The Unlearning: Take 1 « Sizzle Says

The Unlearning: Take 1

October 2, 2007 at 6:14 am | In light bulb moments, my neurosis, processing | 20 Comments

Many months back I attempted to post this but then quickly lost my nerve and pulled it. It’s still relevant and part of what has been haunting me. I finally feel brave enough to say it here. Take it as the back story to current events. . .

***********

I was trained from an early age to be the other woman.

Growing up in a dysfunctional, alcoholic home, I played so many parts. The comedian. The black sheep. The rescuer.

The other woman.

I was at times, emotionally-speaking, my father’s confidante. He would drunkenly confess his desire to end it all. That he was not good enough for us- my mother, my sister, and I. That sometimes he believed that dying was a better option than living. I don’t remember him as a fighter or brave or courageous or strong. I remember him passively sitting in his chair nursing a drink and staring blankly ahead. I remember silence and hurt and desolate loneliness.

A kid is supposed to receive unconditional love, support and adoration from their parents. A kid is supposed to be a kid- worry about Barbies and slumber parties and being able to ride her bike around the corner to her friend’s house. A kid is not supposed to worry if her Dad is going to be passed out when she gets home from school. She’s not supposed to be concerned about her parent’s relationship. She’s not supposed to worry that her Dad is going to leave them- through death or by proverbially drowning in a bottle of vodka.

In spite of all this, I kept on loving him, fiercely, despite his broken promises, his constant let downs, his disappearing bit by bit deeper into his alcoholism. I stood by him, fought for him, encouraged him, tried to love him enough to BELIEVE in himself. I pleaded with him in every action to “Choose Us!”

He did not. He couldn’t.

I’ve found myself as a grown woman more than once playing the part of “the other woman.” Where I provide unflinching emotional support, a steady shoulder to cry on, a strong hand to hold, a brave smile, a never-ending well of encouragement and hope. And what do I get in return? A stolen moment here. Professions of total adoration there. A promise for more to come. Turmoil. Frustration. Heartache. Drained. Secrecy. Deception. The overwhelming feeling of not being enough. If I was enough, why wouldn’t they choose me? How could they say they love me so very much and yet…not come through on any of their promises?

It is a set up to fail situation.

I’ve played out what I learned as a kid. To be there regardless of my own needs. My needs? What are those? “Forget those,” my training tells me. Forget yourself.

I have often worried that I am a closed off, numbed out, emotionally unavailable person because I give so much away that often there isn’t anything left for me. Because I struggle with how to love myself and be in love with someone. Because I have sub-consciously or unconsciously or purposely picked situations and men that are unavailable to me – be it emotionally unavailable, living far away, or already attached to someone else (or the trifecta: all three for the price of one)- in the way that I deserve. Because I didn’t believe I deserved it.

I have been trying to undo what I’ve learned. But so often, I don’t know what to do next. Except drag myself out of bed each day to face the music and try to learn to dance. Because despite the fear raging through me that I won’t ever figure it out or get it right, I know I really, truly DO want to find a love that makes a believer out of me.

“Love pull your sore ribs in/I will pull your tangles out/In the back of your car I feel like I have traveled nowhere/What will bring me home/What will make me stay, stay/What will bring me home/What will make me stay, stay/I don’t know. . .” -Not Tonight, Tegan & Sara

20 Comments »

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

You know, people often say things need to happen in a certain order. You need to do ______ before you have _____. I don’t think I believe that. I don’t think we or life are built in a way that allows for perfect order. For certain growth before other changes are allowed to happen. Flowers grow before they bloom, butterflies are caterpillars first. But we’re people, we’re different. And I think we have different capacities for change. We adapt to what we have to at first, and what we want to later.

My friend, the mother of a now six year-old girl, spent a good 8 months of her life in sheer panic. Her daughter, at the age of nine months, went straight from rolling on the ground to pulling herself up and walking. No crawling in between. And everyone told my friend this was “bad.” They said she’d be underdevloped and research showed crawling was “necessary” for a child. You know what? Today, at 6 years old, you couldn’t find a more normal child. She’s just as smart and coordinated as any other 6-year-old.

