Come What May

December 30, 2011 at 2:41 pm | Posted in journey to acceptance | 13 Comments

I felt a lot of feelings in 2011.

I don’t know how else to say it except like that. I posted less than I ever have but looking back I’d say I felt more than I ever have. Or rather, I allowed myself to feel.

Therapy was instrumental in all this feeling business though my relationship with Mr. Darcy is at the center of it all. He keeps me grounded with his unconditional love & acceptance and listens to me while I whirl through my many moods. Our relationship has given me permission to be kinder to myself. Sure, I still have hang ups but I’m slowly accepting my imperfections. I would even venture to say that 2011 was the year I dropped the word “neurotic” as an adjective when describing myself. Can I get an amen? I also found peace when it comes to my relationship with my dad. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be able to say that, let alone feel it.

I’m terming 2011 as The Year of Feeling because instead of using my default method of over-thinking Every.Single.Thing, I’ve started to let myself feel. I’m trying to slow down and not use as many defenses. It’s often totally confusing and complicated and I have been known to freak out. (AHEM) But you don’t get good at something without practice. So. . .I’m practicing. All over the place. (Warning: if you’re around me, you might get practiced on.)

While I lost some weight, I’m still and probably always will be trying to figure out how to accept myself- chub and flaws and all. I think the greatest gifts in my shift to healthy living was how much I enjoy working out (thank you, Nia!) and how much better I feel when I don’t eat sugar or white flour. Eating right for my body and working up a sweat make me a saner, more loving, and a more engaged person. I like that girl! I want to be her all the time! I aim to do much more of that in 2012 because goddamnit it’s high time I feel worthwhile.

There are other things I hope to continue and/or revisit in 2012. I miss having a steady yoga practice. The yoga offered at lunchtime once a week at my office is nice but it’s nothing like the studio I used to go to. I really want to give myself that time/space back even if it costs me too much to do that and Nia. Even going once a week to the studio I think will really steady me. I have been longing to get back to meditation too. I wasn’t very good at it but I really did feel more calm & centered for the effort. People might see me as this energetic, frenzied person but inside I long to be a peaceful, centered, graceful woman. I would like someone to use the words “poised” or “in tune” or “joyful” to describe me. I think yoga helps me find that part of me that isn’t easily cultivated in my day to day life as an event planner/apartment manager/social butterfly.

2012 is poised to be a big year for me. Career-wise, I’ve made some serious headway on my event planning business. I’ve got a name, a logo, and a web designer plus am very close to finalizing my business plan. (YAHOO!) There is talk of a ring, a wedding, and a house to call our own. If that isn’t “big” I don’t know what is. Hell, let’s throw in a puppy and a pregnancy and I’ll have checked off my adult life list basically.

I’m joking.

One thing at a time.

Which is nice to say and mean because as I get older and time whizzes by faster and faster, all I really want to do is savor this life, the beauty in it, the small moments of connection and the people I am blessed to share my journey with. I am excited for what is ahead and grateful that 2011 gave me the opportunity to go deeper into my relationship with myself so that my relationships with everyone else could shift and deepen.

Be Merry, Be Light

December 21, 2011 at 8:05 am | Posted in holidays | 14 Comments

I’m taking a bit of a break from blogging to enjoy the holiday season. I’ll be back with gusto soon enough.

I hope each of you has a very merry and joyful holiday season. Be of good cheer. Toast to your blessings. Laugh until your belly hurts. Hug and kiss your loved ones, even the exasperating ones.

Since I don’t know all your addresses, here’s our Christmas card.

Burst or Build

December 20, 2011 at 8:20 am | Posted in my neurosis | 31 Comments

I am not particularly good at expressing my deep down wants. I tend to be more practical and I weigh all sides of big decisions. There is a part of me that has that “gut instinct” but when it comes to things like buying a house, picking out a ring, deciding on the person I am hoping to spend the rest of my life with, I don’t just jump in. I always thought I was impetuous but upon inspection, that is not the case. For me the feeling builds and when I listen to it, I begin to trust it.

I expressed my worry and disappointment in myself to Mr. Darcy. “Why can’t I just feel that this-is-the-one feeling? Maybe something is wrong with me? Other people say they feel it, but I don’t.”  He explained that it’s not that I don’t know what I want but that I am cautious when making big decisions and very pragmatic about my approach to them. For example, when I looked at engagement rings I was clear that I liked this one or do not like that one but that feeling of OH MY GOD THIS IS IT that people say they get? I don’t have that. I’ve spent my life tempering my deepest desires with a practical protection from being that vulnerable and raw. I get the why of it; I just feel like I am missing out on something.

