Happy Halloween
October 31, 2011 at 7:42 am | Posted in fun & frolicking | 9 CommentsIt’s kind of funny that we say “Happy Halloween” isn’t it? When it is supposed to be a spooky, fright-inducing holiday?
(File that under: Random Thoughts by Sizzle Says.)
Friday my work had a party/costume contest. I was a real hard ass on my department about our group costume. I wanted to win! My initial suggestion of being SNL characters was shot down in a vote. Boo! I really, really wanted to be Linda Richman. Can you just see me pulling my coworkers into my cubicle pretending we were on “Coffee Talk”? What a hoot. Plus I’d get to say things like “I’m getting verklempt!” and “Talk amongst yourselves!” Or I could have been Pat. I could have made so many people uncomfortable with my questionable gender and that odd noise s/he would make.
But instead, the majority went for donuts. Yes, we all dressed up as donuts. See:
Donuts! (& a cup of coffee)
I’m a Feather Boa donut- my favorite donut at a local donut shop. It’s coconut!
We did not, however, win the contest. But these guys did:
Well deserved! Cereal characters!
How awesome is that? I bow my creative hat to them.
As you can imagine, being a donut is not really conducive to a desk job. Though I did discover that it’s convenient for resting your camera or a plate of food on it. I had to tip sideways to get through some doorways. And the pink paint I used to spray paint my inner tube/donut never completely dried so that white shirt is now garbage. So today I decided to wear something easier to work in. You know, type on my computer, answer the phone and attend meetings in. So on Saturday I opted for an easier costume when I happened upon this mumu-esque dress at the thrift store.
Mrs. Roper
Now if only Mr. Darcy would dress up as Stanley, we’d have it made.
P.S. This mumu is comfortable. Like, really.
What are you dressing up as?
Time with my favorite little guy
October 27, 2011 at 7:26 am | Posted in family, my nephew is awesome, sentimentality | 13 CommentsI took Monday off from work to pick my nephew up from Kindergarten. His parents were both busy with work and my mom, who usually picks him up, was away in Utah visiting relatives. I try to snatch up any opportunity to hang out with Finn because, well, to me he’s the coolest kid ever (Auntie bias, I am allowed).
I arrived about 20 minutes early. I was concerned about traffic and getting lost, unnecessarily apparently. I found his classroom and peered in. There he was at a table with some other boys playing with dinosaurs. He looked so grown up, it kind of broke my heart a little. When did he get so big?
When the class let out he pushed his way through the crowd of kids blocking the door with a big smile and ran up to hug me. We gathered his things and, holding hands, made our way out to the parking lot. He knows his way around, his routine, names of classmates- he’s this little tyke who is independent in a way I wasn’t prepared for. I can only imagine how I will feel when I have a child of my own. Watch out, heart.
We sat in the car for a bit while he ate some snacks and we chatted. He told me about how his class, called “The Bat Clan”, sings a version of the Batman theme song when they come inside from recess. How they went to the library and got books about Pete the Cat. Kindergarten seems pretty cool. But seriously, how is he school-aged already?
I roped him into coming with me to a couple of stores (I was looking for supplies for my Halloween costume). He said sure but that he gets a toy if he comes. What a racket! But of course, I agreed and off we went. At Target I came up empty on the costume front but he spent 20 minutes going up and down the toy aisles pondering which toy to pick. He’d point out which toy he liked and I’d be all, “Sorry dude, that’s too much money. But I’ll try to remember that for Christmas, ok?” They purposely put the expensive toys on the shelves at eye level with kids (damn them!). “What about some Thomas the Train stuff? Are you into that still or are you over it?” I asked him. “OVER IT!” he said as he walked right by it with nary a glance. Okay then. He’s 5 going on 12.
I’m counting down the minutes, trying to get him to make a final decision. “10, 9, 8, . . . ” “STOP COUNTING!” he told me. But we were already late and traffic was going to be bad. Finally, after much negotiation, he chose a samurai sword. Swords, superheros, animals- these are his new interests. Later, Thomas the Train.
I remember when he was little and I changed my work hours to watch him while my sister went back to work part-time. Those hours I had with him each week are still some of my favorite of my life. I look at him now, growing up so fast, and am so grateful I am here in the same city as him, that he knows me, that I get to see him grow from a baby to a toddler to a young boy. I hope he always knows how important he is to me and how much I love him.
