Sizzle Says

If you want to know the truth, I am heartbroken.

There. I said it.

I walk around cracked, split down the middle, in a foggy state of over-emotionalness (it’s a new word). I know. I know. I know, I can survive this. I will come out on the other side. But fucking fuck it fucking hurts.

I think the profanity really helps explain the mountain of feeling I am trying to conquer. Don’t you?

So yeah, I’m being vague. The how-I-got-here isn’t a story I am willing to tell right now but I can’t keep acting like I am ok when “ok” is just a glimmer of sun on a cloudy day. Endless days of clouds. Fucking clouds!

Sometimes all I can do is feel my feelings. I notice myself trying to run past them, like I want to yell out at them as they eat my dust, “Nanner Nanner! You can’t catch me!” But running never got me anywhere but out of breath. So here I am neck deep in the dealing.

I notice myself numbing out at times. I’ve felt my heart harden when the feelings get too much to bare. I remember days like this from a long time ago. I had forgotten what grieving feels like.  I’m trying to find happiness in small increments. Mostly I try to set small goals for myself like- Sizz, just make it through until 5 without crying and you can put on your weepiest song and cry all the way home. I’m trying to keep busy but there is no amount of busy that can truly make me forget. And, honestly, I don’t want to forget.

“I have not been winning since we’ve said goodbye, nothing fits and everything feels wrong/I guess it’s useless to deny it, I’ll admit that I’ve been crying/Guess I’m not so independent after all/Though I’ve never really been in love I know now what it means to miss someone/Sometimes I dream we find each other in the night and pass each other by/But part of me is running through every vein inside of you.” -To Miss Someone, Maria McKee