My once organized, decorated and clean apartment is in shambles. Boxes are stacked against empty walls. The cats are confused, stumbling around the apartment to find a place to curl up. And me, feeling more and more claustrophobic and stressed out by the hour as my to do list runs on a constant loop in my head.
I don’t do well living in such disarray. I can’t seem to keep my chin up in a half-packed apartment. As the days crawl closer to the impending move day, Sunday seems far off and yet, too soon. I’ve started to get nostalgic which isn’t helping matters. Leaving my first apartment in Seattle, my first home when I flew the coop of California, probably shouldn’t have such an impact but I’m a sentimental fool. This has been a welcoming cocoon for me. It was here that I found my refuge as I slowly made my place in this city.
I know it’s a good thing- the leaving. Moving on is the right thing to do. So I will pack away my memories and seal them up with tape, mark the box with “miscellaneous” and hope that upon arrival at the new home they are still safe. But I know they will look different in the new setting and some of them will get lost in the move. It’s right to let them go. Some memories shouldn’t follow.
The memory of the last time I ever touched him as he fiercely hugged me goodbye at the door will stay behind. And the time that I laid in bed for five hours on the phone with the man I thought was my true love, giddy with possibility. Maybe the pangs of reality that I was wrong in that belief will stay behind too. I’m tired of carrying that hurt. There are burdens and worries and sorrows that I want to leave behind to rest between the slats of the floor or the cracks in the weathered walls. It’s time to make new memories in a new home. It’s time for a fresh start.
I want to look forward instead of backward.
“Trying to pull myself away/I’m caught in a pattern and I can’t escape/Trying to pull myself away/Lately when I get lost there’s this thing I know/Even the dogs have somewhere to go/Everything comes if you just let it be/Work, work, brighten the corners that we’ll never see/Untangle the thoughts that you know what they mean/I hope that the answer doesn’t come too late. . .” -Trying to Pull Myself Away, Glen Hansard (from Once)