I’m pretty much fed up with cowardice.
You know how everyone has their breaking point? Their personal triggers, if you will? Well one of mine is lying and in particular, lying out of cowardice. The save-your-own-ass kind of cover up. The lying-to-yourself-so-you-are-lying-to-others scam. Is most lying out of cowardice? I’m pretty sure 90% of it is motivated by fear. Are cowardice and fear cut from the same cloth? Does this formula even compute?
Man, I hate word problems.
I am a very sympathetic person and tend to put myself in another person’s shoes to try to comprehend where they are coming from. . . but I am also guarded and judgmental. I do not like that I am but admitting it is part of the healing. I understand fear. I even understand cowardice though I have zero tolerance for it. Being a coward about your feelings around me is a recipe for disaster. I would rather have hard truth than tip toeing around. I had enough of that in my childhood thankyouverymuch. I think that’s why I am so frank now. I’ve just seen what not speaking your truth can do to a person. It can make you shrivel up and die (in different senses of the word). It’s a horrible thing to watch and worse, to feel.
I’m kind of an intense person. I’ve been told I am somewhat intimidating- though most of the time this statement has come from a man who I am dating/breaking up with who is not my emotional equal. Correct me if I am wrong but shouldn’t someone who supposedly loves you not ask you to be less than who you are just so they can feel comfortable with their self-proclaimed inferiority complex?
And I am not being very nice.
And I have no idea how to tell you succinctly what the hell is motivating me to post this. For the past year I have been surrounded by relationships that are breaking apart because of infidelity. That’s one thing. For the past few months I have been struggling to feel sympathy for people who have completely lost sight of their own integrity because they have fallen into a dark hole of self-loathing. That’s another thing. For my entire life I have been striving to be an empathetic person who encourages people to be authentic. And what I have come to realize is that our fuckedupness, our humanness is so complicated and constantly shifting that I will never get a handle on it. That the best I can do is ride the wave and maybe, sometimes, remind people to:
Just speak your truth.
Just be yourself.
Just stop hiding.
That’s the big thing.
We’re all just so lost, just trying to be found.
“The little cracks they escalated/And before you know it is too late/For making circles and telling lies . . .” -Lies, Swell Season