Out On a Limb
May 29, 2009 at 8:35 am | Posted in living out loud, my neurosis, processing | 32 CommentsThe Universe sent me this message:
Which sounds like more fun, Sizzle: Being showered with miracles just because I love you, or being showered with miracles because you dared, stretched, went out on a limb, raised the bar, threw down the gauntlet, faced your fears, and grew into more than you ever knew you could be?
Dare ya,
The Universe
My initial response was JUST BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME. Because, hello? That’s waaaay easier. But of course that’s not going to happen. Nothing is ever handed to us in this life. And so I will continue to toil away at the hard stuff.
Sigh.
I’ve been making a lot of progress if I do say so myself. I’m pushing myself to be more open about my feelings especially when they’ve been hurt and not beating myself up for feeling upset. I am very uncomfortable with my vulnerability. My therapist and I were discussing this just yesterday- how I initially react with anger because I use it as a shield but underneath is a lot of pain and hurt and sorrow. Of course it would follow that I would breakdown crying in yesterday’s session because it was in the middle of the work day and I had to return to the office. OF COURSE. I do not recommend therapy before or during work.
It’s really an odd sensation for me to focus on me and me alone. Some of my friends have drama going on in their lives but I continue to tell myself that it’s not mine and to not pick it up. To be supportive without taking it on. I have to hold the boundary because I’m like a drama addict – especially other peoples- so if I get near any, I want to dive right in. Oh let’s fix this! It’ll be fun! So sick and wrong. It’s been the best distraction for me from my own issues but not anymore! Oh no. I’m not going there.
Choosing to be healthy in mind and body and spirit is something I have to commit to daily. The dark side is so alluring though. It’s full of distractions and distortions and, let’s be honest, it makes for a better story. But fuck it. I’m throwing down the gauntlet and facing my fears and raising the bar. I’m going to be more than I ever thought I could be. I’m totally scared I will fail but I’m doing it anyway.
“Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.”-Frank Herbert
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Good for you! (I’m clapping in my mind). YOU are the most important person. My favorite line I learned in therapy was “keep your own side of the street clean.” I remind myself of that line every time I want to jump in and try to fix friends’ or family members’ problems. We gotta worry about our own dirty sidewalks first. And maybe when our friends and family see how clean we’re keeping everything, they’ll be inspired to do the same thing.
Keep up the good work. Show that gauntlet who’s boss. :)
Comment by Mel Heth— May 29, 2009 #
You won’t fail, Sizz. I know you won’t. :) I’ll be rooting for you.
Comment by Keely— May 29, 2009 #
Hey! I didn’t know you were a Dune fan! Liking you even more now ;)
Someone I know once said “Sometimes you have to do what scares you to make life better.”
Sounds like you’re on the right track.
Comment by Tim— May 29, 2009 #
Even for those of us who aren’t drama addicts, it is so easy to get sucked in. It takes a conscious effort to let it be.
Comment by Gramps— May 29, 2009 #
You are so amazing. I am very impressed with your progress.
Comment by Jess— May 29, 2009 #
You go for it Sizz and don’t think about failure as a possibility, think that if anything doesn’t turn out how you want it to, then it’s always a learning experience, but never a defeat. You can do this, you can!
Comment by Jen— May 29, 2009 #
I think we are traveling down incredibly similar paths right now- only you are way better at it than I am!! I admire your strength and look forward to your posts to remind myself to be strong!
Keep up the good work!
Comment by anonymous— May 29, 2009 #
I’ll go out on that limb with you.
Think it’ll hold us or will we just crash to the ground in laughter?
Either way is good right?
Comment by Ashleigh— May 29, 2009 #
I think this is amazing. You’re doing such an amazing turn around and I find it very inspiring. Fuck drama. I think you’re going to discover things that are way more exciting, enjoyable and just fun.
I can’t wait to hear more as you go through this personal journey. Seriously. I think it’s great.
I’m making my way there…slowly.
Comment by Angela @ Lost In Splendor— May 29, 2009 #
Way to go, Sizzle! Removing oneself from other people’s drama is a difficult thing to do. Good luck!
Comment by hillary— May 29, 2009 #
Based on the amazing number of friends and blogging pals that you have, I’d say no one is going to let you fall. Or fail. So, take that leap, girl. We’re all here to support you!
Comment by SoMi's Nilsa— May 29, 2009 #
When I was going through the poo of breakup/divorce a wise person told me that it’s ok to be selfish and think of yourself. Helped me get through some not so good days.
Comment by Kevin Spencer— May 29, 2009 #
*walks into sizzle’s cheering section* woo hoo!
Comment by zeghsy— May 29, 2009 #
We’ve got your back, friend. Rooting for you all the way.
