Sizzle Says

For weeks now I have had the assignment to write my dad a letter. I haven’t done it. Each week when I arrive at therapy I sheepishly admit that no, I have not written it. I’ve sat down with pen and paper many times but all I do is stare off into space. The thing is, I have no idea what to say.

Nothing comes.

It’s been 15 years since I spoke to my father, maybe longer since our exchanges prior to his death couldn’t really be categorized as conversations. There was a lot of uncomfortable silence. A lot of charged tension. Everything went unsaid. Our hearts were so heavy, weighted, dragging us to the bottom where there was no air. I could barely breathe let alone speak.

And now I am supposed to write him a letter. I know I am resisting subconsciously and consciously because it will be painful. There is hurt and sadness and regret. But I know I won’t ever get to the place I want to be if I don’t start the excavation. If I don’t just put that pen to that paper and write whatever comes out of me. If I don’t finally say all those things I have been holding on to all these years.

I’ve let all this define me for too long. It’s time to write a new chapter.
“I may not always love you/But long as there are stars above you/You never need to doubt it/I’ll make you so sure about it/God only knows what I’d be without you” -Beach Boys