What If?

Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?

Sally: No. But why didn’t he want to marry me? What’s the matter with me?

Harry: Nothing.

Sally: I’m difficult.

Harry: You’re challenging.

Sally: I’m too structured. I’m completely closed off.

Harry: But in a good way.

Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. AND, I’m gonna be forty.

Harry: When?

Sally: Someday.

What if four of your ex-boyfriends moved in with, got engaged to or eloped with their significant other all in the span of one month? Would that at all mess with your psyche?

Ummm, kinda…

I am, in truth, elated for them to have found happiness and commitment with wonderful partners. I am! I’m not so self-involved that I can’t sincerely feel joy for them. But then there are the nagging other feelings that aren’t as easy to admit. The envy. The worry. The what-if-I-end-up-alone fear. The why-can’t-I-get-it-right self-flagellation. The inevitable downward spiral into negative self-questioning. The whole “What is wrong with me?!” on broken record repeat in my head.

I’ve done that.

It’s not particularly easy to admit that I’ve been listening to that record. Or that I am, by all accounts, not as confident and together as the character I play in real life. But I need to publicly confess that I have these thoughts and that while I am not proud of them, they are real. That I want to change the record. Stupid fucking record.

It’s not really great timing either to have this mini-spaz out when you’re only 4 months into your new relationship. Wow, way to kill the buzz with that, Sizzle. So then I am simultaneously worried about freaking him out (because I’m being very careful about projection) and concerned that if I don’t tell him what my reaction to all these big announcements are, there will be an inevitable drift. I don’t do well if I’m not operating in honesty. Of course, he’d already figured it out before I said anything because a) I wear my heart on my sleeve and b) we pretty much tell each other everything anyhow.

Because ultimately this isn’t about him and I. This is about me and how I judge myself. This is about societal obligations and getting older and the fact that I am embarrassed that in the past 3 years my most significant love relationships were with two men, both of whom where either living with or married to someone else. That shit will make you wonder if you are worthy of being chosen. It can make a person doubt if they can do “healthy” at all.

I’ve forgotten to trust that everything happens in its own time. I’ve forgotten to trust myself. Why is my belief in myself so fleeting?

Sigh.

Excuse me while I have a mini-freak out. Regular programming will resume once I’ve found my marbles.

“And I don’t wanna hear you tell yourself/That these feelings are in the past/You know it doesn’t mean they’re off the shelf/Because pain’s built to last/Everybody sails alone/But we can travel side by side/Even if you fail/You know that no one really minds/Come over here lady/Don’t hold on but don’t let go/I know it’s so hard/You’ve got to try to trust yourself/I know it’s so hard, so hard. . .” -Heal Over, KT Tunstall

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30 thoughts on “What If?

  1. Ah yes, I understand. And the part you said about being very careful with projection, I hear ya!
    But the good part has to be that you can actually step outside it all and see it for what it is. There were days when that was not possible [for me] so I figure that has to be positive.

  2. Finding the analogy of Harry Met Sally to describe what’s happening(in a nutshell) is very, very good. Men can “get” that.
    Now for You? There’s nothing wrong with putting forth a happy, smiling, shiney face to the world. You DO have a happy smiling shiney face! But nobody’s happy all the time. It’s okay to have times where you feel those twinges of self-doubt.

    One might even argue that if SO is going to stick around long enough, he will need a better Map of Who You Are anyhow. These types of things are going to ahppen, when you get to really really know someone. You get all the raggedy, hurting bits too, not just the shiney. *hugs* If he’s worth it, he’ll think you are, too.(and you are. Harry thought Sally was too)

  3. Wait, you’re human, Sizzle? WTF? I’m outta here! *grin*

    Seriously, you are human and are clearly experiencing emotions we have all felt at some time or another (guys, too, despite what they say!). Don’t be embarrassed. Even if your past isn’t tidy white (whose is?!), I’m sure you have learned about yourself and bettered yourself for your current situation. What more can we ask. We are, after all, only human.

  4. Nice use of WHMS.

    I wish I could offer you something to feel better, but only you can figure that out and it looks like you’re on the right path.

  5. OMG, I have had this same refrain play in my head, too. you’re totally normal.

    (I love that scene in WHMS – I’m totally more Sally than I wish I was!)

  6. You’re just working through your baggage. I’m glad you have Hunter there to support you while you go through this.

    Lots of love darling.

    xoxoxo

  7. It kind of reminds me of that episode from Sex and the City where Miranda explains that finding a guy to marry is all about the timing — they have to turn their cab light on. If you date them before the light is turned on, then there’s no chance for the two of you no matter how compatible you might be. But if the light comes on, the key is to be the next woman he dates b/c he’s ready to get married (or again).

