Seeking Clarity
February 20, 2009 at 7:28 am | Posted in love, my neurosis, processing | 62 CommentsI get these Notes from the Universe which sounds weird and like hocus pocus but really it’s just a website that sends you messages. The froo froo side of me loves it.
Today’s told me:
Whatever it is you want, however you want to have it, no matter why you want to have it, Sizzle, you can have it faster if you can first be happy without it.
Well Universe, I hate to break it to you but I’m one step ahead of you. Last Saturday, oh yes Valentine’s Day, The Fella and I decided to take a break from our relationship. What does this mean? I am not sure except that we were both not feeling happy and tired of having the same conversation we’ve been having for months. So we are refraining from communication for the next month to see if time helps us have clarity.
I don’t know what will come of this. But something had to give.
I debated saying anything about it because I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it. But then I just decided to just spill it because it feels weird to me to keep something so major from the diary of my life (this silly little blog). I have a lot to explore internally and hopefully the next few weeks will give me the space to do that. I’m always trying to examine myself and my motivations but I’ve felt like I’ve hit a wall which has prompted me to try out a new therapist next week with the hopes of delving deeper. Because ultimately it’s me I will always have to live with and if I can’t figure myself out, I’m doomed.
“I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m./To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend/I woke up with a headache like my head against a board/Twice as cloudy as I’d been the night before/I went in seeking clarity./I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains/I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain/There’s more than one answer to these questions/pointing me in crooked line/The less I seek my source for some definitive/The closer I am to fine.” -Closer to Fine, Indigo Girls
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hugs to you. lots and lots of hugs.
Comment by Marie— February 20, 2009 #
The only way out is through, isn’t it? And oh, my, do I hear you lately. You already know that, but I figure it’s alright to repeat.
Comment by justrun— February 20, 2009 #
Wishing you peace and the clarity you seek.
Comment by Elwood— February 20, 2009 #
I will think good thoughts for you figuring this all out. Being an adult is really hard work! I hope that the time apart clears things up for both of you and that you both end up happy and fulfilled.
That song is one of my favorites! And I am off to check out Notes From the Universe…sounds like something I would love!
Comment by tori— February 20, 2009 #
((hugs))
I really hope that everything works out for the best. I did suspect this when I saw your Vday Twitter update.
I’m also seconding Elwood. I really hope everything falls into place.
Comment by Angela @ Lost In Splendor— February 20, 2009 #
sometimes a break is just the thing one needs. (as long as you aren’t ross & rachel)
also? naps are good.
Comment by carrisa— February 20, 2009 #
You and The Universe are so in tune. Trust in what you are doing, you will find the clarity you want and will be better for it, even if it sucks hard at times.
Hugs.
Comment by Sitcomgirl— February 20, 2009 #
I think you should go somewhere, for just a day, if you cannot be gone longer. Just you. Somewhere with no internet, no broken plumbing or needy tenants. Give yourself a retreat where you’ll have a chance to think, write out thoughts, and just BE.
And bravo to you for seeking out a new therapist. Therapy is a wonderful thing.
Comment by Catheroo— February 20, 2009 #
Hugs, I hope taht you find the clarity and peace that you need to find.
Comment by Christina— February 20, 2009 #
I hope you find the clarity you are seeking, friend. Hugs.
Comment by Angella— February 20, 2009 #
Here’s to clarity. And here’s to the journey to find it.
Hugs. We’re here.
Comment by wordnerd— February 20, 2009 #
i remember one time i posted that indigo girls song on my blog, and you mentioned you loved it.
also, tut pisses me off fairly regularly. and why is he up at 3:43am sending out these things to us?!
hope that you find the clarity that you are looking for in these next few weeks, love. wishing you lots of peace and whatever it is that will bring you the happiness that your heart deserves.
Comment by brookem— February 20, 2009 #
“Because ultimately it’s me I will always have to live with and if I can’t figure myself out, I’m doomed.”
Your self-awareness here is MIGHTY. I spent the first half of my marriage completely unhappy (hello 309 pounds!) and then eventually came to the slow realization that I’d placed the responsibility for everything that was wrong with me, my life and the whole wide world right on my husband’s lap. In reality, it was me all along. I am the only one responsible for making me happy – he’s just along for the ride. Everything changed when I adopted that attitude and we’re still married, most of the time happily so.
So you go girl! You’re definitely on the right track.
Comment by Amanda— February 20, 2009 #
Those lyrics are just perfect.
Comment by 180|360— February 20, 2009 #
I wish you the very best. More than once my fella and I had to take a week apart (yes, because that is all we could stand, silly kids) and just having the quiet makes things a lot easier to figure out.
Comment by diane— February 20, 2009 #
Good luck to you. I hope things work out super duper well!
