Poor Hal « Sizzle Says

Poor Hal

August 9, 2007 at 6:50 am | In everyday frustrations, reader participation | 29 Comments

(I’m serious when I say this post is not about me. It is really and truly about my friend. No joke!)

I have this friend who is trying her hand at internet dating for the first time. She’s been on a few dates with a few fellas but no one has really sparked her interest past a second or third date. She discovered a guy who, in his profile, really excited her and appeared to be cute in an art geek way- totally her “type.” They email and then go out but upon meeting in person she realizes that she isn’t as attracted to him physically as she was to his photos, that he seems a bit too taken aback that someone like her would want to go out with someone like him (whatever that kind of passive aggressive comment means) and that, sadly, he has halitosis.

We’re talking smell-it-from-across-the-table-dragon-breath.

She’s a nice girl and she has tried to dismiss these red flags, attributing the lack of cuteness to the lighting and the comment to possible shyness and his bad breath to an addiction to coffee. It IS Seattle after all. But we all know that being “nice” is only going to get her so far.

So she agreed to a second date where, sadly, even more red flags start flying. And worse yet, the halitosis is still strong. It can’t be blamed on coffee. Something has died in there! There has been no kissing. Oh no. And there will never be any.

This guy has emailed and called post-second date, clearly interested in my friend who, truth be told, is completely foxy, wicked smart and all that jazz. She’s a catch! (Though she could do some work on embracing that fact.) She’s waffling on telling him she’s not interested even though she is clearly NOT interested. We’ve been trying to give her pep talks and rally her to speak the truth kindly but she’s overly concerned with hurting his feelings.

I’m not saying to tell the guy his breath stinks but rather that she’s just not feeling it. There is no spark. This isn’t like making a fire where you just keep rubbing and rubbing two sticks together hoping it will ignite in a passionate flame. This is dating.

What would you do if you found yourself in this situation?

“Whoa…your love is in motion/And it’s spinning me around again/Whoa…your love is a fast song/And I’m dancing ’cause I’m loved again/Whoa…your love is a slow song/It’s resounding through my world again/Whoa…my heart is in motion/For the song inside of you”-Love Is A Fast Song, Copeland

29 Comments »

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

It’s not like giving a street beggar your extra coin…it’s herSELF we’re talking about here. She has to just say No, not feeling it, sorry. Leave it at that.
She doesn’t have to feel guilty just cause she’s awesome. There’ll be someone else for her, that she is suited for.

Comment by Bully — August 9, 2007 #
She needs to nip this in the bud. If she doesn’t do it now she better start practicing breathing through her mouth. Maybe telling him he is a stank breath would be too much but she can tell him there isn’t a spark. If he can’t take a hint tell her to run from the room screaming No, No, NOOOOoooo. If that doesnt work she may have to lay all his real turn offs on the table.

Comment by Skyzi — August 9, 2007 #
I agree that she shouldn’t encourage him, but use very few words regarding her explanation of why she isn’t interested. Don’t even get personal, like describing she doesn’t ‘feel it’ with him. She owes him nothing after two dates, just say no, thanks- and move on and don’t communicate with him. No man likes hear details of why someone doesn’t dig him, most likely he’ll think it’s her problem anyways, so save the bother. I hate to sound like only a deliverer of bad news, but please tell her to be careful, I have friends with scary internet dating experiences. Not to mention, once in person, they find out the dude is not what he printed about himself. Many bad, bad liars out there apparently. Which I find puzzling, don’t they think we’re clever enough to see his reality once face to face?

Comment by mackies — August 9, 2007 #
I was in a similar situation last year. I went on two dates with a guy who was really nice, but I got a weird vibe off of him. There was no chemistry on my end, and I found myself attracted to someone else.
I went back and forth over whether it was too soon to break it off, and realized my intuition is always my best guide. I just told him I was interested in someone else at the moment and he took it well. I am very, VERY glad I cut it off sooner rather than later and risked getting his hopes up.
My 2 cents. :)

Comment by diane — August 9, 2007 #
I actually had this happen to me about a month ago…I’ve since banned the internet dating as an option. He seemed real nice on paper but there was nothing there when we finally met. I think he was more interested in me but I had to draw the line. He’s since stopped talking to me.

Oh well.

Comment by em — August 9, 2007 #
just like regular dating – you just have to say thanks but no thanks

Comment by question girl — August 9, 2007 #
Yup, say “oh sorry, not feeling the chemistry, have enjoyed our time together, but not feeling it, best wishes.”

She could always lie and say she’s dating someone else, but truthfully, who wants to spend more time with a dude that one finds that repulsive.

Comment by Fluffycat — August 9, 2007 #
So rough, isn’t it? Difficult but very important to be upfront at this stage. Kick him to the curb.

Comment by Long Story Longer — August 9, 2007 #
I was going to mention Em’s experience, but she beat me to it! LOL! Since I’ve not been on the dating trail for, oh, over a quarter of a century (that just sounds awful, doesn’t it?) I have no clue how you gals do it. I truly feel for you, well, her… but you too. You know what I mean. :)

Comment by sue — August 9, 2007 #
well…i’ve had that date and that guy…

it was brutal.

Comment by jenny — August 9, 2007 #
Here’s my advice to your “friend.” Send him this note:

Dear Butt Breath:

Stay the hell away from me with your stinking nasty breath. I can smell you coming from a mile away and it makes me want to vomit.

