Multiplicity of Patches
November 30, 2010 at 7:56 am | Posted in my neurosis | 37 CommentsWe went East for Thanksgiving. This trip was different than our last though we traveled to and from the same places. It seems unfair to compare the two because were different people in July. We were shining and new and gleaming for everyone to admire. We were full of possibility and dreams. We talked of forever and marriage. Our excitement was palpable.
Then we moved in together.
It seems cohabitation has worn us down. We’re disconnected more than connected. We struggle to communicate despite many long and painfully honest talks. We hear from friends that the first year is hard yet no one really warned us before we made this leap. I suppose we would not have listened as we were full of love song- “la la la loooooove is all you need.” Do I regret the decision to join my life with Mr. Darcy? No. Do I feel at a loss as to how to make us better? Yes.
This is a difficult ordinariness.
Who I am and who Mr. Darcy is for the most part is a good balance. The things each of us are not we can find in the other. But for me, sometimes those very things frustrate me. I realize that I am not easy to live with. I own that and apologize for that and then at a certain point I have to stop apologizing because all feel about myself is that I am wrong and worthless. And I am not worthless or wrong. I’m just really hard on myself and that spills over into my close relationships. Living alone allowed me to not have to test out the changes I’ve been making and yet still claim I’d made them. Uh, yeah, it doesn’t actually count unless you are DOING IT.
That means I’m practicing all over Mr. Darcy.
I try every day to ease up. To soften. To let go a little bit more. I’ve told you it’s scary for me because my coping mechanisms have kept me safe and all of this requires me to essentially trust fall into the arms of Mr. Darcy. Being in a relationship is kind of like learning to do a handstand and I’m still at the point where all I can do is kick up half-way. I cannot yet get to a full unassisted handstand – in metaphor or in reality.
The bottom line for me is that I want to be in a relationship where both people feel like their best selves. Where we feel supported and thriving and inspired. Where the other person is their pillar, their safe harbor, their cheerleader, their mirror, their human hammock, their happy. As much as fighting, disagreeing, miscommunicating is trying and taxing and frustrating, I want those moments to help us build a stronger foundation. I want it to be productive and impact the overall good of us. I don’t want to lose sight of why I made the leap – because he is a good man who is smart, honest, kind, generous, loving, funny, silly, affectionate, supportive, full of integrity and a strong character with a dimpled smile that lights my heart. Because he is my person.
“Young lovers seek perfection. Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together and of seeing beauty in a multiplicity of patches.” – from the movie, How to Make an American Quilt
Thanksgiving
November 24, 2010 at 6:00 am | Posted in my neurosis | 14 CommentsI am so grateful. . .
- For the cats that wake me up at 5:00am, perch atop me, claw the rug and purr like machines
- For my work, that it is meaningful and fun and uses my talents, that it is with good people, doing good things
- For the apartment management gig that let’s us work off our rent, live in a beautiful building in the heart of a great neighborhood, meet interesting people and allow us to save money for our future
- For my family, the unconditional love, forgiveness, laughter, and acceptance
- For Finn who is pure joy
- For my circle of friends who are scattered far and wide but who remain always close, close, close to my heart
- For financial stability and learning a lesson the hard way
- For hugs and unexpected compliments
- For yoga and meditation which are helping me become more my true self
- For this blog, a place to write, express myself, share and meet all of you (thank you for being here)
- For this city that is home to me
- For poetry and a really good story
- For quinoa, poached eggs, morning tea, avocados, cinnamon, unagi, dark chocolate and red wine (not all at once of course)
- For the sunshine and the wind and the rain and the snow that sometimes falls in Seattle
- For the smile of a stranger
- For music and for silence
- For Mr. Darcy’s family welcoming me into their lives and sharing their Thanksgiving holiday with me
- For the man I share my home, my bed, my food, my life, my heart with (thank you for being)
- For every day I get to grow, be and live
Be joyful,
Sizz
Photographic Evidence
November 22, 2010 at 6:00 am | Posted in float my boat, yoga | 24 CommentsThis is me attempting a handstand in the doorway of our apartment.
I actually attempted this after a couple glasses of wine while friends were over our house Saturday night. I have real life witnesses!
That’s about as far as I can get right now. I’m still too chicken to let both legs go up even if someone holds me steady.
But I never believed I could get this far so. . . anything is possible if you believe in it enough.
What about you? Ever accomplished something you never thought you could?