I’ve talked to friends about this as well. Some people are more easily in touch with that flare of feeling whereas others are like me in that they know what they like but it isn’t this dramatic overwhelming feeling. What type are you?

When Things Break

December 19, 2011 at 8:30 am | Posted in everyday frustrations, my neurosis | 22 Comments

The moment you declare you are aggressively saving money, the Universe will throw back its head and laugh. Then make the screen on your 1.5 year old flat screen television go out.

We were not in the market to buy a new tv but we bought one this weekend, much to our savings account’s dismay. This is after having to buy a replacement computer since my old desktop was constantly running its fan and had a virus. And of course, after Christmas shopping which is always like a Joanie Greggains aerobics class for my bank account.

(Does anyone remember Joanie Greggains? I used to work out to her show on tv as a kid with my Mom.)

I digress. The point is we’re set back a bit on the savings and January is going to wear a very tight belt. That’s okay. I’m going to be on a strict eating/working out regime anyhow so the belts will be tight all around. I’m trying to have a non-panicked attitude about it. It’s ok! It’s just money. And we’re lucky to be in the position we are, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda. Mr. Darcy’s mom sent us a holiday card with 3 wise men on it. She said she’d heard that if you put it above your door you will bring wealth to your home. I stuck it up there immediately. Within 5 minutes it fell down. So I put more tape on it and stuck it up real good because COME ON FINANCIAL SECURITY!

If it falls down again, I’m just going to staple it to the wall.

Besides freaking out about money, I cried a lot this weekend. First, I thought it was because I didn’t like my new haircut. I went in to get the same exact cut as last time since I loved it so much but then she got over-zealous with the scissors and left me with a very short ‘do (even for me!). I’m disappointed since I had my heart set on a certain look. The bright side is my hair grows like weeds so this shouldn’t last more than a couple weeks. I just feel very EXPOSED and my face feels big and long without the bangs and hair over my ears. Oh vanity, you are not becoming.

I wasn’t really crying about my hair even if my sadness over the cut sparked the feelings. I’m still not 100% sure the root of the crying but I’m pretty sure it had something (everything) to do with fear. Just fear about the future, about finances, about the big choices looming before us, about Mr. Darcy potentially proposing to me in the near future. I was talking to my book club friends about that this weekend. I told them how I was never that girl who dreamed of her wedding or planned it in her head as a kid. I never thought I would get married. I never let myself think someone would ever ask me. I was so desperately afraid I’d never be asked that I convinced myself it was something I didn’t need or want or desire. My low self-esteem drove that thought process and I’m still, at 38, trying to come to grips with this notion that someone wants to spend the rest of their life with me. A lot of feelings of unworthiness bubble up. I worry I will fuck it up, that he’ll change his mind, that we’ll hurt each other or worse, lose one another. It’s twisted to think that by avoiding the commitment and the depth of caring I’ll somehow save myself heartache when in reality, it’s no way to live not connected to your own emotions and your heart. To not take the leap and risk it all.

So I am trying to feel the feelings and let Mr. Darcy in. I push away a lot but he persists and I can’t thank him enough for not giving up and for loving me, even when I am a weeping, red-faced girl who doesn’t have the words to explain that I want this and him and our life so badly. I do. I do. I do. I’m hoping the tears made way for new feelings – good ones like hope and trust and love.

Next

December 15, 2011 at 7:59 am | Posted in holidays | 11 Comments

Life is a whole lot easier when you can take a hot shower and pee in your own toilet, I’ll say that much. I’m not as despondent over the house situation as I was yesterday though I am not really letting myself think about it. I appreciate all the support and kind words you shared with me. It really does help. Our part of the plumbing nightmare is over but sadly our downstairs neighbor must endure multiple repairmen to get her bathroom back to pristine, pretty order- drywall guy and painter and tiler, oh my!

I’ve decided to not look at houses for the remainder of the month- just giving myself a break from it all since my tendency is to get borderline obsessive about big things. I’m going to focus my time on merriment- holiday gatherings, our plump, twinkly Christmas tree, spiking my cocoa, and finishing my Christmas cards. All that worry can wait until the new year. Now is the time focus on what is in front of me.

