I Am
June 30, 2010 at 6:19 am | Posted in light bulb moments, processing | 36 CommentsLast night somewhere after 10pm something shifted. Inside myself, a switch was flipped and a light came on. And I remembered one of my favorite quotes:
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
I had spent the previous 24 hours feeling torn up about a situation that was not my fault even though the other party was doing their best to bully and guilt me into believing so. I had talked it over with trusted confidantes, my therapist, my bosses. I had listened to everyone else. . . but not to myself. And the moment I took action based on my own gut instincts, I felt better. It didn’t change the reality that I was in the middle of a shitty situation but what it did do is change how I perceived myself within that situation.
You get that? I changed my perception of myself.
I no longer felt afraid or like a victim. I shone my light on every single thing I was afraid could happen and was shocked to not feel paralyzed by my fear. Instead I remembered who I am. And I stood taller knowing that I have the power to define how I feel about myself. No one else.
And that, my friends, is no small feat.
Costly Kindness
June 29, 2010 at 6:24 am | Posted in the super, vent | 27 CommentsThe people pleaser in me is stressed out to the max.
Without going into too much detail, let’s just say a situation that I thought was over is NOT over and has come back with a vengeance and some strongly worded scapegoating. Not fun! It’s times like these where I wonder if being nice is worth it. So now I am trying to calm down after being verbally attacked via email and figure out a proper response that doesn’t come from a place of defensiveness.
How the hell do you respond to an attack without being defensive?
I told Mr. Darcy last night that I need us to figure out a plan for when the apartment management gig will no longer be necessary. I need a light at the end of the tunnel. I need to not have the stress of people taking advantage of my good nature. I need to not live where I work.
Send me some good vibes if you will. I need some clarity.
60% More Heart
June 28, 2010 at 6:32 am | Posted in love, sentimentality, why I love him | 29 Comments
I woke up remembering someone in my dream telling me, “Even on his worst day, he has 60% more heart than most men.” That couldn’t be more true. Unless, it was 75%. Because of the many things I adore about Mr. Darcy, I have to rank his big heart at the top.
Here’s a smattering:
his big, easy laugh, the way his eyes squint up when he smiles, how sweet he is to Dot & Dash calling them nicknames and letting them knead his belly as we sit on the couch, his willingness to push through hard stuff, his unflinching generosity, the way he looks at me like I am the only girl in the room, his steadiness, his sharp wit, his whip smart intelligence, his enjoyment of my family, his closeness to his family, his playfulness, his ability to sleep and sleep some more, his depth, his incredible artistic talent, how he shows up for me repeatedly, how I never have to ask him to do stuff like help around the apartment because he just does it, his protective vigilance of my heart.
In a nutshell, he’s excels at loving me. I hope he feels I do the same for him.
I could imagine my life without him. But the thing is, I don’t want to.
Honoring
June 25, 2010 at 6:41 am | Posted in birthday, letters, light bulb moments, love, memory lane | 10 Comments
Carving his place in the world. (Picture courtesy of Weiss Eubanks Photography)
Dear Tomato,
When you asked for gratitude letters* I had, quite literally, just stepped out of a therapy session wherein I realized something quite profound about you. Right timing, indeed.
What I realized is this: Besides my father, you are the most significant man in my life.
When I think about all the big moments since meeting you at 17, you are there. You’ve seen me through: My high school graduation. Prom. Countless birthdays. Losing our virginity together. Moving away from home. Finding love. Losing love. Lather, rinse, repeat. Mini-breakdowns. College graduation. My sister’s wedding. My mom moving out of my childhood home. My grandmother’s passing. Moving out of state.
I remember you reading me “Freddy the Leaf” while we waited for the call about my Dad. I hold that memory dear to me- your kindness and friendship through my grief was a testament to your heart. There were three people in the room when I got the news my Dad had died and yours were the arms I fell into.
You are always catching me.
Thank you for that and for being in my life through all the highs and lows, the belly laughs and tears. For truly seeing me even when I could not. For always being my lighthouse, my mirror, and my best friend.
