Dear {You} « Sizzle Says

Dear {You}

November 13, 2008 at 7:45 am | In drivel | 48 Comments

Dear Coworker,

I am not sorry I sent you that email essentially telling you to get on board or else. You have been roadblocking me for years while impeding the success of your own program. I am done catering to your ineptitude. Believe me, that was the nice version of what I really wanted to say.

Suck it up.

Signed,

Your hanging-by-a-thread coworker

*************

Dear Potential Tenant,

You totally want to live here and will give me a deposit tonight. Otherwise, I will be forced to lock you in a storage unit until you change your mind.

Don’t make me buy a lock,

Your tired-of-showing-vacant-units-new-manager

*************

Dear Chub,

You’re cramping my style. I get the message- when the underwear feels tight, it’s time to lose weight.

Signed,

No Elastic Waist Pants for Me (though they do sound comfy)

*************

Dear Cats,

I don’t enjoy eyelid licking, hair eating or whispered sweet nothings (AKA loud purring) in my ear at 5:30am.

Go back to sleep.

Love,

The Woman Who Feeds You Wet Food

*************

Dear Everyone Who Thinks They Are Getting a Christmas Gift,

You aren’t.

Apologies,

Spendthrift Sizzle

P.S. This does not include you, Finn.

*************

Dear Laundry,

Please wash yourself in cold water and dry yourself on permanent press. Then, if you’d so kindly fold yourself and put yourself away, I’d be indebted to you.

Thanks,

Commando Sizzle

P.S. Don’t forget to clean the lint screen.

*************

Dear Free Time,

I miss you.

XOXO,

(This idea was blatantly stolen from my friend, Walking Punchline.)

48 Comments »

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Hahahahahaahahahaha. Wait, you don’t like eyelid licking? Then why did you get cats?

Comment by Tracy Lynn — November 13, 2008 #
I often mentally write the same letter to my new kitten but it also includes “1:00am”, 2:30am” and “any other random time when I’m trying to sleep”.

Comment by Jason - GorillaSushi — November 13, 2008 #
Eyelid licking sounds awful.

Comment by Nat — November 13, 2008 #
I love it! It’s all good.

:)

Comment by Ashleigh — November 13, 2008 #
I “wrote” quite a few of these notes to Zoe in her first few months. They can be very therapeutic, no? :) Also, we’re doing the same thing with gifts this year: only the kiddo gets anything.

Comment by Keely — November 13, 2008 #
Here is mine this week….

Dear life,
What happened? This isn’t what we planned.

signed,
me

Comment by hotpinksox — November 13, 2008 #
That present idea sounds like heaven to me right now. I am running around trying to figure out what to get everyone. Not getting them anything and not getting a bunch of crap I don’t want in return would be awesome! I do love handmade thoughtful things, but not the frenzy of buying stuff just to buy stuff.

Comment by tori — November 13, 2008 #
The only gifts I’m giving this year will be made/crafted from the basement full of craft supplies my mother is hoarding.

Comment by Pants — November 13, 2008 #
Dear Sizzle’s Sense of Humor,

Glad to see you’re still around. Keep hanging in there.

Love,

All of us

Comment by Non Fiction Burning — November 13, 2008 #
I’m getting a Christmas present? Squeee!

Comment by Joseph J. Finn — November 13, 2008 #
P.S. This does not include you, Finn.

ROFL

Love it!

Being thrifty NEVER affects the nephew. I mean, it can affect the groceries and the social life and the parents and siblings, but never, ever the nephew.

Comment by TC — November 13, 2008 #
(And in my case, now the niece too.)

Comment by TC — November 13, 2008 #
Well if you are going to steal something, at least it’s quality stuff!

And with that,

Dear Sizz,
I.
Loved.
This.
Post.

Sincerely, Your Bloggy Friend From Way Down Souf

Comment by wordnerd — November 13, 2008 #
This was hilarious. Especially the bit about the wet food. I can so relate to that.

Comment by abbersnail — November 13, 2008 #
I was sighing and thinking you poor thing having such a rough time, right up to the line “Commando Sizzle” when I snorted wine out of my nose!

Comment by Penelope — November 13, 2008 #
OMG, HILARIOUS!

Comment by Lys — November 13, 2008 #
Dear Sizzle,
Its all yours!
Love and Kisses,
WP :)

Comment by punchlinewalking — November 13, 2008 #
Awesome post. :)
About the no gifts for Christmas, I’m actually not getting anyone anything either. They have me and I think that’s pretty much enough. ;)

Comment by Marie — November 13, 2008 #
Aw, hang in there, Sizz!