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.*
November 19, 2010 at 7:49 am | Posted in body image, health, my neurosis | 48 CommentsLast night I had to speak on stage at a fundraiser. This fundraiser boasted of musicians and burlesque dancers. There were pasties and g-strings and rockin’ tunes. I worried all day about what people might think of me- not so much judging what I would say but what I looked like. After watching the first few acts, my anxiety grew. Who wants to go up on stage after sexy, scantily clad women have been up there? Um, not me. There was a bright spotlight blinding me so I could only see the first couple rows. The emcees and I had a little banter and I said something like, “I’m here to talk about (name of my organization) and I won’t be taking off any clothes.”
From the audience I heard someone say, “Thank you!”
It has stayed with me.
That person could have been genuinely thankful. I mean maybe he doesn’t like seeing half-naked women? (As if.) He could have been attempting to be funny just as I was. But I don’t know… what’s funny about that? I tried to shake it off but here it is the morning after and I am still thinking about it. I am taking it too much to heart. I’ve let it get under my skin.
How could it not? It preys on my worst fear.
There are days where my entire awareness is seated in my belly. When I look in the mirror, my eyes beeline for it. On a good day, my gaze might only flick over it. On a bad day, I might stand examining it from every angle as the tirade of negative self-talk whispers harshly in my ear. Because it is all I see, I imagine that it is all anyone sees when they look at me.
And then when that guy said that, something inside me went, “SEE?! TOLD YOU.” Because my body self-loathing is going to grasp at anything to fuel it.
Maybe you have something similar but in a different part of your body- a place where you fixate your belabored frustration- and there are days where you daydream about cutting that part of you off or out.
It’s not just me, right?
I have been doing so much internal work to accept myself – my faults and quirks – and to change my patterns but I feel stuck when it comes to shifting how I view my body. Do I just accept myself size 18 and all or do I work furiously to whittle my body down to a size where I am more “acceptable”? What comes first? Am I doing it for me or as an attempt to placate the world and protect myself from any harsh criticism? This has been a lifelong struggle for me and I still don’t know the path to take.
I spend too much energy on this. I swear if I were to give any of my daily tasks half the focus I give this body self-loathing, I would be an accomplishing machine. I’ve been trying to get more comfortable with this body of mine through my yoga practice but as I have discussed, there are barriers I still have to push through. I was feeling good last year around this time when I was dropping all kinds of weight. Is that the only way I can like my body? Is if I am making it smaller? The only times I can remember feeling confident in my body was when it was disappearing. When I was 100% dedicated to weight loss. What does that say about me?
I’m tired of only seeing what is wrong.
I’m tired of consenting to feeling inferior.
*Eleanor Roosevelt
Laughing & Crying, You Know It’s The Same Release*
November 16, 2010 at 9:22 am | Posted in cohabitation, funny bone, my neurosis, processing | 26 CommentsI have cried and laughed this morning, all before 9am.
When the cats started to climb on me, I reached over in the dark to find my phone to check the time. It was before 6am and my alarm but I checked my email anyway while Dash perched like a purring hat upon my head. In my in box was an email from someone I did not expect to hear from ever again and a rush of feeling flooded me.
I snuggled up to Mr. Darcy waking him and we talked about the email. This is no small thing- the email and the fact that Mr. Darcy was speaking before 8am (he’d prefer 11am, maybe noon) and that I am seeking comfort in someone. It’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately and discussing in therapy- how I comfort myself. I realized that for years I’ve relied solely on myself and it’s been isolating. It’s a big stretch for me to let Mr. Darcy provide that kind of support. He wants to, of course, but I’ve been the barrier. Me and the one thousand guards standing at attention around my heart. It feels good and also foreign to attempt to open the gates but I am trying for me . . . and for him.
And then when Mr. Darcy got up to go to the bathroom, he ripped a fart. I started laughing and said “Woah!” to which he replied, “I stepped on a duck.”
It did sound a lot like a quack.
Later, after I had done my morning routine of yoga, meditation, tea, showering, I woke up Mr. Sleepyface because he was going to be late for work if he didn’t hustle. When he got out of the bathroom he said, “YOU LEFT ME POO!” Uh. Oops! I give him shit (pun intended) a lot about not flushing saying things like “THERE IS A FLOATER!” This time I was the culprit. I replied, “Don’t you feel closer to me now?” I’m pretty sure he said he could have done without it. We laughed and made poo jokes.
Ah, cohabitation. Ah, love. Ah, life. You are good.
