What’s Your Hurry?

August 30, 2011 at 6:53 am | Posted in my neurosis, processing | 16 Comments

I’ve been feeling stagnant lately and basically unsatisfied and uninspired. It’s a really nasty place to be in. I don’t like vacillating between dull numbness and utter frustration in regards to my own life. Sometimes I just get stuck and patiently waiting has never been a strong attribute of mine.

It’s difficult to not judge myself against where others are at. All around me people are engaged, married, home owners, pregnant, starting new jobs. There’s been a great deal of shifting around me while I feel like I am in the same place. I’ve been overwhelmed with feeling “behind”. Behind what? I can logically tell myself everyone has their own life pace and just because those things aren’t happening to me now doesn’t mean I am doing it “wrong”. I don’t always listen to my own logic.

I feel my age. To some of you that might sound laughable, feeling ones age at 38. But being 38 and feeling unsatisfied in your career, frustrated with your living situation/second job, panicked about your financial future, teetering on an emotional precipice when it comes to your relationships, and still, after a lifetime of body self-loathing, not accepting yourself and well, 38 feels loaded.I’ve started measuring my life in the average years I have left. Yes! I am doing that! It’s insane and yet I am totally doing it. I admit it. And thinking that way rallies the fears. And living in a place of fear? Not a good place.

I don’t want things to happen because they are “supposed” to. I want something to shift because it’s time. But my patience is thin and my enthusiasm is lacking and I just don’t know where my sparkle has gone. I’m struggling to appreciate the present. I’m wrestling with my own what ifs. I’m uncertain what is next, where to push and where to pull. I don’t even know how to give words to it- it’s so convoluted.

I just wish I didn’t feel in such a hurry.

Chaired

August 29, 2011 at 6:33 am | Posted in drivel, money matters | 20 Comments

I was scouring the internet for weeks, checking Craig’s List daily when we finally decided to bite the bullet and just buy a brand new chair from Macy’s. It matches our couch in style though not in color. The blue does not match the blues in the rug but I’m going to pretend that doesn’t bother me.

It's a soft blue though the photo doesn't do the color justice.

And this? Will be our last big purchase until we move because we’re getting serious with an aggressive savings plan. We decided this over dinner at Poppy, a pricey restaurant in our neighborhood.

Do you have any budgeting tips that help you save? We’d love to hear them!

This chair is Cat Approved.

My Week

August 25, 2011 at 7:19 am | Posted in drivel, my neurosis | 12 Comments

It is so like me to use my week off at home from work to not relax but instead tackle a lengthy to do list. I made an initial list on Monday and subsequently have made 3 more lists after things had been crossed off and the list looked messy. Yes, I am that type. And yes, I sometimes write things on my list that I already did just for the satisfaction of crossing it off. What can I say? I like to look accomplished even if I never feel it. How can I when I keep making a new list?

Truth is, I took this week off to get shit done. We have a building inspection on Friday and every year after the landlords come out for this I get a list of things I need to do better or differently. I’m prepared for it despite having cleaned for hours this week. Yesterday alone I vacuumed 4 flights of stairs and all the stairs/landings, wiped down all the banisters, dusted every apartment door (that’s 29 for those who are counting), swept the balconies of nasty cigarette ashes, cleaned out ashtrays, empty the laundry trash, dumped a bunch of pamphlets some asshat keeps dropping off in the foyer- all in 1 hour and 40 minutes. I was a sweaty mess at the end. And there is still more to do! Thankfully Mr. Darcy pitched in when he got home so the list is shorter. I’ve left wiping the entry doors down and the laundry room for last because people will totally mess it up if I do it in advance. My life, it is very glamorous.

Besides all that second job stuff, I’ve done some projects around the house- little fixes here and there- and a deeper cleaning since our cats keep shedding and sometimes when the fans are on full blast (because it’s finally hot in Seattle) I worry we might accidentally eat a furball that’s flying about. Ew. I’ve got errands to run today and then tomorrow, TOMORROW!, is my day of rest and play. I’m certain to suck at it but am going to give it my best effort. My best effort includes- dance class, massage, mani/pedi, a chick flick, and maybe Thai take out.

I have not missed work one iota all week. I thought I’d spend some time contemplating my next move but I feel like staying at the job for the time being is the right choice for me while I focus on getting my side business up and running. Why yes, I am still working on that. I am actually 95% sure I am signing up for an on-line course about starting your own business to kickstart my lackluster progress into action. I have lots of ideas and no movement behind them. Hopefully focusing on getting it up and running will give my work life that jolt of energy and creativity I am currently lacking.

