I Feel So Funky

It’s 6:20 AM and I’m trying to get in a few more minutes of shut eye before thdashe snooze goes off. Dashiel hops up on the bed up near my pillow to purr like a motor and rub his face on mine. This is his morning ritual. He has no respect for snoozing between alarms, no appreciation for staying warm under the covers. All he cares about is getting his wet food.

I’m scratching his face, still somewhat asleep, trying to placate him so I can stay in bed just a few moments more. He walks onto my chest, standing on all fours and puts his butt in my face. I reached out to his hind legs simultaneously thinking to gently push him off me and also singing in my head “pantalones, pantalooooones, panTalones” because: a) I’m a weirdo and b) whenever I see his hind legs I think that to myself (Dumpling’s the one who pointed out that Dash looks as though he’s wearing pantalones or, what some might say look like “Hammer Pants” but I just took it to an extreme in my own head, as per my usual).

As I’m singsonging “pantalones” in my head and pushing on his hind legs, something warm squirts out on me. ON MY FACE! Something warm from Dashiel’s backside is on my face. Ewwwwww! I leaped out of bed, ran to the bathroom and proceeded to scrub my face and scour my hands like I was a doctor preparing for surgery. I could still smell the muskiness of it. Gag! I went back to my room to pull off my sheet and pillow case where there were wet spots from his spray and then, because I was sure I could still smell it in my hair, I jumped in the shower to wash my hair (twice) and my face, again.

I’m very sensitive to smell. And easily grossed out, apparently. That wasn’t exactly the kind of wake up I prefer. For the record: Dash’s new nickname is ‘Squirts.”

Oh! And later today I get to go to court to fight a speeding ticket. I’ve never done that and I’m a bit nervous, truth be told. But at least I won’t smell like cat spray when I address the Judge.

I’m ready for Friday, people. Sincerely.

(Tomorrow is Reveal Your Blog Crush Day! And yes, if you can’t just pick one, go ahead and make a harem out of it. Don’t forget to write your posts!)

“Every rain makes its way into somebody’s song/As a way to relieve the pain/This one is calling me out of my shelter/To face the truth/But I still love/Searching for my intuition/Even though I recognize/Myself in all these silver walls/But as I star they all break me down. . . ” -Still Love, Holly Brook


35 thoughts on “I Feel So Funky

  1. OMG, I don’t know how you survived that. And I used to work with animals and all their disgusting squirts. Just not in my bed. Pets sometimes really push their luck, don’t they?

    Oh, and with my speeding ticket court date, it wasn’t that bad. There were about 40 other people in the same room and they hand out pleas (depending on your infraction and record) and the whole thing was over in about an hour. I hope yours is simple.

  2. I was lalala reading along, all set to tell you that I feed FC his wet food at night so he doesn’t bug me in the morning, and then wham…..wow. Poor you! Is it wrong that I giggled? Ahem.

  3. I started out planning to tell you how adorable your cat was and how much I wanted one… and ending up thankful I wasn’t you 🙂

  4. That is just nasty. Good luck fighting your ticket. I did not have a good experience doing so myself, but I did get to “cross examine” the jerk cop who gave me a ticket for a one-day expired inspection ticket on a brand spanking new car, so at least that part was fun.

  5. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! As horrible as that is, it makes for great blog fodder. Hope you get your ticket reduced or thrown out. The few times I’ve had a ticket, I fought it and it was well worth it. 🙂

    *still shuddering over the first part of this post*

  6. You need to walk into that courtroom with the confidence Squirts had when he walked on your head this morning to pee on you. Then, you’ll do just fine!

    I’ve already written my blog crush post. I might have to turn this into a monthly event, though, cuz it was tough picking just one … and I wouldn’t want to dilute my write-up by picking many!

  7. Ugh! Not being a cat person, I didn’t know that happened. But now that I do know… well let’s just say I’ll be sticking with my puppies

  8. Hi! I was reading through your last few posts and upon discovering that you a) enjoy Teagan and Sarah, and b) also want to be naturally good at everything, added you to my blogroll.

    And ewwy to the cat squirts. I had no idea that could even happen.

  9. so you know how male cats spray? well that’s what that was. apparently those glands are located near the pantalones.

    yeah, gross. sorry for all those who were eating while reading this post.

  10. Okay, I made what I assume was a pursed face of disgust while reading this post…Didn’t know I was doing it until one of my students gave me a really weird look and asked what if he was doing something wrong.

  11. While this was a funny post–and I LOVE how you say “pantal-O-nessss” in your head? I sure hope he doesn’t make a habit out of that! EEeww.

    Some cats love you so much, they will indeed spray you. He wants you to love him forever. A male cat’s way of saying, “MINE!” heh.

  12. Oh my, I can’t believe this happened. Was your kitty drunk or something? That’s the kind of thing that might happen after a few brewskis.

  13. And he’s just thinkin’, “Oh yeah? Play with my legs, will you? Well, here’s what I think of that!”

    Obviously, he’s a boy. I mean, yeah.

  14. Kitty kitty and I would need to have some words after something like that.

    He would soon be finding himself subject to dirty tricks and inconveniences. Namely tobasco sauce in his food, tape on his paws, and a string tied to his tail. I might even throw him in the shower for a few minutes of cold water therapy.

    I know…it’s cruel, it’s unusual…it’s no coincidence I still don’t have any animals in my house.

  15. 1. I love you for using a line from Ghostbusters for the title of this post.

    2. Wet food for a cat? Never!! Seriously stanky poops.

    3. If my cat had done that to me, he would now be street pizza. You are a good woman.

  16. That is just nasty. I hope you got out of your ticket, or deferred it. When I first moved here, it seemed like nobody got speeding tickets… apparently they needed a little more fundage in the budget.

  17. LOL! I need a Squirts then. My lovely roommate is kind enough to barge into my room every morning to make sure I run off to work on time, seeing as I tend to ignore the four alarms that go off from my cellphone 🙂 Heheheh

  18. Shit! I forgot! I’ll go alter my post and add it!!!

    Was it anal gland on your face? Ewwww! That stuff stinks to high hell! You have my sympathy.

  19. That is hilarious. Disgusting, but hilarious. And I LOVE that you sing pantaloones! I always used to comment on my former kitty’s pantaloones. Now I have shorthaired kitties…not so much hammer-pant action.

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