Flaws and Fears

Dear Blog,

It’s been almost two weeks since my last confession blog post.

My list of excuses for my absence are as follows:

1) I was busy

2) I was having too many emotions to make sense of in a blog post and/or it was stuff I don’t feel I can share publicly

3) I was paralyzed in the overwhelm that is my current emotional life

4) I feel I don’t have anything new to say or contribute to the blog world

5) I was avoiding you

***

Let’s discuss #3. A lot of people have been saying to me something similar to “you must be so excited and happy with the new house and the upcoming wedding!” And instead of gushing about it, I share an itemized list of all the things I have to do to get the house “ready” or get the wedding details in order. Where is the joy? Where is my happiness? I don’t even notice I’m not feeling those things until someone else does. This seems like a problem on top of a problem.

Not experiencing good feelings while not noticing the absence of said good feelings = problem.

I don’t mean to say I am never happy or excited or full of joy. But these moments are fleeting for me. They always have been. I have spent the majority of my life stressed out and in hyper-awareness mode. I’ve talked about this before countless times. I apologize for the redundancy but this way that I am is all up in my face right now and I need to talk it out (again).

I am always anticipating the problem so I can have a solution. This might be the nature I was born with or it might be the conditioning of growing up the oldest in an alcoholic household. I tend to be all business- meticulous, detailed, regimented, task-oriented, perfectionistic. Being that type of person has helped me function in the world, and in many respects, has helped me survive. These are some of my prized coping mechanisms. They make me really good at my job as an Event Manager. They make me very challenging to deal with in a relationship.

Mr. Darcy and I have been having a rough time the last few weeks. We are very opposite each other in some key ways. We also remind each other of our parents which is basically like picking up the trigger phone and dialing straight to crazy. In total honesty, we have said to one another (in complete fear of it being what the other person might be thinking/feeling) that maybe we shouldn’t get married. Does anyone ever talk about this? Because I sincerely doubt we are the only engaged couple to ever have these fights, thoughts, feelings, fears. Fuck it. So what if no one talks about it. I’m talking about it because it’s real for us. I know we’re not the only ones.

Back before we were engaged and we’d have an argument, sometimes one of us would wonder aloud if we should break up. I think for two people who are afraid of being rejected/left/unloved, going to that place and saying such a thing is understandable. Saying it doesn’t mean it should happen. It doesn’t even mean that either of us WANT it to happen. Pretty much it means the opposite of that, frankly. So now that we’ve upped the ante and are engaged, have bought a house together, and are a little over 3 months from a wedding, we now say “should we get married?” instead. It sucks. It hurts our feelings. Who the hell wants to acknowledge their deepest fears? I know people who spend their entire lifetimes avoiding such things! And yet here we are, looking it in the eye and feeling really shitty about it.

I want to marry Mr. Darcy. Even when I’ve been the one to say “should we get married?” I want to marry him. Even when we are having an argument, I want to marry him. He is my person. I just want to figure out how to get out of my own damn way so I can love him the way he deserves to be loved. I want to find a way to relax into trusting him and this relationship. I want to let myself feel happy feelings for more than a fleeting minute and figure out how to turn off the to do list running in my head like a ticker tape. I want to trust us, that no matter what we’re there for each other.

Every day I choose him, even on the days when I am not my best self or I question why he’d want to spend the rest of his life with me.

We’ve gone through a lot of change in the last month- he started a new job, we moved to a new neighborhood, our commutes changed, our routines flip-flopped, we bought a house(!), and we’re in the final stages of wedding planning. We might be kind of stressed out. I might be in full-on Colonel Sizzle mode, trying to reign in all the chaos. Mr. Darcy grew up in a home with an actual Colonel as a dad. Yeah, you can see how me being like that might not create harmony in the home. But we’re working on it because we love each other and want to be together. We’ll probably always be working on it. Relationships are works in progress.

Permission to be flawed, granted.

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44 thoughts on “Flaws and Fears

  1. For what it’s worth, I think this is so common. . . . both the questioning whether your relationship should continue and the ending up with someone who pushes your buttons from childhood. (In fact, I’ve heard some smart, insightful people say that one benefit/challenge of marriage is the opportunity to work through issues from childhood.)

