WTF Friday: But Who Will Blow Out the Candle?

August 15, 2008 at 6:29 am | In wtf friday | 95 Comments

We recently received a slew of applications for a job we have open and amongst them was a woman who sent us two emails, neither of which included an actual resume. In both emails she alluded to a resume that was “forthcoming” if that was okay with us. Um, we have a job opening posted so yeah, we want resumes. What the fuck with the emails talking about a resume that you will send someday? If you do not know that you should send a resume in response to a job posting you saw then you are an idiot and should not be allowed to work (let alone procreate).

The best part of the emails we received were the irrelevant personal details about her life. Here’s my favorite part of the two page email:

“I’m in the process of writing a resume and will e-mail it to you post-haste. I expect you shall receive it tomorrow as I have scheduled a party for the children in my complex at 2:30 this afternoon. It is my Golden retriever’s 1st birthday, but the party is for the children; the cake will have his name on it, but presents are not allowed! It’s just cake, ice cream and milk, but it should be great fun.”

I can’t make this shit up.

I wish I could put her name on here because it goes PERFECTLY with the email.

Ever since we received it, it’s been the talk of the office. My coworker, The Ninja, has basically memorized the letter and will throw out the “It’s just cake, ice cream and milk, but it should be great fun” line at the most unexpected moments causing me to crack up.

Seriously, who writes letters like these expecting to get a job?

And do you think any kids from her complex actually came to the party?

95 Comments »

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I LOVE THIS. What about the post-haste part – how can you so proper and then mention a birthday party for a dog?

Comment by ammanners — August 15, 2008 #
I feel sorry for the dog for having such a weirdo owner.

Comment by Kevin — August 15, 2008 #
so, you’re saying that i should remove the mention of my dog’s birthday from my cover letter? ;)

too funny … i have read some funny cover letters/emails in my time, but this one, literally, takes the cake!

Comment by michelle — August 15, 2008 #
Oh, Lordy. I thought I had seen some wacked-out resumes/cover letters before, but this one tops them all. What a freako.

Comment by Jimmie — August 15, 2008 #
Well, isn’t she quite the little event planner…That is too funny.

Comment by Foo — August 15, 2008 #
Why send the email saying you will send it tomorrow… why not just wait til tomorrow. Hey, I saw that job posting.
Maybe she was thinking it would help with the job… but rather it says, I will send lots of emails to the people you have worked hard to develop positive relationships with, telling them what I am going to do, never getting it done, thereby destroying those well established relationships.

She sounds like she is a special kind of crazy.

I love posting jobs… it brings out all kinds. Good workplace amusement.

Comment by kim — August 15, 2008 #
TAHHH! That was funny! What are people thinking?!

You should reply “OMG OMG OMG! That is soooo cooool! Well, its not like important to send me a resume thingy, because its seriously not mommy style. Sooo, its like awesome and stuff.”

Ayyy. where do people get their professionalism from? Or lack of.

Comment by gibsondog — August 15, 2008 #
The kids just egged her door and spray-painted her dog.

I’m guessing her name was either Mary Poppins or Opium McHashbrownie.

Comment by Jason - GorillaSushi — August 15, 2008 #
Okay, I love my dog (as anyone who so much as looks as my blog can tell!) but I would not have a birthday party with cake, ice cream and milk even if it was going to be great fun!

I’m one of those who will dress up their dog in a little pink hoodie but a party is too much. Okay, well maybe I’d get her a pupcake from the cupcake bakery but THAT’S IT!

Too funny!

Comment by Jamie — August 15, 2008 #
You should hire her. Think of all the good blog stories you would get out of it!

Comment by -R- — August 15, 2008 #
This is good material for the show The Office.

Comment by Marie — August 15, 2008 #
Oh! I talked to a woman like this on the phone yesterday for SIXTEEN MINUTES.

She wove me a yarn about how her daughters were freakish talented artists and they would get these incredible job offers.. but then wouldn’t get hired when their age was discovered. Interesting.

(She also started giving me advice about my job. Things like: you should have a website. you should collect email addresses. I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE.)

Comment by Abigail M. Schilling — August 15, 2008 #
Ok. I’ve seen it all. This is just too funny.

Please send me her name because I want ask her if she’ll host MY dog’s birthday party.

