Writing A New Story « Sizzle Says

Writing A New Story

August 27, 2008 at 7:23 am | In love, processing | 62 Comments

Fractures have erupted in many of the relationships I idolize. Broken hearts split wide open to expose acute and tangible sorrow and soul-searching confusion. In the wake, I’ve watched from the sidelines, inadequately supporting and honestly, wondering if it is worth it- this whole love business. Because if these people that I love and respect and look up to can’t make it work, how in the hell will I?

It’s a running joke of sorts – me and my seeming inability to stay in romantic relationships past six months. I’m sure the fact that I keep telling people I’m not good at love plays a large role in why things don’t work out. If you walk around telling people a story about yourself, after a while, you’ll start to believe it. And it will become true. After years of therapy I can dissect myself thoroughly enough to tell you the whys and hows and whats of it.

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there’s always cups in the sink?
What if I’m not what you think I am?

There’s the fear of the relationship not working. That we’ll try and get bored with one another. That we’ll grow apart and I’ll watch it happen, paralyzed. That I won’t be enough.

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

There’s the nagging worry that I might let myself love too deeply and it won’t be returned in kind. That someone new and better (and thinner and funnier) will come along and steal his heart away. That I won’t be able to let my guard down to really be a partner in relationship. That my controlling nature will get the best of me. And the worst of him.

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

There’s the trepidation that I will someday stop trying. Trying to see the bright side. Trying to live my life to the fullest. Trying to strive for greatness. Trying to love him the most and the best.

What if our baby comes home after nine?
What it your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometimes? Then I’ll be the one to find you
Safe in my heart.

Then there’s the panic of having children. . . or of not having children. Of parenting alongside someone and sharing that kind of epic responsibility. The thoughts of losing him or them. I cannot bear that thought. Can I put someone else before me in a healthy way? Or will I lose me?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

I am giving up.
I am giving up.
I am giving up on greener grasses.

But there comes a time when I have to take a risk. A risk to fail, to win, to live, to love. A time to give up the bullshit story replete with tragedy and pessimism and failure. A time to write a new story with a happy ending.

I am giving up for you.
I am giving up for you.
I am giving up.

I’m giving it up. For you.

*Thank you, Ingrid Michaelson, for writing this song.

62 Comments »

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Ok that made me cry. But I know all those feelings, and you know THIS moment, the one you have now with the Fella is so much better than all those that came before and that giving up the bad thoughts is SO VERY MUCH worth it.

Comment by Sitcomgirl — August 27, 2008 #
*hug*

I love you, sweetheart.

Comment by Fella — August 27, 2008 #
I can relate to every fear you wrote… the ‘what ifs’ are so scary because there are no guarantees and if you’re like me… you WANT and NEED guarantees. Especially where your heart is concerned. Be good to yourself, Ms. Sizzle and let all the worrying and negative thoughts go.

Comment by Melissa from Ohio — August 27, 2008 #
Oh my gosh that is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read!
I’m an “old married woman” now but can relate 150% to your feelings. I married my love at 36 and he was worth the wait – had daugher #1 at 38 and daughter #2 at 40. The wonderful thing about feeling apprehensive is that when you do finally let go and commit your heart 100% you never take that for granted and your relationship will keep getting stronger, more beautiful. I wish you and the Fella the very best !

Comment by Lisa O — August 27, 2008 #
I like the new story.

I was just like you… always with the self-doubt. Finally I found a man who saw through it and made me change MY story… is worth it. Every minute.

Comment by sue — August 27, 2008 #
What a beautiful love letter.

Comment by hotpinksox — August 27, 2008 #
So sweetly written. I’ve had the same feelings and fears. I think you’ve captured what a lot of people feel or go through.

Again, so sweet.

Comment by Marie — August 27, 2008 #
That was so beautiful and sweet. You two are awesome together! (sniff)

Comment by Chris — August 27, 2008 #
*sniffle*
The boy and I have been hitting a rough patch that I’ve purposely totally avoided blogging or talking about.
This post made me feel good. For us and for you, too. :)

Comment by diane — August 27, 2008 #
Awww…you’ve got a good Fella! Sometimes the risk is completely worth it. Hugs to you!

Comment by MoxieMamaKC — August 27, 2008 #
Lovely, Sizz. You’re going to be great at wedding vows :)

Comment by rosalicious — August 27, 2008 #
This is absolutely beautiful.