    It can be hard to find peace. I wish that for you.

  2. Been thinking about you lately because I’m buying a house myself, only without the added pressures of a wedding and relationship. I do wonder if it would be more or less stressful if I had someone (and probably the best would be if I just had a clone and could send the clone to deal with things). It’s all stressful, changing and uprooting yourself like this. I feel strongly that everything is going to work out well for you, even if the journey is a bit discombobulating.

  3. Relationships are work and always will be. I cannot imagine that there are any couples who haven’t had doubts along the way (unless they got married really quickly and there was no time to confront each others’ flaws before saying ‘I do’.)

  4. Totally normal. It is stress and total disruption to your routines and daily life that has turned up the heat on your relationship. Moving, getting married, leaving the apts and a new job? That is a lot of ‘stuff’ to deal with all at once. Take a deep breath, and try to relax and do things for yourself and each other that make you feel good. You will get through this!

  5. Yep, ditto to everyone else. SO NORMAL. While I hate to say “give it two years,” that’s what it took for us. Seriously, the first year or two of marriage were HARD, man, but now, we’re perfectly comfortable with each other, settled, there for each other unconditionally, etc. I look at my parents for inspiration, too. I remember my mom getting SO mad at my dad for his “things,” then suddenly she stopped. She learned to love him for who he was and let those “things” wash off her back. He wasn’t going to change. I think he learned to do the same. (And now she’s gone and those dad “things” bother me!) You love someone for who they are and you eventually get to a place of full acceptance. But yes, it’s work. And when all parties are stressed, of course it’s not going to be perfect. But you’d be worse without him. All your readers know that. :)

  6. 1. While it’s legit for you to call yourself out for not allowing yourself to experience joy, be careful not to force yourself into trying to be joyful about something if you’re not. The entire process of being engaged and planning a wedding doesn’t have to be joyful. I went through this during my own engagement, and I go through this every single year with my birthday. Everyone wants me to love my birthday as much as they love theirs; I usually just want my birthday to be over. Forcing it is no better than not allowing yourself to feel it.

    2. To date, moving has been the most stressful thing on the Modern Love Machine and my relationship. We absolutely did not handle it well, and it stirred some of the deep, dark emotions. Once we got past it, everything was much better. That may or may not be you and Mr. Darcy’s case, but unless you’re having some sort of actual doubt about Mr. Darcy and who he fundamentally is or how he treats you, don’t let the stress of moving/stress of fighting stir too much doubt on its own. Couples fight — you’re together so much it’s bound to happen. It doesn’t mean you’re doomed.

  7. I just celebrated 11 years of marriage in May. We absolutely had fights and wondered whether it was the right thing to do for us before the wedding…well I wondered may be he didn’t.
    I planned our whole wedding, reception, rehearsal dinner by myself pretty much so I totally get where you are right now….I was beyond Colonel I was full blown General Patton mode right before my wedding, but here’s the thing my hubs repeatedly drilled into me at that time.
    “Life is what happens while you’re plannng the rest of your life” (not hubs quote but can’t recall where it came from) It’s true, shit is gonna hit the fan, there will be emergencies, you wll fight and yell and cry and it’s all ok, because that is life and nobody ever said it was easy.Having the one person who gets you better than anyone makes all the BS that much easier to handle
    I tend to worry and make lists too so when I get overwhelmed I try very hard to focus on the present “Today is a gift that is why they call it the present” (courtesy of Sifu in King Fu Panda) Be present for today and try to remember that whatever the future brings you have each other to get through it.

  8. It is obvious to me that you two love each other, and I am just some random person on the Internet. I would suggest that you two make an agreement that neither one of you will say “Should we be getting married?” as a way to seek reassurance during this period. Instead maybe you could say something more direct, like “I feel overwhelmed today” or “This couple thing is hard sometimes” or “I need a hug.” I think it is not healthy to bring up not going through with the marriage (or in our case, divorce) as an emotional tactic in a fight. It is usually just a way to say “I feel so hurt and angry right now that I want to say the most hurtful thing I can think of to you.”

