Sizzle Says

I shouldn’t have left the house yesterday. Something in my gut was saying, “just stay home in your pajamas… who cares what anyone thinks…” but I went out into the big, bad world chalking up that internal voice to laziness. Every endeavor came up empty or irritating. In the grocery store a lady actually rammed her cart into mine to get it out of the way. I was standing not 4 steps away. She could have politely asked. Sheesh. Maybe I was in my own world. Maybe I am having some sort of hormonal imbalance. Maybe I should listen to my gut next time. Who cares if I am out of cool whip? Don’t. Leave. The. House. It can wait.

I spent the rest of the day riding the roller coaster of emotion. I set off some emotional triggers which then plummeted me into nostalgia, then anger, then fear, then I cried for a bit, then turned on a movie to numb out. That lasted about 2 hours (and subsequently made me cry more). Then I felt the loneliness wash over me. And instead of running or numbing out, I felt the feelings. And it sucked. Then I, gratefully, fell asleep.

I have a lot on my mind lately that I had been successfully avoiding (up until yesterday that is) and most of which, I have not shared here. Big life changes are afoot and the mere thought of them sends me into a panic. Not a bad panic really, just a bit of a tremor from the earthquake of living. I can ride it out. My heart is right on a fault line. It comes with the territory. I just feel so many feelings at once lately that I don’t know how to articulate them. I don’t feel like I am losing my mind and I am not worried that I am depressed- I know what I have to do. I just have to DO it. All of the its. There isn’t just one.

So I wake up this morning and reach for my meditation book and what does Mark Nepo tell me today? “Feel Your Feelings”-

“. . . if we don’t feel our feelings all the way through, they never leave us, and then we do all kinds of unusual things to get out from under them . . . Though we fear it, feeling our feelings is the only clear and direct way to free our hearts of pain.”

So my job today is: “In your silence, stop holding them off with words or reasons or busyness. Simply be a shore and let your feelings wash against you like waves.”