Intentionality

December 31, 2007 at 10:33 am | In life lessons, living out loud, my neurosis, processing | 26 Comments

It’s no secret I’ve been waiting impatiently for this day for weeks, internally pleading for 2007 to be over already. Give me a fresh start! But you know what? Upon review of my blog archives I realized that this year was a really good year for me. At the beginning of 2007 I set my intention theme- Acceptance. And honestly? I really DID a lot of acceptance this year. Acceptance of me.

I spent a lot of energy letting go of the unhealthy parts of myself- facing my sugar addiction, wrestling the over-niceness disease I suffer from, retiring my cape from the rescue complex I have been perfecting since childhood, saying goodbye to the toxic people that take up too much of my precious energy and heart space- and for that, I say thank you to 2007. Thank you for helping me finally see that accepting myself and knowing my own worth is invaluable (and a journey I will be on for the rest of my life).

I pushed myself into finally accepting I am worthy of love. . . And I found love- twice. On the first go round, I got my heart broken but learned valuable lessons about trust and integrity and valuing my worth. Even though I didn’t go into a lot of specifics on the blog, I spent the earlier part of 2007 crying my eyes out over a situation I should have never been involved in. . . But there’s no changing the past. There is only moving forward. I forced myself to walk away from two people who played an important (if not very painful) role in my unlearning. Enough with the toxicity, the being told one thing but seeing another, the feeling used, the playing the best friend instead of the leading lady in my own love life. Enough! And in walking away, I walked right into the arms of an amazing man who shows me every day about real love. The healthy kind. The kind that makes me go “wow” and not because it hurts but because it is so utterly amazing to have someone show up so consistently, adore me for exactly who I am, and be a person of integrity, character, smarts, and utter silliness that I find myself laughing and smiling and feeling filled with hope. I chose love and it chose me back!

This is one of my favorite quotes from my blog this past year:

Maybe first you have to be willing to let someone see it. The raw ugliness of your pain stitched up in who you are and who you long to be. There’s beauty in that. Maybe then you let them touch it and when you see that they don’t flinch, you breathe deeper. There’s healing in that. You let yourself be vulnerable in front of someone new and you build trust. There’s hope in that. You wear your scars like medals of honor from a war you fought so courageously in. They are part of your history. They are a part of who you are now.

And hopefully, you begin to see that it’s possible to love again.

I did learn to love again. And I can honestly say I am excited for 2008 to see how the rest unfolds- what new things I will learn about myself and about the incredible journey I’m on. When I think about 2008, one word keeps coming up for me. After all the learning and unlearning of 2007 I’ve got to muster the courage to move onward and upwards, right? I’ve got to ignite the spark within me. I’ve got to use what I know to better myself and the world around me.

So this year’s theme is: GUMPTION.

As Mark Nepo so eloquently said, “There is no substitute for genuine risk.” Watch out 2008, I’m tapping into my spunkiness and I am not afraid to use it.

May 2008 bring each of you love, laughter, adventure and the actualization of your own intentions. Know that my 2007 was made brighter by you being in it. Here’s to a new year and new beginning!

“All of these lines across my face/Tell you the story of who I am/So many stories of where I’ve been/And how I got to where I am/But these stories don’t mean anything/When you’ve got no one to tell them to/It’s true…I was made for you/I climbed across the mountain tops/Swam all across the ocean blue/I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules/But baby I broke them all for you/Because even when I was flat broke/You made me feel like a million bucks/You do/I was made for you . . .” -The Story, Brandi Carlile

Where I Kick My Own Ass

December 30, 2007 at 11:50 am | In everyday frustrations, life lessons, my neurosis, processing | 15 Comments

I’ve been a real bitch lately.

No. I am serious. I have been crabby and whiny and apathetic. I’ve been disconnected and self-absorbed and needy. I am very, very sick of myself.

I keep thinking that come 2008 things will be better but that’s a load of crap. What does the clock striking midnight have to do with my attitude? There’s no slate that will be magically wiped clean when the new year begins. It’s entirely up to me.

Little things have been bothering me more than they should- meaningless passing comments, stupid blog stuff, unintentional slights, etc. I’ve only been seeing negative. The past month has been really hard on me, I’ll admit, but there was a lot of good in it as well. Why don’t I see it? All I focus on is disappointment and pain and sadness. That’s so stupid! Where did my positive attitude go? Why is it so dark in my head when usually my perspective is much brighter? How in the hell do I shift this!?