Fashion Forward 4
October 26, 2011 at 8:32 am | Posted in fashion | 17 CommentsI wore this dress out to dinner with Mr. Darcy’s parents. I got it at Target for $10 (steal!). I’m not 100% sold on it though. I feel like the shoulder part makes me look very broad. I mean, I AM a broad but not really broad if you know what you mean.
Dinner on the town outfit
Side note: I am SO over my hair right now. It’s very poofy and I don’t get it cut until the 5th. Aack!
It always seems that when I visit my favorite thrift store desperate to find some new (to me) clothes, I come up empty. But the days that I just stop in, not really seeking anything in particular, I hit the motherload. Unfortunately, Monday was one of those days where I only found 2 scarves, each $2.
Scarfed
The jacket is from Old Navy (last year I think). I like to pop my collar because I’m cool like that. And yes, I do like to throw on a flower pin. I guess you could say it’s part of my “signature style”.
I have this monster of a scarf- it’s really long but made of light material- that I like to wear. Turns out I have a sweater and t-shirt that match in color. And yes, this is a bit matchy-match. I’ve been trying to steer clear of that and most days I do well but today I was tired and uninspired when I looked at my closet so I threw on trouser jeans, this t-shirt and sweater and scarf.
Matchy Match
I have to change in and out of my outfit twice today because I have yoga at lunch then Nia after work then therapy so I needed an easy outfit. Plus, it’s freezing in my office.
Let’s recap: I like scarves. I like flower pins. I like the color green.
A Lovely Weekend
October 24, 2011 at 7:21 am | Posted in my neurosis | 14 CommentsMr. Darcy’s parents made the trek out to Seattle from New Jersey for the weekend. Because they fly last-minute on military flights, we don’t really know for sure if they are coming until they are already on the plane. Thankfully, this time they took our advice and stayed at a hotel not far from us instead of all the way out in Kent (about 40 minutes by car from where we live but closer to the base they fly in or out of) which afforded us the luxury of spending more time with them and showing them OUR Seattle.
Since they were seeing our apartment for the first time, I made a long list of chores we had to accomplish before they arrived. Mr. Darcy’s all “but they are just my parents” as in it’s no big deal. And I was all “but THEY ARE YOUR PARENTS” as in it’s totally a big deal. I won this debate and the apartment was clean and welcoming for their visit. It’s nice that they now have some context for our lives- that they can imagine our home, our cats, our building, our neighborhood- when we tell them stories. I even got to make them dinner which they thankfully loved. It just felt really homey and comfortable and really enjoyed their visit.
We even took them around to some open houses in some of the neighborhoods we are considering so they could picture it. Most of the ones we went into were not for us but it was a good exercise in a) not walking in the door saying WE ARE JUST LOOKING & AREN’T READY TO BUY (ahem, at least for me) and b) seeing how vastly different the photos can be from the actual size of the home. Since Mr. Darcy’s parents are a huge reason we can afford to be looking at buying, it meant a lot to have them there chiming in and sharing the experience with us.
Side note: We are meeting with a loan officer and a realtor this week. Eek! Yay!
It was a lovely weekend spent with my future in-laws.* I feel very lucky to be welcomed into such a sweet family where I feel so comfortable and accepted. I’m looking forward to our trip back east in a few weeks to celebrate Thanksgiving with all of them.
Mr. Darcy and his parents hanging out in our apartment.
*No! We are not engaged. You think I’d bury that kind of announcement in a post? Hell no!
Money Matters
October 18, 2011 at 7:07 am | Posted in big dreams, life lessons, money matters | 27 CommentsAs a college student I managed to work low-paying jobs and live on the income from them and student loans but just barely. Because those things- my work-study job, my off-campus job, and my multiple student loans- only helped me pay for school, rent, and bills. Sometimes I struggled to buy groceries or gasoline. Going out was always a luxury. Travel was pretty much impossible.
And so I got some credit cards.
There were some months where the only way I could eat was to use my credit card. If any major expense came up- my car broke down, I owed money to the IRS, I got sick and had a doctor bill or needed new glasses- I used a credit card to pay for it or often had to borrow from my Mom. I had no savings account. When my first job after college told me about contributing to a 403b I laughed. I was like I NEED EVERY DOLLAR. Being smart with money was not something I was skilled in despite how hyper-aware I was of every single cent I earned and spent.
I lived in a state of financial lacking.
I was constantly stressed out by money. In my late 20′s during the height of my money woes, I was dating a guy who lived in San Francisco and worked for a reputable housewares store as a graphic designer. He rented a room in a nice house and wore Kenneth Cole. And there I was, 29, from a hippy, beach town in my thrift store jeans and Converse, driving a car I bought off my Mom. He often wanted to go out, travel, do things that were outside of my means. He also didn’t offer to pay for me so in order to keep up, I kept charging more on my credit cards- gas to get from The Cruz to SF, plane tickets to visit his family in Arizona, etc. It was stupid and ridiculous.
