Home Again

November 30, 2011 at 12:03 pm | Posted in travel | 13 Comments

Despite the wretchedness that is traveling across country, our trip to New Jersey was well worth it. We spent a couple days in Philadelphia, sightseeing and hanging out with old friends of Mr. Darcy’s. He showed me around the historic sights like the Liberty Bell (I felt very liberated) and Betsy Ross’s house which was conveniently located near a Starbucks. Side note: I rarely go out for coffee (a tea drinker in a coffee town, for shame!) but when I travel I MUST go to Starbucks. I think it helps me feel connected to my adopted hometown.

City Hall, Phladelphia style

On our way to . . . uh, Ben Franklin's house? (clearly I don't have the memory for historic facts like Mr. Darcy)

His parents took us to the Jersey Shore where their family spends a couple weeks every summer. But not his dad who is not a fan of the beach (sacrilege!). His mom brought baggies so I could fill them with NJ sand and seashells to take home (which are now displayed in our WA home).  While we were there, we saw a rainbow.

Ship Bottom, New Jersey after a storm

I tried on Mr. Darcy’s grandmothers engagement ring while we were there. It fit my finger which, if memory serves, his mom proclaimed “was a sign!”. I like it for its simplicity but more for the sentimental value attached. Mr. Darcy was incredibly close to his grandfather. His grandpa loved his wife very, very much even though to most people she was a hard pill to swallow. He loved her so much that after she passed, he didn’t wait long to join her. They say he died of a broken heart. But Mr. Darcy likes some of the other rings we’ve looked at better. I believe his words were “they have more sparkle”. So, we’ll see. He’s getting a lot of flack for taking so long to pop the question. From his family and yes, from me. When we checked into our hotel the desk clerk referred to him as my husband to which I flashed my left hand and said “Husband? I don’t see a ring.” He likes to retell this story to anyone who listen as a way to razz me back.

Thanksgiving with the Darcy’s means I get my butt kicked in Parcheesi by a Darcy clan member. Usually it’s his 10 year old niece but this time Darcy beat us both (twice!). His niece and I are a lot alike- enjoying crafting and Just Dance 2 and the movie “The Princess Bride”. We bonded over our mutual love of organization stores like Storables and of office supplies. She is asking for pens and socks for Christmas. His nephew who is 12 and very energetic adores his uncle and they talk nerd endlessly. It’s pretty cute to see. I let him beat me at Just Dance 3 to his choice of song- a Daft Punk song that had us dancing very robotically. The Thanksgiving meal is always delicious and there was practically a dessert per person which sent most of us over the edge.

An attempt to snap a family portrait. This seems about accurate.

The trip home is always brutal. We are tired from sleeping in foreign beds and weary of people and each other. I am usually desperate for vegetables and my work out routine. Our flight home left Philly around 2, went to Dallas, TX where we had less than an hour to grab food and find our gate and discovered that we were no sitting together. I was stuck in the bulkhead between two men. The man on my left was very lanky and insisted on taking off his shoes for the flight. His feet stank. The man on the right of me ordered five adult beverages during the duration of the 4 hour flight, prompting the flight attendant to inquire if he had someone picking him up when we landed. I endured my second viewing of the wanna-be “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” movie “Monte Carlo” because I was trapped on an airplane, exhausted and not really into my book. Seattle had never looked so good with its cold rainy gray. Finally home, the cats greeted us with cat barf on our bed. I think that means they missed us but are covering their sadness with pukey rage.

It’s good to be home.

Home Run

November 29, 2011 at 8:15 am | Posted in house hunting | 27 Comments

Sometimes I feel like people think I have it easy since I have this cushy job where I live that affords me the luxury of not paying rent. It’s like they forget that I had to apply and be selected for the position, that I worked for 3 years solo as the manager while holding down another full-time job, that I have had to deal with all the bullshit that comes with managing people in a shared living space. I chose to take this extra job on for financial reasons- who wouldn’t be lured by the opportunity to not pay rent? But I’ve never slacked off and always done this job to my highest standards.The reward of being able to pay down my debt and save is well-deserved. We don’t get places without effort, planning, and commitment. And for the past 4 years, there has been a lot of that for me.