Comment by NGS— February 20, 2009 #
You know I love you and wish only the best for you… whatever that may be. {{{hugs}}}
Comment by sue— February 20, 2009 #
Sometimes you don’t realize what you had until it’s gone. Other times, you feel relieved to no longer have it. I think you’re one smart lady for taking this break to figure out a little bit of life. Be true to yourself, girl.
Comment by SoMi's Nilsa— February 20, 2009 #
Who thinks you’re fabulous? Me.
Comment by sandra— February 20, 2009 #
That song always makes me stop and think. During a bit of a rough patch, I listened to it a number of times a day. And in some ways I think it helped.
Tough about the Fella, but it sounds like a good decision for you and I hope the break helps you figure some things out.
Comment by Meri— February 20, 2009 #
I am happy you said something. Bottling it up only makes it feel wrong and secret, and it isn’t. It’s normal. Good luck :)
Comment by kilax— February 20, 2009 #
Go for it Sizzle! You’ll find your clarity! Thanks for the Indigo Girls lyrics! I love them!
Comment by MoxieMamaKC— February 20, 2009 #
Oh Sizzle, I wish there was something I could do! I think everyone just wishes for you to be happy, and I hope you find whatever it is you need to get there.
Also, I don’t know why it is, but those lyrics always make me cry :)!
Comment by punchlinewalking— February 20, 2009 #
I hope the break helps you out. These kinds of things are never easy and I have some sense of what you’re going through.
Comment by Kevin Spencer— February 20, 2009 #
I hope you find what you are looking for. big hug!
response to your comment: hahahahha no I didn’t sent that rant to him. Just needed to get it out.
Comment by hotpinksox— February 20, 2009 #
Awww. That’s too bad but hopefully something good will come of this.
Wishing you happiness, clarity and the best of luck.
Comment by Ashleigh— February 20, 2009 #
Rich and I took several breaks along the way. Even Ross and Rachel breaks.
Comment by gorillabuns— February 20, 2009 #
However it goes it will be worth while. Love is tough and takes effort, you and the fella seem to love each other because you are making the effort.
Comment by G-man— February 20, 2009 #
*Hugs* for both of you. You are (as always) so right about needing to live with yourself first. Wise words sweetie :o)
Comment by Penelope— February 20, 2009 #
If I were there I’d give you a big hug, and then take you out for an even bigger margarita. Wish I had words of wisdom, but I dont. Matt and I broke up at least fifteen times in two years. See? No wisdom here. Hugs to you all the same.
Comment by Elizabeth— February 20, 2009 #
Wait… I meant for two years when we were dating. Not now. We’re not getting divorced. Sheeze. This is one of those days when I need to shut down the computer and not subject the rest of the world to my spazziness. Anyway, sorry about the breakup. I’m going to verbally quarantine myself now.
Comment by Elizabeth— February 20, 2009 #
Good luck, Sizzle. I hope the time will help you find clarity!
Comment by san— February 20, 2009 #
Speaking of notes from the universe, sometimes really relevant truths are held in songs for us to find. They may not say all that we want to, but if it helps us express how we are feeling? It helps.
I’m sorry about the break in things, but sometimes things are what they are. It’s good that even on that day of days, you were willing to put a finger to it. What we can’t work thru sometimes just brings us down. Good luck, in clarity. I know you’ll find it, if you are true to You.
*smooches*
Comment by Bully— February 20, 2009 #
I hope you find the clarity you are looking for, taking time for oneself is often a great place to start. HUGS
Comment by Vanessa— February 20, 2009 #
Sometimes you have to remove yourself from the situation to gain any clarity on it. I hope you figure somethings out!
Comment by serror— February 20, 2009 #
Hugs to you my dear. I hope you both work it out in a way that allows you to be the most you can be as people.
Comment by Nat— February 20, 2009 #
ouch, on valentines day. ouch. sounds like it was mutual though, which is better for the heart in some ways.
…one door closes, another opens…
Comment by Krystal— February 20, 2009 #
I get the notes too, I love em. Sending you lots of hugs. May this month give you the clarity you seek. Whenever I have asked for clarity, all hell breaks loose, so hang on.
Comment by Annie— February 20, 2009 #
A break sounds like just what you need. Here’s to hoping it makes you stronger (holding up coffee cup)!
Comment by kristi— February 21, 2009 #
I find the big romantic occasions are always when the big decisions are made. I’m glad you two are being so sensible about it. A lot of people can be so spiteful when things go wrong. I really hope things work out for the best for you both. *hugs*
Comment by Ys— February 21, 2009 #
Lots of hugs your way. And a big fat yay too! It takes a lot of courage to make this decision and to seek help when one has hit a wall. Good for you, and I hope you find the answers you need sooner than later.