 

**Happy ending to the iPhone debacle: I got a new iPhone 3G for $80 under a battery malfunction clause which holds me over until the 5 comes out. When it does Mr. Darcy will use my 3 and I will get the shiny new one. We all win!

A Real Pisser

August 24, 2011 at 7:25 am | Posted in everyday frustrations, spazzing | 18 Comments

Many of you are privy to my growing irritation with my 3G iPhone. For months now it has only intermittently charged despite the fact that I have 3 different charger cables. It will stubbornly only accept a charge from my car charger which has probably led many a neighbor to wonder what on earth I am doing in my driveway sitting in my parked car at all hours of the day and night, not actually driving anywhere.

I took my iPhone to Apple where the Genius Bar employee plugged it into a charger and on first attempt, it gave her the same asshole message it’s been giving me “charging is not supported with this accessory”. Which, if you didn’t know, is just its way of flipping me the bird. On the 2nd, 3rd and 4th attempts it synched up and charged.

Motherfucker.

We tried my charger and it worked. Even I tried plugging it in and it worked. My iPhone was putting on quite the performance! So I took it on vacation and OF COURSE it didn’t work with my charger. Not once. But! It would work with my sister’s charger and, yes, in the car.

To put it mildly, my phone has been making me angry.

So. . . last night right before Mr. Darcy and I were leaving for his birthday dinner, I went the bathroom. Yes, yes, I know you don’t really want to picture me peeing (trust me, I don’t want you to either) but this is very important for the rest of the story. I got up from the toilet and as I turned to flush my iPhone flew out of the shallow pocket of my dress and plopped right into the toilet. During those few seconds as it flew through the air in a trajectory of imminent demise my life slowed. It was like inside my head I was screaming a slow “noooooooooooooooo!” but was paralyzed to intervene. The moment it landed I immediately reached in and grabbed it, pawing off the protective case and wiping it down.

I stuck my hand in my own urine. That is how addicted to my iPhone I am.

I ran to the fan, turned it on full blast and held it in front of it while screaming to Mr. Darcy, “I DROPPED MY PHONE IN THE TOILET!” He looked up fixes on the internet while I used the hair dryer on it. Then I stuck it in a bag of rice as I lamented how as much as the phone has been a pain in my ass for months, I am lost without it.

A sad, true fact.

Twitter and Facebook friends gave good suggestions and at least I know I am not the only one to get my iPhone wet. After leaving the phone in a bag of rice overnight the screen still has some water damage and it’s a bit slow but it’s working. Kinda. I made an appointment with the Genius Bar for today anyhow and will likely bite the bullet and purchase a 4G. I had been holding out for the 5G but with the charging issues and now the dip it took in the pee pool, I can’t wait.

It’s days like this where I miss the simplicity of my flip phone. Or, hell, our old rotary phone that didn’t have call waiting.

38 Reasons I Love Him

August 23, 2011 at 7:04 am | Posted in birthday, why I love him | 24 Comments

Today is Mr. Darcy’s birthday and in celebration of such a momentous occasion, I thought I’d make a list of 38 reasons why I love him (in no particular order).

  1. He is thoughtful and generous.
  2. He forgives.
  3. He has a great sense of humor and makes me laugh ALL THE TIME.
  4. He’s silly and lets me be silly. He actually likes it when I start dancing in public.
  5. He has a very strong character and lots of integrity.
  6. He is creative and a talented artist.
  7. He has a really cute dimple.
  8. His eye lashes are ridiculously long.
  9. He lets me make fun of him (and gives it right back).
  10. His friends like, respect, and care about him.
  11. My friends like, respect, and care about him.
  12. My nephew adores him.
  13. My Mom would probably disown me to adopt him.
  14. We travel well together.
  15. He watches the History and Military channel. I don’t get it but I think it’s cute.
  16. He gets really worked up when he talks about politics.
  17. He can’t tell the difference between “dad jeans” and “cool jeans”.
  18. He thinks pizza and a soda is a balanced meal.
  19. He makes the bed every morning.
  20. He misses the cats when we go on vacation.
  21. He’ll eat sushi with me even though it’s not his favorite.
  22. He calls his parents.
  23. He does the dishes and empties the dishwasher.
  24. He gets up to scoop Dash’s stinky poops when we are in the middle of watching a TV show, thus saving us both from death-by-stank.
  25. He is supportive and encouraging.
  26. He tries- whether it’s attempting to keep upright on a moving raft by balancing on the edge or tasting a new food or (most importantly) delving into emotional stuff in couple’s counseling, Mr. Darcy always tries.
  27. He is a very good sleeper. I hope when we have a baby s/he takes after him.
  28. He has pretty hazel eyes.
  29. He puts up with my crazy and sometimes even makes me lighten up.
  30. He gets on the ladder to change light bulbs in the building even though he’s afraid of heights.
  31. Even though he’s a homebody, he’ll go along with plans I make to socialize.
  32. He reads actual books.
  33. He can quote from movies like nobody’s business. Luckily we both can keep up with each other when it comes to Ghostbusters and Goonies.
  34. He treats me like a lady (even after I let out a huge belch).
  35. He is a very skilled relaxer.
  36. He’ll watch shows that I want to watch even though he thinks they are lame such as The Glee Project. Then he gets upset when his contestant isn’t picked. He claims he “gets invested”.
  37. He’s a good kisser.
  38. He’s got an adorable smile.