Last night was my office holiday party which, of course, I helped plan. The White Elephant gift exchange is always a hoot with my co-workers though 50 people participated so it was kind of dragging. I couldn’t just watch it haphazardly happen so I jumped on the mic to make idle commentary and move it all along. I’m never quite sure if I love or hate this quality of mine (that I can’t watch painfully slow, boring things occur in a public setting). Regardless, Mr. Darcy and I won a cruise voucher from a drawing (it wasn’t rigged!) and we’re debating if the fees and airplane tickets make it worth it. I don’t know. . . the Caribbean sounds pretty spectacular.

The rest of my week/end is packed with volunteering, Mr. Darcy’s office party (yay, nerd party!), book club, hair cut, dance & yoga classes and a holiday open house. I don’t know about you but it’s certainly beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Flushed

December 14, 2011 at 8:12 am | Posted in house hunting, the super | 18 Comments

I’ve had to pee in my next door neighbor’s bathroom since last night.

Let me explain: Our bathroom is currently unusable except  for the sink thanks to shoddy plumbing in our old building. Our downstairs neighbor alerted us to a dripping sound coming from her walls and condensation that later lead to a leak near the ceiling. I knew it was going to be a big problem. Drips and leaks are not something you ever want to have happen.

So since yesterday her ceiling is ripped out and a portion of her wall is torn out exposing wet, rotted walls and the beginnings of black mold. We aren’t able to use our toilet or our shower until tonight when they’ve (hopefully) replaced the pipes. Apparently whoever owned the building prior did a half-assed job repairing leaks- there is old duct tape and excessive use of caulk. Plus, they set it up so that the  toilet pipes link to the shower pipes and that is not good as per the plumber. What do I know about pipes and leaks? I’m an event planner.

Our landlords did not offer to put us up in a hotel and instead of trying to stay elsewhere, sleeping on a blow up bed or something, we decided to just tough it out and stay. Our neighbor is in New Zealand until the new year and Mr. Darcy was smart in remembering that. She’s the hoarder lady but she had recently cleaned up her place so thankfully it’s not scary to go in there. It does, however, suck to have to leave you house to go use the bathroom. And we can’t even flush it because her pipes are connected to the problem. It’s just a better alternative  since ours is going to be removed then replaced today.

Related: Once you hear you can’t use your bathroom you will be struck with a feeling of having to pee and it will persist throughout your ordeal. Trust me on this.

I woke up this morning to discover that the one house we liked so far in our search went from active to pending. My heart broke a little reading this. The combination of no working bathroom in our current home combined with the disheartening news that the house we started to get excited about was gone pushed me to tears. I’m just so done living in an apartment and being a manager. I’m done handling other people’s problems, complaints and inconsiderate behavior. I’m done feeling cramped, done with switching cars in the driveway so that Mr. Darcy can get out to go to work, done with no kitchen space, no space to throw a party and no yard. D-O-N-E. I’m done in my heart and it makes it hard to enjoy being here. But here is where we are stuck for the next few months (hopefully) as we figure this out.

We were set to meet our realtor this Sunday at that house we had our hopes on to really discuss it in earnest and then to look at some other houses in the area. But the idea of looking now just seems wrong to me. We aren’t in a place to make an offer because we don’t know how much we have for a down payment (it’s being generously gifted to us) and the rules around how long we have to have that money in our account before we can use it. We don’t have the savings we want in our own bank account either and have said we’d like a couple more months of aggressive saving to really feel ok with moving. And yet that house made us feel like we could risk it and take a leap. I knew this could happen. I was warned about it. I just didn’t know I’d feel so sad.

I’ve told Mr. Darcy that I need to hold off on house hunting until we get our financial ducks in a row. We need to know how much we have for the down payment and meet with our broker first before I can feel comfortable looking in earnest. I’m not good at window shopping. I started imaging us living in that house and now I know what it feels like to foolishly dream when you don’t have the financial reality behind it. I’m sure I’ll move past the sadness. I needed a taste of it to be able to temper my emotions moving forward in our search. I just never imagined I’d be crying about it while peeing in my neighbor’s toilet.

Christmas isn’t Christmas without sugar-laden baked goods.

December 12, 2011 at 8:36 am | Posted in holidays, in the kitchen | 21 Comments

Every year I bake cookies. Growing up I remember fondly spending time with my family in the kitchen baking holiday cookies. It’s a tradition I’ve kept alive and one I really enjoy. For the past couple years I have baked and given away the sweets to my tenants. There is a bittersweet feeling to doing that this year because I hope this will be the final holiday we will be living in and managing this apartment building.

I thought I would shake things up by trying some new recipes but in the end I stuck with my old standbys. You can’t go wrong with recipes you know in your heart. I’m sharing the recipes here with you since I can’t mail you all care packages. Maybe it will inspire you to bake up a sweet treat to share with those you care about this holiday season.