    Also, for #3, I suggest a stock answer to the people who say “You must be so happy…” They are just making conversation, not testing whether or not you are happy enough on some mystical bridal scale. Just throw them a bone, like “I love the dress I picked out! Squeee!” and that will be the end of it.

  9. As I can relate well to you- alcoholic father, perfectionist, problem solver plus I am an operations manager that moved from OH to FL with man in tow, I will offer up what helps me in stressful situations. Do not overthink things. Stop it. Go with your first instinct, don’t second guess yourself or try to please others. Especially in regards to the state of your new home or your wedding. Then cross it off your list and MOVE ON. When I’m freaking out and can’t settle I cook, bake, go dig in the garden or crochet for at least an hour. Meaning I use my hands so my brain shifts from whatever/whomever is getting to me. Always helps. Lastly, my favorite hint. My hubby and I are very different, we aren’t very good at arguing with each other. I’m too sensitive, he’s too aggressive and determined to win. Luckily, we don’t bicker very often, but when we do or if one of us is stuck in a bad mood place (aka Grumpy Smurf), we go on a walk together. It helps big time. Doesn’t matter if it’s midnight or morning, out we go. We’re physically moving, you don’t feel trapped and the fight just works into a decent conversation. Usually the distraction of whatever is around us changes the mood and tone for us.

    Seriously, you’re in a great place right now. The wedding will come and go whether you arrive at the altar pissed or pleased. Choose to be content when your feet hit the floor in the morning.

  10. Oh sweetie… you are simply asking too mush of yourself. How can you not be stressed out? Nervous? Exhausted, depressed, a B***h sometimes? All these transitions are hard as a singular event. Come on Sizz. Although I have not met you personally, I have followed your blog for a years ☺ you have all it takes to have a fulfilled, balanced loving life with Mr. Darcy. We are all products of our upbringing. The good the bad & the minutia in between. You need to give yourself props that you can both talk about your fears. Together…. instead of going to booze, pills, food, another persons arms etc.…I have been married for almost 14 years, surviving one day at a time and learning to accept that things the way I may want them to be may not necessarily the be the “right” way. Go back to your yoga, guitar strumming & kitty cuddling. Once you take care of Sizzle, it will get easier. And really, no one but you cares about the color of the linens ☺, or if you have 10 boxes still in the new house! xoxoxkh

  11. Been reading you forever, and never commented – but felt compelled to do so because of this post. Everything you are thinking, saying and feeling is totally normal. Just because you are thinking about the decision, doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision – it just means it’s a big one and it’s natural to have moments of panic. Especially – and I mean this – especially when you are in the throes of wedding planning. Add to that a new job and a new home and well, you have lots to process.

    I’m 100% sure it will all work out in the end – but yes, you are normal. It doesn’t mean you love each other any less – just that you’re pondering big changes.

  12. Honey, I’m tired reading that list of things and changes. You guys have gone through so much. I don’t think it’s unique to question and be concerned and fight during transitions. I hope you’re being nice to yourself. Big love.

  13. Change is difficult. No one likes change, even when the change is good. There is so much going on in both of your lives that of course there are issues and stresses.

    A few things…. this is YOUR blog. That you write for you. To help you understand yourself better and keep track of how things are in your life. We read your blog because we relate to your feelings and feel lucky that you are brave enough to share your emotions and feeling with us. If you need to blog that even though you’re getting everything you’ve always dreamed of that life is so much harder than you imagined for the next 4 months, you can do that. It’s ok. Not every blog post has to be thought provoking or innovative. Every blog post needs to be what you need it to be. No more. No less. And most of us who read you regularly love you even though we don’t know you in real life, and if you do blog about your struggles, it gives us a chance to say “it’ll be fine, Sizzle. You can do this. You’re awesome.” and give you some internet love and support.

    It’s also ok to admit to people that you are kind of overwhelmed with the new house, Mr. Darcy starting a new job, and finalizing wedding planning. That while you’re thrilled at all the good things in your life that there is just so much going on that you don’t always feel like you have time to really appreciate it.

    Dance more. In the evenings, put on some music and dance around the house while you’re getting chores done or whatever. It’s so much easier to be happy if you dance more.