Mr. Darcy, you have my heart. I love you!

King Darcy: The Birthday Boy

 

 

Photo Recap of a Beach Vacation

August 22, 2011 at 9:36 am | Posted in travel | 13 Comments

I’m back from vacation. And well, I’m taking another week off from work to recover from my vacation. That should tell you something, right? I, sadly, did not return rested or relaxed. But! Here are some highlights from the week away in photo form:

Our original impetus for traveling to California was to attend our family reunion. It was great seeing my extended family. I got choked up a few times-it'd just been too long since I'd seen them. This cake was made my talented cousins depicting our family tree. It was awesome!

After spending a couple days in the bay area, my family high-tailed it to Santa Cruz for 5 days at a beach house and some time at the ocean and Boardwalk. This was Mr. Darcy’s first visit to my old home town so I got to show him some of my old haunts like my thinking tree:

This was where I spent many an hour contemplating life while I resided in Santa Cruz. Everything falls into place when staring at the vastness of the ocean.

We spent time at the ocean with Finn whose enthusiasm for being in the waves was infectious. Even Mr. Darcy and I got in and got soaked. Spending time with him there was definitely a highlight.

Finn LOVED being in the water. The next day he spent it soaked and clinging to his Mom while screaming "THIS IS AWESOME!".

We visited the Boardwalk which was Finn’s first time riding rides. He was ecstatic. He even let me go on a kiddie roller coaster with him. He is fearless. Mr. Darcy is not a fan of roller coasters but let me drag him on the Giant Dipper because it’s the most awesomest ride EVER. He enjoyed the Log Ride though we were soaked and subsequently freezing for the rest of the night. And of course we had to get an obligatory chocolate dipped cone.

Mr. Darcy had to buy a sweatshirt at the Boardwalk because we were soaking wet. Santa Cruz REPRESENT!

I saw a few friends during the family trip.

I happily got to see my old book club friends for dinner. It'd been years since I'd seen them all and it was so good to catch up.

And James Dean and Natalie Wood joined us for some family time. Finn had quite a crush on Natalie. He has excellent taste.

If it were not for Rae Rae we wouldn't have had rides to and from the airport in her bitchin' Chevy rental car (her car got stolen and was found burned!). Besides, spending time with her just does my soul good.

(Not pictured: Bird who met us for dinner at my favorite restaurant.)

We got a lot of sun.

I got sunburned right along my bra line and on my right side butt. Very unfortunate places to get burned, let me tell you! (There are no photos of this. You are welcome.)

The house we rented had an amazing English garden. It also had the most uncomfortable, squeaky, rickety old double (!) bed that Mr. Darcy and I suffered in- meaning, we didn’t have a decent night’s sleep the entire time we were there. That sucked. But the rest of the house was really nice.

And this isn't the entire yard! Magnificent.

The trip was maybe a few days too long. At least, that’s what my back keeps telling me. I’ve never been so excited to sleep in my queen-sized bed. Mr. Darcy and I were happy to return home to the cats and our Seattle life. This place really is home now. But I will probably always miss this view:

And the sound of the waves crashing and the sea lions barking.

The Flip Side

August 11, 2011 at 6:51 am | Posted in everyday frustrations, travel | 14 Comments

The bulk mailing assembly nightmare is complete. If you were wondering how long it takes 10-14 people to assemble a 3 piece mailing including labeling and sorting by zip code, it takes 3 work days. And yes, it sucks. But if you have good company you can persevere. Also, swearing helps. Now I just have to drop all 3,887 letters to the bulk mail office which is always a treat (sarcasm).

Today is my last day of work for over a week. At first I was going to take Friday to Friday off but after the past 4 days? I am going to ask for more time. I need it to get my head on straight. I figure 3 extra days ought to do it. (Ha!) I just feel. . . complain-y and short-fused and wallowing in the dark side and I do not like it one bit. I am hoping some time off, some travel, some family time, some sunshine and a walk down memory lane will assist me in clearing away the negativity. Besides, I will be by the ocean for six days and if anything can set me straight and give me perspective, it’s the sea.

