Tilling

“The difference, I’m learning, is in what we focus on. When I focus on the rake of experience and how its fingers dug into me and the many feet that have walked over me, there is no end to the life of my pain. But when I focus on the soil of my heart and how it has been turned over, there is no end to the mix of feelings that defy my want to name them. Tragedy stays alive by feeling what’s been done to us, while peace comes alive by living with the results. – Mark Nepo

I’m at that place in my journey where I am well aware of my triggers, my old story, my past pain. I understand the whys of how I am. It’s the letting it go and the making peace that I’ve been struggling to wrestle into submission. I’m hoping all this emotional baggage I’ve been dragging behind me has, in some metaphoric sense, been tilling the soil of my spirit which would bring me to an ideal place to plant. I want to take the pain of the past and bury it. Maybe from there, deep in the dirt of my life, it can sprout to something beautiful.

This is how I tend to the garden of my heart.

Loving Mr. Darcy has made me a better gardener. He is genuine and steady and true. He makes me trust myself more. He makes me less afraid of everything that is out of my control (that’s a lot of stuff) because I am slowly grasping that I am not alone in this life. I never actually was but with him here, I trust that as truth. The more I love him, the more I have to let go of old stuff to make room for the love that keeps growing. Because this love? Is big. Bigger than I ever thought possible.

I’m sorting out the rocks from the soil. I’m digging deep. Next, I’ll tell you what I am planting. Let’s hope from all this a beautiful garden grows.

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22 thoughts on “Tilling

  1. I love how “gardening” can me such a great metaphor for so many things!

    I can’t wait to see your garden in full bloom :)

  2. as ususal you and I are swirliring around similar themes and topics. I know you don’t always have time, but please listen to the show I did last week on Lost and Spirituality. I talked about our garden of abundance.

    http://www.thebaubshow.com

    it is amazing how simple and empowering letting go can be but how oddly complicated we’ve made it! X

  3. “Loving Mr. Darcy has made me a better gardener.” I love that. So sweet.

    Maybe some sort of letting-go-of-the-baggage ceremony is in order? Like lighting a little wooden boat on fire as it floats down a river or something. Sorry…read that in a book recently and loved the thought of it. :)

  4. Awww. Our girl Sizzle is flourishing into an even more beautiful gardener. Reap what you sow meaing that if you think positive, life is good.

    Is Mr. Darcy your Miracle Gro? ;)

  5. This has been one of the most wonderful posts I’ve read in a very long time and in your writing you’re also absorbing all the things you wrote. You need to bury some things to let all the love grow in that place and it’s a wonderful feeling to know you’re not alone in this life.
    I’m EXTREMELY happy for you!!!

  6. The love is big, because it is steady, and safe, and true. When you know you have someone you can trust, who is a partner and support no matter what? The Love cannot be denied, or contained. It is greater than the doubts, because the proof is all around you. I am GLAD, for you.:-)
    Love the inner-garden reference… and as always, the Nepo reference made me think. Dealing with and expressing things, it is painful. But once we have survived the expressing of things? We can be healthy and peaceful again.

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