The efforts of a day spent in the kitchen.

First up is a beloved family recipe that I can’t imagine Christmas without. My Dad would make these from a recipe handed down by his mother. I remember him up to his wrists in dough as he mixed the ingredients by hand. I use a mixer but the memory of him with gooey, buttery hands makes me smile.

Jones Family Butter Cookies

It’s simple really. Just take a pound of unsalted butter (one box) and let it sit out to  get soft. When that’s ready, mix it with 1 cup of powdered sugar and 4 cups of flour. The batter should not be over-mixed but combined so that you can roll out small balls. I like to line my baking dish with parchment paper then roll a scoop of dough in my palms to about the size of a half-dollar then use a fork to press down on the top to make lines. Bake at 350 degrees for about 10-12 minutes. The tops should not get dark. The bottom of the cookie should get golden brown. These are delicious with a cup of tea. You can thank my Dad when you bite into the melt-in-your-mouth deliciousness of it.

Another cookie I remember from holidays growing up is the Peanut Butter Kiss cookie. I think these go by many other names.

Peanut butter and chocolate- is there any better flavor combo on earth? I think not.

The recipe I use goes like this:

Peanut Butter Kisses

1 3/4 cup flour

1/2 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup sugar (plus extra for rolling)

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 cup of butter (1 stick, soft)

1/2 cup creamy peanut butter

2 tsp milk

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla

1 bag of Hersey kisses

I tend to mix up all the wet ingredients then slowly add in the dry ingredients. Once combined, use your hands to scoop out spoonfuls and use your hands to roll out balls. Again, about a quarter to a half-dollar size. Once rolled, toss them in a bowl of granulated sugar then place along parchment-lined baking sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for about 10 minutes. While they are baking, unwrap the Hersey kisses. Once they are done baking, place a kiss in the center of each one. Be sure to eat one while they are still warm. The kiss will be gooey and the cookie soft with a nice crunch to it thanks to the sugary coating. Mmm!

Coconut Balls- a party in your mouth.

These are a more recent discovery. I made them a couple of years ago and Kaply did not stop talking about them. The memory of her delight inspired me to make these again. They are pretty easy to make and by the time I got around to making these, I was grateful for the simplicity of the recipe. Baking all day is tiring!

Coconut Balls

2 sticks of butter softened

1/4 cup powdered sugar

2 cups of flour

1/4 tsp of salt

2 cups of coconut (I used flaked but any kind will do)

Cream together the butter and powdered sugar then add in the rest of the ingredients slowly. I mix the coconut in by hand. Once combined, scoop out and make into balls (AGAIN WITH THE BALLS!). Roll into quarter-sized balls and place in a 350 degree oven for 15 minutes. They should come out golden. They are sort of like a butter cookie had a one night stand with a bag of coconut.

I also always, always, always make fudge. It’s so easy and it yields a lot. I believe this is my Grandmother’s recipe (my Mom’s Mom). I don’t have a photo of it because it just looked like a giant brick of chocolate. Besides, you all know what fudge looks like. I like to double this recipe and make it all at once. I am efficient like that.

Stockwell Fudge

1 can sweetened condensed milk

1 package of chocolate chips (I like the dark kind)

1 square of unsweetened chocolate

1 1/2 cups of nuts (your choice, I use walnuts but have also put in mini marshmallows and almonds to make rocky road fudge before)

1 tsp of vanilla

I combine all the elements except the vanilla and nuts over low heat in a pot on the stove. Do not keep the heat up or you will have burnt tasting fudge (gross). The hardest part of this recipe is being patient and stirring constantly so that all the chocolate is melted. Especially the square of unsweetened chocolate. No one wants to bite into that. Mix over low heat until everything is melty then add in the vanilla and nuts once off the heat. Spread in a large baking dish and refrigerate until stiff. Let it sit out a few minutes before you endeavor to cut it. It can give you quite the work out if you don’t. I might try lining the dish with parchment to see if I can just pull out the whole hunk of it to cut it with a bigger knife next time.

I also made magic cookie bars which are simple and decadent. Plus, my friend Rae Rae l-o-v-e-s them and I love her so I made them in her honor.