;-P

Comment by Ashmystir — August 15, 2008 #
Wow. Just… wow.

Comment by amandarin — August 15, 2008 #
All I have to say is :-).

Comment by Annie — August 15, 2008 #
As a Recruiter, I thought I had seen everything (including a photo a guy enclosed of himself lounging on his sofa in a tee shirt and jeans). But this even blew my mind. The totally irrelevant mention of the dog’s 1st birthday is the best.

Comment by diane — August 15, 2008 #
I think you should have asked for an invite to the party. So you could get a feel for her as a person. And then she could have given you the resume in person.

Comment by TC — August 15, 2008 #
That is CLASSIC.

She is…..special. Its not like there isn’t 100 websites out there telling you how to compose a cover letter/resume/act professional. I would really love to see what her resume says. PLEASE reply to her and ask her to send!!!! I can only imagine….

Comment by Ashley — August 15, 2008 #
But she didn’t say if the cake was chocolate! WHAT IF IT’S CHOCOLATE? Chocolate kills dogs! I will wonder about this for the rest of my life.

Comment by Jess — August 15, 2008 #
OMG, I’m working in a coffee shop right now and I just got a case of the silly laughs after reading that thing about the dog party. Thanks for that, it made my day. HILARIOUS. And of course now I’m dying to know what her name is. I bet it’s Muffy or something.

Comment by jessifer — August 15, 2008 #
I get shit like that all the time when I post jobs. I need to start saving some of these crazy bastards’ emails to post.

Comment by avitable — August 15, 2008 #
I’d hire her on the spot and then beat her to a bloody pulp on your blog every day.

Comment by wordnerd — August 15, 2008 #
Haha…oh my goodness. That’s crazy! This beats all of my weird resume stories (like the time we got a glamor photo embedded in the resume)…

Comment by Karen — August 15, 2008 #
So you’re totally going to hire her, RIGHT???

Comment by abbersnail — August 15, 2008 #
Thanks for one of the best laughs I’ve had all week. Hopefully someone will get the poor woman some help soon.

Comment by Dagny — August 15, 2008 #
I want cake and ice cream and milk!! I am GOING to that party. ;-) My cousin works for a staffing agency, and she has some of the BEST stories about applicant interviews. One guy – no joke – came in a yellow slicker and waders (like the Gorton’s fisherman!) because he was out fishing that morning, so… you know. And another girl was taking her cat to the vet after the interview, so she brought it along. Only, the girl didn’t have a car so she was taking the cat VIA RAZOR SCOOTER. Jenn said the whole office gathered at the window, to watch this girl (in pigtails and overalls) Razor scooter away with a cat in a carrier hanging from the handle bars.

Comment by mia — August 15, 2008 #
oh, and the staffing that my cousin does (comment above) is professional office stuff, so these people are interviewing for Executive Assistant type jobs paying a lot of money… in overalls.

Comment by mia — August 15, 2008 #
That is bloody hilarious!! I thought our applicants were bad but that’s very special. Who the fuck writes that as an introduction for a new job?!! Priceless!

Comment by Penelope — August 15, 2008 #
Brahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! That is too much.

PS I have been watching “how to look good naked”, you are right!

Comment by hotpinksox — August 15, 2008 #
Oh.My.GAWD. This is fantastic! I need to know her naaaaaaaamed! Now I will be stuck guessing. Muffy? Buffy? You have to hire this woman. It would be endless entertainment.

Comment by Smilf — August 15, 2008 #
If you’re looking to make some serious money, look into starting a blog that capitalizes on idiotic people…like this woman and her 1-year-old golden retriever (and on a side note… I bet her DOG has a better resume then she does). Just look at “Dr.” Laura Schlesinger and “Dr.” Phil. These people have made MILLIONS providing common sense to very stupid people.

You could do it Sizzle. Just call the new blog, “Dr.” Sizzle Says.

Comment by MAH — August 15, 2008 #
Some people … that’s too funny.

Comment by Jenni — August 15, 2008 #
I’m so happy you posted this. Every since you tweeted about it I’ve been curious about this cover letter- it definitely lives up to the crazy you implied it would be.

Comment by brandy — August 15, 2008 #
That is one of my fave parts about working in HR…. all the crazy cover letters, emails and resumes.