“So cry, why not?/We all do./Then turn to the one you love./And smile a smile that lights up all the room./And follow your dreams, /in through every out-door. /It seems that’s what we’re here for./In days to come, /When your heart feels undone/May you always find an open hand./And take comfort, there is comfort./Take comfort wherever you can, you can, you can.” -”Comfort,” Deb Talan
*Joni Mitchell, “People’s Parties”
Happenings
November 12, 2010 at 7:53 am | Posted in everyday frustrations, life lessons | 13 CommentsI am popping in to say- I miss you.
I am up to my eyeballs in work. This is the start of my crazy busy season. Back-to-back Sunday fundraisers (last Sunday, this Sunday) and preparation for The Big One that hits in March. And then all the other little asides which aren’t really asides but they don’t raise $750,000 so they get lowered on the Must Do NOW List.
A fundraiser that is split between two Sundays is a special kind of brutal. You get to work 4x as hard that week in between. I laugh when people ask, “Why aren’t you taking time off since you worked over the weekend?” Haaa ha haaaaaaaa! Oh silly, the post-event work is just as much as the pre. There are people to be thanked and reports to be made. But with this one I get to do that and prep for the next Sunday. At least any errors made with the first one can be remedied for the next.
Bright side, people. I’m finding it.
And in the midst of my week where I am so busy some days I am unable to take a lunch, my work throws in an all day staff retreat. I was grumbly and pissy about having to give up a day to attend thinking I deserved special treatment since I am trying to raise $140,000. But no! And then I walk into the room with my grumpy attitude and the trainer busts out reciting one of my favorite poems and wins me over. I got so much out of the training. Oh Universe, you clever trickster. Thank you for making me remember that even supposed obstacles are gifts and to not forget the lesson. (I want to tell you more about what I learned when I have time. I was reminded that I have much work to do on empathy. We’ll talk about it next week.)
Meanwhile there are tenants who need keys or have leaking bathroom light fixtures and a laundry room that needs cleaning. There are repairmen to schedule and stoops to sweep and filing to be done. There is a boyfriend that I like spending time with and family and friends I don’t see enough of. There is a week-long trip to Jersey looming and a party at our pad next weekend.
There is life happening.
More soon.
Finding the Good in the Bad
November 9, 2010 at 8:10 am | Posted in my neurosis, yoga | 28 CommentsFor the first time since I began my practice, I left yoga class last night frustrated and depressed.
I’ve been doing daily yoga practice before my 20 minute meditation every morning at 6am. Some days it feels glorious and I start the day off standing taller, feeling centered and more at ease. Other days, it’s just so-so but I power through and try to find the little moments in my practice that make my soul and body sing. That perfect alignment in a pose and the deep stretch it gives, the connection of my body to my spirit, the feeling of being IN my body whole which is, as I have talked about before, something I wrestle with. Meditation is still a struggle for me but I’m new to it and I try not to let negativity creep in. Being aware of my thoughts during meditation is progress. As much as I would prefer to just be good at it right off the bat, having to work at it will make me appreciate it more.
And there is the crux of it.
Not being good. Not automatically succeeding. Not having it be easy. It’s frustrating and I’m fighting it. Last night I felt sorry for myself. I was internally pouting complete with stomping my feet, huffing, crossing my arms, and shedding tears. Why can’t I do a handstand?! I can barely kick halfway up. Knowing my teacher took years to get up into handstand is not comforting me. I feel ridiculous and stupid. I look around the room at other yogis who are upside down being held up by their partner and there I am stuck on the ground. I hate it. It doesn’t seem to matter that I can now get into unassisted half-handstand which two months ago I had never in my life done nor believed I was capable of. I brush aside the fact that I can hold plank pose without faltering for far longer than I ever thought possible. No, none of those accomplishments matter because I am focused on my failure, my not being good enough, my being the largest person in the class.
Before we even got to handstand during the forearm plank and side forearm plank poses I faltered. It’s sort of how I felt when we started plank for one minute- petrified of failing and falling out of the pose. The agonizing over how my body shakes all comes rushing back to me when I lift into forearm plank. I feel awkward and unsure if I am in the right positioning. I can hold it for the 25 seconds (we’re working up to one minute slowly over 8 weeks) when on both arms but then turning to one arm side plank I can only hold it for a few seconds. I ungracefully plopped my body on the mat, took a deep breath, then hoisted myself back up. I wobbled when trying to turn to the other side, fell again and just laid there on the mat with my utter defeat. In that moment something inside me screamed out LOSER and I succumbed to the bad feeling.