For the past couple months Mr. Darcy and I have been putting into our joint savings what we think the high-end of a mortgage payment might be for us. I didn’t want us to buy a house and all of sudden feel like we had no money- going from paying zero rent to a mortgage plus utilities plus all the stuff that inevitably will break and we’ll need to repair on our dime. Right now we want at least 3-6 more months of aggressive saving before we’d be comfortable moving. A huge bubble of fear rises up in me when I think of leaving the safety net of not having to pay rent. All those years where I struggled financially and ultimately filed for bankruptcy gnaw at me and I can’t always think clearly when that old fearful voice that freaks out about money is yammering on in my ear. (Shut up, fearmonger!)

It’s a big leap going from apartment managing to home ownership. Sure, we’ll no longer have to manage noise complaints among neighbors but we’ll now have to pay out of our pocket when the toilet isn’t flushing properly or there is an electrical problem. We’ve decided that we’re okay with that though. We’re at that place in our life where we’re willing to do take on those risks of home ownership rather than continue to live in a cramped, albeit cozy, one bedroom apartment. We want a yard, a dog, a guest room, a big kitchen with lots of counter space (ok, that’s all me), and a place big enough to throw dinner parties (again, that might be all me). We’re ready to leave the urban life for one that might be a bit more residential. We’re past the days of going out drinking until all hours, stumbling home drunk, and our biggest priority being proximity to clubs. We’re 38 years old. That isn’t our lifestyle anymore.

It’s taken me some time to swallow that truth because I’ve been fighting against getting older. The gray hairs, the laugh lines, the fatigue by 10pm, the idea of going over to a friend’s house for a small dinner party sounding way more appealing than a night at a bar- these are my truth. I used to think I was so behind- having not met my person until later in life, being a financial fuck up for most of my 20′s, not owning a home or having a kid as I get closer and closer to 40- but everyone has their own path and this one is mine. I’m slowly accepting that where we are at- two people who found each other in their mid-30′s who want to get hitched, pop out a kid, adopt a dog, and make a house into a home- is the best place for me.

We met with a realtor last night. We liked her a lot and are going to move forward with her representing us. We’ve been clear that we’re not in a hurry and don’t want to settle for just any house. We’ve got a good situation here managing the building and can take our time to find the perfect house for us. The excitement of what’s ahead is outweighing the fear.

 

A New (Out)Look

November 18, 2011 at 7:48 am | Posted in etc | 16 Comments

I’m pondering a face lift.

A blog face lift.

I would like to change the look here but more importantly, change the way I present myself. For years I have gone around saying”neurotic is the new normal” on here. My default category on any post is “my neurosis”. It seemed fitting then but now? Not so much. Sure, I’m still going to share parts of my emotional journey on here but not from a place of I-am-fucked-up. I don’t feel bogged down in my neurosis.

Have you ever read your archives like a book? Because, that’s what I am about to endeavor to do. I’m going to clean up the categories, the bio, maybe even lose the links page. And for the cherry on top of this makeover sundae, get a new header and layout. One that feels more in line with who I am and my life now. If you know anyone who can do a quick and easy layout clean up & insert a custom header, please let me know!

I’m going to the East Coast come Sunday so that means no posts next week. I’m hoping during my travels a light bulb will go off and I’ll come up with my new tag line. If you have any suggestions, I’m all ears.

Have a great week, a wonderful holiday, and know I am thankful for you.

Speaking Truth, Facing Fear

November 16, 2011 at 8:32 am | Posted in family, journey to acceptance, life lessons, light bulb moments | 14 Comments

One of the things that is hard about changing yourself is that you have to figure out how to be in relationship with people in a new way. This can prove to be especially challenging when it comes to relationships that have been around a long time. If the changes you’ve made upset the general make up of the status quo in the relationship, you’re going to need to have a chat with them. Or, you could just avoid the relationship. Which, telling you from experience, will only work for a short period of time and then you’re probably going to have to suck it up and talk.

