X Marks the Spot
August 27, 2009 at 6:04 am | Posted in love, processing | 30 CommentsWelcome to Bare Your Soul Week here at Sizzle Says (apparently).
So The Fella and I are trying to be friends.
For those of you on Twitter, at this point you’re all, Yawn! Old News! But the entire world is not on Twitter (gasp!) so I thought I’d talk about it here. (Side note: It was amusing the first time The Fella and I exchanged tweets in the public forum because a bunch of people direct messaged me asking what the hell was going on and if we were back together. We are not back together.)
No, seriously. We are not back together.
After we broke up in March, some shit went down which I attempted to keep off my blog (and still will). Suffice it to say- feelings were hurt on both sides, it was not our finest hour, we’ve both been doing some heavy soul searching (and therapy) and have found ourselves in a mutually agreeable space where being friends feels like the right thing to do.
I was mad for a long time. The kind of mad that makes you clench your fists, throw things (not AT anyone, mind you) and ramble on and on to friends about the INJUSTICE and STUPIDITY and WHYWHYWHY. It was not fun. That is an understatement. (Sorry guys.)
But then one day, quite out of the blue, I woke up. Literally and figuratively. And I was no longer mad. It just so happened that within the next day The Fella happened to walk by my apartment building when I was glancing out the window and so I waved. And he? He totally saw me. And ignored me. Never one to sit quietly back and be overlooked, I promptly texted him. “I waved at you! Good morning!” He played dumb saying he *thought* he saw me and then later admitted that his heart was in his throat and he did not actually believe I would ever acknowledge his existence again so he pretended to not see me.
Oh the silly games we play.
Over the weeks we’ve been forging this friendship, we’ve hashed a lot of stuff out and are getting to know one another again in a new way. It has definitely had its rough spots. How often do we talk? Should we limit the frequency to which we hang out, text or email? How far in advance is practical for us to make plans without it seeming presumptuous? What if one of us starts dating someone else? Uh. . . let’s deal with that one later.
I know we’re both trying to be different. We’re trying to be stronger and kinder and more open- in general and with each other. Rebuilding trust is a very delicate thing. But both parties have to be willing to lay their egos on the table and say: Let’s do this together. There have been times where we have fought- tears streaming and words flailing in a cacophony of emotion- to come to a spent place where there is nothing left to do but breathe. And wait. And see what happens next.
“It’s okay to not wanna go/It’s okay if you’ve got to/It’s okay to be missing me/It’s okay not to/There are things that we can never give/There are things that we never can’t/As much to myself as to you/As much a list of questions as/A list of what to do/If no one believes it, it’s true/As much to myself as to you/To you” -As Much As Myself As To You, onelinedrawing
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Whew! I don’t know why, because it’s not my situation, but that feels very heavy to me. I wish you the best, as always. You both deserve happiness, and hopefully making this effort will get you closer on your own journeys as well as in your friendship.
Comment by justrun— August 27, 2009 #
I hope everything works out for you as it should. Good luck!
Comment by ammanners— August 27, 2009 #
Good Luck! It takes a good soul to be able to move forward with an ex into friendship. Hope it works out.
Comment by beth— August 27, 2009 #
Good for you both! I wish nothing but the best at this new direction for you guys and for this new friendship you have ;)
Comment by Michael C— August 27, 2009 #
…you are saying sorry for rambling on to friends? …Siz, if you are apologizing, i need to do some major ass kissing …i am a bit envious of you being able to find the strength to move on to a friendship …i hope it continues to go well
Comment by zainmoribundi— August 27, 2009 #
This sounds like great progress. I am very impressed.
Comment by Jess— August 27, 2009 #
I love that you are at a place where you can even attempt this. I am impressed with both of you and hope it works out well for both of you!
Comment by radioactive tori— August 27, 2009 #
i wish all the very best for you, truly.
Comment by brookem— August 27, 2009 #
Wow–this is really, really fantastic, Sizz! And sorta sweet, too, like a cupcake. Makes me happy. :) I actually hadn’t caught the whole Twitter bit between you + the Fella (how did I miss that?).
I’m a bit envious, I admit. I so wish I was there with my ex. I just don’t think it can happen, for either of us, even a year later. Especially since I pretty well still hate him.
Well done! :)
Comment by Sarah— August 27, 2009 #
Being friends with an ex can be tough. Being civil with one another is a good starting point. :) I am glad you are feeling good about it all!
Comment by wafelenbak— August 27, 2009 #
Wow! You are handling this far better than I would. I hope you guys can make this friendship work :)
Comment by Angella— August 27, 2009 #
I am actually friendly with my exes except 1. I am not friends with him because he can’t be friends with a woman, which is probably why he can’t keep a girlfriend in the first place. I don’t say that to be bitter, he really has no clue how to behave with women. He has all sisters, too. Weird. Anyway, I don’t know anything about you and the fella or your relationship but you can be friends if you choose to be.