My point is just, things don’t always have to happen in order. There are always exceptions and it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. So, in all my rambling, I guess what I’m saying is you do it in whatever way you want. If unlearning means taking more risks or less risks or doing something drastic or maybe more modest, you do it. If it feels right, and allows you to progress, then it is right.

And when you need a long ramble, I’ll be here. :-)

Comment by justrun — October 2, 2007 #
You know what the great part of all of this is? You’re introspective and reflective enough to realize what your pattern is; if you weren’t, you’d probably continue to repeat the pattern until…well, forever.

Unfortunately, the knowing doesn’t make it easy to stop repeating the pattern — I know this well — but it does put a “what am I doing?” in your gut that will help you make the right decisions along the way. You’ll get there!

Comment by sandra — October 2, 2007 #
I wish I had the answers for you but I don’t. I wish I could take away all the past hurt, but I can’t. What I can do it tell you, you aren’t alone. I can tell you it won’t always be this way, and you know that. You are growing in so many ways, facing these issues head on is a huge step.

“…I know I really, truly DO want to find a love that makes a believer out of me.” I love that line.

big hugs!

ps Thanks for your comments. You are right, I need to trust his words and stop listening to everyone else.

Comment by hotpinksox — October 2, 2007 #
I just love you Sizzle. *hugs*

Okay, here’s some armchair psychology, learned at a personal cost: We pick people and men especially who are “unavailable” or “challenging” or in need of “help” because we feel we know how to help them, and if we can succeed in making them love us? We win. We win in alot of ways that maybe we weren’t good enough to in years prior. Here’s the rub tho: we win only temporarily, until they move on to the next person or thing, or we realize we were just being stupid, and walk away ourselves.( Rarely, that happens, but it can right?)

I pick people who are emotionally uninvolved, because it feels familiar to me, it is challenging to me, and it somehow unlocks all the love and care that is inside me. I fill the gap, and in filling th agp I feel more complete and like I am fulfilling my function. But– when do i ever get to practice being at the reciving end of things? The relationship isn;t set up to be two-sided, just one sided.Mmm. Then I start wanting, and they start saying geez you are demanding…and I’m like???? You are supposed to love me back now, remember? But they don’t recall that part. Nope.

The answer? I don;t know what the answer is, aside from recognizing the dynamic, and then as you have done, seek to start out relationships on a Even Footing, Dammitt. :-) See? You are a very smart cookie! You are getting it! You will find a man in the end who will really love you, and be a partner to you, because that will be what you have set yourself up to find! That’s why you need to keep persevering, and treat yourself with kindness.

The right guy, he will prove to you you can trust him, don;t worry. Thank you for your honesty in this today. It really is beautiful.

Comment by BullysE — October 2, 2007 #
You have an email.

Comment by sue — October 2, 2007 #
Heart breaking, seriously Sizz. If I wasn’t at work, my glasses would be surely fogged up.

Changing something like this about yourself is pretty daunting. I can relate in many ways with your struggle to learn to love yourself. Best of luck with this challenge.

Comment by Tobiwan — October 2, 2007 #
I read this the first time you posted, and it touched my heart. I have no good words, but lots of love for you.

Comment by abbersnail — October 2, 2007 #
And me with no kleenex on my desk.
The fact you are willing to see these things about yourself, let alone share – you are on the right path Sizzle. It just may take a little longer than you hope.
Thinking of you.

Comment by Josie — October 2, 2007 #
Were you ever jealous of other people’s dad’s too?

Comment by dustin — October 2, 2007 #
As I’ve mentioned, I share the Dad issue, I had same existence, alas, as an adult, I share your problem. We know we have emotional holes where others don’t. We seek to fill them, but usually make choices that are bad in the long run when it comes to men. We want to be needed and wanted, but protect our heart. Less at risk with ‘taken’ men. But always a bad ending, b/c we might actually want forever and that won’t happen. So, as others have said, it’s good to recognize the pattern, but I also reccommend filling the holes by other means. Be needed and wanted by others, volunteer. Tutor, mentor, serve. Your heart will fill with all the good that comes helping others and you won’t need to seek things in the wrong places. Soon you’ll be full of appreciation from others. And that leaves the right emotional doors open and welcoming when the right love comes along.