I know that I am taking it too hard. That these days I had off from work, this vacation I was going to be on, drastically changed when I got sick. And I know that I am really disappointed that I haven’t done all the fun things I wanted to with this time off. I also know that I got that run down for reasons that should be teaching me lessons- I push myself too hard; I don’t prioritize my own health; I need stronger boundaries- and yet all I’ve been doing is feeling sorry for myself. What kind of wimpyasscrap is that? I know better than that. I am a person of action, not wallowing. I have four days left until I go back to work and I will be damned if I am going to sit on my couch one more day and watch bad TV. Fuck the nausea and irritability and fatigue. Fuck the concussion and bad attitude. The only person that can make this better for me is ME.

Time to make it happen.

“And I don’t know/This could break my heart or save me/Nothing’s real/Until you let go completely/So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving/So here I go with all my fears weighing on me/Three months and I’m still sober/Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers/But I know it’s never really over/And I don’t know/I could crash and burn but maybe/At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me/So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right/No comparing, second guessing, no not this time.“- Sober, Kelly Clarkson

Welcome Home, Fella

December 28, 2007 at 11:22 am | In float my boat, love, sentimentality | 19 Comments

in bed

After 6 days and 5 nights apart. He’s home.
This makes me very happy.

“Somewhere there’s music/How near, how far/Somewhere there’s heaven/It’s where you are/The darkest night would shine/If you would come to me soon/Until you will, how still my heart/How high the moon . . .”- How High The Moon, sung by Sarah Vaughan (one of my Christmas presents from The Fella)

Holi-daze

December 26, 2007 at 8:54 pm | In everyday frustrations, family, health, my neurosis | 26 Comments

I spent 3.5 hours at the ER today. They said I could go to this part of the ER called “fast track” but apparently there isn’t anything fast about “fast track.” The waiting room was full of people with mysterious illnesses. My poor Mom was with me and she’s suffering from the 24 hour bug that’s making its way around our family. First Double B and Finn, then Doke, and now my Mom. Me? I’ve got a mild concussion so I feel nauseous and light headed and not hungry most days since I cracked my head on that stupid stool. I got my stitches out though. It hurt since they were tied into my hair in some spots. I could take that discomfort if I could just stop feeling queasy. The nurse said I could feel this way up to 3 weeks. Um, no! I don’t want to feel like this one day more.

I’ll tell you one thing, in the midst of all this I feel grateful for my relative health. If this is all I have to complain about? I’m pretty lucky. I feel bad for everyone who has had to put up with me though because I have been cranky and irritable and not myself. I’ve missed two shows from this stupid virus (last Thursday with The Fella and tonight with my sis and mom for a holiday show) with pre-purchased tickets no less! This hasn’t been the best holiday season for us. Too much sickness.

I am glad the holidays are almost over. I just want it to be the new year. I need a fresh start. I just want to feel healthy again. I can tell you one thing- there are going to be some serious changes to how I live my life.

From Christmas Past. . .

December 24, 2007 at 8:59 pm | In family, history, love, sentimentality | 21 Comments

christmas joypuppets with popsnow with momdorks

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

(1st picture: me; 2nd picture: me and my Dad; 3rd picture: me bundled with my Mom; 4th picture: me in the plaid skirt and boots with Dokey making typical dorky faces)

P.S. I don’t want to jinx anything but I actually woke up feeling closer to normal than I have in a week. It’s a Christmas Miracle!

P.S. (Take 2) I did jinx myself as I don’t feel better at all today. This marks one week that I’ve felt sick to my stomach and light headed. I’m am so over it! I want to feel better and have a vacation! The only Christmas Miracle that happened was the brief snow falling mid-day.

Have I mentioned how sick I am of being sick?

Cramping My Style

December 23, 2007 at 11:06 am | In drivel, family, health, spazzing | 16 Comments

This whole head injury business is really putting a damper on my plans. As much as I’d like to, I can’t stand up or walk around for very long without getting light headed which means I have to sit. Sitting is boring. Sitting is wholly inconvenient when I have errands to run, people to take and pick up from the airport, muffins to bake and a friend to visit in the hospital. Stupid head injury!

The headache has subsided though so I’m grateful for that. And I’m sleeping a lot so that’s got to be doing some healing good. Dokey drove me around on errands yesterday. Target 3 days before Christmas is scary but Target 3 days before Christmas when feeling easily disoriented and woozy? Frightening. Good thing Doke was there to guide me around and help me make decisions lest I still be standing there trying to figure out what to purchase. She put her hand under my elbow like I’m an elderly person too frail to maneuver the crowds. It was, sadly, necessary. And appreciated.

