Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?
Sally: No. But why didn’t he want to marry me? What’s the matter with me?
Sally: I’m difficult.
Harry: You’re challenging.
Sally: I’m too structured. I’m completely closed off.
Harry: But in a good way.
Sally: No, no, no, I drove him away. AND, I’m gonna be forty.
What if four of your ex-boyfriends moved in with, got engaged to or eloped with their significant other all in the span of one month? Would that at all mess with your psyche?
I am, in truth, elated for them to have found happiness and commitment with wonderful partners. I am! I’m not so self-involved that I can’t sincerely feel joy for them. But then there are the nagging other feelings that aren’t as easy to admit. The envy. The worry. The what-if-I-end-up-alone fear. The why-can’t-I-get-it-right self-flagellation. The inevitable downward spiral into negative self-questioning. The whole “What is wrong with me?!” on broken record repeat in my head.
I’ve done that.
It’s not particularly easy to admit that I’ve been listening to that record. Or that I am, by all accounts, not as confident and together as the character I play in real life. But I need to publicly confess that I have these thoughts and that while I am not proud of them, they are real. That I want to change the record. Stupid fucking record.
It’s not really great timing either to have this mini-spaz out when you’re only 4 months into your new relationship. Wow, way to kill the buzz with that, Sizzle. So then I am simultaneously worried about freaking him out (because I’m being very careful about projection) and concerned that if I don’t tell him what my reaction to all these big announcements are, there will be an inevitable drift. I don’t do well if I’m not operating in honesty. Of course, he’d already figured it out before I said anything because a) I wear my heart on my sleeve and b) we pretty much tell each other everything anyhow.
Because ultimately this isn’t about him and I. This is about me and how I judge myself. This is about societal obligations and getting older and the fact that I am embarrassed that in the past 3 years my most significant love relationships were with two men, both of whom where either living with or married to someone else. That shit will make you wonder if you are worthy of being chosen. It can make a person doubt if they can do “healthy” at all.
I’ve forgotten to trust that everything happens in its own time. I’ve forgotten to trust myself. Why is my belief in myself so fleeting?
Excuse me while I have a mini-freak out. Regular programming will resume once I’ve found my marbles.
“And I don’t wanna hear you tell yourself/That these feelings are in the past/You know it doesn’t mean they’re off the shelf/Because pain’s built to last/Everybody sails alone/But we can travel side by side/Even if you fail/You know that no one really minds/Come over here lady/Don’t hold on but don’t let go/I know it’s so hard/You’ve got to try to trust yourself/I know it’s so hard, so hard. . .” -Heal Over, KT Tunstall