Comment by mackies — October 2, 2007 #
If I was enough, why wouldn’t they choose me? How could they say they love me so very much and yet…not come through on any of their promises?

I think – I guess I hope at least – that this is a natural thought many people have at some point in time. It’s horrible, and heartbreaking, but you aren’t alone in that.

*hugs*

Comment by TC — October 2, 2007 #
This is pretty deep. Changing a behavior that is part of our characteristic/personality is extremely difficult. I applaud you.

Comment by The Diva's Thought's — October 2, 2007 #
All I can do is offer you a few hundred hugs.

Comment by Alison — October 2, 2007 #
I can’t begin to imagine what this must have been like for you, and now living with the consequences of someone else’s ill life decisions… it just doesn’t seem fair. But you’re a strong one, and a product of what you have lived, both the good and the bad, and for that you should be grateful and proud.

I’ve always liked the phrase “dress up for the job you want and not for the one have”, and I think it might just apply here. If you assume an attitude of confidence and self-love, others will believe this and act accordingly, and eventually so will you. One doesn’t necessarily need to change internally first and then acquire the attitude/behavior. You can assume the behavior/attitude component and the belief will surely fallow.

I read an article some months ago on depression and smiling. They said that if a person forced themselves to smile, even when they didn’t really feel like it, eventually facial muscles would send the message to the brain “if your smiling, you must be happy”, so the brain was “tricked” into feeling happy, and eventually the person’s depression would diminish. I think you could do the same here. Act confident, worthy, and self-loved, and sooner than later you will be. In the meantime lots of hugs will be sent your way : )

Comment by Jen — October 2, 2007 #
You are amazing.

I am constantly blown away by how analytical, introspective and honest you are. Acknowledging your history, learned behaviors, your choices and their effects takes alot of guts. I’m so impressed with how straight up you are about things and how you’re working on who you are. Go Sizzle!

Comment by Ruby — October 2, 2007 #
I don’t even know what to say because I’ve been in your shoes.

(((((HUGS)))))

Comment by Lisa — October 3, 2007 #
Rats! I’m behind on commenting again.

Thank YOU, Sizz! I love your posts, and I can relate to you
:)

Comment by LVGurl — October 3, 2007 #
I understand what you are saying about your dad. My dad was somewhat like yours. He was an alcoholic but kinda of kept to himself and got snockered a lot and occassionally he would hurl out some awful comment. He was emotionally distant and even though he has now beat the alcohol demon it seems we are still distant. It’s just the way it/he is. I saw myself in what you said about picking men that were unavailable. I mean, they were single but they weren’t emotional available to me. They were the bad boys. I don’t know how I broke that pattern years ago. I let the nice guy in and gave him a chance and it worked out. Not to say we haven’t had our share of troubles over the years. Anyway, I’m just rambling on.
I think you are on the right track. You can look at the past and understand what happened. You can look at it and pick it apart. Maybe you can move on and change this pattern and forgive your father? It took me a long time to do that and it ate away at me. I only wish the best for you sizzle and want that bright future for you!!

Comment by Patty — October 3, 2007 #
Oh god, darlin. We’ve talked about this, but DAMN our childhoods and resulting emotional turmoil are SO SIMILAR. Yet again, I could have written this whole post. (But not as well).

I do thank my lucky stars every day that I found Bryan and he helped me pull out of that mess. I sure hope that you either find someone to help you with it, or more importantly, do it for yourself. You sure seem like you are on the way.

Hugs.

Comment by aimee/greeblemonkey — October 3, 2007 #
you are brave. you are strong. and you don’t always have to be. you are also soft. you are also vulnerable. you are compassion. and you are beautiful. you are loved. loved. loved. and in those ways you deserve.

remember that.

i love you
xo
j

Comment by jenny — October 4, 2007 #