    You are loved, and wonderful. Mr. Darcy is perfect for you, and you are perfect together. And everything will be ok. I promise.

  14. Hi Dear: What everyone else said. I thought something might be up when you didn’t post for awhile. Good Grief, you’ve just made Many HUGE changes in your life, of course you’re feeling a bit off balance. Just breathe. :)

  15. Resolve to quit with the “maybe we shouldn’t get married”. They’ll just turn into “maybe we should get divorceds”.

  16. If it makes you feel better, Sweets and I went through two different sets of counseling sessions in the months before our marriage. One was with a pastor, one was with a rabbi; both of whom were going to marry us. I think a lot of the questions they asked us to think about and discuss are whether we’re compatible for one another; how to address those times when things aren’t going right; and how to tell the rest of the world to back off a decision we’ve made that they might not agree with. So, long story short, I think you’re spot on for thinking about these things now, rather than bemoaning the fact after you’re married. It’s no doubt a stressful time for both of you … keep communicating … seek outside counsel, because it might help … and just know you will both come out of this stronger and more convinced you’re marrying the right person.

  17. Sorry, reading at work and don’t have a minute to read all the other comments. BUT I really wasn’t all that “excited” for my wedding. It was more of a giant to-do list and I did it all myself. I had an amazing time once we were in the week of the wedding, because by then everything was done. But I wasn’t super happy or overly emotional about it prior to then. In fact, everyone says the first year of marriage is hard, but I found planning the wedding to be way more stressful and hard on our relationship. And we hadn’t just bought a house. Or started a new job.

    But then past the wedding was easy-peasy. All of a sudden it was back to our normal day to day, and so much less to do and life got way easier again. But we still have to work at our relationship all the time. ALL the TIME. Because, surprise, we are different people. You will be just fine.

  18. Wedding are very stressful. I want to tell every couple to skip it and just spend the money on a fun honeymoon, but no one ever listens. (we didn’t either — because you feel the need to have the ceremony) The best advice is to make sure you are having fun doing all this, and don’t make it into a chore. You already work as an event planner. This is supposed to be for you, not for everyone else.

  19. Pre wedding stress, jitters, or whatever. I think you should get married. Lots of change and adjustment. Don’t be so hard on yourselves.

  20. In my experience the only thing more stressful than getting married and buying a house (and my beloved husband and I kept those 2 activities separate by more months than you guys are) was having our first child. I didn’t think settling into a house is particularly joyful – I spent a lot of time worrying and thinking the house purchase was a bad one. It wasn’t in the long run but boy howdy I kind of hated my house for the first year. The wedding was kind of brutal. But I really loved our honeymoon. And my husband calls me General Custer! Hang tough Sizzle. You are in the process of constructing an amazing life.

  21. I feel you on the wedding planning. I do not gush either; I stress. And I’m having a “casual” wedding, which basically means I am ignoring all the etiquette and other bullshit that goes along with this event — and it is still hard. I just keep visualizing the worst possible scenario of our wedding day and it is still amazing. This keeps me grounded. For reals, it could pour down rain during the ceremony, no one could show up to the reception and I could be wearing a pillow case and I think it would still be an awesome day.

    Good luck, and hugs.

  22. You know, I am the only person I know who had a good time planning their wedding, and that’s because it was the closest thing you can get to an elopement. Real wedding ceremonies are hard, and moving during wedding planning is an enormous strain.

    (I say this from amid a pile of boxes while I prepare to put my own house on the market. Moving is hateful.)

    And yes, this is a time to question these things. Thinking people question; it’s how we process. The fact that you both are a safe place for each other to ask these questions… well, that’s your answer.

  23. A new house (with the added benefit of being a first time buyer!), a wedding in the works AND a new job for Mr. Darcy? Sizzle, I think you should just bite the bullet and have a baby now too. You know, like ripping of the band aid all at once! No, not really. Breathe. I can certainly understand that you would feel a tremendous amount of stress right now. I admire your and Mr. Darcy’s dedication to all the things you take on, and especially to each other. It is very evident in your posts how you talk about him and how open and honest you are about your feelings, especially the ones that aren’t all sunshine and roses. That right there makes me believe that the two of you will have a fulfilling life together. Don’t forget to carve out some bits of time during all this craziness to take care of you. :-)

  24. I don’t want to say “I told you so” because that is rude, and honestly, you don’t know me at all, I am not a regular commenter, and why should you bother to remember me out of all of your real-life friends, and blog-friends, and your blog’s ‘regulars;’ on top of which, by not knowing me, my opinion is already invalid.
    With this in mind I am going to sum up what I’ve said here before, possibly even twice.

