This might come as a shock to some of you but I thought I should clear up any misconceptions. . . I am not thin. Ok, so, maybe that’s not a newsflash. But honestly, I just want to set the record straight because I am not actively trying to deceive you. Most of the photos on my blog are self-portraits and since I can’t quite ever remember how to set my digital camera timer, the shots are from the shoulders up. And I just so happen to not carry weight in my face.
I’ve had some of you approach me and ask why I might share a fat acceptance post via Google Reader or how I lost weight, etc. I know many of you are fairly new here so you haven’t had to read my numerous posts where I struggle to come to terms with my body. The truth is, I have always been chubby and by societal standards (and my own), I am overweight. Some medical doctors might refer to me as obese. I am short and I am heavy and that’s pretty much how it’s always been save those 3 years when I was 23-26 years old when I was a between a size 9-12. Yes, a size 9 was me at my thinnest. For some of you, maybe a size 9 is your heaviest.
Variety is the spice of life, right?
The other day The Fella and I stopped into a local cupcake shop. They had shirts for sale that said fun things like, “Show me your cupcakes” and “Legalize Frostitution” (my personal favorite). When we got to the front of the line, The Fella asked the counter girl what sizes the frostitution shirt came in- they only came in s to xl in girlie t-shirt sizes. I waved away The Fella’s sweet offer to buy me one, knowing that the xl in a girlie T would never fit me. What that ultimately feels like is: I don’t fit. I don’t fit in the world somehow. And I felt a deep sense of shame.
I spent the rest of the evening locked inside myself feeling like crap. Not because of the girlie T but because of all it represented about me, my worth, my own struggle to love what I look like regardless of what mass media says. Some days it is harder than others to like what I see in the mirror because as much as there are thousands upon thousands of women who look like me, we are not usually touted as “beautiful” in the media. Just go stand in a grocery line and check out the magazines or turn on the TV. It’s all over the place.
That brings me to the caricature of me in the header of this blog. It is very accurate in every way right down to the arch of my eyebrow except. . . I’m not that small. That plus the photos I share on here lead me to think that my readers will one day meet me in person and think, “Wow. She doesn’t look that big in her blog.” Maybe if TV adds pounds to a person, the internet takes them off? Either way, I don’t want there to be any surprises.
I don’t even know why I am writing this. Possibly self-preservation. If I say it first, it won’t hurt as much if/when someone says it to me. So much of me is here in this blog, in these words I write, I just wanted to be sure I was being authentic. I’m trying to accept my body. Part of my journey is honestly owning up to what it is.
I’m Sizzle and I’m a chubbette.