Am I a Victim of My Own Optimism?

September 5, 2007 at 7:56 am | In love, my neurosis, processing, soapbox | 19 Comments

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”
-Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

My friend Raylo said to me the other day, “You’re getting better at knowing. Pretty soon you’ll be able to say, ‘Hello. I love you. Nevermind. Good-bye.’ See? Progress.” I’m not sure it’s as simple as she makes it seem but I will agree with her that I am getting better at knowing. Knowing if someone is right for me. Knowing if I should keep expending energy on someone who might not be a good match for me. Take that with a big grain of salt though because my “knowing” used to take years and now maybe it takes months. We’re shooting for days but let’s not hold our breath at this point. Baby steps. Give me props for progress.

I don’t necessarily think that believing in someones highest potential is a bad thing. I actually like that I have that quality. But people are who they are. They might change. They might not. Falling in love with who they might become is very dangerous. How many of us have learned that lesson the hard way? It’s the only way to learn it, really.

From my experience, there are two things you can change about a man- their style and their heart. And by change I mean influence. You cannot make them tidy when they are a slob. You cannot make them effusive when they are reserved. You cannot make them a social butterfly when they are a loner. You cannot make them love chick flicks when they want to fuel the flames of their mancrush on Legolas by watching LoTR for the 50th time. They are who they are and you either need to accept and love them for that or move on.

But if you want them to not wear denim shorts or those ratty old t-shirts he’s had since college? Give it a whirl. You’ll probably be successful. Most men want a woman’s opinion about fashion. You want him to open up to you and share his heart? Try listening and not pushing. And for the love of God, don’t ask him- “What are you thinking right now?” or “How does that make you feel?” every hour. And please, don’t overanalyze every nuance of every word or gesture. Men are not as tricky as women when it comes to that emotional stuff. I once had a boyfriend who said to me, “Sometimes when I am watching football and eating chips I am thinking about football and eating chips. That’s it.” It’s that simple. And that complicated.

One thing dating has taught me is to take people at face value and go from there. What’s that Maya Angelou quote? “When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Too true. What do you think?

“In the end the world comes down to just a few people/but for you it comes down to one/but no one ever asked me if I thought I could be/everything to someone/there’s a crowd of people harbored in every person/there are so many roles that we play/and you’ve decided to love me for eternity/I’m still deciding who I want to be today…” -Light of Some Kind, Ani Difranco

19 Comments »

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I believe it was MayaA who said, within the first 15 minutes you speak to someone, they will tell you honestly, what they are. Believe Them.

If they don’t always SAY what it is they believe, or want in life or a person…they sure as hell give us clues about what is important in their life.Because it seems shallow, don’t give them credit for beleiving there is more under it all. Sometimes, there just is not. (That is my sin, right there with people.)

Comment by Bully — September 5, 2007 #
I think you’re getting better and better at figuring this all out. You’re trusting yourself and that’s the greatest.

Comment by alissa — September 5, 2007 #
There is nothing wrong with giving people a chance. But not trusting your instincts is a dangerous game.
I get a lot of flack at work for being “negative.” i.e., I’ll say I have a bad gut feeling about someone that is going to come out later in the interview stage. I am told repeatedly to be more positive. But I am almost always right.
I tend not to listen to my own instincts when I am dating someone, which is absurd, because that’s the most important time!

Comment by diane — September 5, 2007 #
Couldn’t. agree. more. :)

Comment by justrun — September 5, 2007 #
Totally agree. I especially liked the “there are so many roles we play…I’m still deciding who i want to be today” part.
But it’s so true, if we don’t take people at face value and believe them when they tell us who they are, then we can’t really complain when they don’t turn out to be what we wanted, right?
You and your baby steps are great! : )

Comment by Jen — September 5, 2007 #
I think the hardest thing is to fall in love with what someone might be. That never really works out and we have to be prepared to see warts and all.

I also worry about those scared of change because people always are changing and whether or not they do it together or separately is another matter!

Comment by Hilly — September 5, 2007 #
I think one of my quotes that I said a while back was “you have to love the person for who they are today and not who you’ll hope they’ll be tomorrow.” I think that women often tend to want to try to uncover the “mystery” of men and try to figure out who they are, when they’re really just right there on the surface.

I have to admit that I often get the urge to watch Legolas and his bow talents:)

Comment by Becky — September 5, 2007 #
You and I differ in this way… I’m a pessimist. But, I remind myself with this all the time:

“Always assume positive intentions.”

