Leap

I wish that when I woke up, I was excited to start my day. Instead, I feel dread.

Do you ever wake up and just know that you need to call into sick to work? Like even though your mind runs through all the pros and cons of taking a sick day and you have plenty of reasons to go into work (re: obligation, guilt), you just know that your mind is already made up. You aren’t going in.

Or when you are dating someone and there is just something not clicking. You try and try to make it work because on paper you two seem like the perfect couple. But somewhere inside your mind already decided you were done. There’s no reversing it. (And no, I am not talking about breaking up with The Fella. Absolutely not! This is just an example.)

See, because sometimes you can try in vain to ignore the obvious. You can give it a valiant effort to stay because you might think it is easier, it’s less work, it’s what you know. But it is never easier to ignore your gut, to not put out the effort to live your best life, or to challenge yourself forward.

It’s time for me to move on. Every fiber in my being knows it. So now the trick is trying to put on a brave face while inside freaking out about what’s next.

What would you do if you knew you would not fail?

“Take me back Josephine/To that cold and dark December/I am missing someone but I don’t know who/Now I’m standing alone and I’m trying to remember/Sometimes I wonder how I ever started loving you/Morning sun shine on me/Come light inside my window/And rest on my brow/Kiss my eyes when I sleep/And carry me back home/If my dreams will allow. . .” -Josephine, Brandi Carlile

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42 thoughts on “Leap

  1. Wow. Had I read this entry a few months ago, I definitely would have saved myself some heartache. Bravo, my chica. (And I hope you got some peanut butter eggs!)

    Luckily, I never really have the mindset of not doing something out of fear; but I always wanted to be a singer. Just don’t have the confidence.

  2. Oh Sizzle, you are not alone. I came to this exact same conclusion just yesterday.

    I’ve always been told “Leap, and the net will appear,” so I think it’s time for us to close our eyes, cross our fingers, and leap!

    Ready? 1, 2…

  3. Oh I know what you mean. Sometimes trying to talk yourself into something is the WORST idea out of all of them. Ignoring your gut? Never easy, never a good thing.

    Glad that things with The Fella are going well, and hoping that you figure out something work-wise that will make your gut happy!

  4. You just described every morning…I need to find a new j-o-b. Which was would be dandy if I knew what to do with myself. Ugh.

  5. Whoa, I could have written this line for line and I am not just saying that for the sake of relating. I hope something great workwise appears soon. I write this while feeling the same dread knowing that I need to go get ready for work now…

    If I knew I would not fail, I’d write a syndicated newspaper column or become a sportswriter.

    Best of luck, Sizzle!!!

  6. For me, it’s not so much the fear of failure that is paralyzing, but the fear of success. LIke, what if I do make this leap, and something bigger and better comes along – THEN WHAT?!?!

  7. Good for you for finally knowing what’s best for Sizzle. You have great skills and experience and a fabulous personality! You just need to figure out what it is you want to do and market yourself to fit the bill. You’ll figure it out – just give it some time and focus (as if you have lots of that to spare)!

  8. That last line is something I think about all the time. It is a good way to live your life. I hope whatever is not going well for you right now works itself out, and that you remember to listen to yourself about what is best for you!

  9. I’m with Keri above…Traveling photographer (inner demon yells: YOU HAVE NO MONEY TO PURSUE THIS).

    Maybe a yoga instructor (inner demon yells: YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT BEFORE YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT)…

    Maybe a counselor (inner demon again hits on the money issue)…

    Maybe a writer (inner demon yells: NO ONE WOULD READ ANYTHING YOU WRITE)…

    Good god, how we hold ourselves back.

    And I had a hell of a time getting motivated to go to work this morning.

    I need to motivate myself for change.

  10. I also blogged this a while back. What would I do if I could not fail would be to live the life of a successful artist and author… jetsetter. πŸ˜‰ Since I have kids, I would train them to speak all the languages I needed to visit everywhere, and then ply them with chocolate to keep them in my employ.

    I walk a fine line between going full throttle for the dream, and holding myself back because I need to feel safe. It’s a pain in the ass, really. Even I want to tell myself to pick something already!

    So…. what WOULD you do, Sizzle?

  11. Eeep. I would walk away from a job that doesn’t thrill me like it used to. But then J and I would have done the same thing in a matter of weeks and one of us needs to pay the mortgage.

    Or maybe it’s I’d be done the application I’m working on right now so I wouldn’t feel as queasy about walking away…

  12. I know that feeling, that mounting up of dread that must be addressed. When I get like that, something must be done, or burst. It’s a catalyst feeling I think, to more, and to change.

    It’s very motivating! Good luck with the choices and options that lie ahead. I know, you will be alright.

  13. I need the courage to end a very toxic relationship I’m in. We’ve been FWB for 5 years and it’s going NOWHERE! The sad part is he always brings out the WORST in me. He doesn’t even know me because most of our communication is arguing and then we play nice and have s@x. And what’s really bad is he is freaking awesome in bed. That’s the only thing that keeps me going back. Emotionally it’s so bad for me….but I keep doing it. Someday I’ll find the strength….I hope.

  14. “So now the trick is trying to put on a brave face while inside freaking out about what’s next.”

    OMG, not related to work and/or quitting anything, but that sentence totally summarizes what’s on my mind today.

