Releasing (Take 2) « Sizzle Says

Releasing (Take 2)

October 25, 2007 at 7:45 am | In love, my neurosis | 26 Comments

Another one of the truths I’ve held close is: Men leave.

Whether through infidelity, cowardice, addiction or just plain giving up. . .they don’t stay. This is not a universal truth, of course, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been walking around with this very detrimental view of love and relationships in the back of my mind. It’s tainted every attempt I’ve taken at love.

I don’t really want to hold onto this belief anymore.

I was talking to a girlfriend the other day and we were lamenting over how difficult it is to risk yourself in love. To be vulnerable. To trust. To not over-think. To not fret over the small stuff. To stick around and face, head on, the bigger issues you might face as a couple. The figuring out if you are a couple. . .

Maybe I have a pessimistic view of love. I’ve always considered myself a romantic but… maybe that’s only where other people are concerned. Just like how I sometimes use a different set of rules for myself than for others (like: if someone else makes a mistake it doesn’t mean they are dumb, if someone else is overweight it doesn’t mean they aren’t attractive, if someone else is emotional it doesn’t mean they are weak…), maybe I’m walking around thinking somewhere in my neurotic brain that love works out for everyone else but it won’t work out for me.

How sad.

A huge part of healing here is letting go. Letting go of all those old hurts from previous relationships. Naming them and having compassion for myself and what I went through but deciding that those experiences don’t have to define my future. Realizing that love IS risk and it’s worth the heartache that could come. That there’s always a chance that things won’t work out. . .but there’s also a chance that they will.

That sometimes, someone can come along and disprove your theories.

Hopefully.

“People you’ve been before that you don’t want around anymore/that push and shove and won’t bend to your will/I’ll keep them still/drink up, baby, look at the stars/I’ll kiss you again between the bars where I’m seeing you/there with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught. . .” -Between The Bars, Elliot Smith

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Start from hope. That’s all you can do.

Comment by alissa — October 25, 2007 #
Get out of my head woman! I am such a follower of the two sets of life rules. Its ridiculous how I let myself get the shit end of the stick. We are better than that, deserve more, deserve the best!

Comment by skyzi — October 25, 2007 #
Sheesh…I am getting married in a few weeks and I still can’t get past some of this.

Hold on to the good ones…The ones who stick close while people like us work and work and work on letting go…

Comment by AppleTree — October 25, 2007 #
Even knowing it’s not a universal truth doesn’t help when the head and heart are conflicting.

It’s tough when you open yourself up to someone like you never have before and they still say “You are good enough, I’m out of here.”

It’s no wonder we’re all f’d up in the head sometimes :)

That said… sounds like you’ve got a great thing going so far with the new guy: give it a shot. Then you’ll be able to tell us all about the juicy details ;)

Comment by TC — October 25, 2007 #
Realizing that love IS risk and it’s worth the heartache that could come
It is, and when the one thats worth you comes around, you’ll think the ride there was totally worth it.

Comment by Scotty — October 25, 2007 #
It sounds like some progress has been made?

Comment by hotpinksox — October 25, 2007 #
because sometimes? the risk really IS worth it.
another wonderful post, miss sizz (can i call you “miss sizz?” it kinda just rolled off my tongue.)

oh, and real good song choice. you know im a sucker for elliot smith. i think one of the first posts i read by you, you had a song quote from him on here.

Comment by brookem — October 25, 2007 #
This one hit close to home. The idea that you see yourself as a romantic but use different rules for everyone else than for yourself? Yep. I’ve been there. Hell, I think I AM there.

Comment by brandy — October 25, 2007 #
I think it’s a thin line between learning from past relationships and mistakes and letting them negatively affect current ones.

So thin I can’t even tell where it is.

Comment by Bone — October 25, 2007 #
See? I’ve said it before… this is one of the HUGE differences between us (although we have so many commonalities). YOU are getting it figured out WAAAAY sooner than I did. Just recognizing you do this is a gigantic leap forward.

I’m so damn proud of you. You just strive every day to be a better person. You’re going to get there. You are gonna be JUST FINE.

Comment by sue — October 25, 2007 #
The thing to remember when trying to face that fear though is that women leave too. I guess what I mean by that is that we have the strength and power not to be victims and to leave when we’re unsatisfied.

On the flip side, everyone does seem to leave. Lately I’ve found myself trying to enjoy the here and now and letting the future take care of itself (somehow….go HoJo!). It’s a hard thing to do…the minute you meet a guy, you wonder if he feels the same way, will he ever and when he does, will it last? But some of those questions are the reasons that he does leave.

I wish we all just came with instruction manuals!

Comment by Hilly — October 25, 2007 #
You said you were “lamenting over how difficult it is to risk yourself in love. To be vulnerable. To trust. To not over-think.”

This made me tilt my head and think, gosh, that’s so true, but then I wondered how I got over that with my fiance. And I’ll tell you, it was never a problem (with him, it has been with other guys).

When you find the right one it’s NOT difficult. It didn’t feel like a risk. I didn’t feel vulnerable, and I never over-thought. And that’s how I knew.

Comment by Hashak — October 25, 2007 #
I can’t help it, I always have optimism when it comes to people in general. Though they weren’t leaving me, I’ve seen just as many women walk away as men. So I think there’s still got to be good, honorable people around.
I think our mind can be changed, when we’ve done what we need to do to make it changeable. Sounds to me like you know this, too.

Comment by justrun — October 25, 2007 #
Sizzle you are so lovely. You are so compassionate with others, give some of that compassion to yourself.

I know what you mean about men leaving. I feel people leave in general. They move on, get busy, life gets in the way, there is conflict, or worse. But I think you are right in that some stick around and will be there for you. That someone is definitely going to find you.