I don’t think you’re wrong at all. More people need to be like you.

Comment by Eileen Dover — September 5, 2007 #
Very good post. I too think the first 15 minutes says a lot, and if you get that bad gut feeling right away, then go for it. Too often in past relationships, I have seen them through rose-colored glasses or not taken what they say seriously. But I’m trying not to do that. However, my new strategy involves trying to go on too many damned dates. The end result will be better, I hope.

Comment by Fluffycat — September 5, 2007 #
My blog buddy, Sprizee, is headed to your office. Now, I will read your post and leave a worthwhile comment.

Comment by egan — September 5, 2007 #
I’ve always known you were clever.

Comment by sandra — September 5, 2007 #
I didn’t know that men who were watching football and eating potato chips could possibly be thinking about anything BUT that… unless, of course, it’s the cheerleaders…

Comment by TC — September 5, 2007 #
So well written! I tend to fall for the potential as well. Complicates things needlessly.
BTW I really want to go up to someone, possibly someone random, and be like ‘hello. i love you. nevermind. goodbye’

Comment by Ruby — September 5, 2007 #
ruby- i really want you to go up to someone and say that. please blog about it! ;)

TC- you’re far wiser than many.

sandra- i have my moments.

egan- it’s a small world!

fluffy- you gotta be careful about too many dates. three in one weekend? girl, you are a superstar dater!

eileen- some people might beg to differ about more people being like me but i’m glad there are differing opinions. makes the world a more interesting place. assuming good intentions is an excellent thing. goes along with my whole “don’t over-personalize” thing.

becky- i’m more of an aragon kind of girl myself. but yes, to everything else you said!

hilly- excellent point. beware of those scared of change because that’s really the only thing any of us can count on- things will change. right?

jen- we can complain but we’ll look like an asshole when we do! ha ha.

justrun- you’re clearly very smart. ;)

diane- not listening to instincts + dating = horror story. so true!

alissa- it’s a balancing act but i am trying. thanks for your support.

bully- i’m a sinner right there with you. amen sister!

Comment by sizzlesays — September 5, 2007 #
Sizzle, I agree with everything you’ve said, but I would like to add that if you want your man to give up wearing the denim shorts and ratty old t-shirts — go SLOWLY, and don’t expect him to throw them all out. :D

My husband is from the hippie era, and that “look” is part of his identity. If we’re going out, I can just assume he’s going to wear jeans and a t-shirt. If that isn’t the dress-code for the evening, I’ll say something like, “I’m going to wear this dress tonight, maybe you should wear those pants with this shirt.” He doesn’t like it, because he has to dress up for work, but he’ll do it to please me. I think it’s a fair compromise.

Comment by Geeky Tai-Tai — September 5, 2007 #
Wow. You GET it! I’ve been married for over 28 years (yes, to the same man) and that’s one thing we struggled with at first. He was a confirmed bachelor of the advanced age of 29 when we met and I came complete with two small children. Voila! Instant family. He had to make some changes, but the thing was… despite what his friends thought, he WANTED to make those changes! He was ready to settle and have a family. The little things? We’ve learned to accept there are things we won’t change about each other (my only child syndrome being a big one) and we love each other enough to say, “it’s okay”. You don’t try and change someone… but be prepared, because sometimes? They change all on their own…
(sorry so long-winded today)

Comment by sue — September 6, 2007 #
(FYI: Found you through Airam)

I love this post – a more eloquent way of saying ‘take people the way they are and not the way you want them to be’. In my short and limited experience, men seem to change only when THEY want to change… but who knows really?

I’ll def. be back for more!

Comment by Carrie — September 6, 2007 #
I NEED TO READ THIS BOOK!

Comment by Michelle — September 7, 2007 #
wasn’t “eat, pray, love” a fabulous book! i feel compelled to say something because that quote spoke outloud how i felt about myself in relationships. i try to be careful to distinguish between who someone is in this moment rather than who they COULD be. there is such a big difference. i am really good at first impressions … or rather, gather what one needs to know about someone. but, it took me a while to believe myself when it had to do with my heart. if it was a neighbor, i would like or not like them immediately. it took me longer to try to be that harsh with love interests. i also like to see the best in people and what they may have to offer. it seems so sad to be the opposite. in any case, you are right. baby steps. i am a work in progress.

:-)
c.

Comment by c. — September 12, 2007 #