This one is the best though (or close to it)!! Awesome.

Y’all totally have to interview at least! You have to put a face to that story and think of how interesting she must be. hee,heee…..

Comment by Erica — August 15, 2008 #
Hilarious! She’s probably like 80 years old.

Comment by rosalicious — August 15, 2008 #
Obviously, this is some use of the phrase ‘great fun’ that I am unfamiliar with.

Comment by Tracy Lynn — August 15, 2008 #
I expect you shall receive it tomorrow as I have scheduled a party for the children in my complex at 2:30 this afternoon. Huh? So…the children will be so busy at the party they won’t have time to distract the mailman from his busy job so then he’ll be able to deliver the mail on a specified day?

You should at least call her in for an interview. I, in a can’t-look-away-kind-of-way, want to know more about this person.

Comment by Melissa — August 15, 2008 #
She was inviting YOU to the party! HA HA HA!!!! Oh man, that totally cracks me up. No. Common. Sense!

Comment by kilax — August 15, 2008 #
I love people. This reminds me of the bus driver who told me her entire life story last weekend. I now know that she has a tattoo on her leg that she likes to wear shorts so she can show off, her best friend was married and then immediately divorced and now is dating a younger man who she lives with. The driver totally likes him though and would be in their wedding. She wants her own wedding to be in her parents backyard.

All of this in 10 blocks. Some people just love to share.

PS, thanks for sharing this.

Comment by Jen Rotert — August 15, 2008 #
I’ve always thought the crazies should wear a sign around their neck identifying themselves, but she doesn’t even need a sign, she just puts it out there for all the world to see. And laugh at.

Comment by Vanessa — August 15, 2008 #
LOVE IT!

Comment by Rhi — August 15, 2008 #
You might have to hire her…simply for blog fodder.

This is comedy gold.

Comment by Isabel — August 15, 2008 #
Umm…methinks the lady might be crazy.

Comment by Mel Heth — August 15, 2008 #
It was totally me:

http://flickr.com/photos/misszoot/578264991

Just kidding. My dogs are not golden retrievers. And I also did not feel the need to tell anyone about our party while also trying to get them to hire me for a job.

Comment by Zoot — August 15, 2008 #
I love it when people include their hobbies and interests as an entire section on their resumes.

“In my spare time I like S&M, cupcakes and needlpoint.”

Unless the job description discusses dogs, cake, etc. (or in my example S&M) why do they do it?!? It does provide some comic relief, so in that regard their job is already done! :)

Comment by skyzi — August 15, 2008 #
I actually think the “post-haste” part was my favorite. I haven’t heard anyone say that since 1947. :)

Comment by jenny — August 15, 2008 #
You really CAN’T make that up. That is comedy GOLD.

Comment by Angella — August 15, 2008 #
This has me thinking, ‘Maybe I need to change my technique of job hunting’.

If I go over-the-top with my communications, I’ll get hired so they can have comic relief!

Comment by Tobiwan — August 15, 2008 #
This was worth the wait! She sounds like that crazy Aunt Clara from Bewitched. I loved Aunt Clara. Maybe I could hire your applicant to be my aunt. Forward me her contact info and I’ll give you a finder’s fee. It will be forthcoming, if that’s okay with you.

Comment by Deb on the Rocks — August 15, 2008 #
Oh. My. God.

Milk?
Golden Retriever?
post-haste?

Comment by justrun — August 15, 2008 #
Wow. That’s priceless! I guarantee you won’t forget her for a very long time. Hehe Does your company send back standard responses to all of it’s applicants? I think you should make up a “special” one just for her.

Comment by Gina — August 15, 2008 #
Yeah, but you kind of HAVE to hire her, because you would get so damn much blog fodder… worth her weight in pointlessness, I say.

Comment by manager mom — August 15, 2008 #
That is the funniest thing I have read all week, and I read a shitload of blogs. I liked how she put an exclamation mark after saying that presents are not allowed, as if there were seriously children in her complex that we were going to shower this spoiled ass dog with presents. We wouldn’t want that Golden Retriever to think he’ll get a lot of presents on every birthday, now would we?

Comment by MsPrufrock — August 15, 2008 #
Hil-freakin-larious.

I think I would go to a dog’s birthday party if there was free cake involved and I only had to walk downstairs. But I would never include the fact that I was throwing said party in a cover letter.

