Sizzle Says

Churned

I had trouble meditating this morning. I got myself all situated on a cushion on the floor, my legs folded, my iPhone’s Zen Timer app set for 20 minutes. I hit start, close my eyes and. . . all I could hear was Mr. Darcy’s snoring. I tried focusing on the mantra but the more I forced myself to ignore the snoring, I only heard it louder. The more I fought against it, the more angry I became.

Hmm, I don’t think anger is the desired emotion during a meditation.

I got up and closed the bedroom door. I sat back down but I still could hear it. Now I was just fixating and reason had clearly left the building. I found my iPod, uploaded Ocean Sounds, shoved the ear buds in and resituated myself. I breathed deeply. I tried to think about the ocean which always calms me. I tried visualizing me at the ocean. And you know what image came into my  mind? A beach after a storm- the debris from the churning sea tossed up and scattered across the expanse of sand- huge tree logs, trash, piles of seaweed, dead sea life, barrels, and rocks. And I thought, woah, what a metaphor for my internal state of being.

I’ve been struggling to let go. Living with Mr. Darcy, being in a committed relationship, making a life with someone, it’s all churned up a lot of buried stuff within me. I feel like if someone peered inside of me they’d see a similar view of the beach after a storm. I’m trying to clear it, to navigate it, to decide what can stay and naturally fade away with time and what needs heavy equipment to haul off. I feel overwhelmed a lot, like I am not fixing myself fast enough, that I am not patient enough with the process (I am not), that I am too rigid and all this processing, therapy, self-evaluation is an exercise in futility. I know it is NOT that but sometimes the fear of failure, of not being enough, of being bad/wrong whispers that untruth to me. And in my weakness, I listen.

I am constantly faced with the fact that I have serious control issues. On a daily basis I witness myself doing things that scream CONTROL FREAK. Poor Mr. Darcy is forced to deal with me and my controlling ways. It’s harder than we both ever thought this whole being a healthy couple business. I hate hate hate my controlling nature but I know why I am like this. After years of therapy and self-examination, I can see that growing up in a house that had so much instability- the fighting, the deafening silence, my father’s drunkenness, rehab, relapse, the deception, the sorrow, the anger, a dad living with us then not living with us, a dad alive then dead, the 3 of us (my mom, sister and I) trying to make sense of it all in the aftermath. Very little was within my control in that environment and I grew up desperate for a sense of emotional safety. It is what drives me still to this day and what I allow to distance me from other people. I crave it and fear it simultaneously. So much of my identity is wrapped up in this twistedness and attempting to dismantle it scares me. It’s a part of my foundation and if I don’t put something else in its place I feel like it will all collapse. That I will collapse.

But being rigid, inflexible, stubborn and controlling aren’t working for me. They are no longer keeping me safe. Maybe they never did, only kept me isolated and in my own fears. I started the year out with the intention of focusing on letting go and obviously the Universe listened because I am being bombarded with opportunities to practice it.