I Forgot This Happens

It’s rare but it occurs.

The friend who, out of her own unhappiness, makes snarky asides regarding your new coupledom. Like somehow you having found love is some personal affront to her. Like you having someone means your life is easier somehow. You’re apparently standing on the green grass while she is stuck on the brown dirt with weeds.

Suddenly, because you’re dating someone, your life is now perfect.

Really? Because. . . please. That’s a load of crap.

It’s hurtful. I don’t care if you try to mask your resentment, disappointment, anger, sadness, whathaveyou by making it “seem” like a joke. It’s not funny. When you try to back track and tell me that you, of course, want my happiness- I don’t believe you. No, you don’t. You are so unhappy you don’t truly want anyone else to be happy either.

And that makes me very sad for you. And actually, sad for me. Because you’re not really being a friend to me if you can’t support me in good times and bad. I’m trying to be sympathetic to your struggle but damn it, I don’t think I’ve ever stooped to making snide comments when someone I called friend was happy in a relationship and I was not. And for the record, until I met The Fella? It’d been three years since I’d been in a committed relationship with someone. Four years since I’d dated someone exclusively who also lived in the same city as me.

Why do I feel the need to justify myself? You’re the one who is being mean. It seems every chance you get you take a stab at it. If I mention in passing a sweet thing The Fella did, STAB. If I make some reference to sex, STAB. If I talk about plans I might have, STAB. Really, anything will do.

STAB.

Frankly, I am fed up. I don’t want to nor should I have to justify my relationship or my happiness. I’ve worked hard to get to this place. The Fella and I work diligently at our relationship. We’re not feeding each other strawberries and sipping champagne every freaking day. We work at making it work because we want to be together.

I remember being single. It can be lonely. But there are also a lot of great things about it. Maybe embracing those might help you? Maybe trying to find your own happiness instead of fixating on mine would change things for you? Please, just do something.

Stop raining on my parade.

“Don’t tell me not to live,/Just sit and putter,/Life’s candy and the suns/A ball of butter./Don’t bring around a cloud/To rain on my parade./Don’t tell me not to fly–/I’ve simply got to./If someone takes a spill,/It’s me and not you./Who told you you’re allowed/To rain on my parade!. . .”Don’t Rain on My Parade, Barbra Streisand

Advertisements

41 thoughts on “I Forgot This Happens

  1. Amen! I wish more women would understand they need to make themselves happy first – and one kind of needs to be single to figure that out. Being single isn’t a punishment. With the right attitude it’s more of a blessing.

  2. GAH! SIZZLE… RUN AWAY… THAT’S NOT RAIN!!

    It drives me crazy when people can’t be happy for other people’s happiness. Anybody who can only feel happy for you when you’re more miserable than they are is not a real friend at all.

  3. Ugh, jealousy combined with misery. Women can be so oblivious to how they communicate these things.
    You’re right though, they’re just raining on your parade which, as with all parades, doesn’t need that extra challenge.

  4. This exact thing has been happening to me the past week or so!! A friend of mine says that all she wants is for me to be happy. I’m not fully understanding what makes her think that I’m not happy. Cause I am VERY happy! So you know what… the unhappy ladies need to get over it! We’re happy and ain’t no one stopping us πŸ™‚ Peace out…

  5. Been there, too many times to count. I love how people forget the longer you are in a relationship the harder it gets.
    Personally I run into this ALL THE TIME when it comes to my job. Because I get to work from home and have a fairly flexible schedule. I constantly hear, “Oh, it must be nice!” It IS nice, but I worked my ass off for 8 years to get a job like this. Also, it is not nice when VP’s are calling you at home at midnight because it’s your office number.
    There is this constant undertone that somehow you (meaning the general you, not YOU Sizzle) don’t deserve the good things in your life and it f’ing sucks.
    Anyway, I am with you sister (and I am happy for you).

  6. Amen and amen. I have one of those friends too who has decided that neither of us should be happy, seeing as I “betrayed” her (her words, not mine) by getting married. Um…okay…I plan to be happy. And spend my time with like minded people.
    It’s unfortunate that she can’t be happy, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not getting sucked in as she goes down this time.

