Sizzle Says

My ergonomic keyboard has two loose letters, the “U” and the “I” and sometimes when I get into a typing frenzy, they fly off. They remind me of a child’s teeth right before they fall out. The U and the I…how ironic.

I am really dying to say to someone: “Lately, your lack of self-esteem is just good common sense.” It is so mean and so perfect all at once. I have yet to find a worthy candidate.

I leave tomorrow for the land of plastic, shallow people (otherwise known as LA). Luckily, I will be surrounded by non-plastic/shallow people. I can’t wait to see Katie rock the house. Plus, it has been ages since I spent some QT with the Tomato. I bet we won’t even fight; we are getting so gosh darn grown up. Not to mention the fact that I get to meet Richard Simmons. Dokie is jealous cuz she has always liked his hair. I personally am a fan of his fashion style. Wouldn’t it be weird to see him in a suit? No, not his birthday suit ding-dongs! (Mmmm ding dongs….)

I promise to return with photos for your viewing pleasure. Oh! And then, if I get this roll of film developed that means you get to see the picture of the caterpillar taking a crap on my leg (literally!). You think I am kidding but, alas, I am not. I am still flabbergasted. Stay tuned.

*Blow drying your hair with a q-tip sticking out of your ear has disaster written all over it.

*Wearing a skirt on a hot summer day and walking two miles will result in the dreaded chub rub.

*Not telling the truth is infinitely more trouble than telling it.

*Long distance relationships can make even the strongest of couples question themselves.

*Making tea in the bluff greatly increases your chances of burning off a nipple.

*Being a hothead only increases the amount of I’m Sorry’s you have to deliver in a given day.

*Parallel parking can be mastered.

*Letting anyone other than a trained professional color your hair is a very, very bad idea.

*Trust is delicate and should be hard-earned, not handed out like candy.

*Threesomes are not for everyone.

*Trying to pretend you are someone other than who you are is monumentally exhausting.

*Plucking a white hair is akin to throwing water on a gremlin.

*You always have a choice in life: how you react to the circumstances of your life defines your character.

“This is only a detour, not the end of the road.” – Lon Lopez

My friend Lon is a sweetheart to the nth degree. He talked me off a ledge yesterday and I am grateful. And while I am spreading the love (not my legs, dirty minds) I need to give shout outs to Supple for calling me at the exact moment I needed a friend. . . To Jenny Two Times for reminding me to “hold myself higher” . . .To Hillz for making me laugh through my tears (and for using the term wanker so many times, I think she broke a personal record). . .To the Tomato for responding to my IMs (which formerly stood for Instant Message but where he and I are concerned, it stands for Immediate Maelstrom).

It’s true; you can’t just shrivel up and wail in a corner about stuff. Well, you can but you have about one hour and then you need to pull yourself together already. Take control of yourself. Stop berating yourself for having feelings. Quit feeling bad about every damn thing. Maybe in the road trip of life this is just a bad diner stop where the bathroom is filthy and has run out of toilet paper and everything you ordered looks wilted, not just the lettuce and your water glass has lipstick on it but it isn’t your shade. It’s like that. And the good news is you can get up out of that saggy pleather booth and haul ass on out of there. You’ve got free will and choice. Things will definitely improve from here.

It is a new day and I’m seeing things differently.

…You look forward to going into work on a Monday because your weekend was kinda boring.
…You check your outfit in the hall mirror and notice that your ass and stomach need to switch places.
…You make tea but forget to drink it.
…You get to work and wish it was Friday already.
…You sleep with a pillow lengthwise next to you because you miss sharing your bed.
…You’d rather watch E! True Hollywood Story than answer the phone.

Looks like I am going to LA. It was on, then off, now on again. I didn’t want to miss Katie’s show. And now I don’t have to. Plus, I am going to get to experience Richard Simmons in the shorts & tank top flesh. The Tomato is taking me to Slimmons for some action-packed cardio. It’s a brief, one night visit but as always where the Tomato is concerned, there is bound to be good times. I’m still getting flack from the “land of traffic and shallow people” comment from last week. I can’t help it. LA and I, we don’t get along. I haven’t been there since… well, it has been five months. So me and my new car, we’re putting pedal to the metal and taking our first ever mini-roadtrip.

I guess no one is brave enough to cast their vote on yesterday’s blog topic. Oh well. Or maybe, no one actually reads this and y’all just lie through your teeth about “checking it”- ah ha! Caught ya. I just woke up and feel like a fuzzy-headed jabbermouth. Anyone who emailed me last night or this morning got a mouthful of a response in return. I didn’t talk to a single soul last night from 6pm on so that might explain it. Well, I did talk to Angelou but she wasn’t much for conversation. And the mere fact that I am saying I talked to my DOG is not a good sign is it folks? Please, be kind, and refrain from answering that.

Eharmony is trying to make me their bitch. What IS it with all the damn emails they send me?? So I took their “personality test”. I’ll admit that I am sucker for quizzes. Maybe I miss school or some crazy nonsense. Anyhow, they REALLY want me to join and claim that the man of my dreams is just keystrokes away from being found. After a few glasses of vino, I am inclined to believe them. . . so no more drinking for me. Do you know how much it costs to find the love of you life on Eharmony? A LOT! Like for one month it is something like an outrageous $50. I’m sorry but no thanks Eharmony. Get off my back. I am growing fond of the idea of me and numerous pets making a swell life together as I grow old. (Yeah, right.)