Go with happiness,
Sizzle
****
*I am sharing this letter I wrote to Tomato with all of you in honor of his birthday (which is on Sunday!). Tomato does a really fantastic weekly show called The Baub Show. It focuses on what’s right in the world rather than what’s wrong. He rotates guests and co-hosts (sometimes I’m one of them!) and lately has been sharing letters of gratitude on the air. This letter was one I sent in even though he was definitely not requesting letters written to him. I couldn’t help it though. I had something to say. It’s hard for me to keep my trap shut.
Do yourself a favor and if you’re not already a listener, check it out on Mondays at 7pm PST or download previous podcasts. You won’t be sorry!
Hey Tomato- Here’s hoping this year is your best one yet. I’m so damn proud of you for so many reasons and love you to the moon and back. Happy birthday!
Why I Love Him #66, 67 & 68
June 23, 2010 at 5:57 am | Posted in conversations, funny bone, love, why I love him | 27 CommentsWe’re at the ballgame watching the Mariner’s against the Cincinnati Reds in celebration of Double B’s birthday and Father’s Day. Mr. Darcy grabs himself a soda and some beloved pistachios. We’re sitting there, in the cold gray amongst kids shoving hot dogs and cotton candy and assorted horrible-for-you foods into their gullets, munching on nuts and pretending to know what’s going on down on the field.
After a while I notice out of the corner of my eye that Mr. Darcy hasn’t dropped any shells so I inquire, “Hey, where are your shells?” He replied in a matter of fact manner, “They are in my pocket.” So I said, “Why aren’t you dropping them on the ground?” as I pointed to the cement beneath our feet now littered with my pistachio shells. He responded incredulously, “Are you a savage?”
Why yes. Yes I think I am.
****
We’re sitting on the couch after dinner and I randomly announce, “I think my belly button smells” as I stick my finger in it and sniff it.
He responds, “Let me smell it” and grabs my hand pulling it to his nose.
After a whiff he says with a shrug, “It doesn’t smell bad.”
****
We’re lying in bed, attempting to fall asleep when Mr. Darcy lets one rip.
Charmed I say, “Did you just shart?”
Laughing he says, “I have never heard that before. What’s a shart?”
“It’s when you fart and shit your pants a little. I am surprised you don’t know this given how much you fart.”
“I did not shart, thankyouverymuch.”
“It kinda sounded like it. Better check the sheets just in cases.”
My Fartner in Crime
Edible
June 22, 2010 at 6:16 am | Posted in drivel | 16 CommentsThings I shouldn’t buy because inevitably they will spoil before ever eaten:
- yogurt
- eggplant
- cottage cheese
- cucumber
- tomatoes
Things I shouldn’t buy because inevitably I will devour all of it and I shouldn’t:
- chocolate
- bread
- beer
Things I always need to have on hand:
- eggs
- milk
- tea
- peanut butter
- black beans
- sharp cheddar cheese
- spelt or brown rice tortillas
- almonds
- pistachios (Mr. Darcy is a fiend for them)
- iced tea (again, Mr. Darcy’s drink of choice)
Things that make me feel not-so-good when I ingest them:
- sugar
- white flour
- super spice
- coffee
What Was
June 20, 2010 at 8:42 am | Posted in memory lane, processing, sentimentality | 14 CommentsI wish I could remember more good stuff. The truth is, I’d have to push back years of painful memories to get to when my Dad was. . . well, my Dad. Back when I was small and he loomed large and heroic. Back when he would read “The Jungle Book” with different character voices. Back when we would wash the cars together or when our family would take picnics to the beach or when we’d go to Disneyland. Back when there were Sunday breakfasts out on the patio and then days spent in the pool. Back when we were a family and things felt safe and good.
I woke up in the sadness of missing him. What is it now? Seventeen years of him being gone. But I can still recall the brown of his hands, his surprisingly deep voice for a man so slight of stature, his big ears and his laugh. So today I choose to remember him, strong and loving, leading me around the kitchen perched precariously on the tops of his feet as we danced.
I miss you Dad. Every day.
Dapper Young Dad (Do you see a resemblance?I think I got his forehead and smile.)
Deeper Into the Fold
June 17, 2010 at 7:15 am | Posted in adventures, fun & frolicking, travel | 25 CommentsI alluded last week that Mr. Darcy and I had traveled by plane somewhere West.
