This Self-love Business is a Bitch

June 20, 2007 at 7:42 am | In my neurosis, processing | 14 Comments

I have lost sight of myself. You might not have noticed since I don’t post every single thought and emotion that churns inside me here on this blog. That would be too many posts and waaaaay too much information. Most of the time I just swallow the really painful stuff because it leaves me feeling too exposed.

Exposed. That is certainly a feeling I am familiar with. I’ve mentioned before that I wear my heart on my sleeve and also that I am a terrible liar. Imagine being both of those things and trying to pretend everything is ok when everything feels very, very far from being ok.

Are you imaging it?

Yeah. It’s like that. My boss mentioned to me yesterday that many people at work have been concerned about me for a couple of weeks. Why? Because I haven’t been myself. Because apparently my face has given me away. Because I can’t hide how I am feeling and the whole fucking world knows it when they look at me. Even blind people see it.

I am tired of not feeling like myself. I am tired of being quick to cry. I am tired of feeling on edge, raw, and in turmoil. I am tired of feeling invisible, of feeling left out, of feeling not good enough, of always finding impossible situations, of never being chosen.

I am tired.

I do this to myself. I am not kind to myself. I have no compassion for myself. The only voice in my head says things like, “Buck up! What did you think would happen? You knew all along this is how it would turn out. Please get over yourself already. Go ahead and find the next thing to fuck up.” Shut up voice. You are mean.

Bird called me yesterday right about the time I was getting on the freeway and at the exact moment I could no longer contain my tears. She has a knack for timing. She knows the drill. She knows me intrinsically. So when I am blathering on about blah blah blah she can interrupt me saying, “You are a fixer. It is who you are. But you can’t spend your whole life trying to save people like you tried to save your Dad from dying.” Of course, then I cried more but not in a hurt way. More like, that-is-so-fucking-true-that-the-truth-hurts kind of way.

I have to find a new identity. A new way of operating in the world. And a safe, protective pouch to put my heart in because wearing it on my sleeve 24-7 isn’t cutting it. It’s a dangerous world out there and somebody has to look out for me. And that somebody is me.

“Miniature disasters and minor catastrophes /Bring me to my knees /Well I must be my own master/Or a miniature disaster will be/It will be the death of me/I don’t have to raise my voice/Don’t have to be underhand/Just got to understand/That it’s gonna be up and down/It’s gonna be lost and found/And I can’t take to the sky/Before I like it on the ground…” -Minature Disasters, KT Tunstall

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Wearing your heart on your sleeve is one of the most wonderful things about you, but also the most painful I’m sure. I can’t wait for the day when you see in yourself, all that we see in you.

You need to choose yourself Sizz! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Comment by alissa — June 20, 2007 #
Caring that much about other people is amazing, and it’s incredible, and it’s a testament to how much you feel — those are all good things. Something I learned a few years ago — which I’m still refining — which I’m going to pass on to you, is that you need to care that much about yourself and REALLY know that you don’t deserve to be the person fixing, or looking for the nugget of good underneath an imperfect facade all the time. You deserve the kind of love you give to people, and you deserve to have it without compromising the great person you are.

Comment by sandra — June 20, 2007 #
Ditto.

You should get a superhero identity, like Heart Woman or Mistress Sleeve. Wait, that last one sounds more like S &M, which might work also.

Comment by whit — June 20, 2007 #
Oh boy does that heart on the sleeve stuff sound familiar to me. I am not an emotion hider, for certain. I have yet to find the perfect balance, so let me know if you come across a secret.
What I like to think I’ve done better with is my reaction to things. When I see a deer get hit by a car, my first reaction is to run over and help it. Now, I sort of look closely to see if the deer is hurt and will let me help it or if it will get up and stomp the hell out of me. You know?

Comment by justrun — June 20, 2007 #
Don’t change one bit sizzle.. it’s great to meet everyone with an open heart. Just be more of yourself if anything.. cause you’re pretty cool.. take care. Audrey.

Comment by audrey — June 20, 2007 #
its why i love but hate when my friend steve calls… he ALWAYS calls when i am in the middle of some drama and i end up freaking out/crying to him too…. (ie, he called sat. after the e-mail i posted about today regarding being put in the middle of the 2 school districts)

(((HUGS))) again – another thing we have in common

Comment by question girl — June 20, 2007 #
Wearing one’s heart on one’s sleeve can lead to afflictions such as dusty-heart (an excellent country-singer-name), moldy heart (ala Baracuda) and people asking “why is your watch pulsating and bloody – so gross”.

Comment by Jason - GorillaSushi — June 20, 2007 #
Did you ever stop and think, Are people really at the top of the evolutionary ladder? I mean, think about it. Birds. Would that not be a whole lot easier?

Comment by therapydoc — June 20, 2007 #
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but understand it. So much of what you’re going through is growth – painful as it may be. You are such a warm, caring person that it is easy to draw blood. I feel for you, sweetie… {{{hugs}}} We love you just the way you are.

Comment by sue — June 20, 2007 #
sizzle first, everyone else second… easy… :o)

Comment by blue eyes — June 20, 2007 #
I think we’re related… *hugs*

Comment by Traveling Chica — June 20, 2007 #
hugs. bug hugs.
i love you.
i am here.

Comment by jenny — June 21, 2007 #
Sorry to hear all that you are going through. It too, shall pass. The heartbreak but it takes time. The father issue, I’m afraid will go on for a while as it has for me. I mean the alcoholic dad. Mine is still hear but we still have trouble communicating but that is just the way he is. He still hurts me to this day by his actions and words but then there are good times too.
I wish for you in the future a person who see’s all the wonderful qualities that I see from just your writings here. Hope you have a better week.

Comment by Patty — June 21, 2007 #
I know that Exposure thing all too well. It causes anxiety, and emotion to just start bubbling upwards…yeah. Awful.

The exposure feeling though, it comes when we are letting ourselves open up, and the only way to let some things Out, is by doing so. Do it in a safe environment if you can–and don’t be afraid to delete or tear it up, if it hurts you. Getting used to things by degrees, it makes it FEEL safer, to be your Inner-you.

Comment by Bully — June 21, 2007 #