Sizzle Says

Some of the shows on TLC freak me out. Like Sunday night as Mikey and Meagan and I were sitting around in a post-eggplant parmesan/wine induced coma, we saw a listing for “The Woman With Half a Body.” Come on, how can you not click over and check that out?!

I really appreciate my life after watching that show. I mean that. Sincerely.

Rosemarie was born with sacral agenesis. She has no legs and walks on her hands or uses a skateboard to wheel around. She got engaged on the Maury Povich show. (Classy!) When I watch shows like this, I automatically want to know a) how do they go the bathroom and b) how do they have sex. I know, I am sick and wrong and should have the decency not to wonder these things. But I don’t. All my P.C.-ness flies right out the proverbial window. Wouldn’t you wonder to yourself if you saw a woman with no legs, walking on her hands, if she had a proper working vagina? I was going to be so sad for her if she didn’t.

Just as I was asking that question aloud, the story turned and Rosemarie was (gasp!) pregnant. So she DOES have sex! Her husband quipped that her legs don’t get in the way. Har har. Har? Really. That’s just kind of a weird thing to say, is it not? He also said something like, “I didn’t notice she didn’t have legs.” Come on buddy! No one is buying that. I mean, it is great that you don’t see her as different than anyone else because that is how she should be treated but are you trying to tell me you don’t notice? You got down on the ground to speak with her the first time you met her but you didn’t notice? Riiiight.

About the time we learned that she did indeed engage in fornication, I started to wonder about positions. Sexual positions if you will. Because of course, when being inappropriate, why stop at the threshold, right? So I am wondering, did her lack of legs limit or increase her abilities in the bedroom? That’s when Mikey said, “Maybe she uses that Cambodian Sex Basket thing.” Wha!? First of all, Mikey hardly ever talks about sex unless I back him into a corner (imagine him looking frightened and desperately wanting to flee) so him throwing out that tidbit was startling albeit hilarious. I hadn’t heard of this “Cambodian Sex Basket thing” though he claimed he had “heard about it somewhere.” He looked it up on the internet to prove it to us. Turns out that isn’t its technical term and it really isn’t a “basket.” And come on, I already knew all about that. You did too, didn’t you? It’s ok. I won’t tell.

What was scary about this story was not the fact that she lived a difficult (and inspiring) life without legs. It was her family situation that frightened me. Her brother was particularly scary- prone to violent fits and even though he was in his 20’s, he operated at about an eight year old level. He would fight with them and not shower. He was a handful and his angry fits made me nervous. Her dad had emphysema (hooked up to an oxygen tank while smoking = smart) and suffered from early signs of Alzheimer’s while her mother had recently passed away. She and her husband and her child moved into her childhood home to take care of them. I was laying on my couch with a glass of wine thinking about how I didn’t want to do the dishes and how my toenails needed to be repainted and here she is climbing up on stools to cook them spaghetti and taking her kid to little league softball. I really have to stop watching these shows.

Perspective. It’s an eye opener. Damn you TLC! Thank God for the Food Network.