Comment by Angella — August 27, 2008 #
Whoo hoo! Yes!! I love happy endings, and I was so afraid that was going to go the opposite way.

Comment by Melissa — August 27, 2008 #
This was beautiful, Sizzle. You made the right decision.

Comment by Jummy — August 27, 2008 #
Good for you. And him.

(Btw, it’s wayyyy past six months, no?)

Comment by TC — August 27, 2008 #
I believe the phrase goes: A life lived in fear is not a life lived at all.

Or maybe Zapata’s war cry of “Better to die on your feet then live on your knees” works here better. :o)

Well either way, Sizz, you are your own goddess, except it, embrace it, yeah for those that get it and rejoice with you in your beauty, and fie to those that don’t.

PS – I’m one of those rejoicing in your beauty, btw. Just sayin’ :o)

Comment by Jasmine — August 27, 2008 #
This was so sweet!

Comment by Sandy — August 27, 2008 #
Aw, that was incredible. And I was holding it together (almost) until I got to Fella’s comment, then I lost it.

Beautiful tribute to what seems to be an incredible relationship.

*sniffle*

Comment by wordnerd — August 27, 2008 #
I saw love at its best this past weekend and I’m thinking it is so worth it and so are you (both).

Comment by skyzi — August 27, 2008 #
Awww. And one more thing. Please get out of my head. Actually, I’m just happy to see that one of us seems to be able to get past all that crap in our heads. I gave up long ago.

Comment by Dagny — August 27, 2008 #
What a beautiful post. You so plainly put out there the fears that so many of us share. True love has a way of superceding all these things and it very simply just is. You are a fantastic example of real love. Congratulations to you both.

Comment by Vanessa — August 27, 2008 #
oh honey…that was beautiful and made me tear up.

Comment by ballerina toes — August 27, 2008 #
Beautiful! And I love Fella’s comment in response.

Comment by tori — August 27, 2008 #
Geez, Sizzle. Making me cry at work. I’m really really happy for you. For both of you!

Comment by punchlinewalking — August 27, 2008 #
Awesome, Awesome, Awesome!

Comment by ammanners — August 27, 2008 #
I am all choked up…not wordless mind you, so I just want to say, GAH!! (hugs) You scared me for more than a minute, I don’t mind saying, but the end result is worth the wait. Seeing his face, as you kissed his cheek–yes.

Listen, I have been with my mate for 26yrs, and still I have fears occasionally come calling. We’ll fight, life will be bumpy because of some stupid work thing or whatever…but we always make sure we take the time to remember we love each other. Always always take time for those little kisses, and the love will stay with you.

Comment by Bully — August 27, 2008 #
Congratulations on your new story. The introduction was written beautifully.

Comment by Aimee — August 27, 2008 #
Perfect.

Honest and perfect.

For the first time I am going through the divorce of close friends…It has rattled me pretty deeply and made me question things that, in all honesty, need not be questioned at the moment.

Comment by AppleTree — August 27, 2008 #
This is lovely. I can’t wait to read your new story!

Comment by nicoleantoinette — August 27, 2008 #
I’m going through similar anxieties now about something new and I want to thank you for this post. I cannot tell you how good it feels to know others have these same worries and thoughts…it really gives me hope.

Comment by Shaw Girl — August 27, 2008 #
I like this new story :)

I’m so glad you’re happy, Sizz.

Comment by lvgurl — August 27, 2008 #
I am so happy you have let go and can enjoy this time. I am hopeful that when my time comes, I will be as brave as you.

Comment by Heather — August 27, 2008 #
Such a perfect post.

Comment by alissa — August 27, 2008 #
This is so sweet. And a totally worthwhile risk.

Comment by Jess — August 27, 2008 #
Of course it’s worth it. *swoons*

and, p.s.? Funnier? Ha!

Comment by Kristin — August 27, 2008 #
I’m glad I’m not the only one who teared up upon reading this. Fella is so lucky to have you. I’m so going to download Ingrid Michaelson’s CD now, too. Thanks for sharing your heart with all of us.

Comment by Mel Heth — August 27, 2008 #
I loved this – how fitting for so many….YAY LOVE!

Comment by Princess Extraordinaire — August 27, 2008 #
Aw I love that photo of you two! It reminds me of the one that Leo and I have of us by our bed from our first anniversary…

Comment by Faith — August 27, 2008 #
Well said. I believe most people have those fears. The trick is to let go of them.