I might feel tempted to post while we are gone but I’m hoping to take a tech break- blogging, Twitter and Facebook. I feel overloaded by it all and think that stepping away for a week will give me some clarity and help me listen to my own voice. I’ve been struggling to hear myself over the chatter. It’s time for a reconnection to self.

I’ll return in a week or so, hopefully restored and full of stories.

 

A List of Annoyances

August 9, 2011 at 6:17 am | Posted in everyday frustrations, mountain out of a molehill | 22 Comments

Things That Are Frustrating Me: A List

I got a letter from a collection agency that stated I had failed to pay a bill from my insurance from 2009. I called them because I had no recollection of receiving said bill. The first time I called the receptionist informed me all the debt collectors were in a meeting and could I call back in an hour. I asked for a voice mail to which she “transferred” me back into the voice mail vortex where in I had to push a bunch of buttons only to be sent back to HER. So I hung up and called back later. When I finally spoke to someone she informed me that I had not paid a bill that had been sent to me three times. “To what address were these bills mailed because I have never received them?” To which she replied with my old address from four years ago. This is the same insurance company I CURRENTLY HAVE and yet they can’t seem to find my current address? I get mail from them! This is asinine. And I don’t want this debt collection to mar the good credit I have been building up since my bankruptcy filing nine years ago.

Now I get to call my insurance company and attempt to get them to remove me from debt collection. I will pay the bill but not the penalties.

*************

I got mail from the California DMV and guess what? They sent back my application for a duplicate title and my check because they state: “Records show your vehicle is being registered out-of-state. That state has to issue your title” BUT GUESS WHAT? When I go to a Washington licensing agency (2x I’ve done this), they claim that their records show that California holds the title which is why I mailed them the forms and have been waiting for a month for a reply. It appears that California and Washington need to work on clarifying their communication. Meanwhile, I am driving around with expired tags hoping on a daily basis that I do not get ticketed.

So I get to call California DMV again and to visit another Washington licensing agency to try to get to the bottom of this. It’s very likely that I will be standing in line at the CA DMV next week when I am on vacation. That is absolutely not how I had planned to relax.

GRRRRRRRR!

*************

I have two kitchen cabinet doors that have broken glass. The landlords want me to use a different company than we usually use because they are cheaper. Which means I have to find time in my insane week to drive them out to White Center (south of where I live by the airport so about 20 minutes each way). The other company came to us which was a far cry more convenient for an apartment manager that has another job. Oh, and, the glass company is only open 8:30-5pm. Very inconvenient.

*************

I am about a month behind on mailing out a save the date letter about a November fundraiser. First, you should know that I hate mailings. I prefer to get an email about something and not waste paper but I am dealing with a constituency of people who are not of my generation and respond to actual letters delivered by a mail carrier. A bunch of things have gotten in the way of it going out on time, some of which were not my fault, but yesterday it was all my fault.

We have this small note paper that is like mini-letterhead- the letter I am sending is being sent on that. After merging the document and testing to be sure it lined up correctly, I hit print and ran to the copier to manually feed the paper from the bypass tray. The mailing is 3,857 pieces. It took two hours of manually feeding it and hogging the office copier to complete it. I even had to snag a co-worker to help me so that I could sit in a two-hour meeting wherein I sat listening to my boss present our fiscal year fundraising plan and I was told I didn’t have to say  anything. Waste of time? I think you know my answer. (Meetings should only be an hour and they are a lot less boring if I am asked to contribute. I digress.)

So I have these letters and am trying to print out an insert that I can then cut and fold plus locating enough envelopes for the entire thing when I realize I should have just sent this damn thing to a mail house as it is WAY too big for me to turn around and get it in the mail within a couple of days. I will have to rope my co-workers into labeling and stuffing. It’s a nightmare. EXCEPT! It gets worse. Because I happened to glance at one of the printed letters and realized it merged with the a previous version of the letter not the most up-to-date one which means I HAVE TO DO IT ALL OVER. It’s one sentence difference but that one sentence implies that the person receiving the letter had attended this event in the past and for half of these folks, that’s not true.

Oh and in between all this a co-worker I really like and admire gave her notice. Thursday is another friend/co-worker’s good-bye party before he moves to Los Angeles. Last week two  different awesome co-workers left the agency and a couple of my closest work pals are looking for new employment. It’s depressing and I am very sad about how the agency is changing and my friends are all leaving.

Add that to the mailing debacle and I was proclaiming that I should just quit. It was one of those days where it just seemed easier.

