Saying Yes

Let’s ponder this: How much do I have to not like myself to allow certain people to consistently let me down, push my buttons or act without integrity towards me?

Think on that. . .What did you come up with?

Because I’ve been thinking about this topic for a very long time. More so lately then before due to circumstances that have presented themselves. Oh circumstances! There you go presenting yourself again! I’m thinking I’d have to not care very much for myself to keep people around who repeatedly hurt me.

The thing is- I’ve done a great deal of very difficult work on my self-esteem. I’ve toiled in the muck that was my poor self-image. I’ve battled many demons. I’ve learned to hold my own hand when I’m falling apart instead of joining in the fight against me. I’ve practiced again and again how to ask for help when I need it. And goddamnit, I’ve earned the right to live without duplicitous liars taking up energy and space inside my heart and head. I’m smart enough to pick them out. I’m strong enough to walk away.

But will I?

See- that’s the big question I am asking myself lately. Can I choose to be healthy? Can I give up my constant need to have “closure” with every jerk who wrongs me? Can I just say “enough” and look to a different horizon?

I really want to.

I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by like-minded loved ones who truly have my best interest at heart. They hold that light up for me when I’m faltering in the dark. They remind me who I want to be in the world and what I am worth when I forget. They treat me with respect. I count you, my blog friends, to be among them.

I’ve long been concerned that my lifetime of confusing drama and fixing other people’s problems as LOVE has messed me up so completely that I wouldn’t know real love if it ran right up and kissed me square on the mouth. I was telling the Fella this over beers one night. He looked at me straight in the eye and asked, “Would you let me help you find out what it is?”

I replied, “Yes.”

Sometimes when you say yes to one, you’re saying no to another. Sometimes when you say yes, you’re opening one door while another one is being locked shut. Sometimes yes, in its perfect three-lettered precision, is exactly what you’ve been hoping to say all along.

“Situations get f**ked up and turned around sooner or later/And I could be another fool or an exception to the rule/You tell me the morning after/Crooked spin can’t come to rest/I’m damaged bad at best/she’ll decide what she wants/I’ll probably be the last to know/No one says until it shows and you see how it is/They want you or they don’t/Say yes/I’m in love with the world through the eyes of a girl/Who’s still around the morning after. . . “ – Say Yes, Elliot Smith


26 thoughts on “Saying Yes

  1. I love this post! You have already chose time and time again to be healthy, by writing this you’re choosing it again, and you didn’t even know it. Bravo πŸ™‚

  2. #1 – I am consistently amazed with your strength and wisdom. It’s hard to even recognize that you have a choice in living a healthy life, let alone to acknowledge the difficulty in living with your decision!

    #2 – The fella gives me an awful lot of hope, I must say!

  3. It never fails to amaze me how open and honest you are with everything. You are on the way to “being” healthy and I think the choices you have made to this point have been wonderful. And the fella? I’m thinking that was one of your best choices Sizz πŸ™‚

  4. Aww, I loved this Miss Sizzle. Letting go of some of those toxic relationships by letting IN some really good ones, well that? That’s a really swell feeling.

    And!, you quoted my Elliot at the end there! Oh how I miss him so.

  5. I do believe that you sometimes need to let someone in before you can get closure with someoneor something else.

    Yes…Yes…Yes…glad you connect with the fella :o)

  6. Take no risk and receive no reward. Boy, it’s effin scary, but the outcome might be just what you want. And more, just what you deserve. Don’t be afraid to shed the clouded negativity – you’ll amaze yourself with sunshine on the other side.

  7. I am liking Fella more and more. What a wonderful man to have in your life, to share the scary stuff and have him NOT freak out about it. And instead, help you through it. Getting negative people out of your life is very rewarding. It is hard but once you come out the other end, you will thank yourself for doing it.

    Does Fella have a single brother?

  8. See, I’ve always wondered if we’d even be able to see the healthy path at all if we hadn’t exposed ourselves in some way to the unhealthy ones along the way. Yes, it’s up to us to learn which one is which, and sometimes that ROYALLY SUCKS, but how else would we be able to figure out how to treat ourselves in a truly good way? Also, how else would we be able to figure out how to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and move on…ourselves? I have an older sister that never did figure that out, and the childlike way she behaves at certain times absolutely shocks me.

    And I thank God I’m not like her emotionally.

    I feel like I’ve totally gotten off on a tangent here, but basically, who’s to say that it’s necessarily UNHEALTHY to do what certain people might tell us is so? It’s all a matter of perspective.

  9. Everytime I read your blog I feel like you have grown overnight even more than the last post… makes me want to get up, push myself forward and be brave like you!

  10. I think you know I’ve struggled with this too. It can be hard and lonely to let go of people you hope will treat you better in the future. Mostly I’ve found the future is a long time in coming with those folks, so moving on is a good thing.

  11. I like the responses above–esp the first one, from Alissa. But this is what you said, that hit me hardest:
    ‘How much do I have to not like myself to allow certain people…do xyz?’
    It’s not that you don’t like yourself.It’s more like, you like them more. That, and inside we feel we have to do for them and excuse, if we love them.

    The really great thing is? You’ve come far enough to say–that is a load of craap! I’m done with that! ha! Good for you, Sizzle. You are a wonderful, beautiful person–and if you let your Fella? He will show you just hopw wonderful he thinks you are, be reflected back at you in his eyes.

  12. I haven’t known you long and don’t know you well, but I have TOTAL FAITH in your ability to do this, and to take the kind of care with yourself that you deserve. In a good way.

  13. I love this one Siz, this is so dead on. The crazy thing is we are so identified with our hurts and dangerous cycles that we don’t know how to live apart from them. We are “comfortable” in our dysfunctions and it is so difficult to break free into healthier patterns, abandoning ship to the old “me” and putting our foot down on the dip shits who love to trample all over us. I almost got another tattoo on my back that said “door mat”…but that was before my personal awakening a few years ago. So glad to see that Kelly dead and buried. You are totally on the right track and it is awesome that you do have “healthy” people around you.

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