What’s True?

{Confessional: The Dream Sequence}

In the dream he showed up announced at my door. I was filled with a mixture of elation and ire, unsure how to proceed. All this time I figured we’d never meet in person. It all came flooding back to me- the countless emails exchanged, the phone conversations lasting for hours at a time, all of the sentimental videos we’d made for one another- all the things we’d given one another. . .the least of which was my heart.

In the dream it was awkward. Of course it was. He broke my heart with the decisions he made. He left me by staying where he was. After all the things we’d said and the dreams we’d shared and the promises we professed- in the end, he didn’t choose me. Is it any wonder I’ve taken to believing he used me, that he lied to himself and to me, that his cowardice got the best of him? I hate thinking like that but the anger is my force field. If I don’t hang onto it, I’ll just crumble in a heap, a sobbing mess of a girl.

In the dream he tried to find the words to tell me how sorry he was, that he never meant to hurt me like that, that he wanted to make it up to me. I could hear his words and almost feel his sincerity and yet. . . My belief in him had died along with any hope of there ever being an us. I didn’t trust him anymore.

In the dream all the feelings flooded me. I felt heady with sorrow and yet the intense love I felt for him kept trying to cloud my former clarity. I was angry. I was hurt. I had decided to move on because that was the only option left for me. Because you can’t live your life broken. Because you have to pick yourself up and carry on. Because we all live with scars. I’m not special because of this. There’s no secret fast-track to healing to escape the endless days of feeling empty and left behind.

In the dream I let my anger fly- splinters of old hope and shards of shattered dreams- and he just stood there taking it. He said it was the least that he could do after what he’d done. I’m still not sure what is the worst of this- the extreme disappointment or the utter rejection. I think it is a tie.

In the dream I slapped his face. Shocked, he just looked back at me, as I started to cry. I wanted to hurt him like he’d hurt me but it just made me feel worse. I felt so small, so lost, so sad standing there looking right at the man I thought was my true love. I didn’t want to remember the dream. The dream hurts me now.

All the trust has been broken. He didn’t choose me. Maybe I just was nothing more than convenient and safe. Maybe his love for me was just an escape. I don’t want to be someones dream or hiding place or fantasy. I want to be real to someone.

In the dream he held me as the tears streamed down my face. It’s a confusing comfort to be soothed by the very person causing the sadness. I cried and cried and cried until I was spent. Until I was hollow. And then we looked at each other with a wry smile, cracked one of our inside jokes, as he nodded his head and backed away. I waved good-bye saying, “here’s looking at you, kid” and I shut the door.

Forgiveness can be a long time coming. I’m tired of the journey and yet, I still have so far still to go.

“Should I decide it’s true/that you would leave if given half the chance to go and/I’d be left here on my own/to find myself in bed/wishing everything that changed would be the same/. . . everyday’s another chance to bury my regret/everyday’s another chance to make it but I can’t/but I can’t. . .” -It’s Not True, William Fitzsimmons

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19 thoughts on “What’s True?

  1. You do realize that this is not your fault in any way, shape, or form, right? Even in a dream state.

    They say anger is a bad thing. But I’ve also found that both that and resentment can be a good shield and keeps me going. I hate admitting to that, but it’s true. I’d rather have some stored-up anger than break down over someone or something that I really don’t feel deserves an outward acknowledgment of my own emotional failings.

    Hmmm… I know what I’m trying to say, but I’m having difficulty with words right now for some reason. So if what I said sounds weird, I apologize.

  2. Only a dream. i really dont know what to say. i really dont know what to write. I was moved by what you wrote. I dont know wether it was the pain caused by your honest passion,love for him. Or is it 12.15am and i just finished seeing memoirs of the geisha. May be its the effect of the movie plus this. What ever be the case i have never been soo moved like this in a really long time.The feeling like everything goes still around you and lost in your thoughts..
    I always longed to be loved like that. i think we all do. ive not been soo fortunate nor soo unfortunate. Only consolations is what i can provide you . I some how feel like i can truly understand you. it is truly .. painful.

    i couldnt advice you on this . Since i dont know what happened.. more over i dont know anything other that what i read. But if i can do some thing i probably pray for you to have the strength to move on. It would be dumb of me telling you what to do. But the least of what i would not want to see is for you to loose faith in love and yourself. You are a beautiful person. What you wrote was more than what any one needs for knowing that. I only wish if he loved you just as much.
    If only… But beautiful things do happen. Hope is a good thing. And Its sometimes the only sail we need on our boat to sail us across the seas of life..
    Take care of yourself Sizzle.

  3. “Forgiveness can be a long time coming.” So true…
    I think we have all been there in some sense. Not the same situation, not the same guy, but have been left, have had them choose someone else. Yeah, I think we have all been there, and know how hard it is. But you know what the bright side of touching rock bottom is? It can only get better from here on!

  4. You really were blessed with a great writing ability! Your last 2 posts have been amazingly written and a joy to read, even given the painful subject matter. Well done.

  5. This is really cool — love the last two posts. I’ve always enjoyed reading what you write, but these last two showcase a clear talent!
    Hope your new home is lovely!

  6. As I read this beautifully written post I think your dream is a re-inaction of a real life situation that you actually recently went through and then as I read on I realize you are talking about your dad – the feelings “of disappointment and utter rejection” and “feeling empty and left behind” – odd how it applies to both – “here’s looking at you kid” gave it away.
    Amazing discovery and journey from an amazing woman.

  7. Sometimes it’s a shame how those feelings and memories can hang around, even in the subconscious. There’s a reason for it, though, which is not as easy to see when it’s yours.

  8. Dreams are funny like that. People show up, univited. We can’t prepare, we can’t plan on it. We sleep, and poof, there they are. I’m with justrun, I truly believe that dreams are a way of our subconcious working things out for us. It’s not always an easy thing, but I think in some small way, it is working to help us. Maybe to protect us. Helping us to see things we maybe wouldn’t think of otherwise. Helping us to move on, and forgive.

    Beautifully written post Sizzle.

  9. I agree with brookem. I think it’s another reason sleep is so important – our dreams help us deal with, and sort out, things that we can’t in our brain’s day-to-day functioning.

  10. Sometimes when you need to feel something, or work something out, it shows up in dreams even if you don’t necessarily know you need it. But I see that other people have already written that, so I’ll just say that this post was beautiful and makes me think you were meant to be a writer.

  11. I started to copy and paste everything you wrote that I experienced and understood only too well… and then found it would be over 50% of your post and gave up.

    *hugs*

  12. Hmm, i don’t think that you need to forgive. I think you just need to let go. You’re pretty close to that stage already, as well, I think. Here’s to looking forward!

  13. Oh what are dreams tell us….I’ve had many to ponder myself and wonder why I’ve dreamt them. Maybe things we haven’t acted out and should have? I hope you can let this go and move on….as it seems to still bother you. Hard to do, I know as it’s about a real relationship in the past, maybe?
    Take care of yourself Sizzle. Loved your writing style.

  14. I fully believe in my dreams- as many have become a reality (even the most obscure unrelated ones.) I definitely think dreams are a way to process thoughts and feelings that cannot always be conveyed in real life.

    I loved this post, Sizzle. I often want to write about my dreams, but they are frighteningly real. You seem to be working through your loss of this person and however bizarre as it may seem, I say it is just as valid in your dreams as it is in reality.

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