  7. One of my very best friends did not attend my wedding reception (we were married in Vegas, but had a big reception once we got home) because of her own issues. She couldn’t put aside the fact that she was single and unhappy long enough to come and celebrate my wedding with me. She didn’t rsvp, she didn’t show. And she waited until a week after to tell me that it was because she couldn’t stand the thought of being at a party celebrating a wedding when she was still single. Um selfish much?

    Suffice it to say we are no longer friends.

  8. It sounds like good old fashion jealousy. I admit I have been that girl before, the one who poo poos my friends relationship. When I did it, I was suddenly dropped from my friends call list. (you know how sometimes a girl gets a boyfriend and forgets about her girlfriends) I was jealous and lonely.

    Have you really told her how you feel? Told her what she is doing to make you feel this way? (She might not know what she is doing. Seriously, she might be clueless.) Once she sees it, she might change her poo poo ways. Or she could be a jerk.

    I am happy I changed my ways. I think age has something to do with it. Age and finding yourself, being happy with who you are.

  9. Wow…I think we have the same friend…The friend with whom I had to recently establish some major boundaries because her negativity and CONSTANT questioning of my choices, my marriage, etc. made me feel like trash.

    What is with people?

    Another friend said something that finally made sense…Toxic friend doesn’t want me to be happier than she is, so she belittles me to make sure I second guess everything.

    Seriously, what the hell is with people?

  10. There are just some girlfriends that complain about you complaining when have nobody…then they bitch and act stupid when you have somebody…and don’t get me started on how they behave if you decide to start eating and exercising when they aren’t….just give me a room full of men and I’m much happier. No BS games.

  11. awesome! awesome! why are women so mean to each other? i just don’t understand why we do it to one another. i have nothing else to add because you said it all so well already.

  12. I think of people like that as being toxic. I once knew a woman who only liked being around me when I was miserable. Well, that and the fact that I knew more people than she did. I got rid of her quickly.

  13. Finding happiness within is the ONLY way to share happiness with others. Clearly, she isn’t happy.

    When I started seriously dating Sweets, I found my friendship circle adjusted. Nothing quite as drastic as your friend’s passive aggressive tactics. But, I had a group of VERY single girlfriends who did everything together (and almost scared guys away as a result). It was difficult to remain socially active with them because my priorities had changed. No hard feelings. Just life was moving us in different directions.

    Sometimes friendships have to change and the hope is everyone understands.

  14. I feel sad for her. I bet she is incredibly jealous and just can’t seem to control it. That sucks because if you are true friends with someone, when they are happy, you are happy.

  15. I hate when “friends” do that. My best friend does that fairly often, and while I know most of it comes from jealousy… it’s still hurtful.

    When you feel like you are being completely supportive of your friends and they do not reciprocate, it’s time to evaluate what level of “friend” they should be!

  16. Sometimes, people suck. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with your friend’s disappointment with themself.

    I’m not sure that is a word, but you get my drift. You should never apologize for being happy.

  17. Yowza. That would make me sad. But I think it would piss me off more than anything. I know everyone else has said it before, but jealousy is an awful thing.

  18. Yikes. I have to say, I probably do some of this myself. Despite wishing others happiness… it’s a struggle sometimes not to be jealous of other people. But I’m sorry your friend is like that to you. I know just how hard it is to be in a relationship, and being single is just hard in a different way. Better to lend someone a helping hand, or at worst, be neutral, than try to tear someone down.

  19. I’m sorry. It sucks to have a friend, whom you really want to be happy for you, make stabby comments. I’ve been there, and even done it myself, and there always seems to be a futility in it no matter what else. I wondered why a person i cared about would be such a jerk to me…and jealousy is a reason that doesn’t feel great, even to be the recipient of.

    In a case of where I did it myself, my foal died, while my friend’s went on the live. It would really chap my butt when she’d go on and on about her colt. She never did outgrow that annoying penchant, btw. I think in her insisting(I guess that I’d get over it and finally agree with her that this was the best horse evar) it got to be a habit.
    It also came between us, because no horse could be better than her superhorse, even after I’d long gotten over it.

    Competition is great for organized teams, but it does NOT belong in a friendship. If you are smelling the feeling of competition? It might be over already, with her. Ego has taken ahold of the wheel. Good luck–I hope it’s passing.

  20. I’m with Foo…this is why I have more male friends than female ones. it is a rarity to find a woman who doesn’t act crazy and do bullshitty things like that.

