Live Deep & Love Strong

October 3, 2007 at 7:27 am | In my neurosis, processing | 22 Comments

Selfishly, I use this blog as an outlet for my neurosis. I’m the type of person who, if I am not writing/talking out what is on my mind, I am likely to go mad. When I clam up and keep what is bothering me to myself, I become a version of myself that I can’t stand to be around. It’s like a switch is turned off in me and any warmth, compassion, or humor I possess goes into hiding. I watch myself turn into this passive aggressive, standoff-ish, crabby, depressed person. I do not want to be that version of myself. And I don’t have to be because I know what turns the switch back on.

Letting people in.

I am not completely anonymous here. You can see my life in these words and in the photos I share and I believe you get a good sense of who I really am. But sometimes I worry about sharing that much of myself and then when I throw out a loaded post like yesterday’s I begin to fret that maybe I am sharing TOO much. I might not share all the details of my relationships but I do share a great deal about my relationship with myself.

Writing on this blog is very cathartic for me. When I censor myself because I am worried about what people might think, I’m not hurting anyone but me. And I realize that writing about these things doesn’t only serve my selfish needs. Many of you write to me after I share something painful or deep about my internal struggle and say that you, too, have felt that way and can relate. You say “thank you” for writing. How can I not keep writing and sharing and being vulnerable here then? It’s no longer just for me . . . but for you too.

Maybe it’s been a while since I’ve said it but it needs repeating: Thank you for being here. I only have words to convey what is in my heart and they seem wholly inadequate but know you matter. To me.

“Made my mistakes, and did a few things right/But it will take what it will take, baby that’s life/You cannot change what you do not own, everybody knows/But if you live deep and love strong you get pretty damn close. . .” -Red, Sara Bareilles

22 Comments »

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Thank you.

Wonderful to think how much your processing and personal growth fosters the development of others…Daunting, but wonderful.

Comment by AppleTree — October 3, 2007 #
Thanks! And… you’re welcome?? :-)

Comment by Dave2 — October 3, 2007 #
Thanks to you, too!

Comment by justrun — October 3, 2007 #
Thank YOU. In your warmth, I feel hope too you know.
When we isolate ourselves? the bad stuff can consume us. Isolation is bad.The Sharing fills us with Good.
That’s why I write, too. :-)

Comment by BullysE — October 3, 2007 #
Awww… thank YOU (hearing internal conversation if this were my family…”no, thank YOU…no, THANK you… NO, thank YOU…” on into eternity)

Seriously… whatever would we do without ya?

Comment by sue — October 3, 2007 #
Thank you for writing things that make some of us (ahem) feel like we’re not the only one in that boat!

Comment by DCChick1 — October 3, 2007 #
Not selfish at all. It is YOUR blog after all and yes, a lot of the time we glean our own truths out of what you share.
I have a post I have written and rewritten and deleted over and over again. Ultimately, it’s what I need to say to someone else. But I am too chicken shit to do it, so it just keeps playing on a loop over and over again in my head. Props to you for being brave!

Comment by diane — October 3, 2007 #
I guess I sort of feel like a friend on the periphery… or a satellite friend… or something, and don’t always know the words to say in comments that haven’t already been said.

But I can give you tips on football game etiquette. And we can discuss funny lines from The Office anytime. *hugs*

Comment by Bone — October 3, 2007 #
Thank YOU! I love reading your processes, and constantly find myself thinking about how they relate to mine. It’s very brave of you to share yourself like this, I wish I could give you more… I guess we are all in this together and we give and take what we can, right? Keep on writing Sizz, you are truly awesome at it.

Comment by Jen — October 3, 2007 #
You’re an amazing writer and there would be a huge void in my daily readings if you stopped.
So, no, thank YOU.

Comment by Josie — October 3, 2007 #
Thank YOU for letting us be a part of your life!

Comment by whoorl — October 3, 2007 #
Thank YOU for your ever-present introspection.

You articulate so much of what I can’t. AND you’re funny!

Comment by rosie — October 3, 2007 #
Agreed, you say a lot of things that I have never thought of before, things that make me reflect. Both good things that make me appreciate the little things that go unnoticed at times.

Glad to be here :)

Comment by Scotty — October 3, 2007 #
[...] You can read the rest of this blog post by going to the original source, here [...]

Pingback by Dating Blogfeeds » Live Deep & Love Strong — October 3, 2007 #
Your words could have been mine. When I write about my process through depression I always look back and want to delete delete delete for fear of what other’s are thinking, especially the ones who read and know me or think they know me… thank you for writing so honestly. Your words are inspiring to me…

Comment by NerdGirl — October 3, 2007 #
sizz, you know i love you, don’t you?

thank you for keeping it real everyday, even if it’s painful.

Comment by gorillabuns — October 3, 2007 #
Right back atcha girl!

Comment by Dawn — October 3, 2007 #
Same to you! xo!

Comment by aimee/greeblemonkey — October 3, 2007 #
Its o.k. I use my blog as an outlet for my neurotic rants, too.

Comment by Valley Girl — October 3, 2007 #
*hugs*

You’re right: you’re the one who suffers if you don’t write what you’re feeling. You need this outlet, so use it. We’re here for a reason after all ;-)

Comment by TC — October 3, 2007 #
Thank you for being your true self on this blog. I read your writing because it is real and relatable. I cheer for you (over the internet) like I need to cheer for myself, and you remind me of that.

Comment by skyzi — October 4, 2007 #
I think blogs are different than if you were saying something really personal at a group dinner where you just met most of the people attending. I think most bloggers have used blogging as some sort of internal outlet and it’s expected that peopole will reveal some personal things — not to mention that people choose to come here and read (vs. the opening statement of blurting it out in public where people don’t have a choice to hear about it).

I don’t know if it was a coincidence that we posted about similar subjects, but one of the things that came to mind about people sometimes sharing too much in my post (and I couldn’t post it b/c the person that it’s about sometimes reads my blog) has told people that she barely knows that she was molested by her brother growing up. These people have all said that they felt really uncomfortable knowing this information about someone that they didn’t think they knew well enough. They almost felt burdened by it.

Comment by Becky — October 4, 2007 #