    It’s okay. It’s normal. I went through it last year.

    I’m going to slip the details as I’ve given them previously (and if you’re really that interested or if you don’t want to dig through archives, feel free to email me and I’ll give you every bloody detail).

    Last year we got married and bought a house within three months of each event. It was hellacious. Like, we were long distance for a year once and that seemed like fucking nap time compared to last year’s relationship hell. Oh, there were lots of amazing moments and good times still, (if there hadn’t been, we wouldn’t have made it through); but DAMN!

    Basically, yes. It’s bad. It shouldn’t be bad because you’re doing these amazing happy things together that [will ultimately] make a stronger bond but in the processes causes so much incredible stress it makes it so difficult to remember why you want to do either of these things. (At one point I think I may have yelled, “I can’t believe I’m signing my life and bank account away for you!”) We have COMPLETELY different ways of handling anger and stress, which makes it that much harder as neither of us can really understand where the other one is coming from emotionally.

    But…it’s okay. I promise.

    Take a day off, take a weekend if you’re able, and do something together and do not talk about anything that requires responsibility. Have fun together. You’ll fight again on Monday.

  25. oh, hon. It’s not easy. Having been married 10 years to someone, my “best friend” lemme tell ya, it’s not easy. But who the hell knows anything? People who should be together aren’t and people who shouldn’t are. The thing is: You’re talking. Even if you say hurtful things YOU ARE TALKING. The fact that at the end of the day you want to be married says a million handfuls. Trust me. xx

  26. I just want to say that I absolutely love your posts. I look forward to reading them and your honesty and openness is inspiring to me to be more open and honest about my life.

  27. I’m a few years older than you and have been married for 30 years so I have a little different perspective perhaps. True, you’re going through a lot of changes right now, no question about that. BUT make no mistake relationships and marriage are work. You like to be in control and Mr. Darcy is a laid back sorta guy who probably lets you take charge and do what needs to get done. Although helpful he probably doesn’t get in your way and lets you be and do. Let him into your world Sizzle and let him be and do WITH YOU, instead of trying to carry all that weight and perfectionism on your shoulders. Your wedding will be fine and nobody but YOU will even notice if it all doesn’t go off without a hitch. I understand you wanting your house decorated and looking “perfect” for all your family and friends but trust me, your family and friends don’t care if your house is perfect. They didn’t come to give an inspection of your house or decorating choices, they came to see you and Mr. Darcy get married.
    Even with all the change and planning that is going on in your life right now, its up to you on how you choose to handle it. I know you know all of this, Sizzle, but sometimes we forget when we get all wrapped up in the LIST of things that we want or need to have done. We loose focus on what is really important. You’ll get married on that August day even if everything on that list isn’t completed or perfect…..you’ve got YEARS to decorate and get your house in perfect order . These years are the best time in your life that I promise you. In 20 years you and Mr. Darcy will laugh about all you went through to get to walk down that isle. A house and home ownership is forever a work in progress — trust me on that one.
    One day at a time, Sizzle. One hour at a time. Let Mr. Darcy help you take the load off. You’ve found your life partner — let him help you.

