Cycle 1 Recap & Results
September 30, 2011 at 6:41 am | Posted in body image, my neurosis | 20 CommentsToday is my first day on Cycle 2 of the 17 Day diet which means I can introduce some whole grains, starchy vegetables and legumes into my meals (thank god!).
Cycle 1 was. . . a challenge. I ate a lot of taco salads (without any tortillas), salads in general, chicken, cauliflower pizza, kale and poached eggs, non-fat plain Greek yogurt (my favorite is Fage- I did a taste test), berries, clementines and grapes (other fruit is allowed but these were what I gravitated towards). I drank 3 cups of green tea a day and 8+ glasses of water (the water intake is normal for me).
Being on a limited menu like this requires a lot of pre-planning. You have to know what you are going to eat at each meal because you also experience hunger differently. Without all the carbs and sugar to distract my metabolism/digestion I could tell when I was hungry- often because I was becoming spacey or bitchy (sorry, Darcy). The worst is being caught without any snack to eat to stave off a meltdown. It’s not that easy to find approved food on Cycle 1 when you are out and about. Needless to say, I kind of avoided going out these past 17 days. It was just easier to control my intake.
Plus, with the restriction of no alcohol, going out seemed even more difficult. A lot of socializing centers around drinking. I miss my occasional glass of wine (or 3), I’ll admit it. I think the thing that was the hardest was no grains. I am looking forward to having some quinoa and some oatmeal. I’m also excited about beans. Beans and quinoa, people, that’s what is making me salivate. What has this Cycle done to me?! I’m not really missing sugar which usually is true for me after a couple of weeks avoiding it. I feel 110% better when I avoid refined sugar and processed foods.
I kept my normal workout schedule of 1 hour of dance 5 times per week plus added in 20 minute workouts at home on the days I didn’t go to class. This cycle said to do 17 minutes each day but I didn’t want to do less than what I already had been doing for months. I’m going to add in some pool time in this next cycle now that my tattoo is healed.
I told myself I wasn’t going to weigh in until the end of the Cycle but I lied. I had a few meltdowns about the whole process, wondering if I was doing the right thing, if it was going to work, feeling like I was going to be a fat failure forever (I’m dramatic, ok?) and so I hopped on the scale once or twice during this cycle. Today, I recorded all my numbers and in the interest of full disclosure I’m going to put them here.
Starting weight: 219.4
Weight after 17 Day Cycle 1: 213
Measurements: lost 1 inch around hips, waist, bust, and thigh
Now I move onto Cycle 2 which allows me to alternate Cycle 1 with Cycle 2. So every other day I can incorporate whole grains, beans and other meat and fish options. I’m giddy with the possibilities. I’ve got a bunch of recipes I’ve been holding for this part. The hard part might be alternating between eating those things one day and being back on Cycle 1 limited diet the next. I’m committed to going through the three cycles to see how this all pans out. I already feel better about my body have just dropped that inch around and those 6 pounds.
(Inter)networking
September 29, 2011 at 7:10 am | Posted in jubilation | 19 CommentsRemember a while back when I announced that I was starting my own event planning business? The one that focuses on day-of wedding coordinating specifically but that also provides event support with logistics and day-of execution for any type of party or event? The one you all rallied to help me name?
Yeah, that one.
Despite not saying anything here until now, I have not stopped working on this endeavor. I even came up with a name (which is not from the fantastic suggestions that were given- sorry!). I’ve been busy working on my business plan but then I got stuck. I am not sure about pricing-I don’t know how to set a value to what I provide! I’m also not sure about all the legal and tax aspects of running a business. So I signed up for an on-line course. It just started but I’m hoping I get inspiration and answers so that I can move forward.
I also started calling it “my business” not “my side business” because I want it to be my job someday and talking about it like it’s just a hobby was diminishing it. I’ve been talking about it to people here or there and the response has been very favorable. I feel like once I launch it, I will have a lot of support in getting the word out. This is invaluable.
