Being Human

I went out on a limb three times in as many days.

And I didn’t fall to pieces.

For me, when I am not being authentic and sharing what’s true for me with people, I feel closed up like a bud. I do not feel like myself. And while I’m still learning to balance the sharing with the over-sharing, luckily when I do over-share it’s usually with humorous results so it’s not all bad. (Right?) It’s more the situations where I feel a disconnect between me and another person or me and what I believe to be true that weigh on me. Sometimes I avoid sharing what’s on my mind for weeks and instead avoid the person and try to act like everything is okay. I’m fine! No, there’s no problem here! Carry on! It’s really kind of ridiculous that I even try to pretend because anyone who knows me at all knows I am stalling. I am transparent to a fault so my efforts of distraction and pretending are in vain.

I don’t think bravery comes naturally to me. I have to push myself a lot of the time to open up my mouth and speak particularly when it’s something I feel embarrassed, sensitive or bad about. But what I am learning is that in sharing my worry and concern with someone I might be pleasantly surprised. I might find support and realness and grace. I might find sweet relief. I might end up feeling closer and safer with the person I had convinced myself would not care for me at all if I spoke my truth. I might even begin to look at myself as someone who can’t fix everything, who is frequently wrong or broken, who doesn’t know all the answers and who is still worthy of being loved.

It’s a process. Bear with me.

************

Guest House

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-Rumi

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19 thoughts on “Being Human

  1. I think we all feel that way on some level. The courage to share who we really are doesn’t come naturally to any of us past a certain age when we learn that who we are “isn’t good enough.” I know that for me, trying to be honest about what I’m thinking or feeling is something I always want to strive for, because what’s the point in anything else? What kind of life are you creating for yourself if you’re being inauthentic? It IS easier said than done though, and I almost always have to push past those barriers. You’re not alone! Blessings & Light–you’re awesome! :)

  2. This is beautiful. Any words I could think of to say would sound dumb/insincere but please know I really love that you wrote this.

  3. The amazing thing about opening up like that is that after I do it, I somehow immediately feel better. Sometimes I even find the euphoric “everything is going to be okay” feeling if only for an instant. Keep on doing what you are doing. :)

  4. “I might even begin to look at myself as someone who can’t fix everything, who is frequently wrong or broken, who doesn’t know all the answers and who is still worthy of being loved.”

    I couldn’t have said it better myself.

  5. i continue to watch you grow in so many fucking amazing ways…and feel so goddamn proud of you, my friend.
    love,
    me

  6. I have been working through similar issues with my therapist, I keep stuff inside because I dont like conflict. That is just no good, but if I force myself to discuss things then I do feel better right away. Keep up the good work.

  7. I love Rumi and love that poem. We are all on our own path of growth and to not be gentle with each other is to not honor the worth of the human spirit. We all need safe spaces to land.

  8. I love how open and raw you are. Even if it is only in *this* space for now. Think about what it feels to write openly in these posts and try to translate some of that to real life. You, my dear, are most definitely deserving of love and being loved.

  9. I am an expert at that avoidance thing. Clearly you’re beyond me as you’ve realized that it doesn’t really work. Bravo, doll.

  10. LOVE that poem. And love that you found it and shared it with us. I’m trying to learn to a gracious hostess to “whomever” shows up at my door. I’m trying to learn to just let things be. It is most definitely a process.

  11. You know, trying to reconcile being wrong occasionally with always being loved is a hard one…
    (Love the guest house … very true.)

  12. Be as raw as much as you want. Don’t pretend and don’t hide behind anything. You deserve so much happiness and an abundance of love!

  13. i needed to read this today… thank you for sharing.

    (and, a big ME TOO to your sentiments. it’s nice to not feel quite so alone. )

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