I think I mentioned that I joined a gym last week. I meant to go to water aerobics last night but with the all the traffic, I missed class. That set me off into this downward spiral of body loathing and total frustration. I’ve been feeling really uncomfortable in my body and totally embarrassed by it. . . for like my entire life but there were a few months where I was feeling okay-ish. But now that’s completely gone.
I’m not really a “gym person.” I prefer working out without a crowd around me. This comes from my monumental mortification of being ridiculed. It’s not like that is an unfounded fear. I have had my share of bad experiences. Being heavy is like the last “acceptable” way to make fun of someone. It happens.
It’s never been that easy for me to just “go exercise.” The exercise itself is not the problem but the getting there is. All those years of being chosen last, of being teased, of hearing people who claimed to love me wish I would just lose weight already. . . those memories have taken up too much property in my head. I intellectually realize that most people are not thinking about me being fat when they see me at the gym or exercising but the idea that they could preoccupies me into a semi-anxiety attack. This is the one place where my self-esteem is low. Everywhere else I have made great strides in feeling better about myself but when it comes to my body, I’m stuck in a holding pattern of hatred.
My fat makes me feel worthless.
I tell myself that subconsciously. I treat myself that way. And yet I don’t feel that way about other people if they carry extra weight. And yet I don’t even want to be thin, just lighter, just comfortable and I still cannot get my mind and body to sync up and get the fucking job done.
Everyone has a way in which they totally fuck themselves over. Some drink. Others smoke. Many choose and settle for the wrong partner. Me? I don’t stick to what I know works because if I actually did get right with my body then what would I have left to hate myself for. It’s my last remaining scapegoat.
And so I am wallowing in this yucky feeling hoping against hope that steeping myself in its stank will make me so sick I will stop being a whiny bitch about it and just GO do something. Just walk into the gym and put on my swimsuit. Just lace up my shoes and get on the treadmill. Just do something. Just take action.
“When there’s nothing left/On this plate you’re handed/You find yourself/Running the gauntlet/Of all these double standards/It’s very thin ice over which you’re skating/And after this black winter the thaw/So what are you/Tell me tell me what are you/And what have you become. . .” – What Are You?, David Gray