  28. My first husband was (and is) a raging alcoholic. Before I married him, I was easygoing and laid back, and a crisis probably made me cry a little and talk to my mom. After 7 years of hell, I have changed and I deal with stress and crises the same way that you do: I am all business, in frantic get-shit-done-do-not-talk-to-me mode. I still make it really hard for my now husband (the wonderful and amazing best fella) when I’m upset, because he’s super sensitive and likes to talk about everything, know the problem and come up with a solution. When I shut down on him he gets really hurt, but now he knows that sometimes I just can’t say ANYTHING until I’ve processed the way that I need to.
    Essentially, we still don’t always act as if we were meant to be, but we always know that we are anyway. And in the morning (or in two days) we’ll be ok again. We always are, because we want to be together.
    You & Darcy have the most mature, supportive and amazing relationship. You’ll be fine, too, even if you don’t always feel like it. Unfortunately, nothing is sunshine and roses all the time, and if it is, you’re probably both on too much Xanax. :)
    You’ll be ok–don’t beat yourself up for anything that you’re feeling or not feeling. It’s ok, it’s normal, it’s not a bad omen or anything. Oh, and my mom told me the same thing that Kissashark’s boyfriend did— Life is what happens while you’re busy making plans. Try to roll with it as much as you can. Meanwhile, stock up on vodka.

  29. Well good grief. Welcome back. I thought you had died or something. As long as I’ve “known” you, you’ve been a constant worrier so this shouldn’t be anything new to you. Life is too short. Get married already or don’t. It’s your life.

  30. Hi, I don’t really have anything new to add because most said it so well already. Just so sum up, buying a house was so stressful, moving sucked the most ever, starting a new job, planning the wedding was crazy stressful too so dang, it all adds up, I think all of those things rank up there with hugely stressfull all by themselves, oof.

    Make sure to take some down time for yourself, and don’t forget to go on dates w/Mr Darcy, just the two of you. Hubs and I forgot to do that for many years and it was a huge mistake.
    Wish I had more wisdom for you. Your feelings of stress and uncertainty are normal, but that doesn’t make them less real or worrisome. Hang in there babe.

  31. I felt the same way before I got married. I think you are crazy IF you don’t feel this way. I think we should always analyze why and what we are doing with our lives at points in time:)

    Have I told you I love you?”)

  32. Ah, this resonates with me for several reasons. I’m also a bit of a controller, detailed and task-oriented, and a perfectionist, so things have to be my way or it bugs me, and Mike is so not like that. I too wonder sometimes “if we should break up”, I actually don’t call it that, but I wonder “if we’re going to make it”, which essentially is the same thing. I think it’s only natural to have doubts, to wonder and even to say it out loud. I like to believe that because we are so close, we can say those things to each other and not freak out about it. What I have learned though, is to take it with a grain of salt, some days my emotions are more out of whack than others, and what tends to happen is that the next day I don’t see things half as bad as I did the day before. You have a ton of big changes on your plate right now, it takes time to adjust, give yourself that time, be kind to yourself and Mr Darcy, and everything will be ok.

  33. You guys are super cute and awesome even though I don’t know you at all! When I think that it’s because I don’t feel like the other person is comforting me/supporting me/ holding me up- the way I want them to. I am working on saying something that makes it more clear that I want them.

  34. Ditto what everyone else said: totally normal, it’s a ton of stressful stuff, try not to take it out on each other, etc. etc.

    I have a coworker friend getting married in 30 days, and she will come over to me and just sigh and say “why are we doing this again?” And my answer to her is always the same: “You love each other, you want to be together, and in the end it will be worth it. Just don’t confuse the stress of planning a wedding with thinking you’re not supposed to be getting married. They are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.” Add in the house and job changes and holy moly you guys are facing way more than two people should at once. It would be a miracle (and a little scary) if you never felt like it was too much!

  35. This morning I was on a walk with a friend and we discussed that she and her husband had recently seen their therapist (this is not a comment about recommending therapy) and how that had helped them, even after 22 years together, sort out their expectations versus their reality of each other. They have recently gone through some changes in their life–my friend retired, her mother lived with them for 6 months– and so what was happening was her husband had somehow had these ideas of how life would be when his wife retired which did not match how life IS. Meanwhile, my friend is finding that in this new chapter she doesn’t even know who she wants to be much less formulate a plan for her spouse.

    He had never been the kind of guy to say “you stay home! you do this! you do that!” so really it was just the way the emotional part of the experience was coming out. He was basically saying “This life I see now doesn’t match some impossible, vague story I told myself beforehand and so I’m mad.” Because we do that, don’t we? We tell ourselves these little, piecemeal stories that always seem to be missing the gory-yet-vital details and then of course life piles on us and before we know it it’s all too much. We’re mad. And we don’t really know why, or at least not altogether.