Comment by san — August 27, 2008 #
That? Is my favorite Ingrid Michaelson song. And this? Was an incredible post :)

Comment by Jenn — August 27, 2008 #
Now there is the ending I was looking for. I learned a long time ago to just enjoy the ride. I could have and used to worry about all of that, but then I didn’t enjoy the ride while it was happening.

Comment by Michael C — August 27, 2008 #
Sizz – this was absolutely beautiful. I’m so happy for you – for finding your soulmate, for being able to let go of past hurts to enable you to move forward this time around, and for sharing your thoughts. The Fella is one lucky fella :) Sending big hugs your way…

Comment by Amber — August 27, 2008 #
Awww you are such an adorable couple! I just want to snuggle you both to bits!
Have faith Sizzle! In you, in him and in the pair of you. I just so desperately want you to have the “Happily ever after” :o)

Comment by Penelope — August 27, 2008 #
This post made me tear up a little. You guys are awesome.

Comment by Essentially Me — August 27, 2008 #
I’m glad you’re giving up the BS. It’s something I’ve had to do. I always worry. It’s my nature to be cynical. But you have to live for now. Enjoy what you’ve got right there with you holding your hand.

The Fella is a lucky man. I wish you both all the best.

Comment by kapgar — August 27, 2008 #
yes.
sometimes in the middle everything and nothing, the release comes, in a form we never expect.
a gift to both of you.
love and hugs.

Comment by jenny two times — August 27, 2008 #
That’s so sweet:) It seems like the risk makes us appreciate it all the more.

Comment by Becky — August 27, 2008 #
I just love the expression on The Fella’s face.

Love, contentment, happiness, trust … it’s all in his face. There’s not a taut muscle or flinch or anything!

See, he loves you because you’re you.

Awe.some.

Comment by Mattie — August 27, 2008 #
I didn’t read through all the comments, but I’m sure I’m not the first person to tear up while reading this today.
It was, for a sad lack of better words, very good. :)

Comment by justrun — August 27, 2008 #
aw i love this. this is so sweet sizzle. :)

Comment by katelin — August 27, 2008 #
Great post… And one I totally understand.

Two days after starting to date my now-husband? I told him, “I don’t do relationships. I can’t make them work. This is destined to not be long-term, since nothing ever is with me…”

Yeah. Um. So.

Sometimes, verbalizing what you are at the moment can help you change to what you want to be… And sometimes, the right person can help with that change. At least, that’s how it happened for me…

Comment by Z — August 27, 2008 #
And by “you” you mean ME?!?

OMG! I feel so special! I had no idea! I mean… I know you like me and everything (how could you not?)… but this is fantastic!

How are we going to break the news to Mighty Hunter?

Comment by Dave2 — August 27, 2008 #
Love that Ingrid Michaelson song and love that you are so happy with the Fella. So sweet.

Comment by Shelley — August 27, 2008 #
That is beautiful.

Comment by Adria — August 27, 2008 #
You know, you DO deserve love and happiness.

Comment by gorillabuns — August 28, 2008 #
You have an amazing way of putting things “on paper” — beautiful.

Comment by kristi — August 28, 2008 #
Sigh! That was so sweet and touching. I love the photo! You two are so cute and good together.

=D

Comment by Ashmystir — August 28, 2008 #
Ohhhh! That spiked my soul with sweetness! That was beautiful! I am so happy for you and the fella!

The war is over, surrendering to love is the hardest move to make. But, you did it!

Comment by gibsondog — August 28, 2008 #
And…your Mighty Hunter’s comment got me. DAMMIT, I cried YESTERDAY. (Big love, again.)

Comment by Kerri Anne — August 28, 2008 #
{sniff}
{sniff}
That post has summed up 95% of my mental illness over the past year with DC.

Seriously.

If I fall in love, what if I let him break my heart?

On hormonal days, I cry. Sometimes I freeze up.

Then I throw my hands in the air, close my eyes and just let it slide, and feel the wind in my face and the exitement of what it is and could be.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Comment by esmerelda05 — August 29, 2008 #
Daniel and I each could have written this post 6 years ago. We even told each other we didn’t do relationships, but we had to reevaluate that when we were wanting to spend every waking and sleeping moment together – and look at us now! :)

Comment by Keely — September 2, 2008 #
You’ve come so far, there’s nothing else you can do but keep going ;) You’re a keeper Sizzly

Comment by emmaenlighted — September 7, 2008 #