Growing a Backbone Where My Wishbone Was

October 21, 2009 at 5:35 am | In life lessons, light bulb moments, my neurosis, processing | 40 Comments

I got this email yesterday from someone I used to care about but have long since only harbored ill will towards. The email made me furious and so I did what any hot head naturally does, I shot off some one liner response. But then the ex-Catholic in me needed to confess so I called up someone more level-headed than me.

Two guesses who that was.

Kaply listens to my bullshit with patience and utter amusement. I’m telling her what went down and she says, “Baby girl, you have every right to be mad. You have to get mad at the right people and stop holding it all in. It just eats you up inside.” (Paraphrasing.) I tried not to cry and said, “I don’t feel like I am worth it.”

And then I really started crying.

Fuck.

I have a really difficult time expressing my anger towards men. My dad was extremely passive aggressive and basically a doormat. You could yell in his face with all the rage in your soul and get only a snide remark made under his breath or total silence. Each equally infuriating. My anger never got to be heard and now as a grown up when I get mad at a guy, I feel irrational and talk myself out of saying anything because I assume they won’t want to hear it because I DO NOT MATTER ENOUGH TO BE HEARD.

I have no idea how to be appropriately angry but I tried. I sent another email expressing how I really felt, letting all the anger and sadness pour out and felt like it was the meanest email I’ve ever sent anyone. I called Kaply again to talk about what I wrote and since she is basically the Queen of Mean and one of my closest friends, I value her opinion. She didn’t think it was that mean. I still think I was mean FOR ME but there are meaner people who could send meaner emails. But you know what? I had every right to be angry and he deserved to hear about it. I don’t care if he “gets” it or even if he feels bad. I needed to say what I’d been carrying around inside of me for years. Because I matter. My feelings matter. And I don’t have to swallow my feelings for the sake of someone who stomped all over mine.

It felt pretty liberating.

So to the person who felt my wrath who is probably still reading my blog even though I specifically asked him not to anymore- that new me you so cunningly referred to in your email? Yeah, you just met her.

40 Comments »

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Bravo babe! Now add a few more stars by your name on that proverbial I Earned My Self-Esteem poster.

Comment by Piper of Love — October 21, 2009 #
Well, good for you..none too soon, in my opinion! Now just don’t forget to hold on to this new you :)

Comment by Tim — October 21, 2009 #
Go, you. Don’t hide that shit away. From anyone.

Comment by Mighty Hunter — October 21, 2009 #
Well done! It gets easier the more you practice it (she says ever-so-hopefully) and come to find out the world won’t end if you put your feelings out there rather than stuffing them further in.

Comment by inkpuddle — October 21, 2009 #
I love watching you shed your layers to reveal this wonderfully deserving person beneath. BTW, I totally agree with you that it is incredibly frustrating to deal with people who do not acknowledge your anger … however, I’d argue that some of them do hear you. And even if you don’t get immediate gratification for letting it all out, you probably affect more people than you know.

Comment by SoMi's Nilsa — October 21, 2009 #
love this. so so much. The title makes me swoon too.

Comment by amy — October 21, 2009 #
Way to go, girl! You HAVE to let that anger out. You posted something once before, saying something like (paraphrasing) “you work so hard to make sure other peoples’ feelings don’t get hurt, well, what about YOUR feelings?”

That sentence you said stuck with me, and has actually helped me in my own search for my backbone. Bravo to you! I’m rooting for ya!

Comment by Thaydra — October 21, 2009 #
Good for you Sizz. I think it’s good to speak up, to voice your opinion – especially if other people have always felt entitled to voice theirs. You deserve to be heard and not every email has to be pleasant!
Bravo!

Comment by san — October 21, 2009 #
The last two lines of this post are my favorite. Here’s to a you that doesn’t take “no shit from anybody!” (Um, yeah, I just quoted Tommy Boy. I couldn’t help myself.) Also: you are amazing and I love you.

Comment by Kerri Anne — October 21, 2009 #
I think I’m gonna have to have a t shirt made that says Queen Of Mean. And maybe a tiara.

Comment by Tracy Lynn — October 21, 2009 #
Hell. Fucking. Yeah.

Comment by punchlinewalking — October 21, 2009 #
ALso, the important part? The part where you said you didn’t care if he gets it, you said what you needed to say. Well done you.

Comment by Tracy Lynn — October 21, 2009 #
i’ve been waiting for this. you are arriving.

xo

Comment by jenny 2 times — October 21, 2009 #
high five.

Comment by jen — October 21, 2009 #
Sizz Puts It Out There: 2009-

Comment by sandra — October 21, 2009 #
I LOVE the title of this post. I think “I matter” should be your new mantra.

