Holding the Pose

I feel like I am a time waster lately. For a girl who prides herself on making and tackling her to do list(s), I have felt very scattered and out of focus. (And no, it’s not just because romance has entered my life.) I feel like I am on a treadmill. The thing about treadmills though is that you go and go and go and never actually GO anywhere.

I would like to find more time. And my motivation.

I can’t seem to get up and work out anymore. I just want to sleep. I can’t seem to make it to water aerobics. I have had meetings on class days or social invitations that sound better than putting on a suit. I can’t seem to find time to sit down and read my book. A book! How hard is that?! I can’t seem to cook a meal¬† that is anything to boast about in weeks. Throwing beans into a whole wheat tortilla with some cheese does not a gourmet meal make.

I’ll admit that work is getting me down. I won’t go into it but I feel a bit beaten by it and I’m questioning the future trajectory of my “career”. I’ve also felt really burnt out on the two job situation.¬† I am required to work too many hours in a day if I did everything that is expected of me and I just don’t want to. I get very little enjoyment or satisfaction from it. I don’t want to spend the precious hours in my day at a computer or parking my butt in an office chair just to prove I was working. I don’t want to work 40 hours at one job then 10-15 more at another. But I want to keep saving money to buy a house and paying down my debt so I can carry out my financial goals so I endure it.

Eyes on the prize.

But I wish that I could give what mattered most to me the time and attention it deserves. Like my health and my family and my friends and my creative outlets. All those things take a backseat to pushy obligations whose root origins are money and security.

Last night in yoga I struggled with a particular pose. It required me to have one leg bent back with the heel of my foot towards my back and my opposite arm outstretched with the other arm stretched to the floor, fingertips touching the mat. The teacher kept instructing us in her soothing yogi voice to visualize the leg lifting first then slowly lifting it- that would help us not teeter, that it would make us stronger in the pose. I tried three times and almost fell over. I was incredibly frustrated with myself and immediately the self-flagellation talk began. I hushed my inner critic and moved on to the next pose. But I was not 100% there. Part of me had checked out and I feel like I do that outside of class too. I check out and self-sabotage and let failure talk chatter on in my head especially when I am not successful on the first try. It is not productive but it is familiar.

I am way too much in my head right now. I’m glad I have therapy tonight. I just want to find out how to come from my center which, judging from my yoga class, means I’m going to have to falter a lot and keep practicing. And quiet my mind. And let go.

That was my theme for this year wasn’t it? I suppose I needed that reminder.

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23 thoughts on “Holding the Pose

  1. Balance takes time to find, but it sounds like you are on the right track to getting there. Eyes on the prize is right… you’ll get there. I’m SURE of it.

  2. Agreed. You have to keep practicing to keep up on the balance. Hell, I still lose balance all the time after six years, although I laugh at myself (literally) to keep it real. And I’m so feeling you with the work sitch. Push through, eventually something will change in your favor.

  3. Practice makes, if not perfect, than easier to handle. The thing to remember is that it’s a process. The idea is progress not perfection.

    And I am wholly unwilling to place financial security above living a whole life. Even if I could, which I can’t, but still.

  4. It sounds to me like you need sleep, and some time to yourself that isn’t spent thinking about all the things you could be doing. It’s OK to take a break from a lot of that stuff, step back, indulge in yourself for awhile, and then, when you feel refreshed, start some of that stuff up again.

  5. My first thought was, you need to give up that second job. As much as I liked the extra cash flow my second job afforded me/us, it began to get me down. When I finally quit, a weight was lifted. And I haven’t been happier since, despite making less money.

    That said, you have a specific and worthy goal in mind. And I think you’re right in choosing to stay put for a while. So, why not make the most of the hours you do have to be available in your building. Why not rent some workout videos from the library? Why not give yourself an hour to read? That way, even if there are few interruptions along the way, at least you’ve done double duty to some extent!

  6. “And quiet my mind”

    This is something I struggle with too (as you know :>)

    When I go there, I remind myself to circle back. Over. And Over. And over.