A couple weeks ago we managed to cross off another item on my 37 in 37 list.
31. Go to California with Mr. Darcy
Please note that Mr. Darcy had NEVER been to California. And for those who are new here, that’s where I was born & raised. I often say the thing I miss the most, besides my friends there, is the ocean. I wanted him to see what I was talking about. I also wanted to show him around one of my favorite cities (San Francisco), introduce him to some of my closest friends and show him where I grew up.
RaeRae & RunRun* were gracious enough to let us crash at their place for the entirety of our trip. I just love them to pieces (and their adorable cats, even Gadget who has emotional problems and sprays all the time). Within hours of our landing, RaeRae was whispering conspiratorially to me in the kitchen, “Sizz, I LIKE HIM. He’s so good!”
Yeah. I know.
We spent one whole day frolicking around the city. We managed to navigate BART, ride a cable car, meet Abby for lunch at the Ferry Building, stroll along Fisherman’s Wharf, and meet Bird & Ama for dinner at Burma Superstar (if you are in SF and haven’t been there, go now!). It really was bliss.
Pirating
Sorry Mr. Darcy, I fell in love with a pirate while in San Francisco.
Bird proceeded, in true Bird fashion, to intensely question Mr. Darcy. At one point I came upon her asking him, “When is the exact moment you knew you loved The Jonesy?” (That’s what she calls me.) I felt for him, I really did. And I tried my best to warn him about her. I figured if he had survived my other friends who had given him the third degree (cough-Jenny Two Times-cough-Long Story Longer), he could weather Bird’s interrogation. I honestly couldn’t answer that question if it was asked of me. There wasn’t a moment that I fell in love with him. I just am. I just continue to.
Wharfing It
We even made it up to my childhood house where I got to point out my bedroom, the birch trees I so miss, and share tales of the neighborhood and my childhood as we drove around. It was a very brief stint through town in which we managed to see James Dean & Natalie Wood** at their new house with their new puppy which we almost put in my purse because she is the cutest. However brief, it was good to see them. It always is.
Sandy Feet
RaeRae grew up in Half Moon Bay and since I didn’t feel Mr. Darcy had been properly introduced to the California beaches yet, we spent time driving around, brunching, and getting our feet wet in the ocean there. The weather was picture perfect the entire visit. I really could not have asked for a better getaway. I’m so glad that more of my closest friends got to meet and spend time with Mr. Darcy. I knew they’d love him but it is nice to have them give us the two thumbs up. It’s heart-warming to see him interact with the people who are my extended family, my inner circle of trust, my best of friends. That they welcome him into the fold, that he gets along so well with them…it’s just…what I’ve always wanted.
Old Man & The Sea
* & ** check out the Characters page for back stories.
P.S. This leaves Dumpling, Jersey Girl and Tomato who still need to meet him but that will be remedied by the end of summer. Mark my words.
Head Strong
June 16, 2010 at 6:47 am | Posted in body image, my neurosis, processing | 30 CommentsI’ve been thinking about where I put my energy. Here’s what I’ve come up with:
1) Over-thinking, calculating & attempting to control the Universe
2) Work and then more work
3) Chores and obligations
4) Worrying and recounting my failures
5) Relationships
6) Myself
Um. Something is very wrong with this list.
Not only am I LAST on the list, I am giving precious energy to negativity in the form of controlling, worrying and focusing on failure.
This? Simply will not do any longer.
I’ve been trying to give myself permission to change. Which, I’m realizing, requires diving right into a big ol’ pool of Fear with a capital F. I’m so afraid of not succeeding, of not being liked, of letting go of my coping mechanisms that I am saying this is good enough. This feeling as though I am only living my life at 60% is good enough? Really?!
Dear Self,
I beg to differ.
Love,
Me
P.S. You are full of crap.