You see, I have this mental list of people I need to have a sit down with. A Relationship Summit type of talk if you will. Because I no longer feel like I can comfortably exist in the confines of the relationship without speaking up about the truth of my feelings and my heart’s hope for the future of our relationship.

Am I looking forward to doing this? Um, no. Absolutely not. I’m pretty much postponing it for as long as I can and/or avoiding any deep conversation with these folks. I figure I will a) eventually get so uncomfortable, I will be forced to do it or b) they will call me out on being weird/different and I can’t lie my way out of it (Note: I am a terrible liar) or c) I find my bravery and just do it. C would be preferable.  Now if I could only find my bravery.

This weekend my mom and I had lunch. I will admit I was anxious about it because from my perspective, my mom and I have not been getting along for a couple of months years. Lately, I’ve been avoiding having any one-on-one time with her in an effort to keep a hard conversation at bay. I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want to get hurt. Blah, blah, blah. I had a lot of reasons but really it all boiled down to fear.

My relationship with my mom isn’t one I go into here very often. She reads my blog (hi mom) and for the most part, I’ve found it easier to talk about my other parent, the one who passed away 19 years ago. I’ve spent a long time in the throes of my grief over my relationship with my dad and it’s just recently that I feel a sense of acceptance and peace with it which I guess is why I now feel like I can face my relationship with my mom.

Basically, my mom and I have some deep stuff to work out and there was no way it was going to get better or we were going to have the closeness I (we) want without a heart-to-heart. I’ve spent most of my life putting up a barrier between my family and me as a way of keeping me safe because I didn’t feel emotionally safe in the family. I acted like I had it covered, that I was strong, that I didn’t need anyone when in truth what I wanted and needed was the exact opposite. I have come off as angry and ferociously independent to the point that it has alienated me from them. My mom has given me space because she didn’t know what else to do. To her it seemed like that is what I wanted and that I didn’t like her or being around her.

The last thing I wanted was space. I can admit that now and did so to my mom over salads at a restaurant where hits from my high school years played over the speakers and I tried to hide that I was crying from the other diners.

I didn’t want that space. I wanted my mom to see I was hurting and stuck under a burden of pain that I didn’t know how to give voice to. My mom did the best she could in a difficult situation. I can empathize with her, especially now as a grown up trying to have a successful, healthy relationship with Mr. Darcy. Through tears we managed to talk through some very difficult subject matter. I really can’t recall ever telling my mom that my feelings were hurt before- maybe when I was a kid but not as an adult. But there I was, saying it, while “Tainted Love” played.

The thing is- I want to have a good relationship with my mom. I want us to enjoy each other. I don’t want to waste any more time being angry about stuff that can’t be changed. It turns out I just needed my mom to hear I was hurt and for her to acknowledge it and say “I’m sorry”. I don’t know if I could have had that conversation any earlier as much as I wish I hadn’t wasted time being mad or feeling hurt. Everything happens in its own time, right? I’m just grateful that we took that first step towards healing. I hope we can both continue to work on our relationship and have fun together again.

I’m pondering the other conversations I need to have and trying to work up the courage to start them. If I ultimately want closeness with people it’s going to take me being vulnerable and brave. I’m going to have to speak up. I’m going to have to acknowledge my feelings and my behavior. Because if I really am different, than this is part of the new me.

On Being Different

November 10, 2011 at 8:31 am | Posted in my neurosis | 21 Comments

For the majority of my adult years I have defined myself as a person who is an adult child of an alcoholic. I  let the circumstances of a handful of years shape my identity. Yes, I am an adult child of an alcoholic. But I am so much more than that and I am starting to actually see it and believe it.

I’ve noticed that I haven’t been thinking about my dad like I used to. What I mean by that is, I don’t feel choked by the grief of it all anymore. My father was many things and among them, he was a drinker, and his drinking impacted my life. But it does not have to set the parameters for my emotional state.

