Let’s ponder this: How much do I have to not like myself to allow certain people to consistently let me down, push my buttons or act without integrity towards me?
Think on that. . .What did you come up with?
Because I’ve been thinking about this topic for a very long time. More so lately then before due to circumstances that have presented themselves. Oh circumstances! There you go presenting yourself again! I’m thinking I’d have to not care very much for myself to keep people around who repeatedly hurt me.
The thing is- I’ve done a great deal of very difficult work on my self-esteem. I’ve toiled in the muck that was my poor self-image. I’ve battled many demons. I’ve learned to hold my own hand when I’m falling apart instead of joining in the fight against me. I’ve practiced again and again how to ask for help when I need it. And goddamnit, I’ve earned the right to live without duplicitous liars taking up energy and space inside my heart and head. I’m smart enough to pick them out. I’m strong enough to walk away.
But will I?
See- that’s the big question I am asking myself lately. Can I choose to be healthy? Can I give up my constant need to have “closure” with every jerk who wrongs me? Can I just say “enough” and look to a different horizon?
I really want to.
I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by like-minded loved ones who truly have my best interest at heart. They hold that light up for me when I’m faltering in the dark. They remind me who I want to be in the world and what I am worth when I forget. They treat me with respect. I count you, my blog friends, to be among them.
I’ve long been concerned that my lifetime of confusing drama and fixing other people’s problems as LOVE has messed me up so completely that I wouldn’t know real love if it ran right up and kissed me square on the mouth. I was telling the Fella this over beers one night. He looked at me straight in the eye and asked, “Would you let me help you find out what it is?”
I replied, “Yes.”
Sometimes when you say yes to one, you’re saying no to another. Sometimes when you say yes, you’re opening one door while another one is being locked shut. Sometimes yes, in its perfect three-lettered precision, is exactly what you’ve been hoping to say all along.
“Situations get f**ked up and turned around sooner or later/And I could be another fool or an exception to the rule/You tell me the morning after/Crooked spin can’t come to rest/I’m damaged bad at best/she’ll decide what she wants/I’ll probably be the last to know/No one says until it shows and you see how it is/They want you or they don’t/Say yes/I’m in love with the world through the eyes of a girl/Who’s still around the morning after. . . “ – Say Yes, Elliot Smith