Around this time was when the hounding started- the constant calls from debt collectors. And when I stopped answering my phone.
The thing about being deep in debt is that it feels humiliating and paralyzing. I lived in a constant state of lack, of stress, of panic. Everyone needs money to live and I didn’t feel like I ever had enough. Dating a man who was elitist and who lived an hour and a half away didn’t help but all of my financial troubles started before I met him.
So, I finally caved, admitted I was in over my head and filed for bankruptcy.
I remember the day I had to go to “court”. I was a nervous wreck. Creditors could show up and contest it! What if I had to fight them in front of an audience? I was scared out of my mind but it turned out to be nothing. A man behind a folding table in a rented out hall (a makeshift court) asked me a few questions, asked if anyone was there to contest it (I held my breath, no one showed) and then had me sign something.
I vowed to myself that day that I would do money differently. No new credit cards (no company would give me one anyhow). Living within my means. I got a better paying job. I broke up with that guy in SF. Without the barrage of debt collection calls and the stack of bills filling my mailbox, I could breathe. It took years for me to get to a place where I felt financially stable.
Years later when I took my second job as an Apartment Manager I knew this was my opportunity to really change my relationship with money. In the four years I’ve been working as a building manager instead of paying rent, I’ve paid off my car, paid of 2 loans and 1 credit card I kept out of the bankruptcy. Any trip I’ve taken I have paid for out of pocket. Clothes, holiday gifts, car repairs, vet bills- all paid from my checking and/or savings account.
I thought by now I’d have thousands upon thousands saved up. That was a lofty dream. I thought when Mr. Darcy moved in we’d be able to save more but purchases like a new couch or trips back east have bitten into what we’ve saved. But the point is, we ARE saving. We have a cushion. And right now we’re focused on aggressively saving so we can get out of the apartment management business and into our own home. That’s a dream we hope to actualize before next summer. I am excited and scared for this next chapter.
Despite how much work managing the building has been at times, being able to not pay rent for the last almost-4-years has been a life changer. I don’t live in the mindset of not having enough. I’ve learned to budget and save. I just hope that when it comes time to pay a mortgage I’m solid enough in my financial footing to only minorly freak out. You know, like freak out in equal proportion to the act of buying a house (because, eeek!, that’s a big deal!).
I’ve come a long way even if I still wear Converse and shop at thrift stores.
Cycle 2 Recap & Results
October 17, 2011 at 6:45 am | Posted in my neurosis | 12 CommentsToday is my first day on Cycle 3 which basically means I get to eat carbs on a daily basis. I can even have a whole wheat pita if I want. GO CRAZY! I’m kind of looking forward to it because I found Cycle 2 to be a real pain in the ass.
On Cycle 2 you have to alternate Cycle 1 and Cycle 2 menus every other day. Essentially that means that one day I could eat a small potato or a bowl of oatmeal but the next I was back to all veggies and lean proteins. Rinse, lather, repeat for 17 days. To keep track of this I had to mark which cycle day it was in my calendar. I found it annoying and cumbersome. I get that the idea behind it is to trick your metabolism into not plateau-ing and continue losing weight. It’s just a hassle to go back and forth like that.
I’m trying not to feel discourage based on the results thus far. I feel like I have been very diligent in sticking to the diet give a glass of wine here or there (on vacation, at a dinner party). I have had exactly one square of dark chocolate to appease the PMS gods. I’ve all but eliminated refined sugar and white flour from my diet. It feels good to get back to that kind of eating. I really do feel better when I don’t eat sugar.
My digital scale has been wonky. One day it’s all “you’ve lost 15 lbs!” and the next it is all “you gained 5 lbs.” How is that possible given there were only 24 hours between weigh ins? I have no idea. But today my scale told me I weigh 207.4 lbs which means I’ve dropped 12lbs since I started this diet 35 days ago. That seems like not enough given how much I work out and how well I have been eating but thems the results.