***********

I haven’t fully pulled myself up by my boot straps today but I am up early and headed into the office to stand at the copier and print 3,857 mini-letters before my fellow employees come in and need the printer.

I have a headache.

I think I want to find a new job.

I need a vacation.

What’s annoying you?

Our First Open House

August 8, 2011 at 7:20 am | Posted in cohabitation, house hunting | 15 Comments

Mr. Darcy and I spent over three hours yesterday driving around looking at houses for sale. Mostly just to check out neighborhoods and see what is available in our price range. At least we think it’s our price range. We’re kind of flying blind here and making it up as we go along until we take the home buyers workshop in a couple of weeks. We’re absolutely not ready to buy. We still have a lot to learn and money we need to save but we figured we might as well do some research.

There was one house in particular that we both really liked and it happened to be having an open house that day. It claimed to have 3 bedrooms, was built in the 1930′s, and had a finished detached garage that was advertised as a “man cave”. It was our last stop on our afternoon of house hunting. When we pulled up I firmly instructed Mr. Darcy, “Okay. Don’t give away too much information.We aren’t ready to buy. Play it cool.” (I’m paraphrasing.) He’s like, “Yeah, I  know. I got it!” So we make our way inside, greet the realtor and introduce ourselves. And what do I say next? “We’re just looking for research. We’re not ready to buy.”

Yeah. I’m cool like that. Play poker with me sometime.

The house was staged beautifully and had a lot of the original charm- stunning light fixture in the dining room, built ins, big windows, finished basement as well as the “man cave” which Mr. Darcy immediately started to plan where all his little painted soldiers and such would go. Hello! Mr. Darcy! WE ARE NOT READY TO BUY. I thought I’d be the one falling in love with the place and instead I was just the one who blew our cover within 5 seconds of walking in the door.

Getting downstairs was a bit precarious. The stairs were very narrow and the railing a bit wobbly. There was a teeny tiny bedroom off the laundry area which Mr. Darcy and I both agreed was kind of creepy. It was like the room you were sent to when you were being bad. Beyond that was where the previous owners had their tv room- it even had a small kitchenette and full bathroom. The ceilings were very low.

I am 5'3". You do the math.

The upstairs rooms were incredibly small. People in the 1930′s were very tiny apparently. The rooms would fit a queen sized bed and that’s about it. I would point out things I liked and Mr. Darcy would say, “Stop saying all the good stuff. I’m falling in love with this house.” Sensitive to his feelings I was all, “Knock it off! WE ARE NOT READY TO BUY.”

There was a long list of reasons why that house would not have been a yes for me and I listed them to Mr. Darcy as soon as we said our good-byes and were out the door. Here I thought he was going to be the hard one, the practical one and he was getting moony over a man cave where he could store his nerd things. I think we’re both cautiously optimistic about this next step. It’s hard not to get excited (and terrified) when making such a huge life shift.

We’re hoping the workshop we are taking at the end of the month will clear up many of the questions we have like- How much can we actually afford? and, Are we crazy to consider buying  a house? Maybe it will even alleviate some of the anxiety we feel when we think about it. Because, man, I’ve been panicking about money ever since we started talking about this in earnest. As much as I am OVER being apartment managers, it’s hard to give up the “free” rent.

Out of the Mouth of Babes

August 3, 2011 at 7:34 am | Posted in my nephew is awesome | 28 Comments

At Finn’s 5th birthday party this weekend he and his 9 year old neighbor friend, Leondre, were playing in the kiddie pool with a boogie board. There is a hole in it at the top of the board where a rope would hang but had long since been lost. Finn said to Leondre, “That looks like a vagina!” Leondre looking puzzled asked, “What’s that?!” And Finn, my very advanced nephew said, “It’s where the pee comes out on a girl!” Leondre looked grossed out and proclaimed his feelings with “Ewwww!”

This leads me to my next story. My mom always has to go the bathroom. I realize this is TMI but work with me here for the sake of the story.

Finn and my mom often go to the beach or the park in the morning when he arrives at her house for the day. This one time he was frolicking and playing and the time whizzed by when my mom said, “We have to go, Finn. Grandma needs to use the bathroom.” A common occurrence that once again was putting a damper on his fun. He yelled, “GRANDMA! Your vagina is stupid! It’s ruining everything!”

In public. My nephew yelled about my Mom’s vagina being stupid.

The horror. The hilarity.

Pretty soon after that outburst he looked at her sheepishly and said, “I owe you a quarter now don’t I?” Because there is a strict rule that he can’t say the word “stupid”. Her response? “You owe me more than that, buddy” as she tried not to laugh.

Good thing that kid is so damn cute.

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