    Which is to say, yes, of COURSE these kinds of changes are going to make us question our intentions and decisions. Of course they’re going to make us look at the person next to us and simultaneously doubt them and ourselves because, what the hell? Actually living what you’ve watched come down the pike is the hard part. (Even with all the joy and the “savor the moments” comments and blah blah blah.) But you are talking about it, you’re not afraid to own what you’re feeling, and most importantly, you’re realizing the temporary state of most everything that’s currently kicking your asses. Sure, one day it’ll be something else, but I think being honest and trying to be unafraid in spite of your fear and doubt will make you all the better for the future.

  36. I have been neglecting my blog and my blog friends for a while now, but something brought me here this evening. This is a complete cliche, but I know it to be true: The trials, the stress, even the doubts will make you and your relationship stronger. I’ve been there – and some days I ask my husband why he’s with me and/or I suggest he find someone better than me. He tells me I’m ridiculous and lists some reasons why he will never do that. It’s OK to say what scares you and talk about the what ifs. The talking is so much better than keeping it all bottled up.

  37. Gosh, you’ve had a lot on your plate lately. Having so much going on is bound to come out in different ways. Especially sometimes comes out on the person we spend the most time with or love the most. I think you hit the most important thing when you said that you choose Mr. Darcy every day. Just keep on remembering all of the things that brought you two together, all the good you share, and trust in your heart and in yourself that things are all going to work out. As someone else said, which I think is a good suggestion, making that phrase, “maybe we shouldn’t get married” off limits during fights is a great idea. I know I used to go to that place with ManFriend during fights, saying, “maybe this just won’t work then.” As if one fight or a similar type of themed fight determined the fate of my relationship? It didn’t. And I’m glad I didn’t choose to up and leave per my own suggestion!
    Anyway, thinking of you and wishing you some easier times again.

  38. Considering that you two have gone through some of the world’s most stressful situations recently (buying a house has to be like #3 on the list of human stressors) I think this stuff should almost be expected. Although we never picture it to be this way… I totally remember feeling sad and frustrated that I wasn’t happier during the planning of my wedding. Like you, I was so focused on making sure everything got figured out, that those moments of bliss and sighs were super rare. But on the actual day, I let it all go and all was well in the world. I really think you’ll be able to do the same. All will have been planned and taken care of and your only job will be to smile and drink and kiss your new hubby.

    Two days before out wedding (after his bachelor party) I said the F-word in front of my mom for the first time ever in my life and also declared that maybe Mr. W and I just shouldn’t get married. I honestly think you’d be hard pressed to find a bride who hadn’t had a day like that. Throw a house into the mix and the stress hurricane just grows.

    It’s going to get better. I promise.

  39. Oh my gosh – so much change, all at once. SO much change. Plus planning a wedding anyway is sort of just crazy-making, even if you have it all under control. I think what you’re feeling is totally normal and you have the right attitude about it all … And yes, it WILL get better. xx

  40. I’m just a nobody with an opinion (ie take it for what it is), but I think you’re going to be fine and I hope you will find a way to release some of your stress and fear. First of all, you guys TALK! I’ve been married (happily) for 20 years and I’m convinced it’s solely because we TALK! (Meaning we argue, we discuss, we snip, we say the hard things, the wrong things, the knee-jerk things, but by god we verbalize it. And once you say it, you can deal with it.) A dear friend of mine just announced she is facing divorce. I’ve known her and her husband for 20 years and they never TALK. So it figures.

    And this is TRUE — at least in my life and I suspect others. As time goes on, those protective strategies will become less necessary. Been there, done that. And 20 years into this marriage/parenting gig, I’m so much more able to enjoy the moment and cede some control (which I never had to begin with).

    Sending you peace and good thoughts, Sizz . . .

  41. 45 years ago we got married while Dave was on leave from the Army preparing to go to war in Viet Nam. We not only moved on day three, we moved halfway across the country. Yes, I planned our wedding alone. No, it was not perfect. Yes, we would do it again. The thing is: you guys are talking! That’s all it takes. Dealing with things now rather than letting them simmer until they boil over is the way to make any relationship work.

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