I’ve been a real bitch lately.
No. I am serious. I have been crabby and whiny and apathetic. I’ve been disconnected and self-absorbed and needy. I am very, very sick of myself.
I keep thinking that come 2008 things will be better but that’s a load of crap. What does the clock striking midnight have to do with my attitude? There’s no slate that will be magically wiped clean when the new year begins. It’s entirely up to me.
Little things have been bothering me more than they should- meaningless passing comments, stupid blog stuff, unintentional slights, etc. I’ve only been seeing negative. The past month has been really hard on me, I’ll admit, but there was a lot of good in it as well. Why don’t I see it? All I focus on is disappointment and pain and sadness. That’s so stupid! Where did my positive attitude go? Why is it so dark in my head when usually my perspective is much brighter? How in the hell do I shift this!?
I know that I am taking it too hard. That these days I had off from work, this vacation I was going to be on, drastically changed when I got sick. And I know that I am really disappointed that I haven’t done all the fun things I wanted to with this time off. I also know that I got that run down for reasons that should be teaching me lessons- I push myself too hard; I don’t prioritize my own health; I need stronger boundaries- and yet all I’ve been doing is feeling sorry for myself. What kind of wimpyasscrap is that? I know better than that. I am a person of action, not wallowing. I have four days left until I go back to work and I will be damned if I am going to sit on my couch one more day and watch bad TV. Fuck the nausea and irritability and fatigue. Fuck the concussion and bad attitude. The only person that can make this better for me is ME.
Time to make it happen.
“And I don’t know/This could break my heart or save me/Nothing’s real/Until you let go completely/So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving/So here I go with all my fears weighing on me/Three months and I’m still sober/Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers/But I know it’s never really over/And I don’t know/I could crash and burn but maybe/At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me/So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right/No comparing, second guessing, no not this time.“- Sober, Kelly Clarkson