I decided if I can’t run around doing all the stuff I wanted to do, I can at least focus on the craft projects I started that are supposed to be done by Christmas. Bad movies and tea and knitting. It’s one hot kind of evening in the Sizzle house. The Fella is off in Florida until Thursday so I can lounge around the house in his pj bottoms and ripped up shirt and miss him while I recover. As I was finishing up a scarf, I attempted 6 times to add tassels or fringe to the end but for the life of me could not remember how to do it. I tried many different ways. I even looked it up on the internet but to no avail. I just simply could no remember HOW to do it. And I had done that very thing just a week prior on a different scarf. WTH?! I usually have an incredible memory that is both a blessing and a curse and now I can’t remember how to make tassels!?

Then after a couple hours it suddenly just came to me. I hung up the phone with Hillz and wham-o, it was there. I quickly grabbed the unfinished scarf and added the damn tassels before it left my banged up noggin again.

So yeah, I’m slowly getting better. Thank you for all of your well wishes! My Mom arrives today and while I am always happy to see her, this injured woman really, really wants her Mommy. Nothing heals like the TLC of my Mom.

“Listen just a little bit harder/The hearts tell the truth/Is it just a pistol on the edge/To keep you moving/You’re looking like you’re looking for something/And now, you’re surrounded by silence, whoa. . .” -If Only, KT Tunstall

I’m A Head Case

December 21, 2007 at 12:13 pm | In health, my neurosis, processing | 52 Comments

I really appreciate all of your concern and sweet comments. I’m slowly feeling better if not still light-headed and sleepy. As my blog brother Kevin said in his recent comment, this is certainly confirmation that I am indeed a “head case.” Heh. That made me laugh.

Kapgar said:

Holy crap! I’m really, really sorry this happened to you. I can’t believe this happened to you. Yikes!

But on a funnier note, we now all have confirmation that you’re a “head case.” Heh. ;-)

And then someone else, AKA “Santa,” commented hours later, confirming I am a “head case” but I don’t think they meant it in the same way. What do you think?

New comment on your post #1701 “Down She Goes”
Author : Santa (IP: 207.105.108.4 , 207-105-108-4.ded.pacbell.net)
E-mail : santaclaus02252007@live.com
URL :
Whois : http://ws.arin.net/cgi-bin/whois.pl?queryinput=207.105.108.4
Comment:
It seems as if many bad things have been happening to you lately, doesn’t it? Its called karma. Remember, you reap what you sow. I think you know what I mean, don’t you? I’m not buying your constant victim act. Maybe the other people who read this bog do, but not me. If I were the “fella” I’d run for the hills. He has no idea what he is getting himself into, but he’ll learn soon enough. You’re crazy. That’s why no one has wanted to marry you and that’s why no one ever will.

Merry Christmas

I am about 99% sure I know who wrote this. It smacks of him and his cruelty. It’d be just like him to post something mean on a post where I had cracked my fucking head open and had to go to the Emergency Room. Because apparently, I am a bad person playing the victim in his mind and I don’t deserve any kindness. If this is the person I think it is, I could say very mean and spiteful things back to him but I won’t. I’ve cut off contact with him for very good reasons. This comment is just one piece in a long list of evidence as to why I had to.

I deleted it out of my comments because it did what he wanted it to. . . it hurt me. And then I decided to post it here for all of you to read because I don’t keep secrets. Because I’m not perfect. Because sitting back and letting this person’s words play over and over in my head isn’t going to do me a damn bit of good.

And because if I didn’t, I’d start believing this asshole is actually right. And he isn’t.

He isn’t.

Down She Goes

December 20, 2007 at 10:29 am | In health, spazzing | 62 Comments

We were at the hospital until 2:00am last night.

Let me explain.

All day I’d been feeling weak and incredibly cold. Like cold to my core. I couldn’t get warm. I felt achy all over and just thought it was really bad PMS. I went home and got immediately into bed where I slept off and on for about 2 hours. I got up to heat some water for the hot water bottle and that’s when it happened. I felt very dizzy and light headed, the next thing I knew there was blood.

I was very disoriented and still, hours later, I can’t really tell you the proper sequenfloorce of things. I must have fainted and cracked my head on the small blue stool in my kitchen. (There are still traces of blood but The Fella tried to clean it up so I wouldn’t have to see it.) I called The Fella who rushed over. I called my Mom who told me to hang up and call 911. I called 911 and they came. My sis called and I was on the phone with her when I went over to my neighbor’s house. I was afraid I’d pass out again and the paramedics or The Fella wouldn’t be able to get in the building. Apparently, I was profusely apologizing to my neighbors. I don’t really know her and she had company. I was bleeding a lot out of the back of my head. It wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t making any sense. Head trauma can do this to a person.