I think about my dad now, miss him, and sometimes wonder what it would be like if he had lived and we had gotten to know each other. As a grown up, I feel a deep sense of sadness for him because I can empathize with how much he struggled against his demons and ultimately lost. And while I feel sad I also think that his life was a lesson for my life. I have been in therapy off and on for most of my adult life and through it, have found an acceptance of myself and a sense of peace I don’t know if my dad ever felt. I didn’t really know my dad, the man he was inside. I’ll probably always be sad about that on some level.

But, and this is a big but, I no longer want to define myself within the confines of the role I played in a dysfunctional family dynamic. Not wanting it and not doing it are different though. The awareness of my role and how it has shaped me is one thing. The unlearning old patterns of behavior is quite another. But I’ve been doing just that- working diligently to not do the same old shit with results that are less than satisfying. I don’t want to be the one with all the answers, the one who handles everything, the one everyone can rely on no matter what, the one who says “it’s ok” and dismisses my own heart when my feelings have been hurt.

This is a new thing- this saying “that hurt me” to someone. I have spent my life being the strong one. I have avoided vulnerability because I didn’t want to live without my protective armor up. The other day I had an angry reaction to something Mr. Darcy did. I was on my way home and was just stewing in the negativity of the feelings but I couldn’t seem to pinpoint the WHY of it. I knew there was something deeper than the surface issue. So instead of going home and ripping Mr. Darcy’s face off with a diatribe of vitriol, I called a friend. Luckily she answered and through venting to her, I found out what the heart of the problem was for me.

Two things are amazing about this: 1) I called someone instead of just going off half-cocked and being reactionary or arriving home, clamoring around the apartment angrily but saying I was “fine” (old way of being, meet new way of being!) and 2) I was able to sort through to the deeper issue that was triggering me. It was not the surface issue that was the thing getting under my skin. It was that I didn’t feel valued and I needed to tell Mr. Darcy that.

GULP.

And tell him,  I did. It was not an easy conversation because I was trying to be brave through the fear of admitting that I had been hurt. And I had to manage my own disjointed, chaotic emotions while being confronted with his reactions to what I was saying. But I did it. And that’s the point- I stopped an old pattern and tried a new way. It was scary and uncomfortable and . . . the right thing to do. Loving Mr. Darcy helps me grow in an abundance of ways. I’m so grateful to have a partner who works through this muck with me.

This is just one of the ways I am noticing my shift in my definition of myself: I’m actually embracing the fact that my feelings matter.

 

I took your vote to the salon.

November 8, 2011 at 7:02 am | Posted in reader participation, vanity | 34 Comments

Before:

What my hair looked like before the cut & color.

After:

Your overwhelming votes for option 1 resulted in this.

I am still getting used to having that much hair touching my forehead but the feedback from those who have seen it is very positive. I have gotten over the initial shock of exposing my ears all the livelong day too. I like it. I really do. Thanks for voting friends!

Bonus shot (to show off the red color in the sun):

Red hue in the park. I love how stopping on your walk home from the salon to take self-portraits has become the norm.

And The Winner Is. . .

November 7, 2011 at 7:49 am | Posted in giveaway | 5 Comments

This is how it went down:

I went old school and wrote down all your names plus those who tweeted about it WITH PAPER.

Then I scrambled them all up like paper eggs and grabbed one out of the bowl.

 

And out came Abby of Bright Yellow World fame. Congratulations Abby!

If you didn’t win, don’t cry. You can still place your order for one! We’d love to get a head start and start working on your orders now so please send me an email at sizzlesays at gmail dot com.

Thanks for participating everyone!

Cycle 3 Recap & Results

November 3, 2011 at 6:14 am | Posted in health, journey to acceptance | 15 Comments

This cycle felt a lot like my usual way of eating. I (mostly) steered clear of sugar (hello, it was Halloween) and white flour but added back in whole grain bread. I had a few glasses of wine and noticed that wine and I don’t get along as well. Think – headache the next day from 1-2 glasses. I worked out the same amount- my typical 5-6 dance classes a week plus yoga. It all felt very normal. Very non-diet-like.