Magic Cookie Bars

1/2 cup butter (1 stick)

1 1/2 cup graham crackers (I buy the ones for pie making, already ground up)

1 can sweetened condensed milk

1 package of chocolate chips (I like dark chocolate)

1 1/3 cup coconut

1 cup of nuts (I used walnuts, any kind will work)

1/2 package of butterscotch chips (for extra decadence)

Melt the butter and combine it with the graham cracker crumbs to line the bottom of a 13 x 9 baking dish. Sprinkle a layer of each ingredient on top then drizzle the can of the condensed milk over it all. Bake at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes. Oooey gooey deliciousness awaits your mouth!

I hope these recipes bring you and yours some smiles this holiday season.

 

Fashion Forward #5

December 7, 2011 at 8:26 am | Posted in fashion, my neurosis | 15 Comments

I’ve known about eshakti.com for years but it wasn’t until I happened upon a motherload of custom eshakti dresses at my favorite thrift store that I actually bought one. What luck to find a dress at a fraction of the cost and in a custom size that actually fits. Bonus: It has pockets! It’s hard to see but the top has small pleats that lie flat and the waist is empire.

Please excuse the blurriness. Mr. Darcy has a knack for taking blurry photos.

I liked this dress so much I splurged on a custom order for myself from the site.

This is an up -close view of the pattern of birds. And, uh, of the plunging neckline.

I took the measurements myself and I think I may have mis-measured when it came to the bust area. I actually have to take this dress in to get altered because I spend 96.4% of the time adjusting the damn thing and worrying about flashing everyone my bra.

Again with the pockets. Again with the blurriness.

It’s really well made and very comfortable and flattering. It’s only $7 more to submit your custom measurements. What a steal! I have a few more dresses I want to get from there when funds permit.

Magenta dress from Target (on clearance) with boots & tights.

This is another steal I got from Target. I have very little practical winter clothes I am discovering as the temps dip under 40 degrees. Tights and boots and cardigans and scarves to the rescue!

Paired with a Gap velvet blazer from days gone by (thrift find) and you've got yourself an outfit.

And while it is dresses and scarves and boots 80% of the time around here, I do give ample wear to my work out clothes (not pictured) and my mumu (not pictured, you’re welcome and YES I wear it around the house- it’s so comfortable!). 10% of the time I will wear jeans. I do so love a trouser jean.

It's hard to see but I am wearing trouser jeans I got from Lane Bryant ages ago with an orange top I scored at Target and a yellow/white print cardigan I found at the thrift store.

Not pictured are my awesome shoes that tie with a pretty bow. I really liked this outfit. I felt pretty in it. Maybe it was the heels.

Before 11am

December 2, 2011 at 10:48 am | Posted in everyday frustrations | 17 Comments

My trusty computer that has lasted me almost 7 years is on its last leg. We finally broke down and ordered a lap top that should arrive early next week (not the coveted Mac which we went 20 rounds about and finally decided to be frugal and not spend $1500 on a computer when we are pinching every penny for a house). So of course our virus protection would run out this week, right? That’s rule number 46 in the Game of Life rule book.

Last night, Mr. Darcy spent hours trying to recover our computer from the blue screen of death. It finally worked and we were back in (precarious) business for the time being. But then this morning when I went to start it up, I got a bunch of warning pop ups saying our protection was expired and to act immediately and basically YOUR COMPUTER IS GOING TO BLOW UP. I kept trying to exit out of them so that I could update our Norton protection and it wouldn’t let me. Frustrated, I finally just clicked a legit-looking box that said “XP Home Security 2011″.

Here’s where I will jump to the lesson and warn you: Do not click that box! It is a virus!

How did I learn this? Because AFTER I clicked the $59.95 one year protection AND gave it our credit card number, nothing happened. No download now box came up. The “support” part of the website seemed really bogus though I did finally get it to accept my request. I started to panic. I did a google search and discovered that I had just given private information to a non-legit site.

Holy crap!

I called the bank to report a fraudulent charge. It doesn’t even show up as anything related to XP but as a “yahoo” thing. LIARS. After three calls to my bank, one hang up (on their part) and a 12 minute hold time, I finally talked to a live person who basically told me to go into a bank and have them issue me a temporary card and to CALL BACK once the charge went through so she could file a claim.

Not awesome.

I’m not feeling very well- like I am fighting off the beginnings of a head cold- so I had already decided to stay home from work. I spent almost 2 hours dealing with the computer nightmare (I finally got Norton installed so I think I am slightly better off than I was at the beginning though we’re going to use our computer on a limited basis until the new one arrives). I now get to go to the dentist for a cleaning. Because today keeps getting more fun, right?

I’m going to wear sweats and my glasses because I’ve given up on today.

Sigh.

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