Starting Weight: 219.4
Weight after 17 Day Cycle 2: 207.4
Measurements: 2 more inches around waist & hips
Once I hit 2olbs lost, we’re gonna have a party. That will mean I’ve hit my first goal of going under 200. I’m still going to see this third cycle of the diet out to its completion and then reassess. I’ve read the results of other people on this diet and they seem to have more drastic weight loss than me. I’m not sure if the fact that I have consistently been working out for an hour 5-6 days a week during all the cycles has done anything to impact this? Or if I need to add in strength training to my dance & yoga routine? I’m considering going back to the pool 2x/week for a different work out to keep my body guessing. Mr. Darcy and I keep talking about going on walks and so far, have gone on zero.
For the most part, I feel good. My clothes are fitting better. I can see parts of my body getting smaller. I am eating less and better. This is just the first leg in a long journey towards changing my body. 34 days is a good start. 12lbs and 3 inches total around my middle lost is progress. I’m not giving up.
(I promise this is not going to become a weight loss blog.)
Where I am coming from
October 14, 2011 at 7:33 am | Posted in body image | 21 Comments
When I share about my struggle with my body image, I feel vulnerable. I do it anyway because I know there are a lot of other people out there who feel similarly and are trying to figure it out themselves. Just like when I share anything personal about myself here, I do it in the hopes that it opens up a conversation and allows other people to feel less alone. So often your responses and emails do that for me. (Thank you.)
Sometimes I feel like I am not expressing myself clearly enough. These are simple one-sided blog post that don’t flesh out all the complexities of the situation or my own thinking about it. I know that I am too hard on myself. I know that I should just love myself as is or treat myself as I treat others. But knowing these things and feeling them are separate things. I’m in therapy to heal this part of me. I talk about how I don’t like that I feel so hateful towards my own body. I’m trying to undo a lifetime of negative thinking. I’m trying to fight against distorted “socially constructed ideas of beauty” that I have taken on as my own. I’m fully aware that the mindset I have is toxic and I am actively trying to change it.
Those who encourage me to ease up on myself or just accept myself, I appreciate your support and I know you know it’s not that easy. Those who commiserate with my struggle, I’m simultaneously sorry and grateful that you can relate. But maybe we can figure this out together.
I am focused on losing weight because I do not feel comfortable at this size. I weigh too much for my frame- that’s just a fact. Bad knees run in my family and mine are hurting more as I get older. I want to have a baby in the next couple years and I’d like to not carry all this weight plus baby weight. Again, my frame and my knees will take the brunt of it. I am not seeking to be thin. I just want to be lighter. That might be 30lbs. That might be 60lbs. I don’t know because it’s been a long time since I dropped more than 35lbs. I don’t even know what my body will look like when I drop 20lbs. I’m taking this week by week. I’m certain that my comfortable weight will not be what doctors recommend (125lbs for 5’3″ frame) and will be what many would consider “plus-sized” or “voluptuous”. I’m okay with that because I like being curvy. It suits my personality and the style of clothing I prefer.
I guess I’m spelling all this out to clarify that I’m not seeking to be what most would consider skinny. I am doing this to feel better about myself and YES, for me, I feel better about myself when I am lighter. Maybe my way isn’t the way someone else would choose but that’s just going to have to be okay. Because we all have to find our own path to personal happiness, right?
Tipping the Internal Scale
October 13, 2011 at 7:20 am | Posted in body image, health | 15 CommentsThe whole thing with losing weight is I feel bad about myself being heavy and I feel bad about myself on a diet.
When I am living my life heavy, I walk around feeling bad about how big I am. But when I am on a diet, I get so hung up on doing it perfectly that I walk around feeling guilty and on guard. I don’t like feeling either of those ways.
When I am on a diet I feel in control but that’s a slippery slope. I only feel good when I am being “good”- eating the approved foods. Last night I was cooking food to bring to friends and it’s not on my approved list but I needed to taste it to make sure I wasn’t bringing grossness over. (It was delicious, btw, and I wished I could eat more of it.) The two bites I had plagued me with guilt. Really. After I had done an hour of yoga and an hour of dance that day.
COME ON, SELF! This is an exhausting way to live.
I’ve been wondering- am I telling myself that I am not the type of person who can just be okay with what she looks like fat and all or is that actually true? Is what is true for me what I tell myself? I don’t know how to tell myself that being bigger isn’t a big deal. I don’t know how to accept it. I want to be lighter because in being lighter in body, I will be lighter in spirit. All this bullshit won’t weigh on me- literally and figuratively.
Mr. Darcy and I have talked about this a lot. He’s being super supportive and encouraging and I appreciate it very much. During our last joint couple’s counseling session it came up and I started to feel defensive. It sounded like he was saying I don’t like myself – myself in my entirety. But that’s not true (and he didn’t really mean it that way). I’ve worked really hard over the years to like who I am. It’s this one thing. This one area- my body image- that holds me back.