For some reason in the last week people started to notice I’ve lost weight. Co-workers and friends have commented. I do feel lighter even if I have a long way yet to go. Clothes that were snug or didn’t fit before now are staples in my wardrobe. Coats button without being tight. My work out clothes feel loose around my mid-section. My jaw line is more pronounced. It feels good to be able to see the changes not just feel them.

I’ve cumulatively lost 14 pounds and about 3 inches around my middle since I started 51 days ago which, if I am doing the math correctly, equals out to about .27 lbs per day or half a pound loss per week.

Starting weight: 219.4

Weight after 17 Day Cycle 3: 205.5

Measurements: total loss of 3 inches around waist & hips, 1 inch around thigh, half an inch from upper arm, and 1.5 inches from the bust

So what now? I am  and starting back on Cycle 1 because clearly I have not reached my weight loss goal. I’m not particularly looking forward to existing on lean proteins, veggie, fruit and non-fat yogurt again. It’s super limiting and requires a lot of pre-planning and meal preparation. I am determined to get below 200 pounds before Christmas. Once I hit that goal, I will set another. And then another. Good thing I am motivated by goals, right?

I anticipate I will have to modify it in the next month. With how busy I am at work plus travel plus all the socializing that comes with the holiday season, it’s going to be difficult but I can do it. No, I WILL DO IT. I’m also going to try to add some pool time and free weights a couple of days a week. I’m not yet at that place where I feel like if I went off the diet regime I would be able to keep losing weight. The regime gives me structure and that helps me at this stage in the game. I’ll now do monthly weigh-ins instead of every 17 days.

The journey continues. . .

***

It’s not too late to enter the Custom Caricature Key Chain Holder giveaway! Or to spread the word about it. Contest is open until Sunday at 6pm PST.

Hairstyle: Vote for your favorite!

November 2, 2011 at 6:22 am | Posted in my neurosis | 20 Comments

I’m getting my hair cut and colored on Saturday. I’m torn between having longer hair on my forehead or cutting it into more of a pixie.

This is what I look like (in case you forgot).

There are the two options that I am vacillating between. I realize I am splitting hairs (HA! I’m punny!) between the two but indulge me.

OPTION 1

Longer over the forehead, shorter in the back, showing some ear

OPTION 2

Textured at the forehead and short all around.

My whole live I have been drawn to hairstyles that aren’t entirely suitable for my hair type. I have very thick, wavy, full bodied hair. I like hairstyles for women with less hair that is more fine and has no wave. MY LIFE IS SO FULL OF CHALLENGES.

(I’m being sarcastic.)

So help a sister out and vote for the one you think will look best on me.

Custom Caricature Key Chain Holders- You know you want one.

November 1, 2011 at 6:51 am | Posted in crafty, giveaway | 41 Comments

It’s November. Can you believe it? That means we’ve got something like 55 days until Christmas, right? Aack! Sorry to panic you.

With the holidays breathing down our necks, Mr. Darcy and I thought we’d extend a unique opportunity to the readers of Sizzle Says. Remember that key chain holder I roped Mr. Darcy into painting for us a while back? Let me refresh your memory:

Sizzle & Darcy Key Chain Holder: The Original in Action

Yeah. That one.

Well, we made a couple of others. See?

These were both commissioned wedding gifts.

And now, we’re offering to make one for you or for your friend or your sister or whoever you think might like one. They make great gifts- wedding, house-warming, or the holidays! For a limited time we’re going to be taking orders on these custom caricature key chain holders for $75 each (includes shipping only to US and Canada, other countries, we can negotiate). We can do a couple or one person or maybe even a pet (great for hanging their leash).

Please allow 2-4 weeks for delivery (depending on how many requests we get). We guarantee that you will receive it in time for Christmas. If you would like to place an order, please email me at sizzlesays at gmail dot com.

BONUS! GIVE AWAY! We will give one custom caricature key chain holder away to a lucky winner. To enter: 1) Comment on this post and/or 2) Tweet the url of this post and cc @sizzlesays so I know to count you for another entry.

We’ll accept entries until Sunday, Nov. 6th at 6pm PST. Winner will be announced on Monday, Nov. 7th.

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