  8. My sister and I quote that scene all the time. With me being Sally, naturally. I hear ya. But let me just point this out – “This shit will make you wonder if you are worthy of being chosen.” You HAVE been chosen – and he’s lucky to have you. (There. That sucked up all the niceness I could possibly muster for one day. Pardon me while I climb back behind the wheel of the bitter bandwagon…) πŸ™‚

  9. Oh Siz! I can totally relate. I too have many (read 12) ex’s who have gotten married to the next girl after me. I just remind myself that I wouldn’t be happy with that dude anyway. Don’t doubt yourself. Keep learning to trust in yourself. You are worthy of being chosen!

  10. oh sista, i hear ya a million times over.

    and i know you know, it does shift, it will shift…

    you get what you think about, remember?

    “Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it” ernest holmes ❀

    xoxox

  11. The whole β€œWhat is wrong with me?!” on broken record repeat in my head.

    I wonder if your record and my record play to the same “tune?”

    Am I not loveable? Or just not… loveable enough? And why? What do they have that I don’t? What’s missing? How can I change to have “it?”

    I tell myself these thoughts are illogical and not worth having, but sometimes they’re still there.

    I think that, new relationship or not, he knows you well enough to know the honesty factor. And, in knowing it – in knowing YOU – that’s not going to be much of an issue. Besides, you’ve outted him now: your blog harem will go beat him up if he breaks your heart πŸ˜‰

    (I’m kidding. I think.)

  12. Mini freak outs are allowed. It’s only natural to go into “what if” mode or “why not me mode” when you are surrounded with people in engagement/marriage la la land. Hang in there – the open communication you and the fella have is key…glad you have each other.

  13. When I first started dating my fiance, I had some sort of weird mood swing on him. I apologized for it. He was cool with his response – something about it keeping him on his toes, and that is becomes more enjoyable as he makes it through the learning curve.

    I hope you have found a man who is enjoying being kept on his toes and navigating the learning curve. You ARE worthy of being chosen, and remember that you got to choose, too.

  14. Sizzle, Sizzle, Sizzle. I’ve got that same exact record on repeat in my head as well. Why is it diffecult to find someone to love me? What is so wrong with me?

    These are questions I am too ashamed to ask anyone so I just wallow in my own pit of self doubt.

  15. I was wondering if the recent elopement was hard for you. You sounded so happy, but still, I was concerned that it might be hard for you deep down. I know for me, it would sting, no matter how much tme went by.

    There is nothing wrong with you…

  16. I know I am married, living in suburbia and doing that whole thing but just remember that there is no need to be on any track and life has all kinds of unconventional norms nowadays. Some people just LOVE being single or in a relationship and not married.

    Anyway, the point is….you are so happy with what you’ve got and usually that signifies a great future so hang in there! God, did I just say that?

  17. Oh you have broken many dating rules.

    You need to be happy with the guy you’ve got. He seems perfect. Don’t dwell on the past.

  18. The same thing happened to me when I dated a guy who reminded me a bit of my ex. I would think about the ex instead of the guy I was with! It didn’t end well.

  19. It’s not easy for me to answer this as it’s never happened to me. I’m sure it might bug me at first. But I’d hope it would pass. I’m here if you need to talk.

  20. Your feelings are totally understandable – everyone feels the same way when that happens. I’m all for honesty in relationships, though, so I’d say you should definitely talk to your guy about how you’re feeling.

  21. The truth of it is that it’s very natural to do that – I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone not doing that in your situation! I think the way you phrased it is so accurate – it’s not about you and the Fella, it’s about you and you. If he’s worth it he’ll understand!

  22. What I love about you (in addition to many other things of course) is that you are so honest and willing to work hard for things. I love how you share these things with us, and I think by doing so you make them less powerful over you because you have acknowledged the feelings and then are free to move on. I think you are awesome, and that has to count for something, right?

  23. Oh my gosh, do I ever understand this one! I’m going to email you later (after what promises to be the world’s longest staff meeting), because it is just too much to write in a comment. Gah.

  24. Sizzly, those four exes have simply eloped, moved in with, gotten engaged because YOU helped make them the men that they are today! Although your feelings are completely understandable (I’ve also been in a similar situation before that led me to do, er, impulsive things), YOU are worthy of being chosen. Never doubt that. You’re amazing girlie.

  25. I’m sorry I’m late to comment on this one. I hear you. I feel you. I do the same thing. It’s not an easy blow (no matter whether you’re single or coupled up, whatever), to hear that an ex (let alone several) have moved on with someone else. Keep reminding yourself of how wonderful, intelligent, charismatic, and kind you are, and that you my friend, deserve the very best. And hang in there.

  26. So you are like the rest of us and not some super woman?
    Sounds like a perfectly normal reaction to everything.
    There’s a reason you didn’t marry, move in or elope with those other men. They didn’t fit you the way they should.

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