I’m Trying « Sizzle Says

I’m Trying

June 21, 2007 at 7:38 am | In big dreams, light bulb moments, my neurosis, processing | 24 Comments

“I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”
- Augusten Burroughs

I’ve been trying to do things differently. Like live outside my natural habits. I’ve taken to walks at lunch instead of idly passing time in the lunchroom. I don’t feel like chit chat. I don’t feel much like eating except for some cherries. I am really into cherries right now. I can’t sit still. I want to tire myself out in the hopes that I will fall into bed early and have a few hours to rest my over-active mind.

Yesterday I walked a different way. It was a perfect day- blinding sunshine and a slight cool breeze. I reached the bottom of a very steep hill. I looked, throwing my head back to take in the breadth of it and pondered how out of shape I am and said, “Fuck it!” and walked the whole way up. When I reached the top I turned to look at the cityscape view and smiled.

I totally rocked that hill. Awesome.

And then later as I made my way across town, I took a different route and realized I kinda know my way around. I guess after a year of living here that comes with the territory but it was a good feeling nonetheless. To be able to choose from multiple routes because you know the way makes it feel more like home.

Since I hadn’t eaten lunch, I was feeling slightly run down and out of it so I stopped at the taco place and had some dinner. By myself. That’s not something I would usually do- dine alone at a restaurant. It may seem silly but I’ll tell you the truth. . . I always worry that people will look at me eating alone and think, “That poor fat girl has to eat alone. Maybe she should be out exercising rather than eating.”

It makes me sad to realize how often I have thought that. I’m so over being mean to myself. I extend the utmost kindness to other people but when it comes to me, the person I have to spend the most time with, I kick her in the gut. I’m such a bully.

So I’ve given myself some tasks: 1) seek out new experiences and 2) have compassion for myself. It can be as simple as visiting a park I’ve never been to or trying a new kind of food but each day I want to experience life in a new way. I want to face my fears and stop hiding behind them. And all that negative self-talk, all those moments I allow the bully to reign, are over. I am tragically flawed and imperfectly beautiful. So be it.

“I’ve never any time to play/it always seems to slip away/but it never really goes by/while I wait here with my lullaby/for our only try/sing with your head up/with your eyes closed/not because you love the song/because you love to sing/because you love to sing, oh” -You Love to Sing, Copeland

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I don’t eat in restaurants on my own for the exact same reason. Rationally I know it is silly and why do I care about random strangers but…I do.

Comment by j — June 21, 2007 #
you ARE beautiful. no matter what YOU say. xo

Comment by baub88 — June 21, 2007 #
There was an episode of Sex and the City once where the girls all talked about eating alone in a restaurant. We all arm ourselves with a book or cell phone or magazine. After seeing that I started paying more attention. It was true. No one just sat there enjoying their meal, it had to be a multi-tasking session.

Ever since then if I have to eat some place alone I refuse to take in a “thing” to occupy my time, now I just enjoy my meal.

You are one of the bravest people I’ve ever met, and the life you have chosen for yourself gives me courage that I’ll make home where ever I land.

*hugs*

Comment by Melissa — June 21, 2007 #
That’s a beautiful post Sizz. There is so much learning to be done in our darkest times, it’s what makes it all worth it. Way to get back on your feet.

Comment by alissa — June 21, 2007 #
Beautiful, Sizzle. Really, truly, beautiful.
I felt the joy you must have felt, standing oin the top of that Hill…and that my friend, is a metaphor for all the other things you have, going on in life! God gives us little ribs, that way. :-)
You are DOING the thing.

Be kind to yourself–at least as kind as you would be, to a stranger. And when you know you are upset for a reason? Be empathetic, and comfort yourself too.
The only person who can and will be a comfort to us, is ourselves.
Tragically flawed, and imperfectly beautiful…I like that.Someday though, you’ll have a moment like I did, looking at your child crossing a green field, and in that moment you will see— that beautiful child looks just like YOU. It’s our view that gets altered, and corrected, with time and love.

Comment by Bully — June 21, 2007 #
Hurray for you!!! My dad always said of angry people: “I feel sorry for them; they have to spend the rest of their lives putting up with themselves.”

We all get to choose how we spend the rest of our lives, so wouldn’t it be grand to spend it with a fun, lively, and upbeat person: YOU!?!?