Comment by Mel Heth — October 21, 2009 #
You DO matter. You ARE important. You are WORTH it.

Comment by Sara — October 21, 2009 #
I wouldn’t recommend using Tracy’s judgment as the standard for what is and is not appropriate behavior. I’m just sayin’…

Comment by Matt — October 21, 2009 #
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by abbersnail — October 21, 2009 #
way to go, lady!!

Comment by hillary — October 21, 2009 #
yay!!!! you are so worth hearing those great things from Kaply

Comment by Cher — October 21, 2009 #
Good Job. And remember, if somebody comes at you, standing up for yourself is not mean. It is normal (even if it might not feel normal for you)! And good! And empowering!

Now, if you had mowed down a little old lady with your grocery cart because she smelled funny, THAT would be mean. :)

Comment by Erin — October 21, 2009 #
Like you, I suck at being even somewhat not nice, mean is not even possible! I am very happy to see you pulled it out of you! I know how hard it is, so it’s a big deal! And face it, he said nasty shit to you knowing you’ll take it, he’ll hurt you, yet didn’t think you’d shoot back. Well, SCREW HIM! I’ll toast your toughness tonight.

Comment by Tracy — October 21, 2009 #
The “I don’t matter” thing is a tough one to grow out of. I struggle with that. Good for you!

And again, I need Kaply part-time, please.

Comment by Long Story Longer — October 21, 2009 #
Girl, you have hundreds of readers who care what you have to say. You matter!

I agree: You need a tiara. With diamonds.

I got an e-mail from an ex two days ago about some old-ass issue; he was trying to cause drama. My one-liner response: “Let’s nuke this issue, shall we?”

I think he got the message. :P

Comment by Sarah — October 21, 2009 #
Angry emails are what the internet was invented for. Keep firing ‘em off.

Comment by Cheryl — October 21, 2009 #
You, my dear, ROCK! Embrace this, you’ll learn to love it. You ARE worth it!

Comment by Penelope — October 21, 2009 #
Go, YOU. Proud of you.

Comment by Angella — October 21, 2009 #
Snap. And also SUCK IT.

Comment by Meghan — October 21, 2009 #
Oh, *sigh*. Think I’ll just link to this post again.
Kidding!
But I can relate to this a LOT. The background is different, and sadly it crosses both genders in my case, but once again I am feeling this post!

Comment by wafelenbak — October 21, 2009 #
I’m happy you felt better for doing it in the long run. I called a friend out for being sexist yesterday and felt bad about it… for a second. Even my husband thought the guy was being sexist!

Comment by kilax — October 21, 2009 #
This was perfect. (IT was perfect).

You are my hero, chicka.

Bravo!

Comment by Loralee — October 21, 2009 #
this is awesome. even the TITLE of this is awesome. way to go, girl :-)

Comment by Alice — October 21, 2009 #
WHY do men do that?!?! It’s like they wait until you’re feeling your best — or sometimes it’s like they know when you’re feeling your worst, a kind of kick you when you’re down thing — and then shoot off some email, voicemail, text message that just destroys you when you’ve not even heard from them for weeks or months.

Someone should invent a Crap Mail filter that operates like a Junk Mail filter only for ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, ex-coworkers that immediately deletes any and all negative messages from any of the above mentioned persons.

Good for you! At least you fought back! I just delete the email while telling myself “you’re not letting him drag you down to his level”. No matter how untrue I know that is.

Comment by Meghan — October 21, 2009 #
I struggle a lot with the amount of anger I hold inside, too.

Thank you for writing this.

Comment by Iron Fist — October 21, 2009 #
What you did took a lot of guts. I know how hard it is to be direct. Usually? I end up apologising, not wanting to offend…and then I think that undoes any of the good progress that might have been afforded. Maybe it your being direct, and blunt, and even a little mean? He will get the point.

Some of us need a sort of affirmative coaching, and I’m glad your friend is able to be that sane, listening ear for you. :-)

Comment by Bully — October 22, 2009 #
Don’t hold stuff in. Let it out. Because if you don’t, it will eat away at you and that my dear, is the worst of all.

Comment by Marie — October 22, 2009 #
Good for you! Yay Sizzle!

Comment by Jess — October 22, 2009 #
You are pretty awesome. And inspiring!

Comment by radioactive tori — October 23, 2009 #
I love the title of this post.
You are SO worth it. You are a wonderful woman. I can understand where you’re coming from, though…
Love ya, hun.

Comment by sue — October 23, 2009 #