Where I Kick My Own Ass

I’ve been a real bitch lately.

No. I am serious. I have been crabby and whiny and apathetic. I’ve been disconnected and self-absorbed and needy. I am very, very sick of myself.

I keep thinking that come 2008 things will be better but that’s a load of crap. What does the clock striking midnight have to do with my attitude? There’s no slate that will be magically wiped clean when the new year begins. It’s entirely up to me.

Little things have been bothering me more than they should- meaningless passing comments, stupid blog stuff, unintentional slights, etc. I’ve only been seeing negative. The past month has been really hard on me, I’ll admit, but there was a lot of good in it as well. Why don’t I see it? All I focus on is disappointment and pain and sadness. That’s so stupid! Where did my positive attitude go? Why is it so dark in my head when usually my perspective is much brighter? How in the hell do I shift this!?

I know that I am taking it too hard. That these days I had off from work, this vacation I was going to be on, drastically changed when I got sick. And I know that I am really disappointed that I haven’t done all the fun things I wanted to with this time off. I also know that I got that run down for reasons that should be teaching me lessons- I push myself too hard; I don’t prioritize my own health; I need stronger boundaries- and yet all I’ve been doing is feeling sorry for myself. What kind of wimpyasscrap is that? I know better than that. I am a person of action, not wallowing. I have four days left until I go back to work and I will be damned if I am going to sit on my couch one more day and watch bad TV. Fuck the nausea and irritability and fatigue. Fuck the concussion and bad attitude. The only person that can make this better for me is ME.

Time to make it happen.

“And I don’t know/This could break my heart or save me/Nothing’s real/Until you let go completely/So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving/So here I go with all my fears weighing on me/Three months and I’m still sober/Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers/But I know it’s never really over/And I don’t know/I could crash and burn but maybe/At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me/So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right/No comparing, second guessing, no not this time.“- Sober, Kelly Clarkson


15 thoughts on “Where I Kick My Own Ass

  1. i think we can all relate to focusing on negative/bad stuff when that may be what you’re used too… accepting that positive/good stuff CAN be part of your life is much harder when it seems so foreign… you’ve had a rough few weeks but like you said, you have 4 more days to make up for it… start your day with a mental list of things that you’re thankful for – that could be just your head/heart needs right now… :o)

  2. I think you’ll find focusing on the positive rather than the negative can change your life. It does work.

    I think you’d discovered the real key to making that work for you. First you have to resolve to do it. Nobody can do it for you. You have to take control of your life.

    Think about one of my favorite sayings. “Believe in yourself, after that everything is easier”.


  3. I seem to waffle on my outlook in life. There are weeks where nothing bothers me and I only see the positive… there are other weeks where it’s the opposite. I don’t know why, nor do I understand what makes thing change from one to the other. If you figure out the secret, I hope you’ll share it with us. 🙂

  4. Man oh man, do I feel you. In my real life, I’ve been moving forward and getting shit done…yanno, thinking positive. But I’ve been really pissy about certain things and people in my blog world and I know I’m just throwing negativity out there when these little things these people are doing to me are probably not that big of a deal. But still, it’s hard to come out with the sunshine up your ass….I really hope someone DOES stick sunshine up your ass ;).

  5. I have been in a major funk ever since Christmas and I realized that I am this way every year. I am so busy for several weeks leading up to Christmas… making lists, checking them twice, shopping, decorating, baking, wrapping, celebrating, stressing, etc. Then Christmas comes and goes and I sit here with a huge mess, a huge credit card bill and wonder if it was all worth it. I have decided that I really need to get back into working out to get myself out of this funk.
    I hope you enjoy your last few days off of work!

  6. Sometimes I guess we have to go down that road to realize we don’t have to be on it. I have no doubt you’ll enjoy the next few days, just take care of yourself with the whole nausea part. 🙂 (That’s one that always takes it out of me.)

  7. I think we all have a tendency to do focus on the negative at various times in our lives. Especially when we’re sick or having troubles and we just get tired and worn out with it all.

    Maybe things won’t change at the stroke of midnight, but look at all the good things that have happened to you this year! You’ve made some HUGE life changes… moving, new job, better health overall, new “fella”… I mean, HUGE. Take a minute (or two) to dwell on those good things in your life tonight. It’ll help. Honest.

    Love you and wish you (and all around you) a wonderful 2008! {{hugs}}

  8. i second sandra.

    you are wonderful and don’t let the bullshit get you down. easier said than done and i don’t even take my own advice but you should. because you are so worth it!

  9. Somtimes you have to hit your own personal bottom before things can get better. Only you can determine that place and it seems you’re hitting it. Now the fun begins – getting to do something about it!

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