Back in my late 20’s before I even knew what blogging was I had a bit of a wild streak. I was always a very good girl up until then. I went to 13 years of Catholic school which should tell you something. (Take that as you will.) I was on a couple of dating sites and was basically having fun with it. At one point my friends requested a flow chart because they couldn’t keep all the guys straight. I was not, for the record, sleeping with all of them but yes, I was probably making out with many of them. I might go on a few dates with them and things would be perfectly fine but there’d be no real spark. Or we’d meet and it was only the beer goggles that got me through the date. There was the guy who had the same name as my Dad (weirded me out) who showed up with gold bling everywhere and an electric blue leather jacket who insisted on trying to kiss me in the first 15 minutes of meeting me and then gave me the excuse that he was “just needing some of my chapstick.” Yeah, off my lips. I handed him the chapstick from my pocket and told him to have at it.
Back then I made a lot of poor choices and went on dates with men I knew in my gut were not a match for me. I’m sure a big part of it was ego-stroking. I liked the chase, the flirting, the making out. I didn’t like commitment. I didn’t want to fall in love.
A few times things turned sour. I once met a guy for drinks and as the night wore on we shared some pretty frank stories of our sexual past. Later, when it was time to go home he claimed he was too drunk to drive himself the thirty minutes home and asked to crash at my place. I said ok as long as it was on the couch and that we would not be having sex. (I had no tact back then.) When we got home he stripped down to his boxers while I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and putting on pajamas. He was in my bed in his underwear when I came into the room. WTH? I reiterated that we were not going to have sex and I’d be more comfortable with him sleeping on the couch. He whined about it being small and I was tired so I just said “whatever” and climbed into bed. After the light was off, the hand drift came. I removed his hand empathically and reminded him that we were there to sleep, not fuck.
A few minutes went by when he pushed his entire body up against mine and tried to kiss me and shove his hand up my shirt. I pushed him away and said in an angry tone for him to knock it off. That’s when he laid into me calling me a cock tease and claiming that I shouldn’t share about my past sexual escapades if I wasn’t trying to tell a guy I wanted to have sex with him.
What?! People actually think that if you mention sex you mean you want to have sex with them? These are the same people that think kissing is a direct signal that you want to have sex. Um, no. How many times have I told this guy that wasn’t going to happen? And now the fucker is in my bed harassing me?
Stupid, stupid Sizzle.
I jumped out of bed, flicked on the light and in no uncertain terms told him to get the fuck out. That guy had “potential date rapist” tattooed on his head. It just took certain lighting to see it clearly. He kept pushing my boundaries. He manipulated the situation and tried to shame me. He wasn’t taking no for an answer so the time for being “nice” was over.
He cussed at me as he threw on his clothes and stormed out the door. I was shaken but relieved. I think I just sat there stunned realizing that things could have been much, much worse. And I was a self-defense teacher at the time! I really should have known better.
I think too many of us have experienced situations where signals got crossed, boundaries were pushed, playful fun turned into a very scary situation. I consider myself lucky that I have never been raped or physically attacked but I know too many people who live with the memory of such trauma.
I am participating in Kapgar and Carly Milne’s Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign, a month-long awareness campaign on behalf of Rape and Incest National Network (RAINN). The topic of sex will be smattering my posts throughout April. You’ll find a link at the bottom of each sex-related post encouraging you to give to this very worthy cause. Please be sure to write “GBBMC2008″ in the “More Information” box and indicate that you came from Sizzle Says when you donate.
It’s not too late to get involved! Participants can sign up through April 15th. Won’t you join us?