Comment by Angella— May 29, 2009 #
You WON’T fail because you have an amazing spirit and are a lot tougher than you realize. When we have to struggle and work hard to achieve our success, it tastes all the sweeter!
Comment by Shaw Girl— May 29, 2009 #
Heehee! I love the DUNE quote at the end. Of course it makes me think of Sting in leather panties but whatev!
Sizzle, don’t just throw down the gauntlet, take a ferry and throw it over board.
I’m sure that made more sense in my head. :o)
– Jaz
Comment by Jaz— May 29, 2009 #
DUNE!!! How much do I love that you just quoted that? Um, very much.
Lately, I’ve been shifting my thinking so I don’t beat myself up so much for flaws, choices, what-have-you; and that small change is making other things possible. Instead of judging myself harshly, just letting certain things be as part of the whole that I am without judgment. It’s new to me, but I really want to get the hang of it, because it makes taking risks, risking failure easier.
One step at a time…
Comment by claire— May 29, 2009 #
…you are one of the strongest people i know and have in my world …believe it or not, i thank the powers that be everyday that you are a close and dear friend
Comment by zainmoribundi— May 29, 2009 #
Amen.
Comment by Kendall— May 29, 2009 #
Nothing is learned by success. Failure, on the other hand, teaches us the wisdom of change like nobodies business. That’s Nobodies, Inc, by the way.
Comment by Tracy Lynn— May 29, 2009 #
I think I need some therapy again. I never did it for long but I have some issues which of course I don’t blog about!
Thx for the comment…..I’m glad you are working through your issues. It seems that mine never seem to go away. Oh yeah, they get better with time and then something else rears its ugly head. ha.
I know we only met briefly at the blog meet up last summer but if ya ever want to hang out it would be fun to go out in Seattle.
Patty
Comment by Patty— May 29, 2009 #
Read these words very carefully: YOU WILL NOT FAIL. You know why? Because you keep going, you keep finding solutions, you have people who love you and care about you, you are strong, and my dear, you will not fail.
You are so right to only focus on yourself. I had (have?) a friend who had SO much drama going on in her life that at a certain point not only did I get exhausted from her, but I started having certain issues popping up in my life. You know what I did? I focused on me and kept a friendly distance. Sometimes it’s just something that needs to be done and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Please know you are not alone. You will get through this. It gets a little darker before the light pops out. But everything will be ok. And we’re all here for you.
xoxo
Comment by Marie— May 29, 2009 #
I think being healthy in mind and spirit is way tougher than anyone thinks. Good for you that you’re seeking that balance and going for it!
Comment by Stacey— May 30, 2009 #
The hardest thing about separating yourself from the drama of others when you’ve included yourself before isn’t making the decision or staying out of your own volition – it’s the expectation of others that you WILL come to “help.” At least, that’s been my experience. Not living up to expectations is hard – but you’ve put your expectations for yourself into play, and those are far more important.
Comment by nicalyse— May 30, 2009 #
I’m going to try and take a little bit of that mentality and apply to my own life.
Comment by Sitcomgirl— May 30, 2009 #
Sounds like you’re making some great progress with your therapy. I think that the fact that you’re realizing what some of the issues are and how to deal with them is the biggest part of the hurdle — you’ll do it!
Comment by Becky— May 31, 2009 #
I love that you are making progress on not taking on other peoples problems and fixing them. I need to work on that still but am super impressed that you are able to do it!
Those universe things always make me think. Thank you so much for telling me about them in the first place!
Comment by radioactive tori— May 31, 2009 #
Sounds like you are doing great. It’s not easy to not get pulled into drama, especially when it’s so close to you. Good for you for setting some boundaries.
Comment by Vanessa— May 31, 2009 #
I can sense a new era approaching. An era of freedom and hope. An era where all of the sizzlefolk shall be free.
Oh yeah, and I like it when you say “fuck” in your posts. I think you’re new posture towards your life is a winner. As I often say, “go balls deep our keep it in your shorts.”
Comment by Matt— May 31, 2009 #
Yeah, first option is much easier, but with little to no sense of accomplishment. I”m proud of what you’ve done. If you’re happy with it, then that’s a good thing, right?
Comment by kapgar— June 1, 2009 #
Hard? Hell, yeah! It’s a lot of work to change and live your life differently–every day (just as you say.) I think the biggest misconception is that you’ll wake up one day and decide to make things different, and that’s how it will be. Not. At. All. You have to work at it every day…and some days, you WILL fail. But over time I think it becomes second nature (and not so painful.) That’s what I keep telling myself anyway!
You are an inspiration! :)
Comment by Christy— June 1, 2009 #
Wow, you’re a brave woman- I don’t think I’ve ever NOT cried in a therapy session. Mid-day appointments are simply not an option.
Good luck.
xo
Comment by Princess of the Universe— June 1, 2009 #