Comment by J P — August 15, 2008 #
This is one of the reasons I’m actually sad I’m not ina position that’s involved in HR or hiring in any way any more in my current job. I miss those crazy applicants, dammit!

Because, oh holy hell, this was funny. My fave blog post of the week, to be sure!

Comment by Faith — August 15, 2008 #
You SO made me laugh! Best part of the day so far. F*cking hilarious!!

Comment by Amy G. — August 15, 2008 #
Dag, Sizzle. Why you gotta put my email on the interwebs? I’ll still send that resume, but it might have some doghair and ice cream on it.

Comment by Shania — August 15, 2008 #
So, I take it the job you posted doesn’t include throwing dog birthday parties. Too bad, because that would be “great fun!”

Also, I have this urge to google portions of the cover letter because I think it would be fabulous if this woman has a blog. Could be entertaining, no? :)

Comment by Keely — August 15, 2008 #
how strange, I sent that to every potential employer during last month’s job search…

… so?

:) have a fantastic weekend!

Comment by robin — August 15, 2008 #
This is golden. I laughed pretty hard after reading this. I guess sometimes applying for a job can read like a blog entry, maybe it shouldn’t though. If you hired her, think of the stories, just about it.

Comment by egan — August 15, 2008 #
Dude, that is hilarious!!! I imagine her as a crazy British lady because she used the term “post-haste.” Seriously, she’s gotta have some sort of mental disorder!

Comment by Carrie — August 15, 2008 #
Hi,
first time reader, got pointed here by my BF in Hawaii. She told me you were the awesome and now I see why.

This is freaking gut wrenchingly funny, so much better than my stalker rose sending applicant. So beautiful it brings a tear to my eye.

Comment by Bunnymuffin — August 15, 2008 #
lol too funny, do you think it’s a prank?

Comment by notperfectdotcom — August 15, 2008 #
Cake, ice cream, and MILK! MILK!!? WTF?
Poor dog, it should use the party as a distraction and run away. Post-haste.

Comment by Dingo — August 15, 2008 #
And “post haste” … does anyone really say that???

Comment by thequeenlisa — August 15, 2008 #
that’s hilarious.

Reminds me of when I actually attended an ancient coworker’s birthday party for her cats. I’d just started working there and felt obligated to go, and of course, no one else from work turned up aside from a student asst. or 2, and other folks from her apt. complex. Surreal.

It was also cake, ice cream, and no gifts as I recall. Don’t remember any milk though. ;)

Comment by claire — August 15, 2008 #
I swear, the process of hiring brings out the best and most laugh-so-hard-you-cry stories.

I think I would have gone to that birthday party, though. I would have made sure the dog didn’t eat chocolate or milk, and then taken it away with me to live away from Kooky-Princess Resume Promissor. Post-haste.

Comment by Matt — August 16, 2008 #
I was on a search committee for an academic vacancy once, and we got a letter with a picture of an old guy in overalls. On the back of the picture, he wrote us a note saying he was “cheerful, able bodied, and ready to give back to the community.”

That was his… resume.

He looked pretty darned cute in those overalls, though.

Comment by Nina — August 16, 2008 #
Heh! What a nutty letter to get from a potential candidate! (Inappropriate-much??) No doubt, she’d be chatting away with anyone she could, doodling hearts and flowers on the borders of her notes, and trying to imitate in tittering tones, passages of verbage from Pride and Prejudice. Doesn’t she sound like fun?? ;-)

I have known a couple of people who were like that, giving the dog birthday parties, etc. I think perhaps if you hire any, they need to be more firmly concealed, than this applicant was! Less desperate, more naturally giving, hmm?

Comment by Bully — August 16, 2008 #
Please tell me that her name was Wendy, only spelled with an “I” and that she dotted it with a heart.

Please?

It would totally make my day.

P.S.
I swear that 70% of my blog reading now comes from you. ;)

Comment by Loralee — August 16, 2008 #
Wow. I kinda want to see what she puts on her resume now.

Comment by Stacey — August 16, 2008 #
Some friends of mine had a birthday party for their dog. At the park. With a cake….AND A PINATA! The kids broke open the pinata and then they all started crying because there were DOG TREATS inside it and not candy. WTF?

