Sizzle Says

My assignment is to come up with five things I like about myself every day for one week. That’s thirty-five things! (See, I can do math. I just prefer not to.) That’s a lot of things. I hope I can do it. Ok, here’s my first attempt/installment. . .

1. I make people laugh.

2. I give a great hug.

3. I am a strong and capable leader.

4. I am very organized.

5. I have a nice smile.

Phew. That was hard. This is going to take some serious contemplation. . .

I am just getting by. It’s ok to “just get by” for a bit but it isn’t how I like to live my life. I’ve had to numb out in certain areas because other areas have taken up more time and energy. And yet I know that ultimately things will have to fall apart before they can be put back together again.

That’s true of most things. Sometimes even we have to fall apart to make ourselves more whole. Everywhere I turn my friends are struggling. It is worrisome even though they will ultimately be fine- more than fine, really. It is all part of the journey even though right now many of them feel like life is unbearable. I don’t have the answers. All I have are hugs and hours to listen and “I love you.” I have a lot of the same questions about love that they do- when will I find a partner I can make it work with, why is it so hard to be in a relationship, what is wrong with me, etc. It is easy to get so bogged down with the questions we close ourselves off to the answers.

Today’s meditation goes out to my friends who are deep in the thick of it. Maybe that is you? Take what you can from it and try, if just for today, to go easy on yourself.

(From The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo)

When Edison was discovering the light bulb, he first engaged in a process of envisioning how an unseeable current of energy could be harnessed and turned into light. Like most of us, the vision came first. Once he understood what came to him, it took quite some time to find the precise material that would work as a filament in the bulb itself.

Later, when asked if he ever grew discouraged or thought he was wasting his time, Edison said no, he learned something important each time he tried. He learned that there was another material not to be used.

The lessons here are very telling and transferable, especially to how we seek our calling in the world and to how we seek out love. To be willing to envision what we need is powerful and real, and just as crucial is the confidence of spirit to know that it will work, even though we haven’t found where we belong or whom to love yet. Equally vital is the perseverance in trying to find what will work.

But perhaps the most inspiring part of Edison’s journey is how he didn’t view his many attempts as any type of failure on his part, but rather as an inevitable part of the process of discovery.

Finally, after all this, we are challenged, scientist and lover alike, to use what we discover and live in the light.

*Center yourself, and as you breathe, envision what you need to live more fully.
*As you inhale, commit to trying to find this today without judging what happens.
*As you exhale, commit to making use of whatever it is you discover.

Because I don’t have enough to do, I am now in charge of coordinating our volunteer massage program on top of supervising three employees, coordinating over 120 volunteers, revamping the entire volunteer program and planning agency events. As I was being trained by the previous coordinator on how to match volunteer massage therapists with clients we had an exchange that went something like this:

Him: Miriam is available for massage. She was massaging J. but that didn’t work out. She would prefer to work with clients that are close to death.

Me: Ok, I will keep that in mind.

Him: Also, she doesn’t come down the mountain very often so she’d prefer they come to her.
(Side Note: Mountain is an overstatement. She lives up in Ben Lomond which is a small town in the redwoods about a 20 minute drive on a narrow, windy road.)

Me: Ok. So let me get this straight. . . Miriam wants to work on clients who are near death but wants this dying patient to drive to her?

Him: Uh. . .yeah. (chuckle) I guess so.

Me: (Laughing) Some people have a lot of nerve.

Near-death patients driving themselves up a windy road for a massage? Mmmm, no. I don’t think so. But thanks Miriam for really getting what our program is striving to do.

My internet soul sister recommended this book to me. I ordered it from half.com and was about halfway into it when I discovered a serious problem. Around page 147, deep into character development and in the midst of a sexual tension moment between characters, I flip the page to find that after page 147 came page 215.

Wha?!

Upon further inspection it became very clear that I wouldn’t be finishing my book anytime soon. There were forty pages in total missing. Well, forty pages from the end of the book were inserted where forty pages of the middle of the book should have been. Great! I get to read the ending twice but only surmise how the characters got there. Now that’s some good reading.

After dealing with some low brow bookseller on half.com (they wouldn’t return my email but instead made me call one of 5 numbers to speak to a slow-witted woman who lied through her teeth), I went to our local used bookstore and bought the damn thing for $7.80 plus tax. In an effort to get the book cheap, I ended up purchasing two copies totaling what I would have paid had I purchased it at full price. That’ll learn me.

Fucking IRS. (Am I going to now be targeted for some sort of conspiracy by writing that on my blog?) I hate doing my taxes. Does anyone like doing their taxes? Ok, maybe some taxmen/women enjoy it as it is the line of work they have picked but I hate money and numbers so it follows that I would hate doing my taxes. A few weeks ago I received a notice in the mail from the IRS saying I owed $451 from 2004. I earned $1500 from a side gig and was paid a one time stipend. Apparently how I filed this income along with my regular income was incorrect. So, in their estimation, I owe the $451 in back taxes and interest. If their refiguring is right, being self-employed sucks ass.

But then(!) I received a check for $508 from the IRS just last week. Apparently I miscalculated on this year’s taxes and am owed this amount. I have never earned this much back in all my years as an employed adult. How can this be? And then, doesn’t the $508 basically cancel out the $451 I owe? That leaves me with a whopping $57. It could be worse. I shouldn’t complain. But when it comes to money and numbers, my mind goes numb. I have a strange form of narcolepsy when it comes to math. Don’t even try to make me do a word problem. If Sammy buys five apples for 10 cents each but receives a 12% discount for being under 12 and a 50% discount on one because it has a dent in it, how much will Sammy spend? Zzzzzz….Wha?! Sorry, the narcolepsy kicked in. Math = comatose. Give me a crossword puzzle though and I am alert and chipper.

. . .to make you cry, love songs often do.

Thank you Billy Ocean.

Where else can you hear such songs while listening to your dental hygenist’s stomach growl? I was also subjected to tooth polish splattering my face (coming dangerously close to my eyeball), drilled by questions about my upcoming move while ironically being drilled (not in that way gutterbrains) and told I need to get some fillings re-filled. What kind of scam is that? We tortured you once years ago but that didn’t take. We need you to come in for a repeat torture session.

Mike: “You still have a hole in your pants.”

Me: “I know.”

Mike: “You are wearing white underwear.”

Me: “No, that’s my white butt.”

Mike: “Oh.”

Tide To Go sticks suck.

Even if they are on sale, don’t bother buying them.

If you spill seaweed salad, salad dressing, butter, it doesn’t matter- the stain will not be lifted by Tide To Go.

If you follow the directions you will still be left with a stain. Actually, an even bigger mark, probably on an area of high focus already (i.e.: my chest). So instead of diminishing unwanted attention to said area of high focus (ample bosom) you will indeed bring more attention to it.

Just carry around a spare shirt and you will be ok. Forget the stick.

This website, in particular this card, is cracking me up. My sister got me these for my birthday. I know a few people who could vie for this trophy.

Where else can you find a banner that says “mad props”?