And And And

People ask me how I am coping with everything that’s happened. My answer to that is, I don’t think I am. I feel mostly disconnected from myself. I have angry outbursts, mostly with an audience of my poor husband or the damn pets. I’m a walking raw nerve. Little things that I could normally handle set me off into a downward spiral of anger. I can be going along with my day, the threads of myself barely keeping me together, when one set-back after another takes me to a dark place. The dog was restless during the night and woke us at 12:30 then again at 3:30 only to try to jump on the bed at 5:30. I’m lying in bed trying to muster the energy to face the day when the cat starts barfing on the carpet. These things might be annoying on a good day but when I’m already at my wit’s end, I can’t seem to manage them. Because then my brain is taking me to all the things that have gone wrong and need fixing and are piling up and and and I’m down the hole in the dark place.

One of my best friends died two weeks ago and I haven’t cried about it in over a week. Our basement is leaking again in one area, the space where we put Otis while we are at work. Otis just got neutered and is banging around the house with his cone of shame on, requiring extra attention meaning I’ve been working from home this week when I can. But, I’m in the busiest time of the year at work with the million-dollar-1200-attendee-luncheon so that’s extra challenging as I’m up to my eyeballs in details and the event-related dreams have begun. I haven’t worked out in over a month and I can feel the impact. I’m tired all the time. I’ve gained weight. I feel like a fat slug.

Kaply always reminded me that “feelings aren’t facts” but this fact remain true- I should have been giving birth to our baby this month. That truth pulses inside of me. I know things won’t always feel this hard. It’s just that things have felt really hard for a long time and it’s taking its toll on me. It’s layers and layers of shit to peel back and some days I just don’t have the strength. It’s all I can do to operate in the world as a semi-sane person who has some semblance of a personality most days. So please excuse me. I’m not my best self right now.

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21 thoughts on “And And And

  1. I was gonna say the same thing as kapgar…I’m giving you all the best imaginary hugs I can right now! AND I’m cleaning up the cat barf. ::HUGS::

  2. I’ve just been reading a book by the remarkable Karen Armstrong on the need for compassion in our world. She offers a 12 step process to her readers with the very first step being to live out the golden rule in this unexpected way: if you are hoping to offer compassion to others? You must first offer it to your own self.

    So please, Sizz. Be easy with and on yourownself. It is the compassionate thing to do.

  3. This is supposed to be one of the happiest times in your life … and, instead, thanks to rotten life events, you’re mourning the loss of a best friend and the loss of the baby who would’ve joined your family. That’s major shit, Sizz. I’ve fallen apart when my truths weren’t anywhere close to being that painful. You get all the time in the world to process what happened. You owe nothing to the Universe (and all the people residing in the universe). Especially not a time frame upon which you believe things will feel normal again. <>

  4. I don’t know what to say, my dear, but I can’t read that and not say something. You are strong. You will see the other side of this. I’m sorry things are so shitty right now.

  5. And you are entitled. I appreciate your raw honesty. I got a new ipad and found your blog after not visiting for about a year. I’m so sorry to hear about the losses. There are no words. Hugs to you.

  6. I am so with Nilsa–I have fallen apart over truths of much less magnitude. Right now there is a MOUNTAIN of shit going down at work, and I’ve had multiple people ask me “How are you doing this? How are you holding it all together?” My response is usually “I have no idea” or “give me another week and I will crack entirely.” The truth is I’m constantly reminded how strong I can be. I think I’ve reached my limit, and somehow I keep going. And while it’s shitty, there’s also some amazing comfort in that.
    Sizz, you are one of the strongest people I know. And you have every right to be “not yourself” right now, to put it mildly. It’s such a sucky feeling to know you’re not your best self, but all you can do is have patience and ride it out (and omg pray pray pray that no more “tests” from the universe come along any time soon).

  7. It really effing sucks that when it rains, it always seems to pour. Why can’t the aftermath of awful events ever involve like winning the lottery or something? I’m so sorry that you’re stuck in the muck. I don’t know if you’d ever want to chat on the phone, but I’d be happy to try to help you in any way I can if you do. Hang in there, sister. XO

  8. It takes time.

    Please try to be kinder to yourself. Think of it like this: a closet can only hold so much crap. And if your closet was already pretty full and a best friend dies. Suddenly shit is real, you have no place to put anything and the best solution seems to be to sit and cry or stay in bed or scream at people. When the closet is full, little things, like cats barfing or basement leaks or needy puppies can seem completely overwhelming because you have no place to put them.