Maybe you should buy a toothbrush and ACTUALLY USE IT, and then you wouldn’t have rancid cat breath. Or stop chewing those wads of tobacco and raw hamburger. Or go to the dentist.

GET!

Love,
Person Who Is Not Sizzle

That’s not too harsh, is it?

Comment by Lefty — August 9, 2007 #
I would definitely not encourage him any further and just say that after two dates, I’m just not feeling it is a good match. Of course, that is the advice I give others….*I* would probably try to befriend him then tell him about his bad-ass breath, LOL.

Comment by Hilly — August 9, 2007 #
See, this is where my “post dating survey” comes in! I just did a whole post about this. Wouldn’t it be great if there was some way we could convey things like this, without hurting someone’s feeligns? Mr. Handsy, Mr. Bad Breath, Mr. Talks WAY Too Much… keep them from making the same mistakes over and over again? And think of the some of the valuable feedback we could get!

(on an important side note – there are many reasons why someone can have bad breath, that aren’t related to teeth-brushing. Chronic sinus infections can cause it, as well as many medications that cause dry mouth – saliva washes out the bacteria, but if your mouth is always dry, your breath will be bad)

Comment by Stephanie — August 9, 2007 #
I think I’d probably just send him an email that said sorry, I just don’t think we’re a match.

Though Lefty’s comment did make me laugh. Butt breath is a funny phrase.

Comment by justrun — August 9, 2007 #
My mother always said never turn down a mint someone might be telling you something. If she meets him again, tell her to bring lots of different mints/gum.

Comment by hotpinksox — August 9, 2007 #
There comes a point when honesty isn’t just more polite, but more respectful in the long run – it’s really awful to be the person totally invested in the relationship while the other person waffles. I think that it’s really the best that she just says no!

Comment by Bre — August 9, 2007 #
yea, i agree – be honest and just say, “i think you’re a great guy but not right for me, best of luck”… she doesn’t owe him a long speech or 2-page email – simple and sweet is best…

i usually gave a guy 2 chances as well – if i wasn’t ‘feeling’ it by then, i would move on…

Comment by blue eyes — August 9, 2007 #
I actually saw a tv show about this very thing. The best way to handle it is to let the person know that you think he is a very nice guy, that you went on the dating site to meet different people, and that you aren’t looking to tie yourself down at this time.

I meant your friend of course, not you.

Comment by brooke — August 9, 2007 #
Because I’m a chicken, I’d go to the site and email him that he was super nice, but I didn’t think it was gonna work between us.

Comment by Dawn — August 9, 2007 #
She’s gotta tell him she’s not interested… otherwise, he’s going to accuse her of leading him on, and she’s going to be miserable.

Comment by Traveling Chica — August 9, 2007 #
do the passive-aggressive approach, don’t answer/return the next five or so calls, finally return them late at night when he’s sleeping, then say, work is waay too busy right now to get together. i’ll let YOU know when things slow down then maybe, we’ll get together at that time. i’ll talk to you later!

wait….that was a guy’s script.

not that script was EVER used on me….

Comment by gorillabuns — August 9, 2007 #
Honesty is still the best policy, but maybe don’t mention the dragon breath. As a graduate of internet dating I learned that the most important thing was to be honest with the guys that had no potential future early on. It does nothing but prolong the inevitable if you keep them hanging on and makes it that much harder. Use the whole ‘no spark’ excuse, but just don’t keep him hanging on, especially if he has bad breath.

Comment by andrea — August 9, 2007 #
I’d stop spending my time trying to make something work that probably won’t and try meeting more people.

Comment by sandra — August 10, 2007 #
If “she” isn’t really interested in seeing him again for reasons other than his breath, it might not hurt to e-mail him about his problem and also say that she’s not interested overall. He may not be aware that it’s that bad and he could see a doctor to try to help fix it.

Comment by Becky — August 10, 2007 #
I don’t get it. Isn’t the beauty of online dating the fact that you can refuse to continue dating someone if you don’t like them after you meet them, with no hard feelings and without ever having to see them/hear about them again?

Comment by girlanddog — August 11, 2007 #
Bad breath is the worst. He needs to be cut before he makes it on the team.

Comment by Anthony S. — August 11, 2007 #
From 1994 to 2004, I partook in the online dating circus. I can pity with your pal… I’ve had countless of dates that either their body odor knocked me senseless and made me gag literally or their breath reeked something fierce. I’d just be honest, have her say something like “You’re a great guy but I don’t have any chemistry with you” … or just have her lie and say “I am giving my ex boyfriend another chance.” Good luck to her. Regardless if you live in a big city like Seattle or the sticks like me in the Dakota Territory…. rejection is hard wherever you are but you also have to be TRUE TO YOURSELF TOO. His bad breath is not going to get any better unless he goes to a dentist or someone nice like your friend kindly tells him she’s turned off by it.

Comment by Amy — August 12, 2007 #
Since I met my husband on Match.com I was in that situation quite a few times. She needs to remember that everyone who takes part in internet dating has the same options – it there is no “spark” you move on. It has to be a level playing field for it to work. And, trust me, it definitely can work!

Comment by Sandi — August 12, 2007 #
I think she should be honest but not hurtful. I have a hard time telling people things they won’t want to hear, but it is pretty important that she doesn’t end up married to this guy just to avoid hurting him!

Comment by tori — August 13, 2007 #