Comment by Jen— February 21, 2009 #
I hope the month brings you clarity on something, and I think it’s a very healthy attitude to (a) seek to be okay with yourself, and (b) to not have the same conversation over and over if it’s not being productive. I wish you luck, and many hugs!
Comment by Sarah— February 21, 2009 #
I have a hard time figuring myself out, too, largely because I keep changing the subject every time I sit down to talk about me.
Spending a lot of time in coffee shops writing in my journal helps keep me focused.
Comment by Iron Fist— February 21, 2009 #
Justrun had it – the only way out is through. I hope you both get the clarity that you need. Whatever the outcome will be what it should. You’re wise to be taking this route.
Great lyrics. I love that album, lots of truth in it. “Language Or the Kiss” will always bring back a very poignant part of my life whenever I hear it.
Comment by Matt— February 21, 2009 #
hi there, i’ve been reading for a while without commenting, but your writing about you and the fella has really tugged at my heart as i have been experiencing some of the same things. you, however, seem much more clear-headed than i was. i think you are making a very smart (and very brave) decision to take time to think about things clearly, and separately. i hope you find the clarity you’re looking for!
Comment by megan— February 21, 2009 #
I think you are very brave. The overall tone of your post doesn’t seem distraught or broken-hearted, so I’m hoping you’re dealing with it well. You certainly seem to be.
Here’s hoping you find your clarity, and a big pat on the back for knowing yourself well enough to be alone for the right reasons.
Comment by TSM_Oregon— February 21, 2009 #
((Hugs)) I hope this month apart gives you the clarity you need to do what’s best for you!
Comment by Gina— February 21, 2009 #
Enjoy your month! I hope work is quiet on all fronts so you can spend some time doing whatever YOU want to do – whatever makes YOU happy.
Comment by mainlyclearskies— February 22, 2009 #
I wish you could have been with me when things ended with my man friend on vday too. I seriously threw my black berry across the room on Tuesday and Friday this week. I HATE the Universe. How does it know so much?
Thinking of you and hoping that this month brings you what you need.
x
Comment by sjane7272— February 22, 2009 #
Thinking of you today, and hoping that your Sunday has some small comforts for you, to fill your reserves. You are not made of fail– you are made of win. Just believe!(then go out and conquer your week)
Comment by Bully— February 22, 2009 #
Ultimately, this will be the smart decision no matter the outcome. Big hugs darlin.
Comment by nicoleantoinette— February 22, 2009 #
Do whatever you need to do to find happiness! Thinking of you.
Comment by lvgurl— February 22, 2009 #
So sorry to hear this…I’m sure that taking a break will indeed help clarify things. Sending much strength to you for getting through the experience, and hoping that things resolve for the best.
Comment by Maija— February 23, 2009 #
Sending huge hugs your way, Sizz…hoping you find the clarity you seek. Take care ~
Comment by Amber— February 23, 2009 #
I think taking a step back from a situation always brings the most clarity. Hoping you find peace in whatever decision you both make. xoxoxox
Comment by alissaclare— February 23, 2009 #
I am so sorry – that song has seen me through coutntless heataches and endeavors….big hugs to you…
Comment by Princess Extraordinaire— February 23, 2009 #
I’m reading backwards, obviously. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through something so difficult and painful. I love good therapy, and I hope it helps bring clarity. I love that song, too, and am always seeking clarity . . . What’s more important than feeling like your actions are congruent with your heart? Sending good vibes to you.
Comment by Long Story Longer— February 23, 2009 #
I’m sure this is for the best for you and the fella. The time away from eachother will either make or break the relationship. I tend to think in terms of the latter, but I will remain optimistic in spite of my realism.
Sending you a big platonic hug from No Cal.
Comment by Tobiwan— February 23, 2009 #
I hope you find clarity and that the new therapist helps. Just keep trusting your intuition.
Comment by Mel Heth— February 23, 2009 #
I am SO FREAKED OUT by this. I read this post and didn’t even realize I used the same title on my post. And it’s weird because both posts are existential but very different (or at least the types of clarity we seek are).
Hope you find yours (clarity). I’m thinking I’m going to try to be content in the mystery.
Comment by Mayberry Magpie— February 25, 2009 #
I think it’s a good idea to try that out. Sometimes you can be too close to the problem to see it, and it’s very hard to step back from a relationship and see the forest for the trees.
Sometimes I think I’m lucky that my geezer and I spend so much time apart (due to working away on different rosters) because the change in perspective is constantly being forced on us. Distance does make the heart grow fonder, but it also gives you the strength to walk away if you have to. Everything will work out for the best.
Comment by maja— February 26, 2009 #
Totally just signed up for that. :)
Comment by lizriz— March 4, 2009 #