So here’s where I come to you. I am looking for recommendations for folks who do awesome logo design and possibly website design. I don’t have a ton of money to start which is limiting my choices (I’ve found some excellent sources but they are outside my budget- boo!). I have some ideas of what I want the look and feel to be. I want someone who can incorporate my quirky, vintage, sassy esthetic with clean, modern lines. Seem too much to ask for? Maybe. But I figured it doesn’t hurt to put it out there.
Body Hatred > Self-Love: Changing the Equation
September 27, 2011 at 7:45 am | Posted in confessional, health, journey to acceptance, light bulb moments, vanity | 32 CommentsIt was a culmination of things that lead me to this place.
This place where, for the past two weeks (and counting), I have been subsisting on only lean protein, certain veggies, some fruit, non-fat, plain yogurt, and green tea. I’ve been in detox mode. Or as I call it in my mind, “fuck this fat” mode. And yes, the vulgarity is important.
I’m totally pissed off- at myself, at my fat, at my inability to just accept my body as it is and be fine. The truth is I AM NOT FINE and I spend way too much energy thinking about how unattractive I am because of my fat. THAT IS NOT OKAY. I’m sick of it- that way of thinking, that way of being. I’ve tried to embrace the reality of my chubby self. I dress it up and put on a brave face. I already eat healthy and work out 5 days a week. And yet I am still heavy.
What. The. Fuck.
So I decided that I had to DO something because I am not good at just sitting back and letting life happen to me. I’m a person of action. And so, inspired by a blog friend, I picked up the 17 Day Diet book and have immersed myself in the process. It’s very similar to South Beach which I had a lot of success on before I met Mr. Darcy. Remember when I dropped 30+ pounds? Well. Uh. I gained 25lbs of that back. And that realization made me crumble in a pile of my own self-loathing. I could tell clothes were fitting me differently but then I bought a scale and the truth of it could not be denied. This is not the first time I’ve had to take a very hard look at myself and my body.
There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to put this here- admit to my fatness like it’s some secret. The feeling of vulnerability in confessing that I am depressed about my body and my inability to keep weight off and the fact that I can’t seem to truly accept this part of myself is off the charts. But I know a lot of you struggle with this same issue and like all the other personal stuff I share, I figure sharing this might help some of you.
At work my co-workers are intrigued and/or appalled by the food I am existing on. Some of my naturally thin co-workers have never had to diet and having to give up certain foods seems unfathomable to them. “No bread?! I would die.” (I’ve heard this.) “Why are you doing this to yourself?” to which I asked, “Have you ever been fat?” A look of horror flickered across his face. Don’t say the word fat! Don’t admit your fatness aloud! No one wants to talk that bluntly about it.
It’s my fat and I will talk about it if I want to.
If you have never been fat, you don’t get it. There is probably something you might not like about your appearance but if you’ve never been overweight you do not get why I am doing this. That’s what I want to tell them. Eat your Wendy’s cheeseburger and fries and be thin and don’t worry about me. I am taking care of me.
That’s the hard thing about sharing your “diet” with anyone. There are so many opinions. How you should do it. What worked for them. You’re fine the way you are. You should just. . . FILL IN THE BLANK. I am not asking for advice because I am having yogurt and fruit for breakfast, okay? I’m just trying to get a handle on my relationship between my mind and my body. It’s really complicated and not easy but I am hoping it pays off. I would like to use all that brain-space and energy for more productive things than self-hatred.
I have done a great deal of really hard work on accepting myself. I’ve had a lot of success in every area but this one. I’ve reached rock bottom when it comes to my body hatred. I want to look in the mirror and not be full of judgment. I want to walk in a room and not worry about what other people are thinking about my size. I want to be free from the self-loathing. I’ve got shit to do and this? This is taking up too much time in my life schedule.