We went to the emergency room- The Fella and my brother-in-law, Double B. They helped me piece together what happened and fill out paperwork. They got me into a gown, hooked me up to an IV, blood pressure machine and heart rate monitor (is that what that thing on your finger is?). I texted some friends to let them know what happened then got scolded for using the cell in the hospital. (It interferes with the electronic equipment they said.) Double B left to call some of my friends and get some sleep. The Fella stayed, holding my hand, saying, “You’re my brave girl.” as they stitched up my head. (And he’s coming down with a cold himself- he’s such a gem.) Though, he wouldn’t take pictures of me like I asked. My reasoning being- this has to go on the blog! You don’t faint from fever (102 degrees when I arrived at the hospital.), cut open your head so they can see bone (that’s what they told me- ewww) and get stuck in a stupid gown and head wrap without documenting it. Am I right? Right.head trauma

I’m currently sporting a very sexy look. Hair matted with blood that can’t be washed until late tonight and a gauze head wrap. I’ve got a massive headache and I feel pretty weak. Today was supposed to be my last day of work before vacation. Guess “vacation” is coming a day early.

It’s always something.

I can’t even think about the hospital bill. It makes my head hurt worse.

P.S. To The Fella: I’m going back to bed this instant! I mean it! (You’re dating a blogger, whatchagonnado?)

Searching For A Crack To Climb Through

December 19, 2007 at 8:34 am | In love, my neurosis, processing | 25 Comments

Our psyches are built to protect us. People who have experienced intense and horrific trauma often push those memories so deep inside them, they can’t even recall it happening even though it did. People can suffer from flashbacks or post traumatic stress disorder, from depression or psychotic breaks. The mind can only carry so much pain. With me, my mode of self-protection has always been walls. Sometimes something can happen and in the wake of that fresh tear, the defenses kick in. Up go the walls. “Ha! You can’t get to me now!” they say.

Well, shit.

I have found myself behind invisible walls again. A force field designed and constructed by my fears, wounds and worries. Inside, I am pounding at the walls, screaming in frustration, “Help Me!” I want out. I am growing so tired of fighting them that I am afraid I’ll just give up. How can I tear them down when I don’t seem to have the right tools?

I feel trapped behind the fucking walls, separated from him. From the one I want to let in. It’s not fair to him that he should be pushed away for what other people have done to me. He is not them. He doesn’t lie or manipulate or use me. He shows up and talks about how he feels and accepts me for who I am. But the defenses don’t know that logic. They feel a familiar pain and instantaneously, the walls are erected. The walls, they mean well, but this method of self-protection hasn’t really worked for me. . . ever.

I try to reach out but the best I can do is press my hand against it. He reaches out and presses his palm to mine, lining up the finger tips so we are tip to tip, palm to palm. He wants to come in. I want to let him in. . . but neither of us can figure out how.

“She says you’re a masochist for falling for me,/So roll up your sleeves./And I think that I like her, ‘cuz she tells me things I don’t want to hear,/Medicinal tongue in my ear./When will it stop? When will it stop?/When will I feel all soft on the inside?/When will I feel all soft on the inside?/When will I feel soft, soft?. . .” -Masochist, Ingrid Michaelson

I am a special dork.

December 18, 2007 at 7:53 am | In bloggers rule!, spazzing | 23 Comments

I emailed my upstairs neighbor to ask him if he could turn down his amp when he’s practicing guitar. He’s been playing after the 9:00pm quiet hour time and while I can usually let some rule breaking slide, it was really pretty loud forcing me to turn up my TV or put in earplugs to sleep some nights. I am not a night owl while he, being the musician type that he is, is. I wake up at 6am. I generally am in bed before 11. I’m a real party animal at the ripe age of 34. Woo! Let me tell ya! Anyhow, I was all nervous to craft the email just so making sure I didn’t sound bitchy. Gawd, I think I need to reread “Anxious To Please” because seriously, he was playing awfully loud. I had every right to put in that request. Thankfully he was kind about it if not succinct in his answer (“sure”). And quite possibly, I am actually 84 years old in this 34 year old body.

Get off my lawn, kids!

I’m diligently sorting through the muck in my mind. Time helps. And solitude. And knitting. (Seriously, it calms me.) And the fact that come Thursday at 1pm, I will be off from work until Jan. 3rd. Oh blissfulness! I can make it. I can make it.

If this isn’t enough Sizzle for you today, why not check out my friend and fellow Seattlelite’s blog, Kaply, Inc. where I am guest posting as part of her Twelve Guests of Christmas.

And yes, I feel special.

“Love I get so lost, sometimes/days pass and this emptiness fills my heart/when I want to run away/I drive off in my car/but whichever way I go/I come back to the place you are/all my instincts, they return/and the grand facade, so soon will burn/without a noise, without my pride/I reach out from the inside. . .” -In Your Eyes, Peter Gabriel (though I am listening to Sara Bareilles’ cover of it)

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