I know NerdGirl has a crush on you, so that particular sentiment must be universal right? =)

Comment by NerdGirl — October 25, 2007 #
Ah, this truth hits home for me in more ways than I would like. I’m now (this more of a recent thing for me) expecting the “cow to land on my head” at any given point while dating someone. It seems like you never know when things are going to go wrong, but somehow they always do. I use to have very solid relationships, based on love, trust and respect. Somehow, in my 30s I have fallen into these patterns, or maybe it’s the types of guys I’ve been dating, which are not very nurturing. The guys just always seem to vanish with no warning or reason to be accounted for. But you are right, we need to let go of this belief, because (and this I know for a fact) not all men are like this, and we DO deserve to be loved! And because you were so kind as to share this post, now we can do this letting together, knowing that there are other people out there going through similar processes. Thanks Sizz, you rock!

Comment by Jen — October 25, 2007 #
It’s a catch-22 because if you start a relationship thinking that it’s going to fail or assuming the guy’s going to leave, that doubt keeps you from truly being yourself with him and giving him a chance to love you — so it winds up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. I battle with it myself (it’s just always easier to comment on someone else’s blog than to actually listen to your own words:)

Comment by Becky — October 25, 2007 #
I just love you. It’s okay to be scared, when you’re going into a phase of life where there might be a serious boy (hey, you are breaking out right? You said yourself the only times you do that…),and you have to be taking stock of Reality and what it is.
Just remember, the good ones won’t just leave.The good one wants to STAY, and hold your hand, and spend their life with you. It’s when they stay that things get complicated, anyways! hah!;-)

It is hard facing down our fears and beliefs. I myself, I did not believe until it was proven to me–and then I still tested him. I really believed in romance, but I didn’t think I was good enough/fabulous enough for it either. But then, all of a sudden, it WAS real and it was happening to ME.

The right one, you won’t be able to scare off. Believe in the Right One being out there, for you. You deserve it. Look at your beautiful sister– that CAN be you, too. *hugs*

Comment by BullysE — October 25, 2007 #
Love IS scary, and it’s ALWAYS a risk. I’d say for every dozen attempts only one good one makes it through – and even then you have to be there to catch that good one. I was always too late. Then I struck it lucky – WAY lucky. I never ever thought I’d have what I’ve got now. And in the eighteen months we’ve been togehter I’ve only enjoyed the last six – the first year was hell for me, just carrying round a lot of that baggage you were talking about in the post, and others. Sometimes you have to face your fears. Because sometimes it’s worth it.

Comment by Ys — October 26, 2007 #
I hope you find trust again and that you don’t get hurt. I hope a man can show you that some day. I say “a man” because you specified “men” vs “mates” in general.

Comment by Wayne — October 26, 2007 #
Sizz, I’m pasting in a really relevant paragraph of a note I sent to a guy friend of mine a few months back (purpose: to show you I was where you are a few months ago…and it gets better):

My point? (have just realized how much I’m babbling) I love you, I respect you, and I appreciate more than (and am more amazed than) I can ever explain that you love and respect me, and that you’re around even when I’m a blubbering, idiotic, out of control, emotional, thoroughly imperfect mess. Knowing you and being aware of how fabulous you are (and that you’re not “required” to stick around for any of this), might be the one thing that gives me – way in the back of my head – a little bit of faith that maybe someone, someday, will give a shit about me enough to make me a priority and be in my life for the long haul. And that I don’t always have to search for the good in people and let everything go that bothers me…people (read: men) even stick around when you make them mad and offend them, or call them on their bullshit. Revolutionary, I know.

Comment by sandra — October 26, 2007 #
oh, honey.

have you been inside my head again? Because I haven’t been blogging about it, so how could you know? I’m struggling every single day with a level of distrust that is unhealthy. There is no reason to feel that way, I just do. He should not have to pay for what others have done and it isn’t my job to punish him for what he’s done before. And yet, my imagination runs wild, and I clam up, and choke back the tears at the weirdest times.

And he’s so patient and sweet and kind about it.

The call it ‘falling’ for a reason. I HAVE to beleive it doesn’t end with a painful thud.

Comment by esmerelda — October 26, 2007 #
I’m still in the mind frame of “I’d rather be alone than face rejection.”

I need to move out of it quickly though … I can feel it consuming me.

Comment by Airam — October 26, 2007 #
I’m hanging onto the hope that someone will come along and prove all of my sinking suspicions wrong.

Comment by Valley Girl — October 26, 2007 #
Yup, they leave. All the time. Most of the time without reason leaving you lonely with a bottle of wine, 2 smokes and a boatload of heartache.

But.

Then.

He’s.

There.

Married for almost 4 years. Still can’t believe that I got so lucky. Gave up on love but he made me believe in it again. Single mother…lots of baggage…and he took a chance.

It can happen. Don’t give up! Kiss a frog!

p.s. I still want t;0o strangle him now & again. He’s still a boy!!!!!

Comment by Angela — October 27, 2007 #
It’s a hard thing to do – letting go of everything from the past – simply because we tend to learn from past experiences. But every relationship, every person, is different. It’s only natural to have a guard up, but if you’re forcing that guard to stay up and keep yourself from experiencing something that could potentially be wonderful…well you’re right in that we can only hope that that person will come into our lives and disprove those theories.

Comment by Michelle — October 30, 2007 #
i concur with angela above.

strangely enough, when you are absolutely DONE – it happens.

at least the “mr. here-for-now.”

i’m not one to believe everything is forever.

Comment by gorillabuns — October 30, 2007 #