    It takes practice… but the rewards are worth it.

    xo

  7. I have one yoga teacher that always says “whatever you’re doing right now is perfect, whatever you’re feeling right now is perfect.” Sometimes, I’ll just say it, I don’t believe her. But when I stop and think about it, and when I apply it to other areas of life, I feel like I’m starting to get it. Yoga, or work, or money, is not a contest. It all has to fit into the context of who we are, and what we’re able to endure at that moment. Right now the things you’re feeling are perfect. They may not feel right, but nonetheless they’re what you should be going through. I think it’s great you realize that, and I encourage you to go with it.

  8. Now listen up, Toots!

    You are human. You can not do it all. Something has to give. Life is too short to not be doing what you enjoy. So what if you couldn’t focus well in yoga. Call it a bad day and move on. Life happens. It’s how YOU respond to life that is important.

    You got me? Good.

    Hugs.
    ;)

  9. I have a really hard time getting caught up with work (hence the putting yourself first post) then letting that stress dictate my evening and allow me to just veg and get nothing done. I don’t know how to fight it. I don’t know how to make more hours in the day. But I hope you can find something enjoyable about each day, and maybe even find something at work that you can be proud of :)

  10. I think that visualization thing works. Kinda makes me want to say “be the ball” like I’m pitching or something…

    If you figure out how the heck to balance it all and make creativity and family and all the good stuff top priority, please write a post about it revealing your secret! I need it.

  11. One thing I really like about yoga is how they call it a practice. It’s always a practice.

    I know your day job is really tough. That can affect so much. I’m sorry – you have a tough situation on your hands, girlie. I think it’s ok to not do everything perfectly. Sometimes that is how I let go.

    xo

  12. I have been feeling similar lately. Treadmill comparison is very accurate! I started knitting a sock (so small!) a few weeks ago and it seems to be taking forever. Not to mention half of my house is still in boxes. Oi, I wish there were a way to add more time to my day.

  13. Sometimes I feel like I have so much to do that I can’t seem to focus on any one thing and just waste so much time trying to figure out what should come first and what can be neglected. I think I need to take your advice about quieting my mind. Good luck! I know how hard that is for both of us!

  14. You know, I honestly think the season has a lot to do with lack of focus and lack of motivation. It just drains me, which makes every little task seem monumental. Not to invalidate your other feelings, because I think you are on to a lot, but I do wonder if you’ll feel a little different come April. :)

  15. I don’t go to therapy but have wondered if I should from time to time. Not because I feel a particular issue but that sometimes I need an unbiased third party opinion.

    When i started going to yoga, what I really learned was that it takes time to master “the center.” And it’s OK to not always get there. I find that the more I let myself go, and move on to another pose, or whatever, the better I am the next time. I know exactly the move you are speaking of. Another big one for me was the dancer’s pose. Tonight was the first night I’ve been feeling good enough to get back to the gym and revisit those poses. After two stumbles, I got into dancer’s pose. And I felt amazing. Inner voice quiet. But I have been doing yoga for about two years now. And I feel like in the last six or so months, ti’s finally clicked. It’s my therapy. Sometimes I don’t need a friend’s ear, or a third-party, because sometimes my problem is that I can’t shut up. (I’m not suggesting that’s you, of course, I’m just sayin’, that’s been my experience.)

    I love coming to your blog because not only are you super articulate, but I feel like many times you are articulating things I say or have said or have thought about saying on my own blog. I admire your bravery.

  16. Oh gosh, so many thoughts and so much assvice that wants to tumble out of these fingers and into your comments section!

    Honestly–and I think this mostly because I follow you on twitter–I wish I could afford to give you enough dough to cover you for another few weeks of vacation from your day job. That thing sounds like it is kicking your ass sideways. :(

    Perhaps, through some of your crafty and awesomeness, you can find a way to bring in some extra money to help you cut back somewhere else? Perhaps an etsy shop? Maybe do some freelance writing? Something that will allow you to do something you love, without having to kowtow to Richy McSmarmypants and the Schmooze Posse, and still bring in an income.

    Or, you know, sit in front of a chick flick the next time you have the free hours to do it and just let your mind wander. That always helps me! [/assvice]

    Dammit, I’ve written a whole blog post in your comments! Sorry about that!

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