The only control is surrender. -Daily Om
Lately (my whole life?) I’ve been really struggling with my need to control everything- how I feel, how others feel, what happens next. I’m simultaneously hyper-aware that I logically cannot control these things while knowing that I am, indeed, feeling the strong need to be in control. I’m at that crux where I know a thing I’m doing doesn’t work for me/my life but I don’t know yet how not to do it.
I am very uncomfortable in the crux.
I’ve been a hiatus from therapy for a couple weeks. I left my last session feeling like I didn’t know what I wanted from our sessions. It was a rough hour where I spent a good deal of it avoiding my therapist’s eyes and emotionally beating myself up. I’m wrestling with a lot of internal stuff that I can’t eloquently explain. There are things about me, characteristics or faults, that work for me in certain circumstances but also bite me in the ass a lot of the time. Sometimes I get in an indignant rage saying: THIS IS WHO I AM! THE WORLD NEEDS PEOPLE LIKE ME! People who are not carefree, who don’t even understand that state of mind. People who will take the lead when everyone is faltering. People who will organize chaos. People who want to feel useful, not get the free ride. People with fierce loyalty and an unwavering sense of fairness. In many instances, I don’t mind these qualities in myself. Hell, sometimes I’m downright proud of them. But they also exhaust me. I put too much of myself into situations that don’t necessarily require it. I often feel under-appreciated and many times, unlovable.
I am extremely uncomfortable knowing people don’t like me or are unhappy with me. It’s a very triggering place that makes me feel small and all my shame comes bubbling up. I spent a good deal of my childhood wondering what I did wrong. When I couldn’t come up with an answer from any adults, I assumed that just being me was the problem. Did you hear that? BEING ME WAS WHAT MADE ME WRONG. That’s a hell of a pill for a kid to swallow. And yet, I did. I made the pill and I swallowed it whole.
So here I am, on the precipice of turning forty, and I’m still feeling that wrongness about myself. I can name multiple situations just this week where my feelings of shame and wrongness have overtaken me. Old stuff, new situations- doesn’t matter. I can and do let them all walk over me. Oh I talked too much about my wedding and hurt people’s feelings who were not invited (I was called self-absorbed, among other things) so I felt (still feel!) like I did something wrong by finally being happy. Oh I showed up for my dance studio trade shift to find a new crew member was there to do my job so I was left with no work and feeling like I didn’t belong, that I wasn’t wanted. Oh I saw something about an ex on line that made me question everything he’d put me through for years so I felt like a chump, a fool, and easily forgotten. There are deeper stories to all of these but I’m afraid to share them in detail. You know, because I’ve convinced myself I’m so wrong.
I’m in a beat up place, you guys. I’m a total hard ass so I don’t expect I’ll ease up on myself very readily. But I needed to say this aloud, with witnesses. I walk around in my wrongness and that’s just wrong.