Finding Laughter
September 26, 2011 at 7:17 am | Posted in funny bone | 10 CommentsPicture it: Saturday, mid-day, in the midst of doing chores.
Mr. Darcy, as he exits the bathroom and head’s to the kitchen trashcan, says in all seriousness, “Babe, I have to ask you something.”
I look at him as he tosses trash into the bin.
“Have you been taking poos in the cat litter box? Because I just pulled one out that was human size,” he asks me without any hint of a joking tone.
I start laughing.
“No really. The cat should not be shitting that big. I’m concerned,” he ponders, perplexed.
I can’t stop laughing.
“I can’t figure out how you get under there to do it though,” he marvels.*
This is the cat box located in our bathroom.
I’m still laughing.
* * * * *
Picture it: The Puyallap Fair with my Mom and nephew. The weather is cloudy then sunny then cloudy again thanks to a steady wind.
We bought a $20 punch card for rides that is worth 40 tickets. But! (and this is how they get you) rides are 9 tickets a person. So we basically just spent $20 for 2 of us to go on two rides. (Rip off!) Finn and my Mom are on the Tilt-a-Whirl spinning round and round.
I’m off to the side snapping photos when the wind picks up and the dark sky begins to open.
First a few drops then quickly it shifted into a steady downpour as we scramble to find shelter. None of us are wearing rain coats. We have one small umbrella that barely covers Finn. We’re running and we are soaked. Finn is jumping in puddles. I say, fuck it, and just let myself get soaked. My hair is plastered to my head. My dress is so wet the pattern of my underwear is showing (you’re welcome, Fair-goers). Finn is drenched and my Mom is trying to hold onto her tiny umbrella while her pant legs are stuck to her. Everywhere around us people are running to over-hangs and into buildings.
I just start laughing. What is left to do?
My Mom gives Finn this bag as a makeshift raincoat. As he stands there getting drenched he says, “EVEN MY ARMPITS ARE WET!”
Recognizing Myself
September 22, 2011 at 7:13 am | Posted in my neurosis, processing | 25 CommentsThings are changing.
Things are always changing but lately I am seeing it with more clarity.
I feel different. I am recognizing the shifting within myself. Sometimes it feels good but often it feels scary. But that’s one of the things that has changed- I can recognize when I am doing something that isn’t working and 7 times out of 10 I will DO IT DIFFERENTLY. This is progress.
I’m not trying to rescue everyone anymore. It’s uncomfortable but I keep stepping back from the impulse.
I’m more relaxed. I say this knowing that compared to how totally un-relaxed I was before my version of relaxed is still totally uptight to most people.
I have entire days where the only thing I have planned is dance class. I don’t over-book every single available minute. I’m not sure people believe me. But ask Mr. Darcy- there are many nights where I am just watching TV with him on the couch (while playing Words With Friends because you don’t actually expect me to be able to just sit there and do one thing yet, do you?).
I let people go. This is a big one for me. I used to hang on and on and on hoping a person would change (see the first one). I would get wrapped up in the toxicity of the situation and yet continue to hope for something different. If I could just . . . (fill in the blank). I’m accepting that there is nothing I can do or be to change a person. They have to change on their own and they might never do that.
I’m much more diplomatic, especially at work. I was once called on my “professionalism” in a work evaluation. It had more to do with my humor and my over-use of it in inappropriate situations (they claimed). Once I received that feedback, swallowed my pride a bit, and really looked at my behavior, I did a complete turnaround. People have commented on it at work in a positive way. (Don’t worry, I haven’t lost my sense of humor in the change, just adapted it.)
These are just a smattering of the things I am noticing. I tend to not be good at seeing my own positives. I wave away compliments. I suck at taking the time to absorb good feeling. I’m working on it.
I’m currently in this place where I can picture the me I want to be. I’m struggling with some deeper issues that seem to always hold me back from actualizing her. I get closer and then I roadblock myself and feel stuck for a while. Then something happens and I pick up the struggle again, fighting to break through my walls.