I told my therapist that I want to change things about my life. She told me I have to stop living in my head and get to the business of being. She told me I can’t move forward until I bring awareness to my entire body. Because when I lay down on the couch in her office she always starts off the session with asking me to assess my body- how does it feel, what do I notice, where is my focus. Well my focus is always in my head because I have disassociated my brain from my body. There is nothing below my shoulders I am particularly fond of and since my body has been this “other” thing that I have dumped all my self-loathing on for years and years, I don’t see it as “mine”. It’s just this thing that embarrasses me. Like a loud-mouthed, obnoxious, garish, rude in law that ruins every party and who invariably sits next to you at the family picnic every year. That’s my body to me. Annoying. Disappointing. Irritating. OTHER.
I know I talk about this endlessly and it’s likely boorish but I’m stuck and want to be unstuck. I don’t know what to do to be in my body. My therapist has me meditating daily. At first she said, do it for twenty minutes. And I balked. I automatically thought I CAN’T DO IT. Then she said- do it for fifteen. I countered with ten. She laughed at me negotiating meditation time. We compromised on 12 minutes for this week.
Can anyone relate? I’m not looking for diet advice. I’m looking for stories where you had an internal switch flipped or an epiphany or maybe it was as simple as choosing a new path and forging ahead. Have you changed something big about yourself and have you sustained that change?
I realize it’s a lot to ask but I need some reinforcements up in here, please.
That’s Just Beachy
June 15, 2010 at 6:53 am | Posted in adventures, everyday frustrations, fun & frolicking | 16 CommentsAfter a day of driving and rafting, Mr. Darcy and I were only equipped for mellow plans that involved a lot of lounging and sun-worshiping. So we assessed a list of local beachy spots we had yet to check out and picked Golden Gardens as our destination.
(How I have lived here almost four years and not been to this place is beyond me. It’s the closest thing I’ve found to a beach yet. I should have listened to all those people who suggested it. Ahem.)
When we arrived we lucked out on parking as rows of cars idled, waiting for a parking space to open and we just so happened to be right where a car was pulling out of a prime parking spot. Thank you parking gods! We made our way to the sand and were both amazed that there is an actual beach so close. We giddily set up our blanket, removed our shoes, dug our toes in the sand and spread out our picnic delights.
Nothing but blue skies do I see...
The beach was full of people but not so full that it felt crowded. We were enjoying the sounds of beach-goers frolicking about relishing in the beautiful day. After weeks on end of gray skies and rain, this sunshine was just what everyone so desperately needed. As we’re lounging on the blanket, sunning ourselves and chatting a family arrived and parked themselves to the right of us. At first it’s fine, the kids are clamoring for soda and Doritos and we can tolerate it. But within 30 minutes the older girl begins to whine. Not just an occasional whiney remark but INCESSANT whining in this voice that is like nails on chalkboard. “Noooooooooo mama! You’re dooooooooooooing it wrong! You are stupid!” She’s berating her mother, this bitchy little 8 year old, complaining about her towel having sand on it or that she needs another soda or that her sister is annoying her and I look at Mr. Darcy and say, “This kid is making my ovaries dry up.”
We tried to endure it but then two guys decided to toss a football right near our blanket which would be fine except the football makes this horrendous whirring noise when its thrown. It has a tail on it and as they toss the damn thing it loudly screams, “wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”. Mr. Darcy looks at me dejectedly and says, “I can’t take it.” I agree and so we piled all our stuff into the middle of our blanket and hauled ass down the beach away from the offenders.
Ah, bliss.
But no. Not ten minutes later after we’ve resettled ourselves a trio of douchebags took a load off on a large log behind us. At first I think, it’s not that bad. They are boasting of the long bike ride they apparently took to arrive at the beach. They are bros. You know the type. “Duuuuuude, blah blah blah.” I can’t even recount what they said because it was so inane. One guy was particularly douchey and was saying the same fucking thing over and over. Hey, dude, the reason you’re getting no response is because you are a boring douchey idiot. GAH! After overhearing a phone conversation between him and his wife Mr. Darcy looks over at me and asked, “Someone married that asshole?”
And so we decided that we needed to move again because they were harshing our beach mellow. We made our way off the beach to the grassy area where it was less populated and the worst thing were frisbee players but as everyone knows frisbee players are generally a laid back bunch.
Finally, a little peace and quiet in a pocket of sunshine. Just the two of us together lounging on a blanket, planning our future.
Bliss, indeed.
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