    Throw yourself into work, but set a timer on your phone and go walk for ten minutes twice a day. Just walk. It’ll get you moving a little. Once this event is over and thank yous are sent out, take a week off and go to whatever place feeds your soul the most. If I lived in Seattle, it would be whale watching tours. Or even just taking the ferry back and forth to Bainbridge (or some other) island. Being out on the water soothes me. But that’s me. Maybe you need to go to Mount Rainier. Maybe you need to binge watch “Orange is the new black”. I don’t know.

    But you need take some time to unpack all the stuff crammed in your closet, reorganize it,and get rid of some stuff so there is room for new stuff. If I had to guess, you aren’t crying about Kaply because if you start, if you really let yourself cry, you don’t know if you’ll ever stop crying. So get through this work event, and the let yourself become undone.

    I know it doesn’t seem like it now, and it is never going to be ok that you lost your baby and one of your best friends. But it does get easier to deal with. It just takes time.

  9. I’m so sorry about your friend. I’ve had my share of bad things happen this past month, but it pales in comparison. Hugs Sizz. And hang in there, it will get better. It has to.

  10. “It’s layers and layers of shit to peel back and some days I just don’t have the strength. It’s all I can do to operate in the world as a semi-sane person who has some semblance of a personality most days.”

    Do what you can. Let go of what you can’t. And then pour yourself a glass of wine. (Seriously though, thinking of you).

  11. I just read about TL! I’m so Sorry to hear about all the bad things happening so close to each other too! I read your post about her & I discovered her through you. You are Stronger then You know S, and TL would tell you the same. You will get through this and Life will go On. Just remember that, as you felt about TL, she felt the same about You. Mr. Darcy is there for you and that means you have a shoulder to cry on and a great guy who is Yours! All houses have their problems. All. The difference is everything coming together like that. See if you can start going to stretch and work out- it will help you with both your feelings and your mood. Shoot me an email if you want. Otherwise, I start checking your blog

  12. Eight years ago you offered me comfort and courage at a time when I needed it so desperately. I had to have a hysterectomy because there was a whole lot wrong in a place where a whole lot should have been right. But it wasn’t right and I was helpless to do anything about it other than just have it all removed after years of procedures and therapies. I was terrified and depressed and angry and stressed to my limits and wallowing in self pity. Here’s just one more thing I don’t get to have.

    And there are still times, all these years later, when I’m angry or depressed or wallowing, but that’s because I’m human. There’s no more fear or stress, thankfully. And the times of sadness are significantly less frequent. My body remembers the fear and the stress and the depression and the anger – every year around this time I am inundated with a wave of emotion that I have to sit through because of the emotional overload. It left it’s mark. But I’m human and can handle it.

    It’s not exact, but I appreciate your fear and anger. I empathize with your stress and those dark moments of self pity swallowing you up. I understand how small, normal, daily happenings feel like the second to last straw that will break the camel’s back. I know how constantly reminding yourself that it’s a little thing and can be handled easily makes you feel like a mental patient. I know that breathing and counting to 10 and closing your eyes will sometimes help. But I also know that sometimes falling completely apart and letting the stress out helps as well.

    I wish you all of the grace your soul desires. I wish you all of the courage you need to face every days most simple tasks. I pray for all of the compassion you need from every single person you meet each day. I pray for peace to flood you the way sunrise fills the dark with warm light.

    Be gentle with yourself, lovely woman. Be generous with yourself and spend a few minutes every day looking for humor and lightness for your soul. You have the courage within you to survive this.

  13. Would it be time to stop feeling sorry for yourself? Grieve for your losses – when you’re ready, appreciate what you have and stop feeling bad?
    Other people have it a lot worse.
    Just go to the gym. Don’t wait until you feel better.

    Take that with a pinch of salt if it’s not helpful.

  14. Oh my dear Sizzle. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Depression is a crappy way to feel and when you’re stressed and busy on top of it, that compounds everything. Please remember that it is perfectly acceptable to take care of yourself. First even. Take the love of everyone who loves you. It’s what we put it out there for. Hugs, good thoughts, and love to you.
    -z

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