Comment by claire — November 13, 2008 #
That’s a really cute idea ;) Great post!

Comment by Ys — November 13, 2008 #
I hear ya on a lot of this… Sigh

Comment by Z — November 13, 2008 #
I wish life was so simple that all you had to do was write a note and all things would align. Why does everyone and everything have to make things difficult? I hope all your notes come true!

Comment by Toe — November 13, 2008 #
Ha! I have always liked the Dear XX posts :)

Comment by Scotty — November 13, 2008 #
Awesome.

Comment by Angella — November 13, 2008 #
ha! My co-worker needs a note telling her to stop scuffing her feet. One day I’m going to crack.

Comment by Melissa — November 13, 2008 #
I love these! And I love Punchline. :)

Comment by 180/360 — November 13, 2008 #
Heh! Awesome Sizzle! Addresses so many nuisances, in a clear and succinct way. :-) If only it were that easy!

Sending love, and energy to tackle that load of needed laundry–

Comment by Bully — November 13, 2008 #
Don’t you wish we could write letters like this and the recipients would actually respond or obey?! If you haven’t seen them already, look up the Simon’s Cat cartoons on youtube. As a cat owner, you’ll find them particularly entertaining.

Comment by Mel Heth — November 13, 2008 #
And what the heck makes Finn more special than say… somebody like… oh, I dunno… ME?!?

Comment by Dave2 — November 13, 2008 #
Will you sign my name to that last one? ?

It’s been way too long since I’ve kicked up my feet and read some blogging friends… glad to be back : )

Comment by Robin — November 13, 2008 #
Dude, I thought about elastic waist pants all day today until I could get home and change into them.
They for sure have their place.

Comment by justrun — November 13, 2008 #
Hilarious! I especially love the Christmas gift one. Also?
Dear Dave,
You are not as cute as Finn.
Sorry,
Diane ;)

Comment by diane — November 13, 2008 #
i wish all of my laundry would do itself too, i have too much, ugh.

Comment by katelin — November 13, 2008 #
I hate to say it, but I adored this post.

xo

Comment by Aimee Greeblemonkey — November 13, 2008 #
I bet The Fella’s at least enjoying Commando Sizzle :)

Comment by Becky — November 13, 2008 #
These are my favourite kinds of posts and you totally rocked it.

Comment by Essentially Me — November 13, 2008 #
Dear Mercedes dealership,

Listen, I know the law says there’s no “cooling off” period, but please let me return this car. I just read Sizzle’s blog and found out she’s not getting me anything for Christmas this year. You can even keep the cool bobblehead Elvis I bought to put on the dashboard.

Sincerely,
Heart broken blogger.

Comment by Iron Fist — November 13, 2008 #
I always forget to clean the lint screen. By the time I get around to it the lint mat is so thick I could use it for a winter scarf.

Comment by delmer — November 14, 2008 #
Here’s the deal: you allow cats to live with you, you deserve anything you get. They should be locked up in that storage container with the potential tenant.

Comment by Gramps — November 14, 2008 #
This was awesome…it gave me my first chuckle of the day!

P.S. My baby cat loves to jump up on my head and meow in my face when it’s time to wake up. During the week she’s a late sleeper but on the weekends……ugh.

Comment by Gina — November 14, 2008 #
dude, this rocks in so many many ways!

Comment by jac — November 14, 2008 #
loved this and may need to steal this month in the spirit of nablopomo! and i am relieved to see that most responded to the phrase “eyelid licking” as i did….

Comment by sambycat — November 15, 2008 #
Loved this post : ) very creative.

Comment by Jen — November 15, 2008 #
I have no eye licking cats. I do, however, have a head-slapping beagle. When she’s ready to go out in the mornings, she jumps on Nooze’s bed and cuffs her in the forehead to wake her up.

Sure beats cleaning up after her.

Comment by renn — November 15, 2008 #
Love this post and love the part about the lint screen. My often looks as though I’m attempting a quilt.

Comment by Vanessa — November 16, 2008 #
At first I missed the to line for the cats with regard to eyelid licking and I thought you just had a very tongue talented friend. Yikes.

Comment by kapgar — November 16, 2008 #
[...] November 17, 2008 in Life, The Engineer | Tags: Bloggers I Love, Pure Madness, Recipes Idea blatantly stolen from the lovely Kristabella and Sizzle. [...]

Pingback by Dear (Insert Name Here) « It All Comes Down To This…. — November 17, 2008 #
Dear Sizzle:

Would you mind if I ’stole’ this fabulous idea from you and tried a few letters of my own??

Comment by NerdGirl — November 21, 2008 #