I’m trying to figure out why this is, why can’t I let go, why can’t I accept, why can’t I be loving to myself. So far all I’ve come up with is that being fat has given me an excuse for most of my life. An excuse to not 100% live my life fully. It’s given me something to blame when I feel rejected. It’s been the theme of my woe-is-me story. I don’t have the answer yet but I know that I am sick and tired of the excuses. Because I want to live in that 100% bracket.
A Little Get Away
October 10, 2011 at 7:21 am | Posted in adventures | 17 CommentsMr. Darcy and I left town for a night to meet up with one of his best friends and his girlfriend in Port Townsend. They were coming from Philly by way of Portland by way of Victoria, BC to Port Townsend. We had a much easier trip.
Leaving Seattle
We took the ferry to Bainbridge Island then drove about an hour and a half to Port Townsend. We stopped off in Chimacum to grab a drink at a gas station mini-mart which is where a woman asked us to help her find Arizona tea in apple flavor. It had to be apple because her son specifically requested it. Her son that was at home drinking tequila. She kept reminding us of that. Apparently apple is the only flavor that goes with tequila. She was not that old though time had not been kind to her. Probably having a son at home drinking tequila at 1:30pm on a Saturday didn’t help. Stay klassy, Chimacum.
Port Townsend is a quaint little town. No, really- it is small. We checked into a motel (definitely not a hotel) by the harbor then went into town for a bite. We were at that odd hour right before dinner where restaurants weren’t really open so after wandering around and getting hungrier and hungrier, I finally was like WE ARE EATING HERE when we came upon a restaurant that was actually open. I was about to rip off Mr. Darcy’s face and eat it. The food was totally overpriced but good. The potato & corn chowder was delicious. And I think that would be true still even if I wasn’t famished.
The views were pretty spectacular.
Once our friends arrived we already had a lay of the land and had scoped out places we could go. We spent the evening catching up and having some drinks in a cozy little bar and I crashed out at 11pm. I did go off my diet a bit and had some wine. I was regretting that around 3am when I woke up with a beast of a dehydration headache. It’s hard to travel and be on such a strict eating regime. Sigh.
Obligatory trip self-portrait.
The next day we were up early, so early that we had to wander the empty streets to kill time until the breakfast placed open at 10:30. Even most of the shops were closed still! We took some local’s advice and checked out Fort Worden.
We walked along the beach and admired the view.
We headed back towards Bainbridge and somehow managed to get on an earlier ferry. I was all set for a 50 minute wait when the line kept moving and there we were, on the ferry. We parked and a second later the boat was moving. Woo hoo! No long wait.
Oh Seattle, I love you so.
We decided to throw an impromptu dinner party for our visiting friends so I whipped up some beef chili and sour cream cheddar biscuits.
This recipe is delicious. Thanks Smitten Kitchen!
We all hung out until after 10 which means I am one tired girl today.
It was worth it though.
Fashion Forward 3
October 7, 2011 at 7:13 am | Posted in fashion | 24 CommentsThis is what I wore this week:
I got a lot of compliments on this dress and also some, "Why are you dressed up?" questions. I just like dresses! OKAY!
Dress: Land’s End (needs to be hemmed so it hits right below the knee)
Shoes: DSW, Seychelles
Necklace: Gift from Kerri
I own two pairs of pants- both trouser jeans. (This does not account for my workout gear.) It is rare to see me in pants.
Jeans: Target
Shirt: Lane Bryant
Sweater: Thrifted
Scarf: Old Navy
Shoes: TJ Maxx, Diesel
(Note to self: Move the mirror so that a full body shot is easier to capture.)
I have worn the hell out of this dress. I wear it at least 1-2x week. BUT NOT ANYMORE. Dot ate a huge chunk out of the hem. And guess what? I didn't realize it until AFTER I had worn it to work and was changing back into my work clothes after lunchtime yoga. (Damn cat!)
Dress: Target
Tank Top: Target
Shoes: Target
Earrings: Target
THIS OUTFIT IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY TARGET.
Ahem…
Since I barely got to wear my beloved striped dress the day before I decided to wear the same dress in different material the next day. (No one noticed.) Bonus? This dress used to make me very self-conscious because it would hug my stomach but since my stomach is slowly getting smaller, I felt good in it.
Dress: Target
Boots: Target
Tank Top: Target
Scarf: Old Navy
Earrings: Old Navy
Clearly, I mostly shop at Target, Old Navy and thrift stores.
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