    As for knowing, well like anything else, when you know, you know. A coworker said something interesting to me the other day. People always say “oh, it’ll work out” or “it ended up working out.” But what is working out? If you look at it in the way of what will be will be, everything works out. So, really, failures don’t happen (unless one is repeating), it’s all just a part of going through it.
    Looking at it that way does seem to take some of the load off, if nothing else.

  15. I in 90 per cent of the time don’t go into work when I get that feeling. Because the times I ignored my instincts I regretted it.

    Having said that, My middle name is Ms. Paranoia.
    Therefore, I have not done A LOT OF STUFF (sorry for the caps) out of fear of failing.

    My biggest regret in that regard is learning to love and allowing myself to be loved.
    I know this is so cliche but my son turns 12 tomorrow and yesterday I looked at him and thought, what the heck did I get myself into (yes, it just hit me after 12 years)
    The fear of failing him is high up there for me as well.

  16. I just needed to let you know that I printed this post out and have taped it to my wall.

    I won’t go into detail in the comments section, but.. yah. Wow. Thanks for writing exactly what I needed to read today.

    I hope you find the right direction to leap toward soon!

  17. Wow…I’m gonna have to think about that one.

    what would I do If I knew I would NOT fail?

    I would love to freelance as a photographer . I would just do so much more to help people and animals.

    Jeez…such a hard question to answer because the answers are endless. I would… Just. Do. It.

    =)

  18. “Do you ever wake up and just know that you need to call into sick to work?”

    Yes. Yesterday.

    What an exciting time for you- you’ve got so many possibilities! I hope you find your way sooner rather than later!

  19. I wake up feeling that way every damn day and I’m trying to find a way to fix it but it’s slow going so I’m taking a lot of deep breaths and telling myself that I have to practice patience. That doesn’t always help the feeling of being stuck though. Not one bit.

  20. If I knew I could not fail, I’d pursue a career in photography. But right now, I’m too much of a wimp to deal with rejection.

    I know exactly how you feel about going to work vs. not going. When I don’t go, I feel guilty. But sometimes you just need a day to yourself. Look out for numero uno!

  21. I’m equally afraid of what if I leap, and I’m just as unhappy?
    (I’m actually not unhappy, but always wonder if there’s some bigger purpose, and then fear that I’ll get it wrong anyhow)

  22. Siz, I have a similiar journey, so I thought I’d share with you. I too have been dissatisfied with my work and am currently mapping my way out. I recognized early on that it was going to be a journey that would take time and was something that I needed to look at with an analytical mind. My first step was to allow myself time to address what my next move will be and to start to educate myself more on those avenues. I suffer from the “grass is alway greener” syndrome and so identifying what these new opportunities might be like starting my own company, helped me get over the “things will be so much better if I just quit”. During this process, I have learned that none of the routes I might take are easier than my current one necessary and I need to stop feeling my own discontent with the situation and see how I can make it better and ultimately how I can be better. I have tried to adjust my thinking and try not to see everything as a means to an end but more about all the lessons I am learning and how much better off I will be in the long run. I reminded myself to never stop learning and creating a vision for my life (which I know will be totally awesome and already is).

    I can definitely relate to your dilemma. You don’t need a brave face…you just have to remember that all the power lies within you and you can be anything you want to be, in this very moment.

    And you are amazing!

  23. The answer is everything.

    I’ve always believed that if you don’t know what to do, you shouldn’t do anything. The universe will eventually make the way clear.

    Of course, the universe usually does THAT by stripping you of all options but the one it wants you to take. But we can’t have everything, can we?

  24. Wow, if I could not fail…so many things I’d like to try. I’m pretty neurotic though and am good at self-sabotage. I’d be so wrapped up in trying to figure out what the catch was…what was the guarantee that I couldn’t fail. Oy. Well, best of luck to you. I think your head is on pretty straight.

  25. Change can be scary — but then again, so’s everything worth having. πŸ™‚ You’ll sort out something great and in the meantime, here’s to mental health days!

  26. If I could leap and not fail, I’d follow my gut, leave this dead end relationship, open my own business, and create massive happiness for myself via friends, yoga and baking.

    Good luck with finding your nirvana.

  27. Wow. I wish I was at that point about a certain something.
    Bravo to you Sizzle for taking that leap.

  28. Mine is the fear of failure and of giving up too soon and missing what benefit might have been. I think don’t things are always meant to be easy, so just because it’s a struggle doesn’t mean it’s time just yet. I guess the balance of knowing when it’s okay to give up and move on vs. being a lazy ass. I went through this with my divorce and I remember a friend saying, “Becky, you’ve done everything you can. You’ve done more than most of us would have. No one will think less of you for leaving this situation.”

  29. Wow…if I knew I wouldn’t fail? Write that book (or two) I’ve talked about since I was 13.

    I soooo understand about the whole not-going-to-work or not-going-to-work-out (relationship). Been there, done that. Zillions of times. Yes, zillions.

  30. I just found your blog today and read this post… great writing btw.

    But really, what’s so horrible about failing? Everyone fails. If don’t do b/c of fear of failing we would never walk. We would never run, we would never love, and we would never grow.

    If I knew I wouldn’t fail? I wouldn’t try. What’s the point? I already know I can do it, why bother trying to find out?

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