I’m trying to recognize the places where I am guarded. I don’t know if people would even know this about me if they weren’t particularly close to me because I come off as such an open and expressive person. And I am those things- open and expressive- but to a point. There is a lot of deep down stuff that I protect. But being in a relationship with Mr. Darcy has pushed me to chisel away at the fortress protecting me. There can’t be an honest, loving relationship unless I do. Who wants to date a person who emotionally shuts them out? I would not. Mr. Darcy does not. And so I pick up my tools and hammer away.
I hit a bottom when it comes to my self-acceptance and my body. I’m doing something about it but I am not ready to talk about it yet. It feels too fragile and I want to protect it for a little while longer, give it time to grow.
I keep an image in my mind of the woman I want to be and I keep moving towards her. Someday, I just know, I will look in the mirror and truly recognize myself.
Loving & Losing
September 19, 2011 at 6:59 am | Posted in health, my neurosis, processing | 9 CommentsLoving and losing weight have a lot of things in common.
Losing weight takes dedication, determination and inspiration. It starts with a choice and after that first day when you make the choice there follow many more days, each one requiring you to choose- to focus, to stay and work at it, to give it your all, to try.
There might be off days where you fantasize – in this case about ice cream sundaes and stacks of pancakes, heavy on the maple syrup. A grass is always greener type of thing. There might even be days where you want to throw your hands up and just wallow in bad feelings. You might question if you’re cut out for this sort of thing. Do you have it in you? Can you be successful? On these days, you just don’t know. But there is an inner resolve that fuels you. A feeling you can’t quite describe that keeps you committed on the long road ahead.
For most of us, loving someone does not play out like a Hollywood film. There is the initial honeymoon phase where you’re so enamored you tune out the world and only have eyes for him/her. There’s the first fight and the making up. There are the highs and lows, the miscommunications and the making up, the raucous days and the quiet ones.
In loving someone and in losing weight, you hopefully find the best parts of you emerging. The parts you thought were lost or hidden, the ones maybe you told yourself were unlovable. And in all of it there is a new way of seeing what was always there and always beautiful.
Inked
September 15, 2011 at 6:27 am | Posted in living out loud | 29 CommentsYesterday I gave myself a permanent reminder to be.
Be present.
Be authentically me.
What started out as a blank slate…
Turned into a this…
My first visible tattoo.
I love it.
Yes, it hurt but it wasn’t that bad and it only took like 12 minutes. Besides, I had my friend Meghan with me to distract me and photo-document. (Thanks M!) Suzy at Two Birds Tattoo is fantastic. If you’re a Seattle local, check them out!
I’m definitely getting another.
En-Titled
September 13, 2011 at 6:33 am | Posted in everyday frustrations | 12 CommentsAs I was leaving for work yesterday I checked the mail and found something official looking from the California DMV. I got super excited thinking this was what I’d long been waiting for and I could FINALLY (after months of back and forth) get my car tags.
Hallelujah!
But when I went to the licensing office I was told what I had in my possession was a registration form for my car, not the title. I confess I knew it wasn’t the actual title because, you know, I can read and all but I figured it was worth a shot going down to the place and seeing if it’d be sufficient. The disgruntled lady with the very gross arm wound bandaged with what appeared to be clear tape took pity on me after I showed her my mountain of paperwork proving I had been working on this issue for months. I think the fact that I as near tears might have helped (it was real distress). She issued me a 60 day pass that I could tape to my window which would at least help me avoid tickets for a couple of months while I figured this out.
Disheartened and incredibly frustrated, I headed home. I was feeling very stabby and when I arrived home I went off on this whole situation in a diatribe to an audience of two cats and my boyfriend. I am so tired of fighting the DMV bureaucracy – where no one knows what the hell they are doing and everyone gives you a different answer and yet you STILL DO NOT HAVE YOUR CAR TITLE. I paid off my car! I own it! GIVE ME THE TITLE, FUCKERS!
