Back Me Up « Sizzle Says

Back Me Up

July 27, 2007 at 6:38 am | In light bulb moments, love | 18 Comments

I was talking with Ponyboy the other day (as I do most days, thank you gchat). I was sharing a bit of my heart, my grief, my confusion with him (again- as I do most days, thank you Ponyboy*). I don’t know what it is about him & gchat but he’s like my own personal priest and gchat is the confessional. But the point is, he said something that made me sit up and listen. He said, “let those who love you teach you about backing yourself up.”

Ok. I hear that. I could definitely use some of that. I’m a self-saboteur by nature. That doubt creeps in and then the next thing you know I’m wallowing in it. I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not pretty enough. Why doesn’t he love me? I will just give so and so one more chance to show up for me. Blahblahblah.

Blah.

The other day I was having dinner with a couple of girl friends and realized we’re all doing it. We’re all talking ourselves out of believing. The three of us are all single and looking. We’re all smart, engaging, attractive women who ALWAYS doubt ourselves. It’s really just so fucking sad. To talk yourself out of possibility, out of believing you are worthy of being chosen.

I want to be chosen.

Let me rephrase that: I want to be chosen and I want to choose.

Lately I’ve been writing myself letters. I can’t seem to write one to my father but I write at least one a day to myself. It’s all part of my “Be Kinder to Sizzle” plan. When I am in the midst of a minor meltdown or a mini-freak out, I pause and refocus, writing to myself as I would my best friend who at that present moment needs some support. I’m honest with her (her = me). I don’t beat around the bush but I don’t beat her up either. She’s doing the best she can. She’s trying. Everyone needs somebody to back them up.

I look around at the people I surround myself with, how they see me and support me and nudge me towards self-betterment. I can totally do this. I can make a believer out of me.

I just might need some reminding.

(*So his name isn’t really Ponyboy but haven’t you learned by now I attribute nicknames to everyone?)

“Everything that I said I’d do/Like make the world brand new/And take the time for you/I just got lost and slept right through the dawn/And the world spins madly on/I let the day go by/I always say goodbye/I watch the stars from my window sill/The whole world is moving and I’m standing still…” -World Spins Madly On, The Weepies

18 Comments »

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Yes, yes you can.

I know this is silly, but it makes me think of the Home Depot (I think that’s what it is, anyway) slogan: You can do it, we can help. :)

Comment by justrun — July 27, 2007 #
Everyone needs reminding :)

Comment by Scotty — July 27, 2007 #
I love that idea about writing letters to yourself. I think that’s a fantastic idea. I’m pretty good at giving peptalks and advice to friends, but when it comes to my own world, I’m at a loss. Maybe I’ll use your idea and write some letters to myself, er my friend. You might be onto something here. Hope it works for ya!

Comment by CruiserMel — July 27, 2007 #
Back yourself up. I like it! I also like your writing to yourself as a friend would technique, quite cleaver! I went through a phase in which i would constantly doubt myself and came up with a little mantra that I would repeat over and over when I thought I was about to spiral down. It helped me a lot them, maybe it will help you too.

Comment by Jen — July 27, 2007 #
We all need back up every now and then. :)

Comment by The Diva's Thoughts — July 27, 2007 #
We all need back up every now and then. :)

Comment by The Diva's Thoughts — July 27, 2007 #
I think it’s very near brilliant that you write yourself those letters. I journal an awful lot (outside of the internet! inconceivable!) and my goal is to be as honest as possible. But, you know, it’s really hard. Sometimes, what helps me the most is to go back and read old journals and look at how far I’ve come emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It helps me remember that I can. And so can you.

Comment by Bre — July 27, 2007 #
This is a great idea, treating yourself like you would treat your best friend. I don’t know why we are much kinder to others, but so fault-finding with ourselves. It takes a lot of self-work to grow out of.

I find that I trumpet myself a lot in my blog, because seeing it written makes me more aware if I’m being critical. I know there is always the little mean voice in my head, nagging and criticizing, but lately I just try to drown her out.

Comment by Fluffy Cat — July 27, 2007 #
We ALL need reminding sometimes.

Here’s your reminder: you totally rock!

Comment by Lefty — July 27, 2007 #
Ponyboy from the Outsiders? I love him.

And as evidenced above, he gives some damn good advice.

Comment by aimee/greeblemonkey — July 27, 2007 #
I think half the battle is just owning up to wanting a good man. For years I’d bad-mouthed relationships and said how I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be in one.

Well…I finally copped to it. I DID want a relationship, just not the crappy ones I was settling for.

It was almost like God was waiting for me to be honest, because out of the dang blue a fabulous man has entered my life.

Comment by Dawn — July 28, 2007 #
I want to be Chosen, too. But I always tend to do the choosing…

Ever notice how when someone chooses You, it’s always someone who wants something, or is icky? My friendA says it’s an old problem of,”You LIKE me? What’s wrong with you??” I dunno.

That all leads to– you meet someone fabulous who DOES like you back,and you asking,”Really?? Really you like me?? Are you sure? Because I really do have all these flaws…” I never can really believe it, when someone fabulous or cool likes me. Doesn’t seem…real. It’s easier to believe in needy/grabby/icky people that way, than someone I think truly wonderful liking me back– even if I have been working towards that goal! LOL.

Comment by Bully — July 28, 2007 #
It’s frustrating when it’s easier to convince others of things easier than it is to convince ourselves. You’re getting there!

Do I have a nickname? ;)

Comment by Lisa — July 29, 2007 #
As cheesy as this sounds, I have to applaud you for writing yourself those letters. It’s so much easier to wallow in self-despair than to try and prop yourself up.

Someone once asked me, “if your girlfriend was in the exact same position as you are .. what would you say to them?” My immediate reaction is that I would help get them through it and not beat themselves up over it. She then said, “well why can’t you do that for yourself?” It was like a light had gone on. Why am I more forgiving of other people yet when it comes to me I kick myself even when I’m down?

Our thoughts determine our feelings which determine our actions. And we don’t even realize that it’s happening. Keep writing yourself those letters and keep telling yourself that you’re beautiful and smart and awesome. Because you are and no one should tell you otherwise. Not even yourself.

Comment by Airam — July 29, 2007 #
And it’s due time that I’ve added you to my blogroll. I think that google reader is ready to share now.

Comment by Airam — July 29, 2007 #
Keep on writing those letters, Sizzle.

I am a self-saboteur too… but then, aren’t we all?

I have added you to my blogroll :)

Comment by Guilty Secret — July 30, 2007 #
How did HE get to be so smart?

You’re doing great, hun… one day at a time.

Comment by sue — July 30, 2007 #
I can totally relate to your rephrasal:

“I want to be chosen and I want to choose.”

Perhaps we are holding ourselves to higher standards than others do? Whatever it might be, those of us that create obstacles for ourselves eventually do find a way out of our funk. Friends and Family help to uphold the balance (to counteract the self doubt), but it really helps to listen AND have faith that they’re right.

Comment by Tobiwan — September 26, 2007 #