Sizzle Says

It’s Friday. I’ve taken a sick day. I feel like rambling.

Thank you baby Jesus that the Olympics are over. They were seriously interrupting my must see Thursday night TV. Yay for The Office! I don’t get why American Idol needs to be stretched out so godawful long. Torture us why don’t you? Who thought up the idea that losers should sing one last time? I mean – they lost. That means we don’t like them. That means I sure as hell don’t want to hear them sing ever again. Most especially Brenna. She bugs big time. Ugh. Good riddance. The show could be like 10 minutes if they’d stop the high dramatics.

Speaking of high dramatics. . . about 10 minutes from a clean get away at work last night I was met with some seriously high dramatics. I am so over the high dramatics. I remained calm. Even used my soothing voice. The one The Tomato says could make anyone fall asleep- this said because he used to call me to listen to me talk so he could fall asleep easier. Apparently, I would make a great hypnotherapist. Or phone sex operator. (Did I just say that aloud?) So back to the high dramatics. I am over it. Ok. End of story.

Just kidding! Of course there is more. Remember, brevity isn’t one of my strongest assets. I am very tired of dealing with work crap. I realized this week that I have been acting as the (at the very least) Assistant Director for months and months, even when I had a boss. Everyone comes to me. I don’t mind it except that I can’t really get everything I need to get done, done. I have been told to “just say no” like my fellow employees are offering me candy at a Weight Watchers meeting. As if. It fundamentally goes against my nature to say no to a person in need, particularly people near and dear to me who are without supervisors. I can’t and I won’t do it. I will, however, take a sick day to relax. (Yes, relax. I said it. I am gonna try really hard this time. I swear!)

I don’t think my “talking her off a ledge” speech worked yesterday with high dramatics person. We are all responsible for our participation in the problem and in the solution. If you don’t like what is happening you have to get real and speak up. Don’t go throwing a hissy fit, declaring you are quitting and storm off thinking THAT is going to solve anything. I used to do that shit all the time. When I was 17. (Right Mom?) Let’s grow up people. Please. For the love of all that is good and holy. Give me an effing break. (Thank you Nell Carter, may you rest in peace.)

So, I met some work friends for drinks after work. As we sat there downing jack & cokes and beers, all we could seem to talk about was work. Apparently we all needed to vent. Actually, for once I kept my mouth shut. I kinda had to since I was bearing the brunt of the onslaught of dissatisfaction. As the person with the highest authority at the drinking table, I got to hear an earful. At one point I leaned over to my friend and said, “There is not enough alcohol in the world right now to make this all ok.” Escapism. I love ya.

Hello weekend. It’s good to see you again.

“Trust in me in all you do. Have the faith I have in you. Love will lead us through if only you trust in me….Why don’t you, you trust me?”

I have always seen myself as too trusting. Gullible at times even. And overly giving. There have to be limits on how much one gives. Particularly if you aren’t getting what you give back in return. It isn’t selfish to consider yourself in the equation. Especially where love is concerned. In fact, it is pretty detrimental if you overlook yourself. I learned that the hard way.

I’ve been testing the waters of my ability to trust lately. Dipping a toe to test the heat. An arm carelessly plunged in scalding water. Occasionally choosing to wade in deep. Soaked to my waist. A bitter chill. I don’t like to be guarded though I know I can be. That I often should be. Not everyone is worthy of trust. Does trust have to be earned? Or should it be given away freely?

“Come to me when things go wrong. Cling to me daddy oh yeah and I’ll be strong. We can get along. We can get along if only you trust in me.”

A lot of the time I want to be needed and so I cast my net of trust to save someone. I say “save” as if I had the power to. I give people too many chances because I believe in the goodness of people. I want to believe people are striving for honesty and authenticity like myself. I know that I am not above lying. Sometimes I lie. And once the lie escapes my lips, the regret sets in. Haunting me. How do the ones who lie live with themselves? Is remorse a learned feeling? I hate the aftermath of regret that comes with lying so I avoid it.

“While there’s a moon, a moon up high. While there are birds, birds to fly. While there is you, you and I. I can be sure that I love you.”

Can you love a person if you don’t trust them 100%? Can a person be trustworthy with one individual but untrustworthy with another? Does dishonesty breed more dishonesty? Does distrust breed more distrust? Do people really change or is it just wishful thinking?

Do you ever just stop and wonder: Am I trying to convince myself or them?

Every time I think I’ve got the answer, the question changes.

I guess the thing to do is feel your way through it.

“Oh stand beside me, stand beside me all the while. Come on daddy face the future. Why don’t you smile? Trust in me and I’ll be worthy of you.”*

*Lyrics: Etta James, Trust In Me