    And uh, being with someone is harder than being alone, IMO.

  21. Aw, that sucks!

    I hope your friend faces her own insecurities and can step up and be happy for you.

    Because that is what a true friend would do πŸ™‚

  22. 😦

    I hate it when that happens. I KNOW that being the third or fifth or whatever wheel among friends can suck – I’ve been there myself – but … COME ON. Sure, acknowledge that you are jealous of their coupledom. But – don’t let that ruin a friendship! And don’t assume that just because they are in a relationship that makes their life perfect! GAH!

    Here’s hoping your friend wisens up, gets a man (or woman), or you can hold off on seeing her for awhile to let this blow over…

  23. That definitely sucks.

    My impression of you is that the following does NOT apply to you, but thinking from the other side for a moment, I’m reminded of an old ‘friend’ of mine. When she had a boyfriend, she never had the time to call or hang out. When she didn’t anymore, boom, there she was.

    It’s not always (ever?) easy to balance all the people in your life, and some people are definitely better at this than others. Maybe the unhappiness of some friends was exacerbated by a feeling of abandonment which led to snarky-ness.

    Again, I doubt that’s you, Sizzle. And, it’s still NO excuse for that sort of poor, unsupportive behavior. I agree with Dave2.

  24. Okay, this may sound like I’m going against the grain, but… I think when someone starts a new relationship that relationship should be incorporated into their already existing relationships with friends and family. I absolutely hate it when my friends start seeing someone and are suddenly “too busy” to spend time with anyone else. It’s all in the balance, and if the person’s good enough for you to hang out with, he/she should be good enough to hang with your friends. KWIM?

  25. She is jealous and lonely and we all know that those two things can kill anything that comes close. I totally get what you’re saying. It really sucks that she’s not happy for you as she should be. I hope she wakes up and realizes that she’s not acting the way a friend should act.

  26. It’s hard being single surrounded my coupled friends. But I’m with you, no one should be allowed to rain on your well deserved parade!

  27. These kinds of people are not so much friends as frenemies! I am finally at a point where those people have been weeded/ weeded themselves out of the picture.

  28. I hear ya! What is it about those people… *sigh*
    You keep on the way you have been… you deserve all the happiness you can grab (and the Fella looks like a heap-load of happiness, watching from over here!)

  29. Indeed. I got a taste of the ‘rain’ last night when a friend of mine here in Spain told me about how my new man’s ex (whom we had randomly ran into at a local bar) had blue eyes and I didn’t.

    Um. So????

    I didn’t take as much offense as I probably would have because I know her boyfriend of a year just broke with her and she’s the type to bottle her frustration and anger inside. But still. How could you have the guts to say something like that?

  30. Ahh, I must fess up. I did this to my best friend. I was so jealous of her time with her new beau… mind you this was years ago. But I was so mean to him. Now I adore him. But I made her stop seeing him… all so I could have her to myself. He was taking away from our time of getting stoned every day and re-watching pulp fiction.

    I was Pathetic. She teases me about it now, and it worked out for them, they are married with two kids. But it wasn’t about being jealous that she had a boy and I didn’t. It was jealousy of the time he was taking her away from me.

  31. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, THIS IS LIKE MY MANIFESTO!!! Everyone thinks Bryan and I are like this magically perfect couple and it sincerely pisses me off, because we WORK AT IT EVERY DAMN DAY! And we have been together for 15 years, so that’s a shitload of days!

    And as for your friend, you are so right, it’s her issue not yours. It doesn’t make it any nicer or any easier to take.

  32. I don’t think guys participate in this activity. At least I can’t recall ever experiencing it.

    I do hate when friends do things that make you double check the meaning of friend, just to be sure the definition wasn’t changed and you somehow missed it. Then again, I’m sure I’ve seemed like a crappy friend plenty.

    It still sucks. Why can’t she just be happy for you?

  33. I have/had a friend like that. Some people thrive on their own misery. I had one go so far as to call my beau ugly nicknames and mock him in front of other people. I’m sorry you have to deal with this crap. Friends should be happy for you when you are happy.

  34. No question its jealousy. I had this happen to me recently as well — it’s so frustrating! I get tired of the snide comments of not seeing them as much as before, forgetting that when they were dating someone, I didn’t see them at ALL!

Comments are closed.