Warning: wearing Crest White Strips can cause serious pain. I’m a dork. I read the instructions in the booklet and thought I understood what I was supposed to do. How hard can it be? You wear the strips, one on the top, one on the bottom for 30 minutes and bingo-bango you are on your way to a whiter smile. So after about 9 days of using the strips,I see some improvement which is good since the box claims “whiter teeth in 14 days”. I was showing them to Mikey when I discovered that something just didn’t add up…why did I have SO many strips left if I had been already using them for 9 days? Um, hello Sizzle, you are supposed to wear the strips TWICE a day for 30 minutes each time. D’oh. Color me embarrassed. But then again, math was never my strongest subject.

The box also claims you can wear the strips back to back- so one strip for 30, remove, another strip for 30. That option being for those pressed for time. I tried that one night and woke up the following morning in serious teeth agony. I guess my teeth are very sensitive to the peroxide. I spent the day pretty miserable cuz even breathing into my mouth caused a ripple of pain. Needless to say, me and my white strips are taking a break from each other. Apparently my teeth are white enough. Just yesterday a nice homeless man complimented me on my brilliant white teeth. So what if he also told me I was beautiful and wanted to make me his bride? Love at first sight does happen people and right now there are not many offers flowing my way so I will take what I can get.

Expect wedding invitations in the mail shortly.

So yesterday I got this comment from my dear friend Hummingbird. You’ve all heard me speak of her. Well here she speaks of me. . .

hummingbird said…

You are so the most universally loved person I know! Why, you may be wondering? Well, I’ll tell you: it’s because you love everyone else so universally! Your adoring spirit and your absolute dependability in times of crisis and the way you inspire everyone and make them feel great about themselves… all of this makes people love you and want to stick by you forever and ever. Notice, please, that not only do you have lots of people who love you to death, they’ve also been in your life for the long haul. No one who falls in love with the Jonesy can ever be free again. You enslave us all!

I love you so much and it was absolutely my honor to celebrate your 32 years at my house. I sm blessed to have YOU!!

Love,
Hummingbird

Ok, so I blush at these kind sentiments. Seriously, this is bordering on embarrassing. I think we need to put her theory to a vote. Shall we? Can it really be true that “No one who falls in love with the Jonesy can ever be free again”? Am I enslaving people without my knowledge? Please cast your vote by leaving a comment.

In other news, I totally dig my horoscope for the week….

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong tells this story: “A guy walks up to me and says, ‘What’s punk?’ I kick over a garbage can and say, ‘That’s punk.’ So the guy kicks over a garbage can and says, ‘That’s punk?’ And I say ‘No, that’s trendy.’” Keep this tale in mind in the coming week, Aries. There’s no need and no excuse for you to be like the trendy guy. You should be like Billie Joe, the one who kicks over the garbage can the first time.

Supple & I went to Goodwill yesterday. As I rifled through a stack of dusty record albums, my shopping experience became a walk down memory lane. They had The Jets, one of my first concerts at Great America. And if you think that is bad, don’t ask me who else I saw there. It gets worse. Much worse. They also had Howard Jones, Debbie Gibson who now goes by Deborah (uh, pleeeze, you still suck- I know the Tomato will kill me for that jab but the truth hurts), Whitney Houston (the very album Dokey and I used to coreograph synchronized dance routines to in the pool) and Lionel Ritchie (who, I must say, looks way better now than he did back then). I picked up some classic Hall & Oates, you know, just for kicks. Everyone needs a little “Private Eyes” watching you now and again. Do you remember Breathe? I loved them, especially that song “How Can I Fall?” Good ol’ Goodwill had that too so, of course, for nostalgia’s sake, I had to purchase it. For nostalgia’s sake people (and for my listening pleasure, okay, I will admit it).

I’ve been seeing things lately. A couple of times I could have sworn I saw Mr. Grass (my nickname for the stoner I dated). The likelihood of me running into him is pretty good since we do supposedly both reside in this beach community. Maybe he is in rehab? (And no, Hummingbird, I have not forgotten that stoners are losers.) It is pretty inexplicable then, why I would be having sightings of The Cowboy since he lives in the land of traffic and shallow, plastic people. Just wishful thinking I suppose. The mind is a trickster, that is for damn sure. You know how people who are stuck in the desert see mirages? Well, I’m thinking maybe this self-imposed Love Sabbatical is doing something similar to my mind. I’m hallucinating for lack of romantic love. Ok, maybe that is a crackpot analogy but work with me.

I’ve been working on a list of things that confound me. Here are a few. . .
- People who ride bikes and smoke simultaneously (How health conscious of you.)
- People who speak on their cell phones while taking a piss in a public restroom (Have you no shame? No class? Apparently not.)
- Denim skirts & scrunchies and the people who still wear them (especially bad when worn together)
- People’s inability to merge in traffic or otherwise (Are you just inept or selfish?)
- People who read self-help book after self-help book but never actually put into practice ANY of the stuff they read (please see aforementioned Mr. Grass)
- Guys who wear their pants so far off their asses that their entire underwears are exposed (HOW can that be comfortable?! And didn’t that look go out about 5 years ago?)
- Driving 30 minutes out of your way to save $3 on a sale item (You just spent that 3 bucks and then some driving there dork.)
- White people who wear ethnic prints (It just should NEVER happen.)
- Trustafarians with puppys on rope leases who beg for spare change at the Farmer’s Market in between playing their bongos and eating raw veggies (Go back to your mansions and quit playing the part of a poor hippy. You aren’t cool.)
- People who still do not know how to swipe their ATM/Visa card hence holding up the check out line (Haven’t we had those machines for years and years now? Catch up people!)

That’s it for now.

I love my sister.
Posted by Hello

That is it in a nutshell. I absolutely adore her. She is the truest person I know. Her heart is so big and her laugh, so infectious. I never tire of her. Thank you lil sis for throwing me the best birthday dinner party ever. I am so touched by your thoughtfulness. You make the world a better place just by being you.

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Reply to: anon-69181547@craigslist.org
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