Also? My husband got emails for a job they posted. The emails were written like texts. Um, hello? Learn anything in school????

Comment by paisley — August 16, 2008 #
Very funny! She sounds like a Heather to me. You should totally interview her just so you can blog about it. And make sure she brings you a piece of cake! Greedy bitch. Flaunts the cake and doesn’t even offer to save you a piece.

Comment by robb — August 16, 2008 #
Awww. She’s just trying to show you how creative her event planning skills are. Maybe she would have a good event for your resident stoners…a “4:20 party theme” or something…you know, with Doritos and HoHo’s to get everyone involved…

Comment by Amanda — August 17, 2008 #
Can you imagine working with someone like that? She’d be on track telling you about that meeting you have scheduled and next thing you know she’s talking about her ass crack and toe jam. Ever heard of too much information? It does exist.

Comment by Nilsa — August 17, 2008 #
It’s amazxing she even knew how to e-mail

Comment by Princess Extraordinaire — August 17, 2008 #
I have two words for her: You’re hired!

Comment by HollowSquirrel — August 17, 2008 #
Don’t forget to tell us how you responded to this letter on Monday…poste-haste! :-P hee!

Comment by Bully — August 17, 2008 #
Ha, I’ve interviewed and received resumes etc. from a lot of crazies over the years too.

Comment by nicoleantoinette — August 17, 2008 #
Dude, if you’re going to go so far as to throw a party for your dog’s birthday then presents are a must. At least have everyone bring an old sock or shoe or something. No presents is just *crazy*

Also, I wonder if this is the same woman who sent a resume to a local non-profit I was working with several years ago. Well, it wasn’t actually a resume. It was a faxed letter telling us all about her personality and how amazing she thought she was, how even though she didn’t have any experience with what we did she just knew she would be incredible at it. And it was accompanied by a series of pie charts and graphs that was supposed to be her resume. I quoted from that thing for years!

Comment by fairydogmother — August 18, 2008 #
I think the party was in her head.

Comment by gorillabuns — August 18, 2008 #
Awesome.

Comment by SparklieSunShine — August 18, 2008 #
References:

Fido – Retriever. Acquainted: 1 year

Billy – Party attendee, fellow cake and ice cream eater. Acquainted: 6 years

Stanly – Imaginary friend. Acquainted: ever since ‘the accident’

Comment by jonb — August 18, 2008 #
I think kids showed up so that other moms could get a break and get them out of the house for a bit. Still, I can’t believe someone would put that in an e-mail when trying to apply for a job. So…what’s her first name? :)

Comment by Becky — August 18, 2008 #
no effing way.

that is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by Aimee Greeblemonkey — August 18, 2008 #
Way way way too funny! I probably wouldn’t even tell my friends if I did that, let alone a possible future employer!

I love the quoting thing. We do that all the time and have so many in our house that when we have people over, they are sometimes lost until we explain. At least you got some laughs over the emails, right?

Comment by tori — August 18, 2008 #
Too funny!

Comment by Christina — August 18, 2008 #
Wow. Hope you’re not even thinking about hiring her. Can you imagine having to listen to those stories daily?

Comment by X — August 18, 2008 #
I used to be a recruiter. I could tell you stories that would set your hair on fire.

I could really go for some ice cream, cake, and milk.

Holy moly, look at all these comments!

Comment by scarlet hip — August 18, 2008 #
I needed that laugh.

People are just bizarre.

Comment by Josie — August 18, 2008 #
Um… WHA?!?! Yeah, crazy. I’d be wary of that cake and milk if I were those kids…

Comment by Z — August 18, 2008 #
OMG OMG OMG you HAVE to hire her. You have to. You have to.

Imagine the blog fodder!

Comment by Maggie, dammit — August 18, 2008 #
I’m with magpie, and not just because I like her name. If you don’t hire her, you have to promise to send her to me to hire. Because that’s some crazy shit I need more of!

Comment by Mayberry Magpie — August 19, 2008 #
God I miss receiving resumes and cover letters. Some of them are so priceless. I wish I still had some of the ones that I received.

Comment by Brandon — August 20, 2008 #
this is awesome. have you considered framing key quotes from the email and decorating the office? perhaps in cross-stitch?

Comment by twwirly — August 20, 2008 #