Sizzle Says

For some reason, this week more than any other, people that I know outside of Blogistan have been misinterpreting my posts and personalizing the content. It’s funny in a non-haha kind of way how we can read into something. Like our own fears or vanity can upstage our ability to reason. I have definitely done that before. I am sure I will do it again in the future. I am, after all, an egomaniac in the making.

I get how this can happen. But, for the record, it’s not my style to write things on my blog with the passive aggressive intention that someone will just get the hint. That wouldn’t be very good interpersonal communication, now would it? I strive to be clear with others though I’ll admit it’s a work in progress and, yes, some people challenge me more than others in this department. (No, I don’t mean you. Remember how I was talking about personalizing in the previous paragraph? Work with me here.)

Here’s the thing: I have never said anything here I wouldn’t say out loud. Or to your face. I am telling you with no hesitation that if I have an issue with you, I’m going to tell you directly. You aren’t going to hear about it here first. I give you my word.

And when I say I give you my word, I mean it. I’ve already confessed numerous times that I am a horrible liar but it’s not because I am bad at it that I don’t like doing it. I hate trying to keep my “stories” straight. Sure, I’ve got “a mind like a steel trap” (I didn’t make that up. An ex said that about me once.) and I can remember the most mundane of details but when it comes to lying, I can’t seem to keep my “facts” straight. Plus, I blush easily and I don’t know if you have noticed but I have a very expressive face. Hence my inability to win at poker or look at your unfortunate haircut and say “It looks nice” without you calling bullshit. Most importantly, I try to treat others as I want to be treated- that means with genuine kindness and compassion and honesty. It’s sometimes a struggle but I do TRY and more often than not, I succeed. I am not perfect. I am not even striving for perfection. But I refuse to live a life where I am not being authentic.

Sometimes when you grow up in a home where complicity and secrecy and silence were expected of you because no one should know that your Dad was passed out in the chair every day when you came home from school, you can get pretty fed up with deception. As an adult you can say, “That doesn’t work for me.” You can choose to live differently. And you should because that shit ain’t healthy.

If you do know me outside of this realm and we hang out in real time you know that I am a straight shooter. I am probably too direct too often. I can be bossy and controlling. I am somewhat mercurial and emotional. More than likely I might say things to you that you may or may not be ready (or willing) to hear but it is accompanied by a wickedly awesome hug because there should be more hugging in the world. (Don’t you think? But only the good kind. None of that one armed/weak/pat you on the back kind.) I will be protective of you but I won’t enable you. I am fiercely loyal and a strong ally. I don’t leave a lot of room for doubt- if I love you, you know it. And most of all, even if it pains me to do it, I will always tell you the truth.

So please, before you go thinking “Is she talking about me?” press pause, take a deep breath and remember who you are dealing with.

“So we carry every sadness with us/every hour our hearts were broken/every night the fear and darkness/lay down with us/But I am holding half an acre/torn from the map of Michigan/I am carrying this scrap of paper/that can crack the darkest sky wide open/every burden taken from me/every night my heart unfolding/my home. . .” -Half Acre, Hem