Poor Mr. Darcy. He listened and let me vent because he has learned you do not try to reason with me when I am on a PMS-fueled rant. It’s much too dangerous.
As I was making dinner, Mr. Darcy went downstairs to collect the day’s mail. He opened our apartment door and said, “I think I have something here that is going to make you happy.” Doubtful, I looked at the envelope he was handing me and wouldn’t you know it? It was my long-awaited car title. The actual bona-fide title. In my hands. I jumped up and down and screamed and hugged him. My mood dramatically shifted in those few seconds. Finally! Finally, I can get my car tabs and I officially own my car. What a fucking nightmare it has been. I truly hope no one else has to go through the bullshit hassles I’ve been through.
Mr. Darcy just paid his car off a couple of weeks ago (yay us!) and he also received a letter the other day from his loaning bank that his title would arrive to him within 10 days. His car is registered in WA but he bought it in NJ. In that stack of mail he’d discovered my car title, he also had an official-looking envelope. He opened it to discover his car title. His car title arrived without incident and within 2 days of the notice that he’d paid off his car.
Can you believe it? We’re examples of both extremes. I think I would opt for his experience over mine, any day. I’m off this morning to the licensing office (my 4th visit in this whole fiasco). Wish me luck.
Doubles, Love
September 12, 2011 at 6:52 am | Posted in adventures | 13 CommentsI played tennis on Sunday and then afterwards, I brunched.
The brunching part is a lot easier to believe than the tennis part. I know.
These three lovelies can vouch for me.
One of the fun things about tennis is all the ball jokes you can make. BooyahGirl and I had this text exchange the night before our tennis date:
Me: Do we need to get balls? (Typing that made me giggle.)
Her: Reading it made me giggle. I have 4 balls. (and I am giggling again)
Me: T & I are coming together (dirty!)
Her: I cannot stop laughing.
Then on the court you can say things like, “I am tucking my balls” when putting extra tennis balls in the waistband of your pants so you can have them handy when it’s your turn to serve.
It helps if the people you are playing with don’t take the game too seriously if you don’t really know what you are doing. And, bonus, you get to grunt when you hit the ball. Hitting the ball is extremely satisfying.
Tennis, anyone?
My Reprieve
September 8, 2011 at 6:40 am | Posted in health, life lessons, my neurosis | 18 CommentsThe only place I feel truly okay with my body is in dance class.
In the basement of an old building that smells of bagels and sweat, facing mirrored walls in front and to my right, in work out clothes, face red with exertion and a body glistening in perspiration, I feel my most beautiful.
Isn’t that wild?
It’s not because I look any different there. The sports bra, tank top and capri sweats are not my best outfit. I’m wearing no make up and my bed head is barely tamed. If I scrutinize I can see the lumps and rolls beneath the black clothes. I catch a glimpse of my upper arm flesh flapping as I move. I occasionally compare how my body is shorter, squatter, rounder than the other bodies behind me and it bumps me off course. There are those moments where I start to squash my own spirit because I’ve let who others are diminish my own unique light and I forget sometimes that I am special.
I forget it more than I remember it.
But there in that dimly lit room with music pulsing and bodies moving in unison, I am able to do what I can’t seem to do anywhere else- forgive my supposed failures and connect back to my center. Maybe it’s because the space feels safe and accepting and it allows me to feel the same about myself for a brief hour. Maybe it’s because I stop being in my head and get to be in my body finally. Maybe it’s because I’m stripped down raw to my core and when I look at my reflection I finally can be kind. I spend the majority of every day harshly criticizing my looks. I waste hours upon hours belittling my body and cursing its shape. But then I walk into Dance Underground and I feel lighter. I take a deep breath. I see myself with my heart, not my mind. And I smile from the inside out.
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