Then the whole handstand debacle happened and by the time we sat for stretching, I was so over myself. I wanted to run off and cry. In one particular stretch we fold one leg in and cross the other leg with the knee bent in front of the folded leg. We put the opposite arm in front of the bended leg and twist deeply. I struggle with this- not because I am not flexible because I am surprisingly nimble and even double jointed in some spots- because of my body size. My god damned belly is in the way! I get so furious at it which is so ridiculous really because it is a belly and who made it? That’s right. I DID.
Ugh.
Today I am still trying to dump the negative thoughts and focus on what I have accomplished thus far. In a little over 6 months I have gone from doing very little yoga to practicing daily at home and 3-4 times a week in the studio. I can hold plank pose for one minute. I can balance longer standing on one leg. I have done an unassisted half-handstand. I have stretched, breathed, and bent deeper than I ever have in my life. I have met obstacles and fears on the mat with grace. I have given thanks for the burn of my thighs in a squat, my arms afire reaching out, the shake of my body as my core strengthens. I have become in tune with my body and feel more alive in it. I’ve had moments of love and acceptance for the parts of my body that I am embarrassed and ashamed of. And I have shown up for myself over and over and over.
So I had a bad practice. I let myself dip into the pool of Not Good Enough. Thankfully that pool is more like a wading pool than an ocean. I can stand here and look back, realizing how that is a milestone in itself. The Not Good Enough Pool has shrunk within me. Again I am reminded: It’s about progress, not perfection.
Hello Autumn
November 8, 2010 at 8:05 am | Posted in float my boat | 9 Comments
Nothing quite like a walk amongst the bright fallen leaves in a raincoat & boots on a crisp Fall day. It's even better if you're coming home from getting your hair cut and colored (bye, bye white hairs! see you in 3 weeks you relentless bastards!).
Stuff On My Cat
November 3, 2010 at 6:29 am | Posted in funny bone, Nintendo brand enthusiast, why I love him | 23 CommentsSo a while back Nintendo sent me a new game to try out on my beloved DSi called Professor Layton Unwound Future. The main character for which the game is named wears a very smart top hat. And because Brand About Town is awesome at putting together surprise packages for us Nintendo Brand Enthusiasts, they sent the game along with a mini top hat.
The moment Mr. Darcy saw that little hat he was obsessed with putting it on Dash. His artist’s mind schemed how he could get the top hat on him then photoshop in a monocole. Why yes my boyfriend has hobbies and one of them appears to be decorating the cats.
One day when Mr. Darcy was working from home I received an email entitled “I can die a happy man now” and within the body of the email were the words “Less work than I thought” and this photo:
Dapper Dash
I guess you could say that Dash is rather dashing. (Groan.)
He was unavailable for comment as he is off solving cat mysteries.
When 60 seconds feels like a really, really long time.
November 2, 2010 at 6:28 am | Posted in health, my neurosis, yoga | 18 CommentsRemember how yesterday I was all, “I hope someday to be able to hold half-handstand for a full minute. Maybe even someday do a full handstand.” Um, yeah. About that. . .
Last night in class my teacher announced the new focus pose for the next 2 months. I should say poses because it’s not one but two, technically even three. They are-
- More forearm plank held for one minute (because straight up regular plank was so last month).
- Forearm plank into side forearm pose held for one minute on each side. I don’t know the technical name of this pose as I was too busy freaking out about my lack of core strength and inability to do it. It looks like this:
Side Forearm Pose AKA This Is Hard Pose
- And drum roll please! The dreaded HANDSTAND held for one minute.
Groan.
Yes. You read that right. I could only hold half handstand for 30 seconds and now we’re moving right into full on handstands. My initial reaction was to turn to Supple with a look of fear and dismay plastered on my face. Please recall that I have never done a bona-fide handstand, not even as a kid that I can recall. I am overcome with a fear that I will break my own neck trying. I also feel very inferior because I am one of the larger people in the class. I know people probably aren’t judging me but I AM JUDGING ME. I’m working on it because I did after all start off the half-handstand series completely freaked out and convinced I wouldn’t be able to do it and then I did do it for 30 whole seconds and held plank for 60 seconds.
So there, self! STFU.
So for the next two months I am going to do daily yoga even if it’s just for 20 minutes at home before I meditate because I need to get stronger. I need to practice plank and increase my core and back strength. Last night when Supple assisted me into handstand I could only kick my legs half way up. I am comforted with the knowledge that my teacher struggled with this pose for years. If she could learn to do it and not give up and become the amazing yogi she is today, maybe I can do.
More than body strength, yoga gives me the opportunity to go deeper, push farther, be kinder to myself, slow down and remember that if I believe in myself I can do anything.
Remind me of that when I am spazzing out next time.
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