Comment by Karla— August 27, 2009 #
Conversations heal. I am glad you are clearing the air.
Comment by Aimee— August 27, 2009 #
I totally believe it’s possible. Being friends with an ex, that is. Good luck!
Comment by san— August 27, 2009 #
I admire you for putting the energy into it. Admittedly, I don’t bother with an ex. By the time we’re done, I’m sucked dry. Over dealing with them. Forever! Wish I could be more generous like you, but I accept what I’m capable of, which is not being friends with them. May the Force be with you!!
Comment by Tracy— August 27, 2009 #
You know what? Both you and the fella will be able to move on and move past everything completely. It can be done and it does happen. And if the both of you work at it, you can be friends. Just take everything (I mean all things in life) one day at a time.
Comment by Marie— August 27, 2009 #
This post made me tear up, Sizz. Because I think all couples who are true to themselves and to each other have been through this before. Have gotten to that point where you have to lay it all out on the table. And really TRUST the other person. In general, I’m a very trusting soul of the people I bring into my life (the whole innocent until proven guilty thing). And yet, when Sweets and I reached that moment, it was incredibly overwhelming. Very emotional. Lots of tears. And that’s with someone who is worthy of being trusted. Who hasn’t done anything to breach that trust. So, even though you and The Fella are going through this stage postmortem, I know it’s got to be hard. And there will be steps back as you move forward. But, it also shows such a sign of maturity to do this … when the much easier thing to do is walk away.
Comment by SoMi's Nilsa— August 27, 2009 #
I’ve always struggled with the friendship thing because (in most cases…not all) it seems weirder to cut the person out of your life than to try to be friends. When you’ve cared about someone so much, it just seems odd to not want to at least know how they’re doing and what they’re up to.
I hope you and Fella navigate this without too much more pain. Maybe going through this together will also help each of you as you work on your personal stuff.
Good luck!
Comment by Mel Heth— August 27, 2009 #
I am NOT on twitter, so thanks for the update. It means a lot that you two are trying to be friends. Not many people can do that!
Comment by kilax— August 27, 2009 #
This post, and the ones immediately previous to it, make me all ‘jump off a roof’ giddy with anticipation. You are SO on the cusp of….something. Dig it all up, turn it over, and plant something new; what grows nexzt will be wonderful!
Comment by TIff— August 27, 2009 #
Who knows what could come of this. You could end up together after getting to know each other all over again. Or you could end up with a great friend. If nothing else you have lots of good memories and experience under your belt. I hope whatever is happening makes you happy. :o)
Comment by Gina— August 27, 2009 #
Ah, yes, friends with an ex. I think it can work. I’m on friendly terms with most of my exes, but I wouldn’t say that I’m friends with any of them. Jealousy isn’t a big issue for me (if romantic ties are gone), but it seemed to be with them. Good luck, Siz (& Fella)!
Comment by Bryanna— August 28, 2009 #
Hmmm… would that “side note” be directed somewhat at me? ;-)
Comment by kapgar— August 28, 2009 #
i want to twitter but twitter is bigger than me
and that’s saying a lot because i am immense
Comment by Crys— August 28, 2009 #
Good luck to you. It’s hard but worthwhile if both parties feel it to be so. Becoming friends with my ‘big’ ex finally brought me closure. Not saying that this situation is the same, but it can be worth the effort…
Comment by suze— August 28, 2009 #
Being friends is good.
Comment by hotpinksox— August 28, 2009 #
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being friends with an Ex — I’m still friends with a few, though once your’e with someone else, you just have to balance it and make it not weird. If you and The Fella can be friends, I think it’s great b/c one can never have too many friends. And the nice thing is that b/c he knows you at such an intimate level (emotionally), you can now talk about things that you can’t talk about with your regular friends (if you’re like me and there are things that only significant others know about).
Comment by Becky— August 28, 2009 #
Wow to waking up. Wow to revelations. Wow to growth.
Remember that corny saying from the ’70s . . . keep on trucking? (Of course you don’t; you’re too young).
Keep on trucking, siz.
Comment by Mayberry Magpie— August 28, 2009 #
Wow, you are a far braver soul than I am. I’m a once bitten twice shy kind of girl…
The relationship with exes, I find are very hard to navigate. For me, steering clear has been the best policy.
Comment by Nat— August 29, 2009 #
my two cents? my husband and i were re-friended for years before we recommitted to each other. many years of tears and fights in between but now? better than before.
Comment by gorillabuns— September 3, 2009 #