Comment by girlanddog — June 21, 2007 #
i used to go out to eat by myself all the time… it shouldn’t matter if i’m alone or if i’m with 10 other people – i’m going to enjoy myself and that’s that… heck, i even order a glass of wine and read a good book – who cares! you really need to have an attitude of ’screw everyone else because this makes ME happy and i don’t care what you think”… :o)

this month’s oprah has some good articles about self-confidence and stuff – you should check’em out… :o)

Comment by blue eyes — June 21, 2007 #
I think “perfectly imperfect” has been used to describe you as well… (see Jones Soda bottle)

Also – who really CARES what complete strangers think anyway? I’d be much more concerned about making a fool of myself in front of people I respected and admired or was trying to impress. But people at the taco shop? Fuck em. Just eat your taco.

Good for you, Cupcake… I know that wasn’t easy for you.

Comment by Mr. Rodacre — June 21, 2007 #
I think it is beautiful and strong to eat alone. Romantic in a way. It sounds like you are giving yourself a positive step in the right thinking direction.

Comment by ammanners — June 21, 2007 #
Babysteps. You’re doing great. You are soooo far ahead of me in the confidence game at your age, I can’t tell you how much I admire you. Yes, you have all this self-doubt and loathing. Don’t we all at times? We can’t always be “suzy sunshine”… Yet, at the core? You are a positive thinker and you have that strong will to survive and not only survive, but THRIVE. You’re going to go a long ways in this life, Siz… and it’s going to be that big uphill battle, but on the other side? A wonderful life.

Comment by sue — June 21, 2007 #
“I totally rocked that hill. Awesome.” Of course you did, and you’ll rock anything you pursue in life. Why you ask? Because you can!

Comment by Jen — June 21, 2007 #
a) Hot haircut
b) You rock
c) You’re caring more about what you think than others — YAY!

Comment by sandra — June 21, 2007 #
That’s the spirit! That voice inside of you, the one that encouraged you to climb that hill, that’s the part of you that wants you to win. And you can. Thanks for inviting us in on the journey, Ms Sizz.

(ps great hair, as always)

Comment by Beth — June 21, 2007 #
Cool- good for you. Your hill story reminded me of walks I’d take in SF- steep hills that seem to go on forever but taken one step at a time are conquerable. Yeah!

Comment by claire — June 21, 2007 #
I’m the same about the restaurants… the exact same.

And about a few other things too.

Again, I think we’re related.

Comment by Traveling Chica — June 21, 2007 #
Not that I’d EVER choose to dine alone over with someone, but I realized if I waited ’till I had company to eat out, I’d NEVER get out.

So I go out often, and I bring a good book and I have the cheesecake for dessert and a nice glass of wine. Not nearly as much fun as when you have someone to talk to but it sure beats eating another Cliff bar.

Comment by esmerelda05 — June 21, 2007 #
Funny about the eating alone in a restaurant thing. I used to feel like a total loser when I did that. But then I realized that if I see another woman eating alone, I immediately think of her as self-sufficient and perfectly comfortable being with just herself! And I actually envy her! Perception is a strange thing. We so often perceive ourselves weaker than other people do.

Comment by Sandi — June 21, 2007 #
Awesome post, reminded me of something a friend once told me… “I’m not perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome!”

Comment by Scott — June 21, 2007 #
I’ll continue the “you’re a hottie” sentiment, ’cause you are.
My lovely wife has been taking these herbs that help her quiet her restless mind at bedtime. I’m glad you are trying new things, a friend once told me to “go a different way once in a while lest you not see what is out there.”

Comment by g-man — June 22, 2007 #
I always wonder why I let myself talk to me in such a horrible way. If anyone else talked to me that way, I would never stand for it. I would definitely never talk to anyone else the way that I talk to myself! It sounds like you are the same in that. You are a beautiful person, both inside and out. I love that you are taking steps to be more kind to yourself…you certainly deserve it!

Comment by Tori — June 22, 2007 #
Who amongst us ISN’T tragically flawed, for real?

Comment by Karl — June 22, 2007 #
Yes! The past paragraph…that sounds like a great plan. :)

Comment by LVGurl — June 22, 2007 #
may seem silly but I’ll tell you the truth. . . I always worry that people will look at me eating alone and think, “That poor fat girl has to eat alone. Maybe she should be out exercising rather than eating.”

i have started to take a really REALLY good book every where i go and that helps… i also never go the same place twice…. if a waiter asks i sometimes lie and say i am traveling so they leave me alone… but i am starting to learn to enjoy taking time for me that way

Comment by question girl — June 23, 2007 #
That’s awesome that you scaled that hill. Katie and I would do that when we were in San Francisco and then do the same thing as you and look back at what we had conquered and then rejoice. Of course, there’s not much of that to be had in Illinois where the hills are non existent.

Comment by kapgar — June 25, 2007 #